


Silence Has Been My Only Friend

by Chocobocolina



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Angst and Romance, Best Friends, Character Death, Comrades, Death, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Female Friendship, Fluff and Smut, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Kidnapping, Loss of Parent(s), Loss of Trust, Loss of Virginity, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Character Death, Oral Sex, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Doubt, Sex, Sexual Assault, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Unrequited Love, Vaginal Sex, Women Being Awesome, mature themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:23:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 99,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13744776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chocobocolina/pseuds/Chocobocolina
Summary: I've lived through hell and back, witnessed the death of people who should not have died. At the age of 15, I stand as a new cadet, training to become a soldier to protect humanity against its greatest threat - the titans. As a soldier, I must kill the very beings that silenced my past; that is, until I met him. With him by my side, I still have a chance to live my life, right?





	1. The New Recruits of the 104th Cadet Corps

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Well, well, well, I was wondering when I would finally work on a story for AoT, it’s about damn time though, I’ve had these thoughts running rampage in my head. I honestly thought my first AoT fanfiction would be with Levi, but suddenly I saw Jean in a whole new light and BAM! This came to mind. I hope everyone enjoys, and, as usual, I love reviews! They seriously make me happy. Also, constructive criticism is welcomed :) 
> 
> AND – all ages have increased, so all people entering the Cadet Corps are now 15 and will graduate at the age of 18. I didn’t feel individuals at the age of 15 were mature enough to handle the situation of their daily lives with titans and death, but that’s just my perspective. AND – this story has the rating of Mature, so personally, I wanted the characters to be a little older once they experience…certain aspects of life…tch, you’ll find out.
> 
> Also, updates for this story and my others will be slowing down, more so than they already are sadly. I just started a new job, which is for my career, so I’m putting a lot of time into it because I absolutely love what I am doing. But, you know, a comment or a PM with some positivity does give me some motivation to work a little more! I’m just saying ya’ll!
> 
> Disclaimer: Yeah I don’t own anything. Other than copies of the manga and a Levi figure, this does not belong to me other than OC’s that I have created.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Hey, mop top!”

“Sir!”

“What do they call you, maggot?!”

And so it begins…

With the pelting of the sun high in the sky, I watched the group of roughly three-hundred young individuals as they were sectioned into several rows, with fifty new recruits per row, all standing with hands behind their back at attention, just as I was, while waiting to be challenged by the Commander of the Military Cadet Corps: Keith Shadis. The aging, bald man maneuvered his way through each row, stopping at person after person, interrogating said individual with their name, home and reason for wanting to join the Military. And damn, was it brutal. 

I was standing in the middle of the fifth row, my short, chestnut hair was blowing in the wind and I was slightly aggravated with myself that I didn’t place the mop into a bun on my head. It was difficult to stand at attention and not avert my eyes from facing forward; I was curious to glance around at the cadets closest to me to see who I would be training with for the next three years. Shadis was still interrogating the same individual, stated that his name was Armin Arlert. Wow, so he was actually inside the wall when the titans broke through the Shiganshina District, I thought. The early afternoon heat was becoming a nuisance, especially with the jacket that was required for all Regiments, including the Cadet Corps. I’m just thankful that it’s not leather. Closing my eyes, I wondered how long the inquisitorial would last, but by the way Shadis was moving, I can tell that he is skipping individuals when he passes them, most likely because he could see the depth within their eyes, the blank slate of emotional prowess; they’ve seen death, the terror that struck our timid humanity only two years ago.

They were there in Shiganshina. 

Biting my tongue, my attempt to stifle the laugh wanting to escape from my lips proved to be difficult. Watching Shadis shove his face into the cadet’s faces was hysterical, the way the recruit’s faces would shrink was amusing, as this was not the first time I had seen the Commander intimidate others. The Commander’s actions were nearly forcing the cadets to shit their pants, and that was a whole new level for the person who had once been the Commander of the Scout Regiment. I still remember that first time he shoved his face into mine and questioned my reason for existence – it was the first time I had exclaimed, out loud, that I wanted to join the Cadet Corps once I became the age of fifteen. He was so taken back that he had screamed in my face – attempting, wanting, needing – to shove my mental capacity down to scrambles to prove that I was worthwhile to become a cadet. 

“What do we have over here?!” 

Opening me eyes, I realized the Commander’s new position was facing the person in the row directly in front of me. With the cadet’s back facing me, all I could examine of the new recruit was the muscled frame of his body, along with the copper-blonde undercut hair upon his head. Oh damn… My cheeks began to burn just at the image of his back. If that’s his back…

“Jean Kirstein, sir, from the Trost District!”

“And why are you here, cadet?”

“To join the Military Police, sir, the best of the best.”

Whatever tension in the air from Shadis’ questions was increased after Jean’s response. Small collective gasps escaped several individuals, but the man’s straightforwardness was admirable; some may say that he was blunt, but honesty was honesty. True morality was somewhat hard to come by, especially with the fall of Wall Maria several years prior. But with this “Jean” admitting he wanted the Military Police simply for a better life within the interior, I wonder what he isn’t afraid to admit? Without being able to see the front end of the conversation, it was annoying not having to see either expression, but the Commander’s response alleged it all. 

“That’s nice. You wanna live in the interior, do ya?”

“Yes!” But Jean’s second response wasn’t to be taken lightly. Shadis rammed his forehead into the cadet’s, who instantly crumbled to his knees, hands grasping his head, slightly rolling around on the ground.

“No one told you to sit, recruit! If you can’t handle this Kirstein, then forget about joining the Military Police!” The man moved onto the next recruit who also stated that his goal was the Military Police, but he wanted the honor in serving the King. Marco Bodt… So very different from this Jean Kirstein. And as if on cue, Jean slowly rise from his position in the dirt and stood to his feet, one hand holding the side of his head; despite watching his reaction, it was well known Shadis was, indeed, hardheaded – the poor recruit would be in pain for the next day or two.

Having finished the current row, after already calling out a cadet and placing her – this potato girl – onto his shit-list, the Commander had the row about face to the rest of the cadets who had yet to endure the petrifying man. From my stance, I watched the ground as numerous brown leather boots maneuvered their owners to twist until they were facing the row behind them; my eyesight was fixated on the pair that belonged to Jean, and as he fully faced forward, I lifted my gaze to find his starring in my direction, our eyes connecting at once. Stiffening his shoulders, Jean’s cheeks radiated with embarrassment, that the female directly behind him had to witness his humiliation at the hands of their Commander. But what had the man on edge was the smile she provided in his direction. 

Keeping my stand at attention, I swiftly dropped one arm to the side and quickly waved my fingers in Jean’s direction. Eyes slightly widening, Jean mimicked my action, delivering a small smile of his own in return; my arm was quickly retrieved to behind my back as Shadis finally trekked his way to my position. The man glanced sideways before fully facing me, his façade never changing as he scowled, but I had been around the man enough in the last two years to know to acknowledge the difference in his expressions. But in our current circumstance, the man saw me no differently than the other new recruits surrounding us. 

“Wipe that shitty smile off your face! State your full name, Cadet!”

Removing said grin, I threw my left fist behind my back, and my right fist across my chest so it was placed directly over the beating of my heart; this was the salute for all Regiments, to prove the loyalty we held to serve humanity with all our heart’s power. Mouth open wide, my voice reverberated across the vast training field as I yelled, “Emalina Varlen, sir!”

“Well, Cadet Varlen, tell me, why the fuck are you here?!”

Tch, well that’s easy enough. “I’m here to become a soldier, sir!”

“Hmph, soldier my ass! The fuck you wanna do when you become a soldier?!”

Taking a deep breathed, my grin returned as I counter-yelled with, “I want to protect this world, sir! Whether my time here in the Training Corps leads me to join the Military Police, the Garrisons, or the Scouts, I will put my entire heart and life on the line to ensure that humanity survives against the titans, sir!” Whatever tension was remaining in the air, had vanished. Those surrounding us broke rank and vigorously whispered amongst those who were closest; I could hear their words, as they questioned my motive and wondered how I was so buoyant with determination to become a soldier. I think what freaks them out is that I’m not afraid of Shadis. 

“Everyone will shut the hell up and return to your formation!!” With his attention back on me, who he had occasionally mentored over the last several years, the man was not surprised that I was currently standing before him. The first day we met I had explained to him that I was willing to risk my life to ensure that humanity had a chance, even a minimal chance, if that. Shadis persuaded, and attempted to scare me, he did, but grew to understand that the woman that was now standing before him could not be persuaded; he had learned that I was as stubborn as a mule, and once I had made a decision, I stuck with it, and never let anyone else waiver on plans I had made. “Very good, I wouldn’t expect anything less. Let’s see if you have that feeling three years from now, Cadet Varlen!”

“Yes sir!”

Continuing his almost-murderous intent to beat the cadets into the ground, Shadis moved on eliciting victim after victim, each one cowering in dread. Exhaling, I was content, knowing my “initiation” was finally over. As Shadis moved past my position in line, my eyes looked up at Jean, whose face was unreadable, as if he was trying to process my reasoning for being in the Military. Smiling again, I glanced through my peripheral, noticing the Commander was further away, in which I gently touched my head, directly where Shadis had slammed into Jean, mouthing in his direction, Is your head ok?

Blinking, Jean quietly chuckled as he lifted his lips and smirked. I’m one tough guy, I’ll be fine, he mouthed in return as a chuckled finally escaped from my lips. 

From that moment on, the rest of Initiation Day was filled with lecture and instruction of what was to come, the training and academic schedule as well as reminders that this training has killed cadets in the past and will push individuals to their breaking point. By the end of the day, before dinner had even been served, almost seven recruits had resigned, deciding to work in the fields instead of becoming soldiers. With my arms folded against the wooden railing, I watched as the cart hauled the group of “dropouts” back to the Trost District, feeling indifferent of those who had decided to quit. If they wanted to work in the fields, let them work in the fields; everyone had the right to choose what was best fit for them. The world was all about survival – if that was how they wanted to survive another day, then so be it.

But the group next to me had other thoughts on the matter. 

“Their dropouts. They prefer to work in the fields,” the girl with two black pigtails answered another person’s question. Mina, I think her name was. 

“But it’s only the first day,” someone replied. 

“That’s the way it is.” From the corner of my eye, I looked at the individual who made the comment. His overall appearance seemed normal, but the way his eyes screamed was a little timid. “If you can’t handle the pressure, you gotta leave. I can’t believe anyone would rather pull plants than fight.”

Oh, little man, you have a lot to learn. Taking a leave from my post, I walked past the small group, heading to my bunk before the mess hall would call for dinner. Walking passed, I heard the same individual state that he was from Shiganshina, just like Armin. Well, that explains the eyes, but not his almighty attitude. 

Later that evening, upon entering the mess hall, Jean stood in line, along with Marco, to retrieve their dinner, and once they had done so, glanced around the hall for open seats, until his golden eyes landed upon the woman he remembered from earlier that afternoon. Walking in her direction, Jean heard Marco mutter behind him, “Hey there are seats over here, where are you going?” But Jean didn’t answer. As he approached the female, she looked upwards at both boys and smiled.

“Are these seats taken?” he asked, and I gestured with my hand for them to accompany me. Taking their seats, Jean and Marco stared down at their food and grimaced; their meal was supposed to be potato soup with a side of bread, but the soup looked more like mushed grits than potatoes. Swallowing the same food, I noticed their looks and laughed as their expressions changed when they dipped their spoons into the bowl.

“Trust me, it grows on you.”

“Oh, does it? Well that’s good to hear!” The boy named Marco exclaimed, as he gently swallowed several bites. Jean still held a spoonful in his hand, nervousness creeping from within his stomach, but he grinned and bear the deed. Shoving his mouth full of his “dinner,” Jean shivered but continued to eat, as this would be his life for the next few years. 

“Hey, how’s your head doing?”

Glancing up, Jean noticed my eyes were on him and it seemed to take him a moment for the cadet to register the question I had just asked. Dropping his spoon, Jean tenderly touched the side of his head and smirked. “It’s fine, nothing I can’t handle.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you.”

He groaned, his shoulders drooping. “You saw the whole thing, huh?”

“With being right behind you? Yeah, I did.” Taking a sip of water from my mug, I couldn’t help but smile before stating, “I’m Emalina, by the way. But you probably heard that from Initiation earlier this morning.”

Nodding, Jean replied, the accustomed smirk plastered upon his face, “I’m Jean Kirstein.”

“And I’m Marco Bodt!” The cadet smiled as he continued to eat through his gruel of a meal. 

Marco’s upbeat attitude had me grinning even more. “Of course! You’re the one who wants to join the Military Police and serve the King, correct?”

“Oh yes! That’s been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember! And Jean over here…”

Slamming his mug down onto the table, Jean pronounced proudly, “I want to join the Military Police and live inside the Interior!” Marco rolled his eyes and chewed through his bread roll while I leaned against the table on my elbows, interested in what he had to say.

“Thus, why your head currently has a small pump protruding from your forehead.” This caused Jean to groan as he gingerly hid his pump from view.

“Well what about you?!” Jean’s intimidating voice radiated across the table as I slightly recoiled from his tone. As Marco nudged his new friend in the side, Jean realized his slipup. “I-I mean…is it true what you said? That you’re not sure which branch you want to choose?”

His tone was questionable, but I shook my head and smiled reassuringly in his direction; his words made my stomach flip-flop, and I questioned if Jean had been confronted by others for his reasoning to join the Military Police. Marco viewed the chance as honorable since he wanted to serve the King; Jean wanted to ensure he led a safe life inside the interior, away from the possible invasion from the titans. My gut was telling me that his reasoning was wrong, as it was something I didn’t agree with, but I respected his decision. He wanted to live, to survive, and there was nothing wrong with desiring to breath another day. “I don’t know, to be honest. All I know is that I want to become a strong soldier so I can protect those around me. I just…” Sighing, I moved several strands of hair away from my face, my eyes drifting downward. “I just hope that I can make a decision during our three years of training.” Jean and Marco glanced at one another before smirking in her direction, both hold a “thumbs up” action for me to see. Oh, I really like these boys, I thought. 

Though we weren’t granted a tremendous amount of time for dinner, the three of us did spend our time talking and laughing about any and everything, though our topic of focus was mainly the training we would endure for the next three years. Sitting across from the two boys, I finally felt at ease, a simple wish that hadn’t been obtained for quite some time. As cliché as that sounds, finding people I could sit and have a decent conversation with had been painful these last few years. Since the fall of Wall Maria…

Blood…there was blood everywhere.

Running…as a little girl, I couldn’t do anything but run past the homes of friends and family that were raised by my side since I was born. Screams echoed across the wood houses; cries reverberated against the inside of my ears – but I could do nothing but push my legs forward and run to our home, hoping to see the familiar faces of mother and father. The straining muscles within my ever-growing thighs burned with a relentless fire that didn’t grant me the speed that I sought. Dogs, cats and horses were all I could focus on until the wooden frame of my home came into view. 

The crunch…the stench…the silence… It was overwhelming.

And it was dragging me down, deep into the pits of a darkened hell that I may never escape. 

“ – lina…? Emalina…?”

Gasping, I widened her eyes and looked around; the mess hall was fairly loud with peppy chatter from all the new recruits, as many had already finished with their meal. Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I sighed, eyes stinging, but I willed myself to sway the emotion; I banished the sensation long ago. Lifting my head, both Jean and Marco were intently watching my reactions.

“Are…you alright?” Their voices blended as one, so I wasn’t sure who had asked, but the question nonetheless made the corners of my lips curve upward. 

“Yeah…” I replied slowly, breathing out before taking a bite of my bread. “It’s just…what a day. Initiation was such a rush, and we haven’t even begun training.”

“I know! Man, I cannot wait to learn ODM! Can you imagine, Jean?” The copper-blonde male looked towards Marco and nodded, a smirk appearing on his lips as he, too, was existed to swing through the trees. With a response, Marco continued speaking with enthusiasm about how he envisioned the feel of using the three-dimensional maneuvering equipment. My ears were trained forwards, curious to hear what the boy had to say, but from the corner of my eye, I could see Jean peering at her, while listening to his friend as well. I couldn’t tell if he was simply staring, or concern about the moment that just occurred. 

Please, for all that is holy and terrifying, do not let those thoughts interfere with my training!

“Hey Eren, I heard you saw the Colossal Titan two years ago!”

“I heard the same! What was it like? Was it really taller than the wall?!”

Glancing to my right, I noticed a small group had formed around the individual called Eren Jeager, the annoying individual from early, one of the survivors from Shiganshina. Raising an eyebrow, I was surprised by the rising questions the other cadets were asking Eren; I was raised by the rule that it was fairly rude to remind, or question, someone of, what most likely was, a horrifying experience because, in a sense, they would emerge through the event once more. Marco stood to his feet, exclaiming that he wanted to hear the conversation and went to stand next to Eren as the others continued to ask question after question. I know I have my demons…but I couldn’t fucking imagine what he must’ve seen.

“So you really saw it?”

“Yeah…yeah I did.” The group gasped, causing me to glance around the hall, only to realize that the rest of the cadets were entranced by his explanations. Though her curiosity was caught at attention, I couldn’t bring myself to inwardly focus on the other cadet’s words. His words held no remorse, no pain. I doubt the boy is emotionless, but stating that they “weren’t that big a deal”? That phrase burned a hole straight into my heart. Gritting my teeth, I did the only thing I could do besides leaving the mess hall entirely, by diverting my attention away from the conversation; I therefore picked up my spoon to squash any remaining potatoes that remained in the soup bowl. Jean almost immediately noticed my antics and knocked his fist against the table next to my hand, in attempt to gain my attention. 

“Hey, you alright?”

Nodding, it was too early to provide a detailed explanation, but I whispered loudly enough for my companion to hear, “His words…I’m just annoyed at what he’s saying.”

“Tch, you’re not the only one, Ema.”

“Huh…?” Eyes locking onto one another, Jean leaned his head upon his hand as it created a stand from his elbow. He smirked, and I then realized that “smirk” was his trademark. Something deep within me burned; the ways his lips curled was comforting.

Comforting and…sexy.

Knock it off, Emalina!!

“What do you mean huh?”

“You…you called me Ema.” Running my hands through her hair, I smiled, not knowing what to feel. 

“Yeah, it’s a shortened version of your name – my nickname for you. Is that alright?” My lips shut tight, I could only nod in response as the butterflies erupted deep within the depth of my belly, causing goosebumps to radiate off my skin; my body shook with intense shivers at the sound of the new nickname as it rolled off the tip of his tongue. Noticing the way I was averting his eyes, Jean leaned forward as he asked, “Wait…have you never had a nickname?”

“O-of course I have! Ema just so happens to…not be one of them.” My statement sounded just as silly saying it out loud as it did in my thoughts. I covered my hand as my body erupted in a fit of giggles. Crossing my arms on the table, I lay my head down, cheeks tinted red from laughing. It was true. I’d had several nicknames in the past…but that was the past. In these times, I barely knew someone long enough for them to even consider me a friend. Glancing up, I questioned with, “Why? Do you have one?”

“Tch, are you kidding me? A manly man like me? N-no, no way.”

But the pink slowly spreading across his cheekbones said otherwise, and I was quick to notice the squint in his eyes. “Oh, you’re lying. Only manly men have nicknames. Tell me, what is it?”

But Jean was ready with his own counterattack. “Only if you tell me yours.”

“Nope, not gonna happen.”

“Fine, let’s make a deal.”

Intrigued, I stood straight from her somewhat comfortable resting position. “A deal…and, pray, oh wise one, what did you have in mind?”

“Tomorrow they’re training us with weightless maneuvering gear to determine if we even have the ability to use the ODM gear. If you fall first, you tell me yours – and if I fall first, I’ll tell you mine.”

Grinning, I extended my hand out in acceptance, but quickly pulled back the moment Jean was about to touch my skin. “But what happens if neither one of us falls and we become amazing with the exercise?” 

Liking what he was seeing in my eyes, Jean grinned. “I think we should leave that to Marco. He’ll decide what we should do. Deal?” Grinning from ear to ear, I nodded enthusiastically and said, “Deal” as we grasped each other’s hand, but word from the conversation to the table next to ours caught Jean’s attention as he turned, his eyes and ears listening in on what Eren had to say. 

“I’m joining the Scout Regiment. Then I’m sending the titans back to hell. I’m gonna butcher them all.”

“Hey, are you crazy or something?” Now my attention was focused on what Jean had to say, as did the rest of the cadets in the mess hall, but the look Eren had on his face was none too happy. “Not that it’s my business, but signing up for reconnaissance is like a death sentence.”

“I guess we’ll see. Or at least I will. You seem content hiding in the Interior with the MP’s.” Ohhh boy… I thought. He’s self-righteous, claiming that his way – joining the Scouts and killing all the tians – is the only way to live. Any other option someone chooses is the “easy way” out. Tightening my fist, anger coiled within my chest, and I had to focus on my breathing so I wouldn’t jump out of my chair. Whether Jean was uneasy with the conversation, I couldn’t tell.

“Look, I’m just speaking honestly here, kid. I think it’s better than being some loud mouth, bragger-tough-guy-wannabe, pretending he’s not as piss scared as the rest of us.”

Eren stood to his feet, both of his fist tightly curled against his side. “Are you trying to pick a fight?” Really? Are they really trying to pick a fight on the first day?! Watching the two boys step closer to each other left a sour taste in my mouth; I knew this wasn’t right, and not because they were already wanting to pound the other, but their reasoning was absurd. Swallowing the bile that had risen from my throat, I quickly stood and made my way beside Jean, placing a hand onto his shoulder as he peered back in my direction. 

“Please don’t do this…” I whispered so only he could hear. He raised an eyebrow in question, but the pleading gaze in my eye had him stalling, and I could see his stare softening.

Eren raised an eyebrow and laughed, but before he could counter with anything, the bell rang, signaling curfew was now upon the training grounds and everyone was to proceed to their required dorm, with, obviously, boys and girls separated. Sighing, Jean finally said, “Hey, I apologize. Sorry for calling you names and dismissing your choice of careers. Put it there kid, what do you say?” 

Jean held his hand out, waiting for Eren to accept the apology, but all the boy did was slap his hand away and mutter, “Right. Yeah, I’m sorry as well.”

Exhaling the breath I’d been holding, I squeezed Jean’s shoulder as he glanced in my direction. Walking back towards the table, I grabbed our plates and mugs, walking towards the necessary counter to place so they would be cleaned by morning. Walking back, I witnessed Jean, a complete, bumbling mess as he was attempting to strike a conversation with a female with pure black hair. I’d noticed that she was attached to Eren’s side and wondered what their relationship was. My curiosity was short lived as I observed the redness tinting Jean’s cheeks, how he stumbled over his words, and how he had that “far away” glance in his stare as he watched the female mutter a few words before walking out of the hall. All I could do was watch and observe the scene before my eyes, it was so obvious that Jean was smitten over this girl.

And for some reason, the sight before me twisted my stomach as it churned with dinner I had just eaten. I…had no name for the sensation that was ongoing within my heart, but for the first time since I began to live in this lonely world all by myself, I actually felt something. Whatever that something was, Jean was the cause of it. 

And I was determined to discover what that something was.


	2. To Fly or to Drown?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry, not sorry for the late update. I love my job but come home completely exhausted; also, doesn’t help I’ve had lack of motivation, but somehow this has inspired me. How long until the next update?
> 
> And please read the note at the end of the chapter. Thank you!
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me. I own Emalina and any other OC’s.

The early morning bell was struck, signaling the new recruits from the 104th Cadet Corps to awaken from their deep slumber and commence their first official day of training. The echo of the bell swept through each barrack and forced all individuals to rise; some were easily awoken, others curled into their sheets, begging to attain more slumber before beginning their day. My eyes had already been open long before the morning bell had rung as I was used to the annoying sound that determined the start of my day. Growing up with the same awaken over the last several years, one’s body grows accustomed to awakening earlier and earlier. 

By the time I was dressed in the required soldiers attire – harness, belts and everything else – all the other females within my specific bunk were barely stepping away from their bedside. 

The morning routine encompassed such as this: the bell would ring, one would dress, head to the mess hall for breakfast, the first segment of training would begin, followed by a break, lunch, afternoon training, and, finally, dinner. Sometime there would be additional training after the recruits had time to rest the food within their bellies after dinner, but seeing as we’re all rookies, I knew Shadis wouldn’t conduct nightly training for at least a few months. The reason I know the daily regimen?

Let’s just say I spent the last several years working alongside the previous set of rookies from the 103rd Cadet Corp, waiting for the day until I could be labeled as a soldier-in-training. 

My leather clad feet prodded across the dirt as my direction was fixated on the mess hall, stomach already growling in anticipation. As expected, I was the first within the wooden building, the workers setting the food greeted me with smiles as I grabbed what I wanted and maneuvered towards the spot I’d claim as mine. The rest of the recruits gradually filled the hall and the morning was soon filled with laughter, whining and those discussing what the life as a soldier would be in three years. I lackadaisically stirred my spoon, circling the metal trinket around my bowl, chin held by my hand, eyes drifting from here to there; a sudden call of my name drifted through my eardrums, causing my head to lift.

“Good morning, Emalina. Did you sleep well?” Marco’s bright smile allowed my lips to curl slightly as he resumed the same seat from the previous night. Jean was right behind the man as he reclaimed his seat as well, nodding in my direction as I swallowed the last bite of my breakfast. 

“Hey, how’re you already done, Ema?” Jean asked, his mouth frowning at the taste of his meal. 

_Wow, straight to using my nickname after one day, huh?_ “I’m an early riser, so I was here before anyone else.” _Why is it so easy for me to speak with him…?_

Marco beamed, question after question falling from his mouth, mainly wanting to know if I could teach him to awaken earlier to be prepared. Crossing my arms upon the table, I mainly listened to his words and watched his reactions, Jean occasionally joining in with him questions. I rarely spoke as the two developed a conversation between the two as they asked me numerous inquiries. My lips gradually curved upward even more, a laugh escaping here and there, my heart beating in a manner I forgot existed. 

_These two…I’m not afraid when I’m with them._

The bell signifying the end of breakfast was then struck, my feet maneuvering to put my used dish away and waited for both males outside, my chin raised to the sun as I soaked in the morning light. The crumble of dirt beneath their feet diverted my eyes to see Jean and Marco walking in my direction, Jean’s smirk already on display so early in the morning. “So, I informed Marco of our little bet. Are you ready to lose?”

“Not on your life, Kirschtein.”

“You two seriously made a bet to see who would state their nickname first?” Marco teased, but his light-hearted tone stated he was just as excited to see the outcome. 

Jean wrapped an arm around his new friend’s shoulder. “And you’ll be the one to determine who wins if we both are successful with this training.”

“Oh boy…” the freckled boy laughed meekly as he rubbed his cheek. “I’ll have to think on this one!”

Our feet guided us to stand in the same vicinity as initiation yesterday, the other cadets forming around us as we waited for further orders from Shadis. Standing stock still with both arms behind my back, I listened in on the conversations around me: I could hear Sasha complaining about her hunger, Connie stating that he was going to be the best at everything, and Armin speaking with Eren and Mikasa. It was a good sign to see everybody so spunky this early in the morning, and I questioned how long the energy would last as we still had three years left. 

“Listen up, you maggots!!”

With everyone now standing at attention, Shadis instructed us to follow him as he led us towards several large, metal tripod stands stood in one long row, all were roughly fifteen, twenty feet high. Each tripod was linked with wires that would attach to a cadet’s belt, the wire would then be lifted manually and the cadet would then prove if she or he could maneuver their bodies and manipulate the wires to remain balanced a poised. With these machines in view, I heard the murmur of those around me and saw Jean’s eyes ignite as he glanced at me; a smirk of my own grew upon my face. 

Jean has no clue of what I’m hiding within my sleeve.

“These machines are designed to test aptitude and your ability at handling ODM gear before we strap you in and send you to your deaths! Now let me make this clear: you have today to practice! If you cannot establish seamless balance with this, you are not meant to become a soldier! Tomorrow, all of you will be tested; for those of you who are not meant to be here, will be sent home, straight back to the fields! Do I make myself clear?!”

“Sir, yes sir!” The cadets echoed across the barren arena, their arms posed in the generic soldier salute. 

“That’s what I want to hear. But first! We’ll have a demonstration from someone who’s already mastered this exercise. Cadet Varlen! Front and center!” A collected work of gasps and gossip erupted amongst the crowd, heads searching through the recruits looking for me, and those closest stared with wide, agitated eyes; Jean was one of the few with misperception across his features. 

As I walked through the crowd, he gently grasped my forearm and whispered, “You never said you’ve used these machines!”

“You never asked.”

“Our bet has become one sided then,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“No, it hasn’t.” His eyes connected with mine. “I didn’t agree to the bet just to win against you, Jean; I agreed because I know you’ll succeed with this training.” Letting my arm go, Jean dropped his hand by his side and watched my back as I made my way towards the tripod in the center. A fellow veteran who assisted with training the cadets gave me the wires and I connected each one to a specific loop in my belt and nodded in his direction for him to continue. His hands gripped the crank handle and lifted me into the air, as several dozen pairs of eyes watched my form, while criticizing me in their heads; the familiar undoing of my weight unlocked a memory from when I first used this machine. There was a specific purpose for why I enlisted to become aa soldier, but the sensation I experienced granted me the chance to fly; becoming a soldier is my first goal.

Being able to fly and be free of the pain has become my second. 

With arms crossed over my chest, my body froze in perfect self-control; only my hair blew through the wind as a gentle breeze stirred, but nothing else. I was free, becoming one within myself, nothing existed, except the scorching awareness of everyone staring upon my form. Stock still, my eyes wandered across the crowd, but I only gazed at the golden orbs of the man I quickly befriended last night; Jean didn’t divert his attention, even as Shadis’ voice boomed over the cadets. “Memorize this form, Cadets. This is the aptitude we will be testing you today. Remember, you fail, you leave. Now, form several groups upon each machine!” Turning to the soldier behind him, Shadis added, “Alright, bring her down.”

With my feet met greeted the ground, I released the wires from my belts as Shadis placed his hand upon my shoulder. “Just as I expected from you, Varlen.”

“Of course, sir.” Trekking to the group Jean and Marco joined, I was greeted with several speaking to me at once. One individual asked how I knew what to do and I simply stated it was a secret. Both Jean and Marco cunningly asked me the same question numerous times in different phrases, but the only answer I provided was a smirk along and the continuous shaking of my head. Since I’d already passed the training, I stood in the back of the group, but assisted the individuals if they asked. Marco was successful, but still sought advice when he was back on his feet. 

“How did I do, Emalina?”

“I think you did just fine, Marco. You didn’t fall, so that’s a plus.”

“True, but you make it look so easy! My arms were slightly flailing and I felt like I was going to fall.”

My arms crossed on their own accord as our conversation continued. “Trust me, it takes practice, and we have three years of that. As Shadis said, this is just to test if we have the knack for further training. Once start using ODM, that’s when you’ll be asking questions.”

Raising an eyebrow, Marco leaned closer and we both watched as Jean clip the wires into his belt. “You sound as I you know what it’s like.” As Jean was lifted into the air, I smirked. “Don’t tell me you have experience with ODM as well…?”

Biting my lip, I fought with wanting to tell the truth, but, as usual, I held myself back. Be careful, Emalina, don’t get too close. “Well…I guess that’s just something for me to know and for you to find out.” With several yells coming from the cadets, I returned my eyes to the tripods to see several cadets I remembered from yesterday were successful with the test, Jean being among the few. His eyes sought mine, just as I had done, and the smirk I’d grown accustomed to appeared on his face. 

When he was down on his feet and in our vicinity, he exclaimed, “Looks like you and me have the talent, Marco!”

“Don’t forget Emalina, Jean!”

Jean turned his towards me, his stare penetrating mine, as if he could look deep down and understood everything that I felt. “True, but she hasn’t tried ODM yet, so we can beat her at that!” Marco coughed and shook his head. “Wait, don’t tell me…” Looking back at me, Jean stated, “You’ve done that as well?!”

“Marco already beat you to the question.”

“And what was your answer?”

“That it’s for her to know and for us to find out,” Marco repeated as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

Grunting, Jean leaned against one foot and threw one fist against his hip in defiance. “You know, you could’ve told us you’ve done this before. How old are you, anyway? Are you doing the training again because you’ve failed before?”

“Jean!” Marco stepped towards his friend, latching his hand onto Jean’s arm, pulling him away from drowning in his own ignorance and folly. “Why would you say something… - ”

I waved my hand through the air, catching the attention of both males. “Who knew it’d take only a day for me to realize that you’re an ass?” I turned to walk away, my body moving on instinct; needing an escape, wanting to flee, to remove Kirschtein from memory. Not even wanting to hold a conversation, but Jean threw Marco off before grabbing my shoulder, pulling my back around. 

“You should’ve told us. If there’s anything you know, it could help us get into the top ten!”

Furrowing my eyebrows and pulling my shoulder from is grasp, I lowered my voice, not wanting this discussion to be overheard by others. “Let’s get one thing straight, _Kirschtein_ , unless I’m asked, I don’t share anything regarding myself – _with anybody_. If there’s something I know about the training, that’s for me to know, unless you politely ask, then _maybe_ I’ll give you some advice from what I’ve learned. But from what I’ve seen, it looks like you only care about others if it benefits _yourself_.”

“Ema…”

“ _Don’t_ call me that, Kirschtein…” Balling my hands into fists, my teeth gritted, eyes blinking away signs of distress, the calling of tears desperate to escape. This was not who I was, this was not who I wanted to be. The next words slipped off my tongue, a whisper upon the wind I didn’t even know I had stated. “I don’t have friends…but you seemed different. Guess I was wrong.” Turning my back on him, I could hear Marco scold Jean for his attitude, but their attention was diverted when Eren was failing the weightless test, the rest of the cadets laughing at his catastrophe while my shadow faded from their gaze.

Though, I swear there was a pair of golden orbs following me as I disappeared. 

~ oOo ~

Dinner later that evening was hushed compared to the previous night; sitting in the corner, I noticed how people were murmuring amongst themselves how Eren had boasted about beating the titans compared to the afternoon he had with the aptitude test. Throwing my spoon onto the table, a groan fled from my lips as I dropped my head into my hands. Once we were released for the remainder of the day, I fled to the barracks where my bunk lay, throwing myself onto the sheets, hoping to erase the sound of ignorance from my ears. 

I didn’t even notice my cheeks were stained with tears. 

_Twenty-four hours…no! Not even a full day did I know **Jean Kirschtein** and I already want to smack him in the face! Damn him! Damn him for...for…?_

_For finally wanting a friend._

Releasing a sigh from the depths of my chest, I grabbed the rest of my meal and walked over to Sasha, knowing that she would gladly confiscate the rest. Appearing by her side, I knew that she was still forbidden from dinner privileges for the next few days, but screw Shadis’ decision. Tapping her shoulder, I held my bowl and uneaten bread for her to take, but the girl just looked me in the eye, tilting her head to the side in question. 

“I’m not hungry,” was all I said before walking out of the mess hall and out into the training grounds. The night sky clothed the surrounding land, blanketing the environment in a sheet of midnight stars. Wanting to be away from my fellow cadets, I walked in the direction of the tripod machines, taking a seat upon the dirt, bringing my legs closer to my chest until I wrapped my arms around them. Staring at the contraption ahead of me, I questioned why I was so different, so quiet, so…melancholy. The moment I questioned was the moment I remembered. 

_“Emalina you need to run!”_

_“No, I won’t leave you or dad!”_

_“Take the horses and run to Trost! Just listen to your mother!”_

_But we were swarmed, to escape was out of the question, and for one so young as myself, I was left with no choice but to be eaten – eaten by the same monsters devouring the rest of my village. Standing near our wooden table, I watched my mother throw odds and ends of different food into a pack, guiding me outside to our personal stable. I was not old enough to ride my parent’s horses, but their offspring was mine, a young, black mare barely two years old. Grabbing my waist and holstering onto my mare, my mother grabbed my cheeks and kissed my forehead._

_“Emalina Varlen, please…listen to your mother. I need you to escape with your life!”_

_“But mom…I don’t…” Tears coursed down my face as I was unable to face the truth as it approached my mother from behind. “Please…don’t leave me…”_

_“Serena! Get Emalina and RUN!”_

_The thrashing, pounding of feet against mother earth was petrifying to hear, heartbreaking to witness. There were titans all around us, several were in the midst of eating my neighbors, some had just swallowed close friends. But as I looked to see my father, I realized that it would be the last time he’d see me. A hand reached over the roof of our house, the tian crushed my father before tossing his lifeless form down his atrocious throat. “FATHER!”_

_“Emalina you need to go!” Smacking the backside of the horse, my mare reared onto her hind legs before galloping into the now frightening territory that was covered with bloodthirsty demons. Just as my mare left, I turned to scream for my mother, only to see her in the clutches of two separate titans… One bit her head while the other claimed her lower half, her crimson blood showering my feverish skin as I ran._

_Hell really is a cruel, cruel place._

“Emalina!”

Snapping my eyes open, I was staggered to realize Jean was kneeling in front of me, one hand carefully placed on my knee, his sight peering directly into mine. Blinking several times to clear my vision, Jean pulled his hand away before sitting on the dirt, one leg pulled to his chest, the other lay flat against the land. I didn’t meet his gaze; I hadn’t even known the guy for a day, so why was I so upset? So…so angry with him?

“To what do I owe this pleasure, Kirschtein?”

The cadet didn’t reply, the arm he’d laid across his knee flinched as he clenched and unclenched his fist for several moments. I dared to steal a glimpse at his face, but I wasn’t expecting the turmoil etched across his features. _Those cheekbones, his elongated face…those majestically, golden eyes._

_Emalina Varlen…what on earth are you thinking?!_

But his voice pulled me away from unknown territory. Territory that had unexpectedly crept inside. But what was the inside? Why was I angry, but why was I more upset to leave his side earlier this afternoon?

“You don’t owe me anything, Emalina… I’m the one who owes you.” We glanced at each other and he knew I would remained silent until he continued. “I…” Hanging his head and scratching the backside of his undercut, Jean took a few moments before finally raising his head and announced, “I’m sorry. I’m…you’re right, Emalina.” Standing to his feet, Jean studied the tripod mechanism, his hand once again scratching his neck. Was he nervous? Uneasy?

Distraught?

“Emalina.” Turning to face me, Jean furrowed his eyebrows, “Why did you…” But Jean’s voice fell off the last word, silence replaced his speech.

Tilting my head, I stared into his troubled façade. When I knew he wouldn’t continue, I probed with, “Why did I what, Jean?”

“This afternoon, when you stated how you didn’t agree to the bet to beat me, but you knew I would succeed. Why did you say that?”

Sighing, my legs straightened before standing, bumping my shoulder into Jean’s as I moved to position myself by his side. I knew what to say but didn’t know if I had the strength to release the words from the tip of my lips. By answering Jean, I would then be stating an opinion; stating an opinion would mean I was allowing others to enter my world, granting them the opportunity to enter my life. By opening my world, I was destined to, once again, lose all that I held dear, and forever be lonely. 

For whoever I grew close to, would meet their end at the hands of the titans. 

Standing with Jean in the exact location of out “fallout” this afternoon was unconventional. I was still afraid to speak, to answer his question, but the fear I usually held in my heart had disappeared the moment I opened my eyes to see his staring back with concern etched upon his face. For the first time since I was cloaked in bloodshed as a young girl, I wanted nothing more than to confide in this person, to open freely about who I was, why I was here. Most importantly, I wanted to explain my fears. I didn’t want to let Jean go.

Since the day my childhood ceased to exist, I feel safe; I feel protected when I’m around Jean Kirschtein. 

“I have a knack for reading one’s character.” Crossing my arms, it was now or never to take the leap of faith; would I lose him, or would he stay? “During initiation yesterday when you explained wanting to join the Military Police, I knew you had conviction. From that, I know you’ll be a strong soldier, Jean.”

My words forced Jean to think, his mind pondering through my words. His moment of silence disturbed the battle my emotions encountered, but I had to give the cadet time. “You said I’m here so I can benefit from others to help my personal goals.”

“I did say that…but I don’t think that’s a bad quality.” Jean raised an eyebrow as he faced my side, a hand reaching to touch my arm, but fell to his side at the last second, deciding against the action. “You can still have others help you in obtaining your goals, without being an ass.”

Smirking, Jean produced a laugh, and I could feel the tension slowly lift within the air. “You didn’t say anything last night, but doesn’t it bother you that I’m only here to go into the Interior?”

“I may not have said anything, but my silence on the matter doesn’t mean I don’t agree with the idea.” Moving my feet a few steps forward, I traced a hand down one of the metal poles of the tripod, the coolness of the steel was pleasant as the evening was gentle, but the air was still heavy with any remaining humidity from the afternoon. “I’m not trying to be a hypocrite as I have no fucking idea which branch I’ll join. But Jean,” Twisting my body, the moonlight cast a glow upon the cadet as he moved towards me, wanting to see my expression. “Surviving in this world, I believe people have the right to choose how they want to live. Some want to save humanity, some want to save themselves. If that’s what makes you happy, I have no right to impede on that.”

Lowering his head, Jean muttered, “Other than Marco, you’re the only one who doesn’t treat me differently.”

“Jean, we just had initiation yesterday – ”

“And we just met yesterday, but our friendship is already in shambles.”

Dropping my hand, my body turned fully towards the golden eyed cadet, needing to know if my ears heard him correctly. “Our…friendship?”

My statement had Jean nodding as he walked closer. “Emalina…” he whispered. Sighing, my eyes closed, only to feel Jean bump his fist against my head. “You’re an idiot. Yes, _our friendship_.”

“But, Jean…” Tugging at the sleeve of my jacket, I knew I was stalling, suddenly nervous to know his reasoning, but not sure if I could accept it. “I – We…we just met yesterday.”

“Yeah, so what’s your point?”

“Huh?” Looking up Jean ran a hand through his hair and exhaled. 

“Whether we met yesterday, or last year…shit, I’m saying this: _you’re my friend_. So…don’t go off and tell people that you don’t have friends. Ok?” Tightening my lips, I wasn’t sure to smile or frown, the mixture of unanticipated feelings coursed through my veins. Meekly, I muttered a “thanks” before Jean wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against his chest. Heat instantly rose upon my cheeks, eyes widening as my body folded into his taller frame; in that moment, I knew Jean was my friend. I _wanted_ him to be my friend. 

“Emalina…I’m sorry for what I said.”

“It’s ok.” Pulling back, I rubbed my cheeks, hoping the redness of my skin wasn’t visible. “I forgive you. But from this moment on, just ask if you think I may know something, is that fair?” I couldn’t hold this against him. There seemed to be much more to Jean Kirschtein than I could perceive.

“Fuck, Emalina that’s more than fair.”

“Then all is forgiven.”

“So, can I…ask you something right now?” Jean’s voice was hesitant.

“If I deem it worthy of an answer.”

Grasping my hand, Jean tightened his fingers around mine. “Why did you suddenly leave me and Marco this morning”

Letting go of his hand, my body paced away, abruptly needing space, but still wanting to feel Jean’s warmth. Conflicted, I chose space, moving until my feet were planted directly in the middle of the tripod. The battle between my heart and my gut instinct raged on. Again, I was left questioning myself. Was I strong enough to let this person in? Was I willing to accept another into my life? As I faced the male cadet, whose eyes gleamed with curiosity and acceptance, the dispute faltered, my conviction striving for a transformation. If Jean was willing to accept me, I should be able to accept his trust.

In that moment, I was done holding onto the shadow’s, stepping forward into the darkness of the indefinite. If I wanted to be free, now was the time to spread my wings. 

“Jean, come here and stand in the middle.”

Complying without question, my nimble fingers fastened the wires, connecting each to the specific loop on his belt, my fingers trailing lightly over his hip as I moved backwards. Heat returned once more, my cheeks cast aflame, but the beating of my heart was welcomed, the soft, hastened pace increased more when Jean brushed the tips of his fingers against mine.

Grasping the metal crank, I asked, “You ready Jean?”

“I guess…? But what’s the – wait, WOAH!” Revolving the handle, Jean instantly lifted into the air, his body swaying, but maneuvering the use of being weightless. He was maintaining a decent balance just as I’d witnessed earlier this morning, but if he wanted advice, I was willing to offer. 

Walking around until we were facing one another, I crossed my arms and smirked up into his face. “You wanted advice. Tell me what you thought the moment your feet left the ground.”

Swaying, Jean’s arms switched from being at his side to waving around through the air, attempting to steady his balance. “What I was thinking? I was thinking that I don’t want to fall on my face!”

His bluntness allowed a chuckle to form on my lips. “True, true, but try this: clear your mind of everything, just focus on the idea of floating.”

“How the hell can I clear my mind when I’ve got two wires keeping me up?!”

“If you can’t handle this, the two wires that’ll be swinging you from tree to tree when we start training on ODM gear will kill you.”

Frowning, Jean suspended his arms, but with the glint in his eye, I doubt he cleared his mind, but whatever trick he used was working. Slowly, but surely, his limbs stilled and his body ceased to sway. Before long, Jean’s demeanor appeared to have frozen in time, the color of his eyes the only contrast to exhibit his lack of movement. Softly clapping my hands, I nodded my head. “Do you feel a difference?”

His response was a quick nod of his head. “I’m not fighting anything.”

“Exactly, that’s really all it boils down to. If you fight the resistance, you struggle to gain balance; by clearing your thoughts, you allow your body to establish a new stance in the weightless environment." Grasping the crank, I lowered Jean down and watched whilst he removed both wires, dropping them from his hands, clinking as they fell. “Unless someone else has another trick, that’s all I have to offer. Keep this in mind when we begin using ODM; you won’t have time to think about how to stay in this pose or another. ODM is all about quick judgement and the coordination of flying, to clear your mind and focus on the goal at task. Does that help?”

“More than I can thank you for.” Standing with his back towards me, the wind briefly kicked to life, sharp bursts wafting strands of hair upon my face. I closed my eyes and waited for it to pass, but the touch of skin so soft caught my attention and I looked to see Jean moving said strands, clearing my face of any obstruction. “Thank you, Emalina. I promise to work hard to prove my worth to you.” With such words seeping into my ears, Jean took his leave as I watch his form slowly leaving my vision. 

“Jean!” The sharpness of his name rolled of my tongue like quickfire, the effect clear as the cadet froze and turned, eyebrow raised in question. “To answer your question…you know, from before? I…” Twisting and turning my hands in front of me, I swallowed the self-pity lodged within me. Taking a deep breath, I displayed my truth. “I – I shut down. It’s…it’s something I can’t control. T-there…there are times when…” Hugging one arm close to myself, I found it surprising how much I was willing to explain. “…when I refuse to speak. I become withdrawn, silenced, and until I feel…one with myself again, I can’t converse with those around me.”

Allowing my words to soak into his ears, Jean stood quietly, watching me with astonishment upon his face, but the peace in the air was troublesome within my heart, and I could feel the darkness creeping in. With the sudden realization of the truth out in the open, my mouth closed as I needed another escape and I walked past Jean, wanting to curl in my bed, desiring the solitude that had been my comfort for the last five years. But the cadet wouldn’t allow my absence as he lightly gripped my wrist, pulling me back. The on and off closeness we’ve had for the last hour caused suspicion within my mind; was this what our friendship would be? Be by one another’s side one day and secluded the next?

_What if…? What if…? What if…?_

“I didn’t have many friends growing up.” Blinking rapidly, my arm laxed in Jean’s grasp. Widening my eyes, I wasn’t understanding the meaning. “Ema, you admitted something very personal, so I did the same favor; you deserve as much. I was…hefty growing up; being raised by my mother, she spoiled me with food, and I was teased.” Pulling me close, Jean whispered quietly, not wanting even the goddess of the wind to carry his words. “Whenever you get that feeling, confide in me, I’ll be your safe haven; I won’t let you suffer alone.”

If his statement had reached my heart several years ago, I would be crying with tears streaming down my face. Now, only my heart wept; but the darkness was skulking, wanting to drown me in an everlasting pit of helpless apprehension. Needing to believe in Jean’s promise, I permitted the one action I forbade myself to commit ever again. I latched my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to my body, the desirable fire settling deep within, illuminating a radiance upon the shadow that had been suffocating my entire being. Jean was the first light I’d witnessed in a long time; if the fire was burning this quickly, I needed him to stay by my side. 

But this flame didn’t seem to fall under the terms of “friendship”. It was deep, safe; when his arms wrapped around my body, it was as if I was enclosed in the warmth arm of an angel. My angel.

_What is this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’ve been really down lately. I suffer from high anxiety and depression. Lately, when I think of writing, I’ve grown scared, thinking my writing isn’t strong, or that I have created a strong piece of work. If someone could please comment or send me a message and let me know what they think? It doesn’t have to be with AoT, but I’m curious to hear if my writing has potential. I would greatly appreciate it.
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	3. Both Trapped in a Cage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I tried something different with this chapter. I utilized Point of Views, and honestly, I think I like it, I’m thinking of using it again. I hope it flows together, as this chapter was a little tricky to piece together. Also this chapters pretty long – over 10,000 words! My husband thinks I’m fucking nuts – but I love him!
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me. I own Emalina and any other OC’s.

_Jean’s Point of View_

The following months after our initiation into the Cadet Corps was brutal, if there was another simplistic word to describe the blood, pain and mental stress our bodies succumbed. Day and night, we trained; hand-to-hand combat, weight training, strength core routines, and let’s not forget how Shadis drilled us within the pouring rain. Our muscles strained, our feet lagged, and one by one, cadets left, determined they were fit better for the life of a farmer than the life of a soldier. 

But who was I to claim they weren’t fit to be soldiers? Here I was, working my ass for a spot within the Top Ten; I was here to obtain my rightful spot within the Interior – to live the simple, but luxurious life within the Military Police. 

Despite the attitude I received from some, she never treated me differently. The female cadet I met during initiation, the one who smiled in my direction, risking a lecture from Shadis to see if my head injury was alright. Emalina didn’t see me any different, in spite of the arrogance I gave her when I discovered she was already ahead of our training. 

Though I have yet to discover how she’s advanced, I wouldn’t risk the friendship we’ve established over wanting to know something that wasn’t all that important. When we came clean to each other, something changed. Marco, Emalina and myself were always together, and, to my surprise, Ema took my words to heart. There were a few instances she sought my attention when she needed help. I’d noticed the change in her facial features only once, but one time was enough to distinguish when she was struggling internally. She confided in me when she needed, but her trust was very limited. She still wasn’t open regarding her past or herself, but now and then, her words would slip unexpectedly, and I would only smile; I wanted to confide with her that I wasn’t going to judge. 

An eye for an eye; she wouldn’t judge me, I wouldn’t judge her. 

As the months gradually rolled by, the training we suffered changed. As the three of us walked into the open dirt clearing, standing at attention with our arms clasped behind our backs, we waited for Shadis to give the outline for the day. Standing in front of the group of cadets, Shadis raised his voice as yelled, “Morning maggots!”

“Morning, sir!”

“Mmm, ya’ll seem chipper this morning. Well today’s your lucky fucking day! Today we’ll be focusing on hand-to-hand combat!” Our group murmured with those around, questioning if hand combat was a joke as we still continued this training. Ema looked between Marco and I, nodding her head to prove the Commander’s words. 

“Again…?”

“Hand combat, he’s not serious, is he?”

“He is, Marco,” she replied softly. “It’s not part of our final grade when we reach our third year though…”

“So, I can slack off then?” Nudging Marco in the shoulder, my friend grinned and shook his head. “Seems pointless to me, why do the work?”

Ema crossed her arms, my eyes narrowing, focusing on her change in demeanor. Crossing arms around her body, she was barricading herself from others; her eyes grew hallow, their usual, beautiful color faded; her expression was neutral, emotionless. “Just because we’re not graded doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hone our skills.”

“But we’re being trained to kill titans – we can’t kill those monsters with our fists!”

“No, you can’t,” she answered coolly, her eyes meeting mine. “Besides, there are other monsters in the world besides the titans.”

My mouth opened to question her, but Shadis called everyone back to attention, his voice louder than thunder. “Alright, shut the hell up, you punks! Pair up in groups of two, come up and pick a knife – work until I tell you to stop. The drill is to take the knife from your partner then switch sides, consider your offensive and defensive strategies. Get to it!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“Emalina!” Sasha ran up to Ema and grasped her arm, her eyes thrilled with the chance to play rather than fight. “Someone picked Connie to be their partner, wanna be mine?!” Eyes quickly finding mine, she smiled at Sasha and left to grab their wooden knife. I turned towards Marco and nodded, leaving to grab our wooden prop as well before wandering off to choose our spot to work. From my peripheral, I could see Sasha and Ema close by, one wanting to goof around while the other actually wanting to train. Sighing, I tightened my hand around the wooden toy and peered up at Marco, whose vision was also focused on a certain female. 

“Hey, Marco. Let’s take this seriously for a bit before we slack off.”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea? Shadis is going to call us out once he starts walking around!”

“So?” Throwing the knife in the air, it flipped before I caught it once more. I repeated this several times before turning my attention to Emalina to see her striking Sasha with the prop; her maneuvers were balanced, her form sharp as a real knife. She knew what she was doing. _Who the hell taught her how to fight?_

Marco noticed my attention before laughing. “Alright Jean, we’ll practice to make Ema happy.”

“W-What the hell, Marco?!” Throwing the wooden toy in his direction, Marco stumbled, his fingers barely catching the sword as he frowned in my direction. “I didn’t say that!” 

“You didn’t have to, Jean.”

And so, we spent the next hour or so going back and forth, between Marco being the attacker, me being the victim, and vice versa. By the time we had each completed the round roughly fifty times, I gave up, stashing the wooden knife into the back of my pants before tackling Marco to the ground. 

I pushed my fellow Cadet until his back thudded against the solid dirt and used my strength to pin Marco beneath me, wanting to end this “friendly” battle. Twisting, Marco pushed my body off of his, wrapping one leg around mine until he pinned his hands behind my neck, restraining the movements of my arms. Grunting, I twisted my upper body, attempting to unlock Marco’s grip; finally succeeding, I knocked the freckled boy onto his back and curled one arm behind himself. But Marco was quick for being slightly taller than myself as he kicked both legs out from under me. Laughing, we sprawled onto the ground, the heat of the early afternoon casting a gleam of sweat upon our brows. “You give, Jean?”

“You wish, Marco. Ask again and I’ll shove those words up your ass!”

“Such vulgar language, Jean!”

“ _You_ should be more vulgar, Marco –”

“EMALINA!” Abruptly stopping, both Marco and I froze, our attention froze, the wrestling match forgotten as our eyes moved within the large crowd of Cadets still training; that is, until my eyes found Sasha across the field. Potato girl fell to her knees, hands quivering, unable to decide whether she should cover her mouth or help her partner. “Emalina! Are you all right?!” Moving my head, Marco shared the same look as we quickly stood to our feet, the realization of the name Sasha yelled dawned on our brains. Barreling my feet against the field, I burst forward, limbs flailing as I stumbled over my feet several times and nearly fell flat on my face. With Marco following close behind, we rushed to our friend’s side, needing to know what happened. We pushed through a small group of Cadets who formed a circle around the two, the rest of the trainees stood in their spots, whispering amongst themselves. 

My legs couldn’t move fast enough, my palms tightened against my sides as I closed in on the two girls. Moving people aside, I drew to a standstill, breath caught in my throat, one thought repeating itself within my head. _What the hell was going on?_ But that’s when I finally pushed through and saw what the commotion was about, with Sash still knelt on her knees, that’s when I noticed my friend. 

Emalina was curled on her side facing towards Sasha, her body unmoving as her gaze focused on Potato girl, who still wasn’t moving either. The female in question groaned, voicing an inaudible sound, to where Sasha leaned forward, asking her partner to repeat her statement. Leaning back, she peered through the crowd until she landed on me. “Jean,” she said, curling her finger for me to walk over. Kneeling next to Emalina, I tenderly placed my hand on her shoulder, not knowing if she was hurt, and if she was, where.

“Emalina? Ema, what’s going on? What happened?” Noticing she turned her head, I leaned forward, but wasn’t sure what I was supposed to see; that is, until a sliver of red liquid trickled from her skin, staining the dirt below. Narrowing my glare, I gently pulled my friend to a sitting position, her stare never leaving mine. Grasping her chin, I angled her head to the side, finally noticing the damage. 

The red bodily fluid dripped from her temple in a steady flow concerned me greatly, as a simple cut shouldn’t bleed as much as it was. Knowing enough basic first-aid – thanks to my _mother_ – I knew the bleeding needed to be stopped. Searching through my pockets, I whisked a spare cloth from the inside of my jacket and gently placed it against her skin, dabbing at first and wiping the thick, red liquid streams that escaped down her cheek. Emalina didn’t budge, until I firmly placed the cloth against her temple did she wince, wanting to pull away from the pressure. Hissing, she closed her eyes, but my spare hand found her other cheek, softly holding her posture in place as I cleaned the wound, noticing how it was deeper than I originally expected. Her skin still bled, red stains flowing freely across her tanning skin; swallowing the lump in my throat, my eyes focused on the wound, knowing the jaggedness of the edges resulted in a deeper incision. 

Dabbing the cloth, I muttered, “Shit, that’s gonna leave a scar…”

“I’m used to scars. One more won’t hurt.”

With eyes turning towards her, I shook my head, wanting to ask what she meant, needing to hear her reasoning; but this wasn’t the time nor place. Instructing Emalina to keep the cloth firmly against her temple, I turned towards Sasha, whose body was rigid with panic. “Sasha, what happened?”

“I – we were training, I swear! I didn’t think this part of our training was necessary, but Emalina insisted it was. So we spent some time going over different moves with the knife. She instructed me to use a move on her she had just showed me…but I didn’t want to! We…we tried several times, but she was adamant I could do it. We tried one more time…but I got too close and…hit her with the knife…”

Raising an eyebrow, I glanced back between both female cadets. “There’s no way a wooden knife could’ve done that to her.”

“No,” Emalina muttered, her eyelashes flickered as she moved her sight between Sasha and myself. “Her movement caught me off guard and I lost my footing as I blocked her attack. My head landed against the ground when I fell – I must’ve landed on a rock.”

“What in god’s name is going on here?!” Stepping aside, several Cadets moved as Shadis stepped forth, arms clasped behind his back, eyes narrowed as he analyzed the situation before him. Noticing the stained cloth Emalina held, Shadis angrily stated, “Someone care to explain what has happened here? Cadet Blouse?”

“Sir! Uh…you see, sir…”

“Sir,” Emalina interjected, legs wobbling as she gained her balance and stood to her feet. I brushed my hand against her side, but she didn’t response, so I stood behind and watched. “We were doing the exercise as instructed, I lost my balance and fell.” Pulling the cloth from her head, Shadis leaned forward, inspecting her wound. “…thus resulting in this scratch upon my head.”

Tilting down to gaze further, the Commander of the Cadets shook his head. “This is no scratch, Varlen. _Blouse!_ ”

“Sir!”

“You are to take Cadet Varlen to the Medical Wing and see to it she receives the care her wound requires. She’s going to need several stitches to close that up. Varlen!”

“Sir?”

“Come see me when you’re all taken care of.” Turning to yell at the remaining recruits, Shadis looked over at me before nodding his head, voice echoing as he turned away once more. “You slackers! Back to your training! I didn’t say you could take a break!” The Cadets scrambled to their remaining positions, some pretending to attack and defend while several used this time to learn defensive maneuvers. 

As our Commander excused himself, Emalina grabbed my hand, pulling my attention towards her. “Jean, can I borrow your cloth?”

“Keep it if you want. You ruined the damn thing,” I chuckled, a smirk grew on my lips as Emalina swatted my arm before wobbling and grasping my shoulder for support. “Hey! I was only kidding!”

“No…that’s not it,” she replied weakly. 

“Alright, you need to see the doctor. Sasha, take care of her, and make sure she stays hydrated.”

“Uh…sure Jean, whatever you say. Come on Emalina! Maybe we can sneak by the Mess Hall and steal some potatoes!”

As they walked off, Sasha carefully wrapping her arm around Emalina’s shoulder, I heard my friend state, “You may be lucky. I think Shadis will grant you dinner privileges again.” 

Emalina’s voice echoed across the field as she was taken to the Medical Wing. Watching her go left a weird taste in my mouth, but Sasha was instructed by Shadis to lead her – nothing I could do about that. Marco and I made our way back to the original spot we claimed, standing side-by-side, watching the other Cadets resume their training. The whole scene with Emalina put some great thought upon my shoulders. Did she trust me that much? Or did she simply want someone she was comfortable with?

_Wait…does that mean she’s comfortable around me?_

Our friendship started out rocky, but I’d rather have Emalina speaking with me than not. Beside me, Marco twisted his face in confusion before looking in my direction. “I hope Emalina’s all right…”

“She’ll be fine, Marco, she’s strong,”

“I don’t doubt she’s strong Jean, but something…”

My eyebrows furrowed together. “Something _what_ , Marco?”

“Haven’t you noticed how quiet she can be, sometimes?”

“Mhm, I have. But Mikasa’s quiet too.” Just thinking of the raven-haired girl sent my heart pounding, but when Emalina’s face drifted into my memory, my chest muscles battered together, an unknown aching erupted through my entire being that had just been thinking about Emalina. _What the hell?_

“No, Mikasa’s different. She’s quiet, yes, but Emalina’s more…reserved, standoff-ish, maybe? Almost…” His eyes widened as Marco grabbed my arm. “It’s almost like she wants to be invisible.”

Soaking in my friend’s words, realization dawned that he was on to something. Though she had admitted the truth, was she still hiding something from me? Or is it…that she doesn’t know how she perceives herself?

What happened that caused her to be so hesitant? So fearful?

“She’s special, Jean.”

Snapping out of mt inattentiveness, my hand pulled the wooden toy from behind my back. Twirling the wood through my fingers, I slipped the sword into the air. “W-Why do you say that?”

Thrusting his hand forward, Marco snatched the knife before I could grasp the hilt and held it. “I don’t know, she just…” He took a breath and sighed. “Emalina has this aura about her. She’s confident, strong, smart; she knows what she’s doing and why.”

“Geez Marco!” Shoving my friend against his shoulder, I exclaimed, “You act as if you have a crush on her!”

“ _J-Jean!_ ” My freckled friend stumbled with his hands and dropped the knife. Picking it from the ground, his face burned with embarrassment. “Goodness, Jean…”

“Alright you maggots, pull in!”

Groaning, I craned my neck to relieve some pressure from the annoyance in my neck. “Sounds like we’re done with this exercise.”

“Jean. You haven’t given your opinion.”

“On what, Marco?”

“About Emalina.”

Laughing, I pulled Marco under my arm, dragging him along to the rest of the Cadets forming around the Commander. “Well, I can’t disagree with you Marco. Between the two of us, you are the smart one.”

Did I believe Emalina was special?

Yes, yes I did.

Some factor, force – _something_ – drew me to her the day we met all those months ago. My first look upon her was one I’ll never allow myself to forget. Her stance read ‘I want to be left alone’, but her eyes glistened with mischief, with hope; they screamed she wanted a friend. Entering the crowd of our fellow Cadets, my mind was set that my focus in becoming a soldier would be me, myself and I. But Marco stumbled into my path, and then I met Emalina. 

It was then I know that I wanted to be by her side. She glowed in my eyes. 

_Marco, I don’t know why you think she’s special, but for me, Emalina makes me feel safe. As if my goals and dreams actually matter. Emalina allows me to be me without a condescending attitude that I’m in the wrong. I don’t have to be afraid when I’m with her._

I had been living in a cage within Trost. Trapped between my mind, those around me and my mother. I didn’t want to fight the titans, hell, I _still_ don’t want to fight them; the life of the Interior has been my goal for some time. The day titans broke through Wall Maria had been my final resolve, but my desire for an easy life stems from my…well, my… _Damn, I shouldn’t bring that memory up._ Despite my reasoning and why, my cage was breaking free.

I could see the light within the crevice of my cage, and the only object I could see from the inside was the spitting image of Emalina.

~ oOo ~

_Emalina’s Point of View_

“There you go, sweetie, all patched up, now. Come see me in ten days and I’ll remove your stitches. If it hurts, place a cool cloth for about twenty minutes and no more; make sure to drink plenty of water. You lost enough blood today.”

“Thank you, ma’am, I appreciate your help.”

“Your too kind sweetie, it was my pleasure. Come see me if you pain increases, alright? You two take care now.” The on-duty nurse smiled in my direction before taking her medical tools and walking into her office. Grabbing the hand mirror off the nightstand, I watched my reflection as I gently touched the patch job of my injury. 

“I didn’t think you would need fifteen stitches.”

Sasha was currently sitting across from me upon the next medical bed, hands folded neatly in her lap. She had been quiet the entire time, and honestly? It made me a little nervous. “Neither did I, but you could also look at the fact that I didn’t need more.”

My statement seemed to cheer the hungry girl. “You’re right, I guess that’s true!” Hopping off the bed, she resumed her spot next to me. Twiddling her thumbs, she wouldn’t look me in the eye, I had to touch her shoulder to gain her attention. Blinking, the usually upbeat female timidly asked, “Emalina? You’re not upset with me, are you?”

“Huh?” Bending my knee on the mattress, I physically turned my attention towards her. “No? Why would you think that?”

“Well it’s my fault you fell, is it not?”

“It’s not like you did it on purpose.”

“Yeah, but…”

“No ‘buts,’ Sasha.”

“Emalina I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have used that move on you!”

I sighed, “Sasha?”

“I can’t believe how careless I was! Is that the type of soldier I’ll be?”

“Sasha…”

“Oh god, I’m gonna fail! I’m gonna hurt all my partners and I’ll never graduate!”

“SASHA!” Grasping her shoulders, I lightly shook the poor girl until she ceased to talk. Her golden-brown orbs did nothing but focus on mine. Wrinkling her face, the female released several drops of tears, throwing her arms around my waist and pulling me forward. With a soft voice resonating within my ears, Sasha said, “Emalina, I’m still sorry. Will you please forgive me?”

Knowing the poor was wouldn’t let the matter go unless I said something, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and returned the hug. Her apology was not needed, as it was a complete accident. Humoring her, I replied, “Though your apology is definitely not necessary, I wholeheartedly forgive you, Sasha – as long as you stop apologizing.”

Pulling back as she laughed, Sasha exclaimed, “Oh, I can do that! But, I have one condition as well.” Raising my eyebrow, I waited for the girl to speak her mind. “Will you be my friend?”

“Huh? Wha-What?” Had I heard her correctly? “You want to be my friend?” She nodded vigorously. “…really?”

“Yes, really! I’ve been trying to gain the courage since the night you gave me your dinner.”

“Several months ago?”

“Oh yes. I…you’re really nice Emalina, and I know you hang around Jean and Marco a lot, but you sometimes seem sad…and, I don’t know, I want to make you happy.”

I gulped, not knowing the person called _Potato Girl_ would see right through me, just like Jean. Briefly closing my eyes, my lungs were slowing, my breath struggling to supply a stable amount of oxygen.

_No_ , I told myself. This cannot rule my life forever, this cannot decide what will happen without my consent. Jean made me realize a change was needed within my life. If I wanted to follow through on my words, it would begin with answering the question at hand. Without mentally stating my decision, my heart was at ease, as it foresaw the decision before I had. Needing to save myself, my choice would lead me down a path I wasn’t sure if I was ready for.

Expanding my chest, I filed my lungs with air, my lips moved as I answered her question with, “I want to be your friend too, Sasha.”

Eyes twinkling, Sasha bounced off the bed, the heels of her boots clinking against the flooring. “R-Really?! Oh, yay! My first female friend!” _I blinked, now sure I heard her statement correctly. Did she really mean that?_

“I’m your first female friend?” I asked timidly. 

“Yep yep. I grew up in Dauper, a small hunting village within Wall Rose, slightly to the west of Trost District. I’m an only child so I was raised more boyish, you could say. It’s…a little difficult for me to get along with girls.”

Her honesty brought a warm smile upon my face. Swallowing my fear, I bit my tongue, as it was now or never. Being placed into the same predicament felt as if the Goddesses of the Walls – if they even existed – were judging my desire to change right here and now. But this thought halted any further thinking. If I was this willing to consider allowing Sasha into my life, why wouldn’t I allow Jean? “I’ve only ever had one female friend before too.”

“Oh really? Did she decide to not become a soldier?”

My voice was quiet for a moment, an awareness brought to my attention that I mentioned something that hadn’t been spoke of for several years. The will to speak on the matter had slipped through my fingers, allowing a piece of my unsolvable puzzle to be placed on display. “…she was eaten by a titan,” the words left my mouth before I even agreed to send them off. The chains snapped, a substantial pressure lifted from the depths of my heart; it was the same sense of weightlessness I experienced when utilizing the ODM gear. Was this the path to flying? To be free? Before I could answer myself, Sasha, once again, threw her arms around my neck, pulling me in close. Though the stinging of my eyes from unshed tears blurred my vision, I couldn’t distinguish whether I was upset, or happy.

Regardless, the beating of my heart fluttered, goosebumps and tingles soared across my skin, racing towards my fingertips. I could only assume my newly appointed friend was trying to comfort me; whatever her reason, I greatly appreciated her actions. It was heartening and new all at the same time. I wasn’t allowed to speak, as Sasha pulled back, explaining, “I’m so sorry to hear that, Emalina. I wasn’t trying to pry, I would never do that.”

“No, don’t apologize Sasha, you didn’t do anything. She…”

“Don’t say anything you don’t want to, Emalina. I’m not asking to know something you don’t want to share.”

I quickly muffled “Thank you,” before standing to my feet. The muscles across my body stiffened, my stomach clenched and my hands grew clammy. Breathing evenly as to not gain Sasha’s attention, I explained, “Well, now that my head’s been taken care of, I need to go see Shadis. Don’t want him thinking we skipped on the rest of today’s training.”

“Ugh, you’re right. Will you be alright until lunch?”

“Oh don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”

My friend asked several more times to see if I was alright going by myself, ensuring that I was definitely fit to be on my own, though the wound inflicted upon my temple was serious enough to cause such damage. Once walking away from the Medical Wing, I noticed one of Shadis’ several assistants making his way towards the training field when I stopped and asked where the Commander was located. 

“Ah, Emalina. Yes, he’s been expecting you. He’s over in the lecture hall.”

I gave my thanks and turned in the opposite direction, towards the hall where we received our daily lessons on becoming soldiers. Every other day we learned new information the Scout Regiment had discovered on their deadly expeditions, from the different titans that existed, how to kill them and where, even going so far to discuss different strategies to use when utilizing the ODM gear, both individually and within a team. Knowing the room would be empty, as a lesson was usually held after lunch, I still used my fingers to knock on the wood before opening the door. 

Shadis was currently sitting at the head table, examining numerous sheets of paper he had piled upon the desk; his eyes wandered towards mine as I gently closed the door behind me. Waving his hand over, I made my way in his direction and stood before the Commander. Piling several papers together, the elder man pushed them aside before acknowledging my presence. “So, what was the damage?”

With arms folded behind my back, I replied, “The nurse said that it was deeper than expected. I needed fifteen stitches and that I should go back within ten days so she could remove them.”

“That is good to hear, keep me posted. As for the reason why I called you here, I have a situation at hand, and I knew you’d be the best individual to help this with.”

“Sir?”

“As you might have heard, the Scout Regiment left for their most recent expedition to reclaim Wall Maria this morning.”

“Yes, I was informed previously by those that I know.”

“Well, Annamarie has left as well, and it’s that time for the Cadets to earn their skill in horseback training.” I nodded in response. “With Annamarie on the expedition, there is no one within the Scouts to teach the Cadets these skills. Though you are a soldier-in-training, that is why I have called upon you. Other than Annamarie, you’re the only one I trust in regards to this training. Hell, your knowledge on equestrians far surpasses hers.”

Humbly nodding my head, I lowered my gaze before returning to look my Commander in the eyes. Though this wasn’t the first compliment I had received on the matter, but it still brought a nervous blush upon my cheeks. “Your compliment is greatly appreciated, Commander.”

“Are you up to the task?”

“Oh what, sir?”

“Teaching your fellow Cadets their horsemanship.”

Taking a step back, I scratched around the gauze taped to the side of my head. The damn thing was getting itchy, but I mainly needed something to fiddle with because I wasn’t sure if I was the right person for the task. Surely the Commander didn’t think I could train the few hundred peers that were my comrades? “Are you sure I’m fit for this position? Cause I’m assuming that it wouldn’t be just for this training.”

Laughing, Shadis stated, “You’re as clever as they come, Emalina. I’ve already spoke with Annamarie, and if you agree to this task, you will handle all the horseback training until you and the other Cadets graduate.”

“Oh fucking shit.” Covering my mouth, I apologize to Shadis about my language but he scoffed my admission of guilt off and waited for an answer. “I mean, sir, that is…” Taking a breath while shaking my head, I nodded in agreement. “You know what? I’ll do it.”

“Now that’s what I wanted to hear; besides, you had no other choice.”

His statement caused me to sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. “Of course I didn’t…”

Grabbing a larger stack of papers, the Commander stood from his position. “You know how this works, seeing as you were Annamarie’s assistant from the last Cadet Corps training. The training will commence after lunch for the next week, then will be after lunch for two days a week until after two months. You will then grade each individual to determine who is the strongest in the class, and who is falling behind.”

“Who will grade myself? Just because I have been asked to instruct the classes shouldn’t make a difference. I’m still a Cadet just like the rest of my comrades.”

“If anyone gives you that crap, tell them to come talk to me personally. I know your strength on the back of a horse, I’ve seen it personally. You were born and raised In Uma, after all.” Uma…I hadn’t heard that name in some time, neither had the word left my lips since I escaped with my life from my hometown. I understood the point Shadis was stating, as he must’ve seen my discomfort. “Emalina, I knew both your mother and father. They would be proud of where you are today.” I knew he was right. Uma would always be a special place within my heart, but the problem with carrying a place so deeply within is attempting to avoid the memories which coincided. The blood, the screams and children crying was something I would never be able to escape from. 

_Jean, I wish you were here._

At the mere thought of my male friend, the carnage of my nightmares thus vanished, leaving the hollowness of my past to be erased in that moment in time as I could only see the copper-blonde undercut hair of my male friend, the freckled cheeked boy, and the newly appointment friend who couldn’t stop eating. The subconscious that was my mind knew I had been trudging through the darkness that had engulfed my mind for roughly two years. But the isolation was clearing, a light upon my heart to see that I wasn’t as alone as I forced myself to be. Recalling how much I had been smiling within the last few months, I gave my Commander a small grin before saying, “My parents would be proud. That is why I wish to carry on the legacy that my village was famous for.”

‘You already have, Emalina. Don’t forget all the work and help you’ve provided since the Scouts rescued you two years ago.”

“ _Never_ shall I forget, sir.”

~ oOo ~

I had left Shadis to attend our lunch when I was bombarded my Jean and Marco, each asking question after question too see how I was and if my head would be ok. I gave them all the details they needed and expressed that I had to leave early as I was meeting Shadis before our afternoon training. Both male Cadets had no idea why I was meeting Shadis once more, but all I would express was that they would see after they finished their meal. I left the mess hall, several eyes watching as I left, but the ones I was curious about were Eren’s; ignoring his stare, and presumably the one I most likely received from Mikasa, I walked towards the training field my steps grew faster and faster until I broke into a run, wanting, no, needing to see the one individual I hadn’t seen since my training began. Shadis had informed me that she would be assisting with my training after lunch and that I had to wait until after before I could see her; thus my desire for wanting to leave early. 

Whistling through my fingers, I yelled through the open air. “Freyja!” Across the dirt field where the grass commenced to grow, my black mare drew her head to attention at the sound of her name. Yelling her name again, my mare whinnied and nickered before scampering towards my direction. We both skidded to a halt as she rubbed her muzzle into my shoulder. I was there the day my mare was born, and we had been best friends ever since. The day I left the Scout Regiment Headquarters to become a soldier was the last I had seen of her several months ago, but I knew I’d left her in great hands as Annamarie watched over her while I was away. She would eventually join me at our barracks because of the training I was about to conduct; each Cadet would be granted their own horse just for the training – but luckily, I had my own. 

Freyja continued to nudge my shoulder until I gently kissed her muzzle, rubbing the small white patch upon her nose. Behind her, I noticed the assistant from earlier was standing near the clearing of the woods where she had been grazing, his stare watching us. Walking towards me, the soldier handed me her lead rope, and stated that he was the one who brought Freyja from the Scout Regiment stable in Trost and was instructed to stay with her until I arrived. Bowing slightly to show my appreciation, I hooked the rope onto the halter Freyja was already wearing and pulled her along, but the mare was excited and froze in her spot, dragging her front hoof through the dirt. Chuckling, I tossed the rope over the crest of her neck and mounted her bareback. 

Rearing on her hind legs, Freyja burst forward, rampaging into a gallop as I hollered into the breeze as it cascaded through my air. The ODM gear I had been training on for two years was granting me my freedom, but with my best friend, Freyja granted me a remembrance to the freedom I held when we lived in Uma. Dropping the rope, I threw my hands into the air, not giving a damn of the Cadets possibly leaving the mess hall. Let them see the beauty in which I lived; let them stare in awe at the rare moment I was granted, to which I could breath, able to forget, to find peace and solace I so desperately sought. 

Let them see the freedom I already knew existed, that I was training every day to fight for once I became a full-fledged soldier. Liberation existed, it was out there, and there would come the day I would seek it out and clutch its power within my hands. Until that day dawns upon me, I would ride the back of this horse, laughing and crying into the cage of this world that would one day crumble beneath my feet. 

~ oOo ~

_Jean’s Point of View_

Since Emalina suddenly left after quickly eating her meal, Marco and I found ourselves leaving the mess hall not long after she, curiously wondering where she had left too, but also wanting to get a head start to the training field before the rest of our comrades. I was curious to know where she was, as our afternoon training was about to begin. Usually Shadis would instruct us before our lunch on what we would be doing for the rest of the day, and for the first time, he hadn’t done so. The corners of my ears raised as I noticed the familiar sound of laughing, noting it was definitely Emalina’s. 

“Hey Jean! Look at that!”

And just as I followed Marco’s finger to see the direction he was pointing too, I was taken aback. There was Emalina, arms thrown open to the sky, accepting whatever fate she allowed to fall upon her shoulders. Her legs embraced a sleek, black horse, whose freeborn spirit galloped around the barracks and passed the Commander’s office. Numerous heads turned as more people left the mess hall; some murmured to each other, other stared in awe. Me? I was one of the few that stared. Never before had I seen the female Cadet so carefree, so joyous for life. The steady rise of my internal temperature grew until I could feel the heat upon the tips of my ears. I watched as Emalina grasped the lead rope and pulled the horse into a slower pace, making her ways towards the field where we always met Shadis before training would commence. 

Beside me, Marco whistled, rustling his hair on the back of his head. “Man, she never mentioned she knew how to ride, but it seems Emalina’s pretty good around horses.”

Too transfixed on the image before me, I could only nod, barely registering my friend’s words. “So it would seem,” I replied slowly. 

“Do you think we’ll ever learn anything about Emalina directly from her?”

“Something tells me she will, Marco. We just have to give her time.” 

The rest of the Cadets followed suit, and before long Shadis was there, his eyes diligent on the soldiers in training, his mind wandering off to something only god knows what. Forming in our ordered line, we all stood, awaiting our orders and what we would be doing for the afternoon. I looked around, expecting to see Emalina appear by my side, but she wasn’t there. _Where the hell is she? Shadis is gonna be pissed._

But as I thought of her whereabouts, the clap of horses’ hooves caught my attention, as Emalina steered the creature to the front and dismounted, quietly speaking with the Commander before standing at attention by his side. The sight made my head tilt to the side; Marco stole a glance from the corner of his eyes but I just shook my head, not knowing what was happening. 

“Everyone, listen up! As soldiers in training, you all are expected to learn the skill of horsemanship! And that is the task for this afternoon’s training!” A large portion of the group groaned in annoyance, others remained quiet, emotionless. Marco seemed excited, but I wasn’t sure what to think. Would the training help? Possibly. I had been around horses while living in Trost, but to physically be on the back of one and maneuver it myself? _Ha! That would’ve bode well for me indeed._

“Oh, quit your yapping! The essence of horsemanship is vital to being a soldier. What you learn here today, you will take with you to whatever branch you decide after you graduate.”

“But only the Scouts need those skills!”

“I’m going into the Garrison! Do we really need this?”

Numerous individuals stated their opinion, one shouting after the other; Shadis listening intently, waiting for the opportune moment to state what was on _his_ mind. Emalina stood silently by his side, eyes scanning the crowd, shoulder occasionally being nudged by the same creature she had been riding earlier. My stare focused solely on her, watching her every move, curious as to why she was up front and not with Marco and myself. Swiveling her head, as if she knew someone was observing her, Emalina found my stare, the corners of her lips lifting. I don’t know what the hell happened, but just the fact she smiled in my direction burned my cheeks to hell and back. 

Diverting my gaze, my attention turned to the sky. I couldn’t understand; my muscles tensed, chest tightened. With the afternoon sun upon her fair skin, I… _My god…what the hell am I even thinking?_

“Do you amateurs honestly think this skill will only be needed for one of the regiments? You have much to learn. That is why she will teach you.” Extending his hand towards my friend, she took a few steps forward, nodding her head, accepting his declaration as truth. 

A collective gasp burst through the crowd. _“Emalina?!”_ My comrades were confused, as was I, but I simply stood still, feet locked in position, knowing there must be a reason for this. 

“Usually we have the Scouts stable-hand teach you cadets; but as of this morning, the entire Scout Regiment is currently on their latest expedition beyond the walls and will not be back for some time.” Rocks crunching beneath his boots, Shadis stepped forward, eyes narrowing as he scanned the crowd. “Now, Cadet Varlen will be in charge of your entire horsemanship training, as I am the one who has appointed her directly. If any one of you has difficulty accepting this, come see me.” I watched as several Cadets visibly shivered, their fear of being confronted by their Commander to extreme to imagine. “Cadet Varlen has the strongest skills when it comes to horses and the concept of riding them. She will instruct you, guide you, and even grade your performance at the end of this training. Now then,” turning to Emalina, Shadis nodded and moved to walk away. “Oh. And Cadet Varlen?”

“Yes, sir?”

“You have my permission to beat the crap out of any who disobey you.”

I noticed her back froze and grew rigid, probably questioning why she would need to. “Uh…y-yes sir.” Waiting until the man was out of range, she looked towards the rest of us, some held speculation in their eyes while others held nothing but bitterness. Taking a deep breath, she yelled, “Hi everyone!” Several people murmured a reply, I was too busy observing those around me, eyeing each individual reaction I could see within my vision. I was breathing in air that was stained with apprehension, the tension thick enough to be sliced with a butcher knife. 

With shoulders sagging, Emalina took a deep breath. “Look, I know this probably doesn’t make some of you happy, but…we’re just going to get through it. Ok? Now,” Grasping the lead rope from the horse, Emalina steered the creature around the cadets as she yelled, “I want you all to form a circle around me. Make sure that you have a view of both me and my horse.” It took a few moments, but once everyone was in place, she finally smiled, her find gently patting the horse’s neck. “Alright, good. Everyone? This is Freyja – she is my personal steed and…I’ve had her since I was a young girl.” Her majestic voice grew soft, but the fierceness of her gaze grew stronger. 

“Now, today we will be working on learning the anatomy of a horse, as it is vital you know the strength and weakness to their physicality. Right now, this might not seem important. But if you’re in the Scouts and if something happens to your horse, knowing your horse, both physically and how it reacts around you, could, and will, save your life from being eaten. Now, let’s begin with who has ever grown up with these animals in your daily lives? Oh, Sasha! Perfect.”

If there ever was a word to describe Emalina, she would be a saint. The woman was patient and understanding, but damn could she teach while making it seem everything was easy to understand. The only time horses were in my life was when I’d see them with merchants throughout Trost. Had I ever ridden one? Tch, possibly, but knowing they were forcing this type of training on us made me nervous. But explanations stated by Emalina calm my nerves. 

Passionate is another way I would describe my friend. Her gestures around her horse, the tone of which she spoke to her friend, and the way she taught us all proved this was something she held close. I wish I held half the enthusiasm she held. What did I hold close? What was I infatuated with?

_“ – ean? Jean!”_

“What?!” I snapped.

Beside me, Marco groaned, pushing me forward towards the middle of the circle – towards Emalina. “She’s been calling your name, but you’ve been staring off into the distance, completely ignoring her.” There were snickers and laughter across my comrades, some whispering to their partners. Ignoring their smirks, I advanced towards the center, curiosity peaking. _Did I miss something? Why the hell hadn’t I been paying attention?!_

“You’ve been quiet, Jean. I’m gonna have you help demonstrate riding a horse bareback.”

“I’m gonna…wait, _what?_ ”

Blinking, my friend stayed silent, eyes softening before growing firm, remaining adamant. “The purpose of today’s training is to prepare everyone for the basics of horseback riding. The anatomy of a horse is vital, then comes the point of actually learning how to ride. I was taught to ride bareback before anything else – that is the same training we will complete today. Tomorrow, we will have spare horses for each of you to demonstrate this ability. Today, you, Jean, will show our comrades what I’ve have instructed thus far.”

“Um…alright.” Staring at the beast ahead of me, Freyja blew air from her nose, the warmness of her breath fluttering against my face. Tensing, I grasped the lead rope Emalina extended towards me, and looked back on my memory of her explanation. With bareback, she instructed us that we were to essentially to skip for one step before jumping and pulling ourselves over the horses back, almost as if we had a running start. Easy enough. Tch, it’s only easy because I can remember Emalina’s demonstration. Well…that, and my stare was lost as it pinpointed on her ass.

_What the actual fuck, Kirschtein?!_

Taking a deep breath, I did exactly as she: though I avoided the skip in my step, jumped and threw my legs over successfully. Hoisting my spine straight, I tightly held the lead rope within my hands, turning to find Emalina, only to see that she was standing next to me, a bright smile on her rosy lips. “Perfect Jean! Absolutely perfect!”

Acknowledging the crowd, she stated, “Now, you noticed how Jean mounted the horse differently than I demonstrated? This is perfectly. As the rider, you’re the one who needs to discover which technique works for both you and your horse. Jean, hold tight to the lead rope, I’m going to direct Freyja with the halter. Ok?”

“Um, well if you insist.”

“Since this is something you need to learn, I most definitely insist.” The group snickered, but stepped backwards, widening the circled, giving the instructor more than enough room to teach her student. Straddling the beast, I groaned, the unexpected trance of the horse throwing off my balance. Emalina’s words reverberated within my skull: _walk with the horse, not against, follow their movements._

Angling my hips to the right when Freyja’s flank tilted right, I repeated the process when she moved to the left. It took a few tries, but I was able to maneuver the stance until I was comfortable enough to straighten my back and gaze at the onlookers from the rest of the Cadets. I will say this though: the thought of riding these creatures doesn’t seem so bad now, though the burning and dull ache from my crotch was unexpected – and not appreciated in the slightest. 

Walking the horse at a steady pace, we made a complete circle, Emalina occasionally turning her head back to stare at me, but my gaze was elsewhere, wanting to ensure I wasn’t going to fall. But you know? This world really does suck sometimes.

We had just come to a halt, though content with my actions, my feet truly wanted to touch ground once more when Freyja’s ears abruptly tilted back. My cause for concern grew, her muscles tightening, hooves clashing against the ground. Backing up, Emalina turned, her hand still grasping the halter, confusion etched upon her face. Squealing, Freyja flattened her ears, nostrils flaring. 

“Freyja!” Running in front, Emalina held her hands high, attempting to calm the creature. I, on the other hand, stood stock still, legs clamped tightly against over the back, not wanting to fall, not wanting to be laughed at. But she wasn’t listening. Something had spooked the creature, and she wasn’t having it. Squealing again, Freyja threw her head back, rearing on her hind legs as she nearly clipped Emalina in the shoulder. My hands grasped tightly onto the rope, but my gut knew, it just fucking _knew_. Slamming against the ground, Freyja pushed off with all her might to rear on her legs again, this time, my momentum was against me as I flew off the horses back as she took off, everyone moving out of the way for her to escape!

Landing on the ground with a deep thus, the first noise released from my mouth was a groan as I lay still. Other than a sore shoulder, I was perfectly fine, but Ema’s voice caught my attention and I was forced back into reality. 

“Freyja!” Emalina yelled before whistling with her might; from my position on the ground, I could see the beast halt and freeze, not moving from its position. With hands softly grasping my shoulders, I was moved onto my back, the light of the sun waivered before disappearing as Emalina’s portrait peered over my eyesight. “Jean?! Oh my goodness, Jean! Are you alright?”

Nodding my head before I could answer, I gently pushed myself away from the ground, Emalina straightening as I touched my head. Other than a general pain across my body, I was perfectly fine. But the look my female friend gave me said it all. “Oh Jean, I am so sorry. I have no idea what frightened her! I – I tried to calm her down, but…!”

“Nah, part of your lesson, huh?” My natural smirk appeared as I snickered, thus resulting in her laughter wonderfully filling my ears. 

“No, not really. But as long as you’re safe and unharmed, I’ll allow it. But only this once.” Standing, she reached her hand down, requesting my own, and as I placed mine in hers, it was as if fireworks burst through my skin and down into each individual nerve. Sensational, astonishing, but most of all, incredible. Her heat burned deep into my bones, I craved more; that moment proved I needed to feel her touch. 

“Oh ho, Jean Kirschtein, wants so bad to be in the Interior but can’t even handle a horse.” A snicker rose across the crowd, and I turned so quickly my hair wisped across my eyes. But damn Jeager just couldn’t shut his ugly face. “You know, now that I think of it, your face looks exactly like a horse, Jean.” The crowd roared, and I could see my fellow Cadets around me falling over their knees laughing. Connie held his head, Sasha her stomach, hell, even Reiner held onto Bertholdt’s shoulder so he wouldn’t fall over. 

_Fucking Eren Jeager._

“What they hell did you just say to me?!” Running up to him, I grabbed the color of his uniform jacket, pulling his face close to mine. I wasn’t going to stand there and let this asshole walk all over me. What the hell was up his ass? This egotistical prick was pissing my off!

“Let go of my jacket!”

“Not until you take back what you said!”

“Fuck that, horse-face!”

“Damn, you suicidal maniac!”

_“ENOUGH!”_

Time froze, silence fell upon the crowd; it was intense and powerful all at the once. Both Eren and I stared at the other, unmoving, our fight halted with punch in midair. Contemplating what I should do, my hands dropped, releasing Eren’s jacket as I rotated, swiveling my heels against the dirt, searching my friend’s features for her emotions, wanting, needing to understand what she was sensing. Anger rolled off her skin in waves – and boy was she angry. 

“Enough of this shit!” she yelled, fists clenched tightly at her side. I had never heard Emalina speak in such a manner. To be honest, it was different. Her eyes were narrowed, cheeks flushed with anger. _Damn, that’s one adorable view._

“I can’t believe you!” Emalina looked all around, focusing on each Cadet, ensuring that her words were meant for each and every individual. “Why would you laugh? Jean could have been seriously hurt – this isn’t some joke!” Walking around, her sight ignoring mine, I watched her every move. She was tense, unbalanced, as if her raw, unbridled emotions were possessing her. 

But no one answered her question.

“You all take our trainings seriously, but this? This is just as important! I am so disappointed in all of you!”

“Emalina…” Armin stepped forward, hand extended in peace, in forgiveness. 

“Jean is perfectly fine, Emalina. No harm, no foul,” Eren stated, moving away from my shadow and into her light.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” Stepping towards the suicidal maniac, I watched from the side, interesting to see what she would say, or do. “Eren Jeager, for someone who wants to join the Scouts so desperately, I would think that you of all people would jump at the opportunity to partake in any training that could benefit you!”

“Don’t fight against this idiot on my behalf, Ema…”

“Jean that’s not the point! If they cannot even feel sympathy for you, how will they be able to do that for their comrades?! This knowledge will save him in the long run.” Turning towards the crowd, she yelled, “Without these skills, **_you will die!_** ”

“Emalina why do you care so much about our desire to take this training so seriously?” Eren questioned. But the male Cadet retracted several steps as Emalina turned towards him. Other individuals murmured to the person they were next too, and soon, the entire crowd was asking similar questions they had asked Shadis. 

“Why does this matter?”

“We’re not going into the Scouts like him!”

“You act as if you have first-hand experience, but you don’t. You act so high and mighty Emalina, but you’re just like us!” The murmuring continued, and I could tell this was going nowhere, and fast. 

“At least she has the audacity to fucking teach us! How many of you, as Cadets, are brave enough to step forward and do such a task?” The murmuring ceased and I was left in silence to speak; she stood up for me, and I would always stand up for her. “That’s what I thought.”

“No Jean,” her hand upon my arm ceased my statements. I wanted to roar at these people; how dare they speak to her in such a way?! Apparently, though, Emalina was prepared to defend herself all on her own. Though I was not prepared for the honesty she would give just to prove herself. Sucking in a deep breath, the female Cadet yelled with all her might, _“I AM FROM THE VILLGE OF UMA!”_

“Uma?”

“Isn’t that the village that trained horses for the Scouts?”

“I heard the village was slaughtered two years after the titans broke through the Wall.”

“Yes it was!” The people shut their mouths instantly, but this ‘discussions’ was pathetic and pissing me off. Stepping forward, I saw the difference in Emalina. She was distraught, forced into a corner just to simply explain herself in order to seem credible to her comrades. She was breaking, the point of no return. With one hand, I grasped her fist, desire to feel her skin etched across my nerves; her hand relaxed, fingers slipping through mine until they were locked. 

“My neighbors were slaughtered, friend eaten right in front of my eyes!” From my position, I could see Eren’s eyes locked directly onto hers, as if he was seeing Emalina in a different colored light. “I am the only survivor, but I survived because of my horse!” At the moment, Freyja burst through the crowd, several Cadets nearly falling on their asses as the creature pranced to its owner, nudging her face with her muzzle. Emalina touched her horse, the love she held was evident within her actions and her eyes, I could see the trust between the two. I had no doubt in my mind regarding her earlier statements, but the sight before me was more than enough evidence to know she was being honest.

“I’m the only survivor of my hometown! I survived because I knew how to ride, because I trusted my horse to guide me!”

“Emalina, I…” Eren started, but was taken aback when he noticed my glare, the anger rolling off of me who stood by her side. 

In a whisper so quiet I could barely register, she said, “Everyone’s dismissed.” Noticing the Cadets were still in their positions, she stated, in an authoritative voice, “Everyone is dismissed, that’s an order!”

The Cadets had no idea what to do, but one by one, they each left, some stayed behind wanting to speak with Emalina, others shook their heads and walked towards their barracks. Eren, Mikasa and Armin stood for several minutes, hoping she would speak to them, as they also witnessed the terror of the titans once Wall Maria had fallen. They wanted to hear her story, but I wasn’t letting them anywhere near her; eventually, they, too, turned and left. I watched as Marco wanted to stay, but I shook my head and he nodded, understanding without me having to explain. Turning her body until she faced me, I grasped her shoulders, allowing her a moment to collect her thoughts. I wanted to speak, but what was I supposed to say? No thought had crossed my mind that she had witnessed the terror of the outside world, that the smile she placed upon her lips every morning was a ruse to hide the memories. 

“Jean?”

Glancing down into her beautiful, fear filled eyes, I was dumbfounded to see several crystalized tears had formed, desperately wanting to fall upon her rosy cheeks. As one lost its balance and traveled down her skin, my thumb cupped her cheek and wiped the tear away. In her current state, this was the most vulnerable I had seen Emalina since we met. She was always strong, never revealing too much that wouldn’t give insight to her internal struggle. Hell, I don’t like to talk about my past, and now that I know what’s burned into her mind, why would she want to speak on the matter?

“Yes, Ema?”

“I…I’m so sorry for the way I acted. That was…oh my goodness I was so rude and, and…”

“Don’t, Ema. I’ll admit, I wasn’t too thrilled about this training, but if Shadis says I have to learn it, I have to learn it, right? Plus, I would be learning from you, now that’s pretty cool, if you ask me.”

Her weak chuckle was adorable as she swiped at her eyes. “How can you make me laugh every time I’m ready to cry?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Ema, you’ve never cried in front of my before.”

“No, I’ve never allowed you to see me cry, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been on the verge too.” Taking a deep breath, she added, “Jean, it’s true what I said. I’m the only survivor from my village. I barely escaped with my life, and Freyja’s as well.”

“I believe you, I’m not like the others who needed proof.”

Disbelief wove across her features before being replaced with content. “You know, I’d rather have you be the only one to believe me than our Comrades. Oh! Along with Marco and Sasha.”

“Sasha?” I chuckled, wondering how Potato Girl became mixed into this.

A smile finally formed upon her lips. “Oh yeah, after Sasha took me to the Medical Wing this morning, she asked to be my friend, and I accepted.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” closing the distance between us, I moved her hair out of the way to see the gauze taped to her temple, a small red dot was evident of additional bleeding, but everything seemed well. “How is your injury now?” 

Moving to touch her head, our fingers caressed each other, as I dropped mine to my side. “The damn thing’s tender, that’s for sure. I just need to keep an eye on it, but I’ll be ok.” Reaching over to brush Freyja’s neck, Emalina sighed. “Jean, why haven’t you asked me about being from Uma? Surely you heard what happened to my hometown.”

“Of course I did, especially since I’m from Trost.”

“I bet you’re wanting to know what happened.”

“What happened? To be honest, no, no I don’t. But do I want to know the pain you felt, hear everything you heard, see what you witnessed? That is what I want to hear. I want to understand you, Ema. You’re such a mystery, and I can’t figure you out.”

Releasing a heavy breath, Emalina froze in her position, face directed towards Freyja, but her words were meant for me. “Maybe it’s better that you _don’t_ figure me out.”

“And why is that?”

This time, when she turned back to face me, Ema allowed a single droplet of salt water to run down her cheek. Letting it be, she couldn’t look away from my eyes. Under her microscope, I felt tiny, insecure, as if she was testing me. Was she looking for trust? Something sturdy to prove she could answer my question? Whatever her reason, she moved forward and leaned into my chest, falling somewhat limp until my arms enveloped her waist, pulling her close. _Son of a bitch, why is this so comforting?_

“I feel so empty, Jean. Like I’m in a dark hole…and there’s no one to pull me out.”

Pulling back, I held Emalina at arm’s length. The female before me seemed so frail, so timid compared to the woman who was ready to beat the crap out of Eren Jeager. “Emalina, if you allow yourself to trust me, I’ll be there to pull you out.”

“But, I…” She pulled away, hand immediately reaching for Freyja’s lead rope; I knew she was searching for an escape, but the lingering in her movements demonstrated she wasn’t sure which path to take. “I’ll just drag you down with me.”

“Than drag me down, Ema!” My voice raised, but I didn’t’ care. Her body tensed and I regretted my actions, yes, but she needed to know where I stood. She was my friend, and I made a promise on our first day of training that I would remain by her side. There was a mystery to her, yes, and I wanted to know what it was. “At least you won’t be alone. Isn’t that what you’re afraid of the most?”

She couldn’t widen her eyes any further than she already had. “How did you…”

“Emalina, you may be a mystery, but there are still things about you I can read.”

“Damnit, Kirschtein, you’re persistent! Why bother with me? Why me?!”

“Why do I need a reason, Varlen? Why? What was so terrible that you cannot trust me?!”

“Because I don’t want you to die on me, Jean! Those who I’ve come into contact with have all been eaten by titans, and I can’t have that happen to _YOU!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed, let me know.
> 
> If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
> 
> If you wanna guess about what you think may happen in future chapters, hit me up, I’m kinda curious.
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	4. Liberation Begins with Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My apologies for any mistakes, I edited this really quickly. Please enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: Still don’t own anything besides Emalina.

_**Previously on Silence Has Been My Only Friend** _

_“But, I…” She pulled away, hand immediately reaching for Freyja’s lead rope; I knew she was searching for an escape, but the lingering in her movements demonstrated she wasn’t sure which path to take. “I’ll just drag you down with me.”_

_“Than drag me down, Ema!” My voice raised, but I didn’t’ care. Her body tensed and I regretted my actions, yes, but she needed to know where I stood. She was my friend, and I made a promise on our first day of training that I would remain by her side. There was a mystery to her, yes, and I wanted to know what it was. “At least you won’t be alone. Isn’t that what you’re afraid of the most?”_

_She couldn’t widen her eyes any further than she already had. “How did you…”_

_“Emalina, you may be a mystery, but there are still things about you I can read.”_

_“Damnit, Kirschtein, you’re persistent! Why bother with me? Why me?!”_

_“Why do I need a reason, Varlen? Why? What was so terrible that you cannot trust me?!”_

_“Because I don’t want you to die on me, Jean! Those who I’ve come into contact with have all been eaten by titans, I can’t have that happen to **YOU**!”_

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Emalina

Standing before me, Jean’s arms fell to his side, head tilted down, vision fixated on my expressions, noticing how more tears fell down my cheeks. I could see how he contemplated reaching forward to caress my skin, wiping each individual tear away, but something was holding the soldier back, something restricting his arms to stay in place. My head shook, more from wanting to erase our conversation from my memory, but knowing it was burned for eternity. Tightening my hand on the lead rope, my feet nudged, desperately seeking to flee this place, this current moment in time.

_All in all, I wasn’t going to change anytime soon; change be damned._

“Emalina…” Jean’s voice echoed within my ears, head tilted upwards to see his reaction from my statement. “I’m not going to die, hell, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You don’t know that,” I quickly snapped in return, vile anger filled my tone.

“And you do?” He returned just as swiftly.

 _You’re going to join the Military Police, aren’t you?_ I thought bitterly. “Yes, I do, Kirschtein. Everyone I know around me has died at the hands of the titans!”

“Everyone, Emalina?” My body was shaking with anger, but this vile taste in my mouth was towards me, not Jean. “Marco’s still here, Sasha’s still here. And…last I checked, I’m standing right in front of you.” His hands reached forward, but my feet moved backwards, gripping tightly against the rope. Shock crossed his features, as the male cadet crossed his arms, lips scowling. “I thought I was someone you could go to.”

But the words I didn’t want to say left before I could close my mouth. “But you’re the person I want to walk away from the most.” And before I could hear his reply, I turned, Freyja guided me, as my feet turned around, walking away from my stance, walking away from the one person who made me feel safe, who made me feel at ease. It was my undoing, walking away from the first friend I made as a soldier-in-training. Freyja’s hooves clanked against the ground as we walked; Jean’s voice echoed across the field as he called my name several times, but my feet nor my head turned in his direction. 

Whether they have passed or still live, the agony that encompasses the torment becomes one and the same when you walk away from someone you deeply care for.

There were stares and heads turned as other comrades gazed at the situation, some watched Jean, some watched me, but for any who were near my path, stepped out of the way. Caution was written across their faces as they noticed my change in expression. Just with Jean, no one had seen me cry – the fact that I could shed tears surprised people the most, I think. Regardless, people left me alone, unsure how to approach the “new” person they saw; and thinking upon that matter made me realize that it was all my doing. It wasn’t that people left me.

I was wallowing in my self-pity, allowing myself to be forgotten.

Nudging my shoulder, Freyja jabbed her snout into my skin until we halted in our tracks and I turned towards her. At this point, we were behind the barracks for the male and female dorms, to which I hadn’t realized where I’d been walking this entire time. Releasing the tainted air from my lungs, I breathed in, a fresh flow of tears prickling the corners of my eyes. Kissing her muzzle, I gently petted Freyja’s nose while using the back of my hand to wipe the mess away from my face. 

“Well, look what we have here.”

Standing straight, I turned around to see three female cadets standing between me and the alley between the dorm barracks. Tilting my head, I attempted in remembering their names, but nothing came to mind. Since I was usually around Marco and Jean, I didn’t really know the names of other cadets unless I was around them on a daily basis. “Hey,” I said softly, still wiping my eyes. “Did you three need something?” Though not in the mood, I attempted to make civilized conversation, not wanting to seem rude. 

The middle female spoke first. “Not really, we’re just wondering how a bitch like you has Shadis wrapped around his finger.”

 _What the hell did she just…?_ “E-Excuse me…? What’re you talking about?”

“Emalina Varlen, the cadet who Commander Shadis always calls on for a demonstration,” she answered, a sneer appearing on her face as she stepped forward. 

“Yeah! He’s always using you to show us how to do things right!” Another girl stated, hiding her mouth as she laughed. 

“I bet you sleep with Shadis, that’s why you get all the attention!” The third girl finally spoke, as the other two broke into laughter, walking closer as I stood my ground. _What they hell did I do to these girls? They don’t know me or how I know Shadis. They don’t know how I assisted with the 103rd Cadet Corps Training._

“You do look like Shadis’ whore, you bitch.”

“Now wait just a minute – hey!” I tried to defend myself, but the middle cadet grabbed my shoulders, shoving me to the ground; I landed on my side, hands holding the gauze on my temple, ensuring that nothing would cause more damage to the covered wound.

“Must be nice getting all the attention. Trying to make sure you graduate in the Top Ten?”

“Getting into the Top Ten doesn’t matter to me. What _does_ matter is that I earn my rightful place as a solider, by working hard, doing extra trainings. Besides,” I scoffed, forgoing being civilized. “Why the fuck do you care? What the hell have I ever done to you?”

“You’re pissing me off, that’s what! You’re getting special treatment despite us working our asses off!”

“Yeah!” Her friends chimed in.

Growling in anger, my hand pushed against the dirt as I went to stand, but the same cadet who pushed me down kicked my hand away and I fell once more, losing my balance. Dirt smeared upon my face, my fingernails scratched the earth, not understanding the circumstance. Despite these females calling me names for no apparent reason, I didn’t want to say anything rude in reply. But just because I didn’t want to, doesn’t mean I didn’t. “At least I put in the effort.” The words had left my lips and there was no going back. “If you stopped half-assing your shit, you might become a decent soldier, subpar, at best.”

“Why you little bitch – !”

_**“Hey! What’s going on back there?!”** _

Running, the three cadets fled behind the male barracks as Reiner suddenly came into my vision, his large frame running past as he attempted in confronting the girls. I found myself once more pushing myself off the ground when another individual knelt by my side, hand extended to grasp mine; Bertholdt’s face was what I noticed, a small lift of his lips had me confused.

“Are you alright?” He asked gently.

Nodding, my fingers grasped his as he assisted me to my feet, Freyja sniffing me the entire time. Patting her neck, I dusted my clothing, disbelief coursed my mind, not really understandinng what just happened. Reiner came into view, eyes narrowed with a scowl upon his face. Arms crossed, the bulky cadet didn’t seem happy. “Their sneaky,” he said. “Couldn’t find ‘em after we turned the corner. You alright?” Nodding in my direction, I couldn’t say anything, still not sure how to assess the current situation. When I didn’t answer, he questioned, “What happened? What did they do to you?”

“Um, well…” I rubbed my eyes, the waterworks forming in the corner. Emotions on high and my thoughts overthinking every detail throughout the day, my body was overwrought, and honestly? I was due for a good cry. As simple as I could, I answered with, “Just said some mean things to me, that’s all.”

“Did they push you to the ground?” I didn’t answer, but when the silence stretched too long, Reiner assumed correctly. “Those bullies,” he whispered venomously. 

“They didn’t do anything else, did they?” Glancing at Bertholdt, his words caused me to smile, but only just a little. Over the last months since we began our training, I’d had my conversations with almost everyone of my fellow comrades – Bertholdt was one of the few who I rarely exchanged words with. 

“Just some mean words…”

“What did they say to you?” Again, I didn’t say anything; Jean and Marco were really the only people I could speak freely too. 

Well, freely as much as I allowed myself, I guess. 

“It doesn’t matter Reiner…”

“Yes it does, Emalina. Though we’re in training, we’re all soldiers, all comrades. We shouldn’t be saying rude comments to each other.” From the corner of my eye, I could see Bertholdt giving Reiner a weird expression, but I brushed it off. Probably surprised by his friend’s words, I suppose. 

I sighed. “I don’t want what they said getting out to the others, ok?”

Seeing as I wasn’t going to budge, Bertholdt stepped in, speaking for both him and his friend. “We’ll let it go, Emalina. Just glad you don’t have to go back to the Medical Wing.” He pointed to my head as I touched the gauze. 

“Emalina? Emalina!” Turning my gaze, I saw Marco jogging his way towards me, face slightly flushed as he stopped. “There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!” Seeing Reiner and Bertholdt were accompanying me, and the redness of my cheeks, Marco grew worried as he quickly asked, “Hey, everything ok? What’s going on?”

“Seems Emalina here’s been harassed by other cadets,” Reiner stepped in, answering for me. 

“What?!”

Reiner wanted to explain the situation but I moved towards Marco. “No, Reiner, please don’t say anything. I’ll catch you guys later.” Walking away, Freyja followed on my heels, but I stopped and turned. “Reiner? Bertholdt?” They raised their heads. “Thanks, I…I really appreciate the help.”

“Anytime, Emalina!” Reiner replied, as his black-haired friend nodded. 

With Marco on my heels, I walked far enough until we were close enough to the Mess Hall, finally seeing what the time was. Stopping to my side, Marco patted my horse. “Marco? Please tell me dinner isn’t already over.”

“That’s why I came to find you. You weren’t in the Mess Hall and I asked Jean. That’s when he told me what happened between the two of you and how you suddenly just left. You’ve been wandering for some time.”

“Oh shit…” I muttered as I held my head in my hands, and as if on cue, my stomach rumbled, gurgling to indicate that I better provide it food within a timely manner.

“Emalina, do you trust me?” Turning to Marco, I could see how much he wanted me to answer positively to his question.

“You haven’t given me a reason not to trust you, Marco.”

“True, but do you trust me as much as you trust Jean?”

“Yes,” was my automatic reply. True, I felt closer to Jean, but the closeness was… _Goodness I can’t even describe what it is _, I thought. From the moment I met Jean Kirschtein, my trust was immediate, though it too/k some time to accept that fact. With Marco Bodt, his friendliness and sincere nature dawned a realization upon myself that to trust him would be full of merit.__

__Overly happy with my answer, Marco’s freckles danced as he smiled and gently grabbed my hand. “Thank you, Emalina. Now please, use that trust and follow me, there’s something I want to show you.”_ _

__“Ok,” was all I answered, as the freckled boy tugged my hand away from the barracks and away from our training grounds. Though my stomach was more interested in me finding some food, I was more curious with Marco. What was it he wanted to show me? Why did he ask if I trusted him?_ _

__Stopping by the training stable, I placed Freyja in her assigned stall, giving her water and plenty of feed before leaving. Following Marco, I was surprised to see he leading us away from the training grounds and into the woods. With it being early Fall, the sun was setting earlier and earlier each night; darkness would soon fall upon us as the last stretch of light was almost consumed by the surrounding mountains. I thought it weird that I was being led away from our barracks, seeing as how our curfew was strict and we had to be within our dorms not long after dinner was through. A few minutes passed as silence overcame our senses, but my freckled friend wasn’t one to simply let situations go, as mine did earlier._ _

__“Emalina, do you mind if I ask you something?” I stated he could, whereas Marco stopped in his tracks, hand held against a tree trunk as he in my direction. “Jean wouldn’t really explain what happened this afternoon after you dismissed us. Can I ask what happened?”_ _

___“Damnit, Kirschtein, you’re persistent! Why bother with me? Why me?!”_ _ _

___“Why do I need a reason, Varlen? Why? What was so terrible that you cannot trust me?!”_ _ _

___“Because I don’t want you to die on me, Jean! Those who I’ve come into contact with have all been eaten by titans, I can’t have that happen to **YOU**!”_ _ _

__The words we spilled flooded my ears, I couldn’t modify what we shared. Marco was only concerned, but I knew that he knew I shared more with Jean. To be honest, I think he was hurt by that, but never said anything. Change be damned, I thought, remembering my grim attitude from earlier. Gritting my teeth, I knew that wasn’t true. I wanted to change, I wanted to be the person I was several years ago. _No… **NOT** changing be damned,_ I finally decided._ _

__“I…we…” Hitting my back against a tree, I slid down the trunk, arms wrapped around my knees. I sighed for the millionth time, staring up at my close friend. _Yes, he **is** my close friend; then I better start treating him as one._ “Jean and I got into an argument.” Marco sat beside me as I provided him the recap of my conversation with Jean, going over everything we said to each other when I dismissed the rest of cadets after the training. “I don’t understand why he’s so persistent, why he bothers with me at all,” I exclaimed. “And before I walked away, I told Jean he’s the reason I wanted to walk away, and so I did.”_ _

__“But, what was said that caused you to leave? Emalina, I’m missing something.”_ _

__“I told him…I said that Jean shouldn’t get close to me, as everyone I knew…” Leaning my hand against my forehead, I finished my statement. “Because everyone I get close to ends up getting eaten by a titan, and I didn’t want that to happen to him.”_ _

__“But, Emalina, we’re still here.”_ _

__“That was Jean’s response too. But it’ll happen…it’s happened in the past.” Whispering the last part, I tightly closed my eyes, chest beginning to heave in and out, focusing on calmly breathing. “Damn!” I harshly muttered, fist slamming into the grass beneath my side. “I promised myself I would change. Why the…why the fuck can’t I?!”_ _

__“Emalina…” Marco whispered, hand ghosting over to my fist still on the ground, softly laying his fingers over mine. “You can’t grow unless you want to. Since we first started our training, I’ve noticed the difference, seen the small changes you’ve attempted. You’re talking more, you instigate conversations with Jean and myself before we do. You’re smiling more than when I met you that first night.”_ _

__Go figure that his statement about me smiling more caused me to smile. Being by Marco’s side, my male friend produced a calmly nature where it was as if the fog clouded was eyes dispersed and I was able to see more clearly. I could see myself from an outside perspective, allowing me to assess and contemplate what I was thinking, what I wanted to feel compared to what I was feeling. Relaxing my fingers in his grasp, I molded our hands into one and leaned against his shoulder. As an only child, I always wanted a younger sibling; with Marco by my side, I felt I finally had what I always wanted. Older or younger, Marco was my brother, and I loved him as such._ _

__“Marco…” I whispered. “I’ve been trying…I hope you know that I have…”_ _

__“I know you are, I can see it, Emalina. But you have to want it. What is it that you’re wanting from changing yourself?”_ _

__Raising my head, we looked at each other before I finally answered, having known this since these two became my closest friends. “I want to stay by you and Jean. But…I don’t want to lose either of you…”_ _

__“How I see it, you’ll lose us regardless, one of these days. So, would you rather lose us by being by your side? Or pushing us away?” Eye widening upon his words, the deep thud within my chest increased its tempo, beating against my ribs, mouth falling in astonishment. The awareness of his words suddenly dawned upon my entire being._ _

__Was it really that simple? How had I made this so complicated, yet Marco analyzed everything so straightforwardly? He was right though; regardless of what happens, Jean and Marco will eventually leave my side, whether by death or some other factor. So, by Marco’s statement, it was time to enjoy what I have now, and forgo isolating myself in fear of being alone, being abandoned. One single tear fell from my cheek, but I didn’t cleanse the salt water from my skin. Letting it fall upon my uniform, I flung myself at Marco, eyes curiously watching my reaction to his words._ _

__“Thank you Marco, thank you.” Releasing my arms, I immediately stood to my feet, shocking even myself at the vigor in my newly acquired mindset. Extending my hand, I reached for Marco’s, pulling him to his full height. Repeating my earlier statement, I proclaimed, “I want to be with you and Jean.”_ _

__Nodding at my statement, Marco took a step forward as he said, “Then follow me.”_ _

__And so, we continued through the winds, our little “detour” only cost us about ten minutes. Twigs and small branches crunched under our thick boots as we moved, but luckily, it wasn’t that far of a walk, the setting sun casting and orange-yellow glow upon the leaves, and ourselves. But just as when we entered the forest, we finally entered a clearing within the woods, and I realized Marco led me to the lake, its sparkling blue water cascaded across the small, sandy shore. Stepping into the clearing I gazed the beautiful location, having never been here before. As I stared in awe, I noticed the ground raised as the land rounded around the lakes shape, gradually lifting into a rocky outcrop, allowing an individual to dangle their legs if wanting to soak their feet in the coolness of the water._ _

__But my mind halted in its viewing as I saw Jean stand from his sitting position, eyes cast upon me, a small bundle sat aside by his feet. Walking in our direction, I met Jean halfway, as he opened his mouth to speak. “Emalina, I’m sorry…” But my arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him to myself, my cheek peacefully listening to the steady rhythmic beat of his beautiful heart. It took the boy a second before he returned the gesture, placing his chin upon the top of my head._ _

__“No Jean, _I’m sorry_. You’ve done nothing but stay by my side as you promised since day one.” Pulling back, I giggled at the exasperated look he wore, mouth slightly gaping as he attempted in closing his lips, but each time, they feel open once more. “Jean, I want to stay with you and Marco. If you…” Inhaling a shaky breath, I smiled. This wasn’t just any smile, but as I looked up towards Jean, as the man was taller than me, the lifting of my lips was the first time I truly displayed my pure happiness. “If you do leave, I want to enjoy the time we have now.” Grinning devilishly, Jean circled his arms around my waist and twirled me around, my sudden laughter echoing across vastness of our limited freedom. _ _

__I had never felt so free than I did being held within his arms._ _

__Placing me on my feet, I barely had time to register before I was pulled towards his chest once more. “It’s about damn time! Marco, get your ass over here!” Shaking his head at Jean’s language, Marco walked over and was consumed in our group hug, their laughter joining mine, my cheeks flushing with cheerfulness and an overall satisfying contentment._ _

__That is, until the gnawing roar of hunger gurgled through the lining of my stomach._ _

__I stepped backwards in embarrassment, but my boys weren’t fazed. Walking to his previous position, Jean reached down and grabbed the bundle, handing it to me, along with a tankard of water. Unwrapping the cloth to reveal a bento box, I was surprised to find bread and cheese, along with some crackers. “Did you guys plan this?” I asked, peering between both of them, their faces smiling at one another._ _

__“When you didn’t show up for dinner, Shadis paid us a surprise visit. You weren’t there and he questioned both of us where you were. You…didn’t tell Jean anything as you left, so that’s when I went to go find you.”_ _

__Jean nodded, crossing his arms. “After Marco left, Shadis told me to grab food from the cooks and save it for you, and that we needed to make sure you had dinner. Before leaving, Marco told me to meet him here, saying he’d bring you. And, well, ta-da?”_ _

__I couldn’t help but smile at their thoughtfulness. Sitting on the small overhang, I patted the space next to me, Jean and Marco knowing I wanted them to sit while I was finally able to eat my dinner. Teeth digging into the chunk of bread, silence fell upon the three of us, but it was comfortable as we stared into the setting sun over the lake. The night was gradually sneaking upon us, knowing we wouldn’t have much light left before darkness claimed its rightful place._ _

__“Um, Emalina? I need to ask you something.”_ _

__“Yes, Marco?” I bit into some cheese, groaning as my stomach consumed and fulfilled its hunger status._ _

__Pulling both legs against his chest, my freckled friend was apprehensive for he knew that I knew what he was about to ask. “Please…tell us what happened behind the dorms. Why were those girls pushing you around?”_ _

__Swallowing the chunk in my mouth, I gulped some water and swiveled it around before consuming. As he rotated his body, Jean raised an eyebrow, not sure would he should be looking at for answers: Marco or myself. “What on are earth are you talking about, Marco?”_ _

__“When I finally found her, she was behind the dorms, talking to Reiner and Bertholdt. They claimed she was being harassed by some of the female cadets and – Jean!”_ _

__Grasping my arm harder than he probably intended to, Jena turned my torso in his direction, eyes narrowed in anger. Marco was concerned, I get that, but I couldn’t tell what Jean was feeling. Concerned as well? I could definitely see he was angry, yes, but there was something else. Something unnerving, perhaps. “Emalina. What does Marco mean. Who was harassing in you?”_ _

__Glancing down at the grip still on my arm, Jean let go, but still narrowed his eyes. “I’ll tell you,” I admitted. “But please don’t go making a big deal about this, alright? Don’t confront them, don’t say anything.”_ _

__“And why shouldn’t we? Ema, if they hurt you, then I…”_ _

__“No, Jean. There’s a difference if you step up to them than when you catch them in the act. You’re just stooping to their level if you confront them and call them out. I don’t want the other cadets to hear what they called me…” My fingers clenched the bento box tightly, their words rang in my ears. I knew why they called me what they did, but still – doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt._ _

__“After I…well, walked away from you, I wandered around, not knowing how long it had been. I found myself, as Marco stated, behind the dorms and was confronted by three females. They started calling me _bitch_ and…” Allowing myself to chew more bites of my food, I swallowed some water before continuing. “Basically, they’re pissed, thinking I’m getting special treatment from Shadis. One even said that I’m his whore…”_ _

__Beside me, Marco shook his head as he sighed, on the other, Jean growled, teeth barred, imaging the scenario within his mind. “Something tells me this won’t be the end.”_ _

__With a mouth full of bread, I nodded. “I don’t think it will be, no. This was the first time any of them said a word to me and they pushed me to the ground.”_ _

__Instantly grasping my chin, Jean pulled my face towards his, tilting my head to gaze at the gauze on my temple. Ever so gently, he traced around the gauze, as he had already done so several times already throughout the day. “I’m just glad they didn’t hurt you earlier.”_ _

__“Same here. I can’t believe what they did.” Marco chimed. “I swear, what’s wrong with people? They’re assuming the worst. They don’t know the relationship you have with Shadis!”_ _

__Leaning backwards, Jean peered at his friend behind me. “True. But neither do we, Marco. But we don’t treat her like dirt.” _There’s something about his bluntness that I love,_ I told myself. As it was true. In the time that I’d known him, Jean was never one to mince words, never afraid to be himself or tell people “how it is”. _ _

__“Shadis knew my parents.” Whipping their faces in my direction, I stared forward, gazing at the almost darkened night. It was too deep a scar to speak of my past, but what I stated to both Jean and Marco, that I wanted to stay by their side, I needed to keep my promise to them, but more importantly, I needed to keep my promise to myself. Change doesn’t come easy, and it isn’t easy to continue on sometimes. But here was an opportune moment to prove I was in this, that I wanted to keep these men by my side for as long as I possibly could._ _

__“I grew up in Uma. We were one of the larger villages between Wall Maria and Wall Rose as we bred and trained all the horses used for each regiment, specifically, the Scouts.” Turning my gaze, I shook my head and smiled when both boys scooted close together until they were side-by-side, watching my every move, listening intently to each of my words. “I occasionally met Shadis when he stopped by to purchase some of our horses, but the last time I saw him…oh man.” Scratching my head, I tried to remember. “It was probably a little over a year before the titans broke through Wall Maria.”_ _

__“So what happened? After the titans broke through?”_ _

__Jamming an elbow into Jean’s side, Marco harshly cried, “Jean!”_ _

__“No, no, Marco, it’s ok” I waved my hand in front of me, signaling his question was perfectly fine. Closing the bento box, I placed both the box and water canteen to the side, turning my body towards them as I crossed my legs. “Um, well…once the titans broke through Wall Maria, chaos was released, this we know. Hell, we fucking lost twenty percent of our population over the course of what, two, three months after?” They nodded in understanding, as this was probed into our heads during the first week of cadet training._ _

__“Living in Uma was the absolute best. We lived close by to a forest, a small river ran through the village, but the best part? Each and every day I was surrounded by horses.” Looking down at my hands, I found it was fairly easy to discuss my hometown. The memories crashed upon me, as I could my village before it was horrendously consumed and lost to the world. “I grew up with the beautiful creatures, as my father was the head breeder of Uma, as were his fathers before him. He taught me everything I knew.”_ _

__“My mother learned from him, but she mainly stayed home to take care of the house, and then me. My childhood was peaceful, tranquil. Perfect, I would even say. We didn’t really have any sickness and everyone was acquainted with each other that we were all civil and friendly.” I clenched my fists, closing and reopening my eyes several times; each time, I noticed my vision grew blurrier. “It was just another normal day. I was ten and had just started my chores for the day: feed and water the horses, assist my father with training the older colts, get in some practice of my own…”_ _

__“But then we heard it…The silence that fell over the village was deafening, as stillness was very unusual. The beat of the earth sounded like drums, it was slow at first, occurring every so often. But it increased, and off in the distance we could see hordes of birds flee their homes, and it was then we knew something was off.”_ _

__“My father and I headed home, but then he left to go see if my grandparents were safe. As he left, my mother and I were outside when the silence was suddenly broken, the beat of the drums was maddening, and rushed through our ears as the earth rattled. It was then the first wave of screams erupted across the village. Male, female, child it did not matter.”_ _

__It was finally there – the tears desperate to fall. One by one they established trail one each cheek as I refused to wipe them away._ _

__“From our house, we could peer towards the south of the village. And that’s when we saw them. Massive, flesh eating titans, seeking us humans to eat. We were frozen in our spots as we saw our neighbors and family consumed, eaten one after the other. I remember…my mother grabbing my hand, pulling me into the house. Food, clothing, anything she felt I needed, she threw it in a pack, pulling me outside. Screaming over the terror of the afternoon, she told me to run, that I needed to escape with my life, but…I-I d-didn’t want to!”_ _

__Choking on my words, I took several moments, trying to compose my exterior. Chest racking with sobs, I clamped a hand over my mouth but the tears wouldn’t stop. I’d opened a door I forbade myself to ever open again. But sitting within the deep darkness of the room, I was forever done being lonely and scared. I thrust open the door, blinded by the comforting glow of light on the other side as two hands appeared before me. Grasping each hand, I would not back down, I would never back down. My memories made me who I am; it was time to revisit the horror, the slaughter of those that I loved._ _

__“M-My father was running back as my mother placed me onto Freyja. He was shouting over the fear that was killing my village, yelling at my mother to keep me safe; but h-he…my father was crushed to death before being eaten… I was never given the chance to say anything else to my father; and then my mother slapped my horse, forcing her to flee…and flee I did. As we ran, I turned to my mother just as…s-s-she.” I couldn’t catch my breath, it was being caught within my throat, the sobs choking my ability to speak._ _

__“Emalina please…” Marco leaned forward, placing a hand upon my knee. “Please don’t force yourself…”_ _

__Opening my eyes with the remaining willpower within my soul, I looked forward at my friends. “I-I watched as my m-mother was devoured by two different titans…I was showered in her b-blood as I ran away.” My voice turned into a whisper. “I was such a c-coward. I didn’t even try to save her, I was s-so afraid…”_ _

__Quickly moving from his spot, Jean kneeled and pulled me to his chest, arms rubbing up and down my back. I let the floodgates commence, as the waterworks erupted, soaking through his uniform jacket. Opening my eyes, I withdrew almost as quickly as Jean pulled me towards him. Using my sleeve, I shed my tears and, unfortunately, cleaned my draining nose. My cheeks burned, I knew my eyes would be swollen the next day; but the door was now open, and light flooded my senses._ _

__And by god, it was liberating._ _

__~ oOo ~_ _

__Point of View  
Jean_ _

__Seeing the poor female trembling before my eyes was absolutely terrifying. I was not expecting for her to go into detail of her past, nor allow us the insight into…well, everything she had experienced. Sitting there, watching her cry, watching her limbs shake as she relived her memories was torturous; but my feelings were inconsequential compared to those currently rampaging my friend. Nothing over the last several months could have prepared me for the truth she unraveled. Grief had consumed her, and I could tell Emalina was still shattered, as agony and torment engulfed her senses._ _

__We couldn’t do anything as we sat there, Marco and me. We listened, nodding our heads as we encouraged her to continue; Marco was the same, but I didn’t want her to relate her youth if it became too much. Emalina refused to halter her speech, pushing herself to the edge, drifting between holding onto her grasp and letting go, falling into the pit of darkness. But she wasn’t alone, and with her providing her promise, I needed to prove mine._ _

__Moving from where I sat, I kneeled directly in front of Emalina and pulled the sobbing female into my arms. She remained still, but Emalina leaned her head into the crook of my neck and I could feel my jacket growing wet as her tears soaked through. I didn’t care. Let her cry, let her release the bent-up fear coiled deep within. Whether she had allowed herself to grieve, I would never know, but the pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away. Whether they pass on or leave you for good, you can never accept their disappearance._ _

___I would know that better than anyone,_ I thought bitterly. Shaking my head, I noticed my friend had pulled away, using her sleeve to wipe away the mess upon her face. The puffiness of her eyes, redness in the cheeks. I couldn’t look away, it was a sight to behold, one I had never seen before. _So beautiful…__ _

__Marco pulled up beside me, pulling a spare cloth from his pocket this time, handing it to her. “Emalina, here. You’re going to ruin your jacket.”_ _

__Taking the white linen from his hand, she looked down upon it. “I can’t take one from you too…”_ _

__“Consider it a gift, then. In case you need another cry and we’re not there, use these to help.”_ _

__And use it she did, as I watched. Clearing her face of any remaining tears, she held the used cloth close to her chest as she switched between gazing at Marco and myself. “You two…have been absolutely wonderful. Thank you…thank you so much…” she whispered._ _

__“That’s why we’re here, Emalina,” Marco said, his smiling reaching to the top of his freckles._ _

__Standing, I reached my hand out, noticing the sun had just passed the horizon line and we had maybe twenty minutes of light before total darkness would arrive. Taking my hand, I pulled Emalina to her feet and grabbed the box and tankard before saying, “You’ve had a very long day. Let’s get back so you can sleep. You need your rest, alright?”_ _

__Nodding in agreement, the three of us trekked back to the barracks, avoiding any veteran soldiers as we were pass curfew and didn’t seek the punishment for being out when we shouldn’t be. Emalina had remained quiet the entire way back, though she smiled and walked between me and Marco. With the barracks in sight, the male dorms wasn’t that far away from the females, but we escorted Emalina to hers first, standing outside for a few moments before we wished her a goodnight. Marco turned and began walking to our dorm, but I stayed and watched as Emalina opened the door to walk back inside; she turned once more and smiled in my direction before leaving my vision._ _

__I don’t know what the hell it was, but her smile was fucking contagious as I found my lips curling upwards._ _

__Following my male friend, we headed towards our dorms, and just as we were about to open the door, we stopped in our tracks, back stiff and rigid. “Kirschtein, Bodt!” Turning, Shadis was behind us walking in our direction. Saluting our commander, we were surprised as he waved his hand, dissolving our standard military greeting. “Hands down, cadets. I’m assuming that fact that you boys are past curfew is that you were with Cadet Varlen. Is my assumption correct, gentlemen?”_ _

__I nodded my head, but Marco spoke before I could open my mouth. “Yes sir, we apologize. Emalina needed some time to talk and we gave her that.”_ _

__“Whatever punishment there is for us breaking curfew, let us have it. Don’t give it to Emalina. She’s had a…rough day, sir.”_ _

__Straightening his back, it was intimidating the way our Commander eyed us and evaluated our statements in his head. “Yes, I have heard. Seeing as how I’m the one who told you to locate Cadet Varlen and ensure that she had dinner, I will allow, this _one time only_ , for curfew to be broken. _But,_ ” stepping forward, Shadis leaned forward. Uneasiness filled my gut as our Commander whispered deathly, “If I find that either one of you have broken curfew after tonight, I will not hesitate to punish you two thoroughly. Have a good evening, gentlemen.” And just as quickly as he appeared, Shadis walked off towards his quarters, leaving Marco and I gasping for breath, not knowing we had held it within as he spoke. _ _

__“Shit that was close,” I muttered, opening the door to our dorm._ _

__“Good lord that was scary,” Marco stated in agreement. “And I thought he was scary during training.”_ _

__As we walked across the dorm to our bunks, there were stares from the other male cadets as they noticed our arrival. Some asked where we had been and some asked if we were caught breaking curfew. Marco wanted to answer their questions, but I shook my head and continued walking. They didn’t need to know what where we had been, that stayed between Marco, myself and Emalina. As we reached our bunks, Eren and Armin’s bed sat across from ours and I could feel Jaeger’s eyes on me as I stripped from my uniform and into something comfortable. It _had_ been a long day and my shoulder was still tender from falling off Freyja, but I shook off the pain. As my shirt fell over my shoulders, I looked up to see Armin making his way towards me. Eyebrow raised, I waited and listened._ _

__“Hey, Jean…Listen, about this afternoon? I wanted to say I’m sorry about laughing when you fell off the horse. It may not seem like it, but I am.”_ _

__I knew Armin meant well, and the kid didn’t speak unless he truly meant his words. Looking back, I could see how the image could be amusing, but when it happens to you, there’s no fucking way it’s funny. Among the cadets who were at the training, I’d assumed that there were a few who were definitely laughing at the fact that I was the one to be thrown off a horse; I would guess that others thought the situation itself was entertaining. “Nah, don’t worry Armin, it’s alright.”_ _

__“But it’s not,” he argued back. “Emalina was right, you could have been seriously hurt, regardless of the fact that you _weren’t_ doesn’t matter.”_ _

__I sighed. “Alright, I accept your apology. But this is on _Ema’s_ behalf, alright?”_ _

__“Sounds good to me, thanks Jean.”_ _

__Shaking me head, Marco climbed to the top of his bed, as two bunks were pushed together. As I grasped the wooden ladder, I noticed Reiner and Bertholdt by their bunks at the end of the bed; letting go, I walked over to them, their attention instantly on me. “Hey Reiner, Bertholdt.”_ _

__“Hey Jean. So, uh, I heard Armin apologized about earlier.”_ _

__“Yeah he did. What, you gonna say you’re sorry too?”_ _

__“Nope not really.” I groaned, crossing my arms. But Reiner laughed as he swatted my arm. _Damn this hulk’s got muscles on him,_ I thought. “Look, I’m sorry but not, ya know? It was pretty funny watching you be thrown off Emalina’s horse like that.” To his side, I could see Bertholdt swivel his head, lips shut tight as he was tempted to not chuckle in remembrance. _ _

__“Tch whatever,” I grumbled. “Listen, I came over here to say thank you for helping Emalina earlier this evening.” Both Reiner and Bertholdt stared at each other before bursting into an uncontrollable laughter. My teeth gritted, cheeks burning in slight anger._ _

__But the bulky male noticed my reaction, his laughing calming down. “Wait, you’re serious…?”_ _

__“Yes, dammit!”_ _

__“Ok, ok calm down. Look, there’s no need for thanks. Emalina’s your friend, but she’s also our comrade. Plus, I could see what they did to her, I couldn’t _not_ do anything, right?” Reiner turned towards his friend for reassurance. _ _

__Bertholdt nodded. “She seemed upset but didn’t show it. I hoped she talked to you about it.”_ _

__“Yeah, she did. Look, I know we’re not ‘bubby-buddy,’ but if you see those girls messing with her again can you let me and Marco know?” They nodded in unison and I couldn’t help but feel relieved, knowing there were two more people to keep an eye on Emalina. Not that she needed it, of course, but something in my gut was telling me those girls weren’t going to leave her alone. “Thanks, you two,” I said one last time before turning and walking towards my bunk. As I climbed the ladder and sat upon the flimsy mattress, I could see Jaeger watch me from his bunk, but I diverted my gaze and looked over at Marco._ _

__“Look at you; making friends and telling them _thank you_. You’re so nice, Jean,” my freckled friend chuckled as he rolled onto his side, away from my reddening face. I swatted his shoulder before rolling onto my side, my foot kicking his in sweet annoyance and brotherly love. _ _

__“Fuck you, Marco!”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you liked. Hell, let me know something. I’d love you forever!
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	5. My Future Does Not End Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So we have an extremely long chapter, one that is over 13,000 words! I considered splitting this into two separate chapters, but I wanted these specific events to occur together. So, tada! A freakishly long chapter to read and enjoy. 
> 
> If there are any mistakes, please forgive me. My husband and I have been in and out of the vet for the past few days for my puppy (I mean, she’s almost ten years old, but in my eyes, she’s still a puppy). She has been on my mind so it’s been difficult to focus, but I did what I could. If there is something that’s really bad, please let me know and I will correct that error.
> 
> Thank you!
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me. I own Emalina and any other OC’s.

Point of View  
Emalina

“Alright you maggots! As you are all aware, the last several days we’ve been testing you on the knowledge you have learned throughout the past year. Today will be the final day for the end of year exams, focusing on your ODM gear. Last night you were placed into groups of three; form your groups and stand next to your assigned post!”

Smiling at my side, I was already in my group, which, luckily, consisted of my best friends Jean and Marco; Sasha and I were upset that we weren’t together as well, but told each other we would celebrate once the exam was over. We all nodded in each other’s direction as we headed towards the edge of the forest and located our starting point, as it was indicated with the number six. We stood idly by and spoke about the exam we were about to partake in. Glancing down at the ODM gear placed upon my hips, I lightly tapped the gas tanks with my knuckles to ensure they were attached correctly and filled to the brim. Content with the tightness of my straps, I crossed my arms and watched my male friends converse as we waited for our Commander’s orders. 

Over the last few days, Shadis and the other officials committed to training the new cadets had tested all of the individuals on numerous topics, such as our combat skills, critical thinking, the assemble and disassemble of our equipment. Finally, today would be the last exam on our ODM gear, as our skills were being assessed individually and within a group. The purpose was to use the skills we had learned to evade the titans, but to reach our destination safely as a team.

I remember Shadis explaining this particular exam to me when I assisted with the previous Cadet Corps. The test we were about to undertake wasn’t focused on using our skills to kill the titans – or, titan dummies that is – as that would come at a later time during our training, but to work together to arrive safely. We were to prove our intuition, our leadership, but most importantly, the choices we made when encountering anything when we were on our own.

We would learn to kill the titans, but first we had to learn to survive. 

Smiling up at my friends, as both were taller than me, I asked, “You two ready? Once this is over Shadis said he’s giving us a break from training!”

“That’s what I’m talking about. I can’t wait to sleep in!” Jean stated, eyes lit, hoping this exam would be over before long.

At our sides, Marco chuckled at his friend’s bluntness. “I will admit, a day off sounds really relaxing. We should all head to the lake and go swimming! Summer’s right around the corner, and you know what that means.”

“Endless heat,” Jean muttered. 

“Sticky clothes,” is how I answered. “God, the heat and these jackets don’t mix.”

“Agreed,” Jean and Marco mumbled together. We all laughed and waited patiently for the exam to begin. I looked around the forest edge and saw the two groups on either side of ours. I found it interesting the three of us worked grouped together, as I assumed Shadis would’ve put together individuals who didn’t coheres on a daily basis.

“Well what do we have here?” Turning my head, I frowned when I noticed the three girls who had been harassing me for the past few months. Down the line I’d probably learned their names, but I didn’t want to remember. Since the day they called me a whore behind the male dorms they had done nothing but call me names, both when I was alone and around the rest of the cadets. Bitch was my name to them and overtime, I ignored their noise; it wasn’t worth the fight. I didn’t want to exchange words as I had nothing to say.

Marco and Jean, on the other hand, wouldn’t let them anywhere near me. I’d heard it before that I was making the two males fight my battles, but I considered it endearing that they would stand up for me. There wasn’t a battle to fight, my friends were doing what they thought was right. 

“Hmm, I see Jean, Marco and…ah! There’s the little bitch!” the leader said, her friends laughing at her side. 

Stepping in front of me so I couldn’t see them, Jean growled, “Get the fuck outa here before I make you.”

“Oh, like I’m so scared!” she squealed. 

“Please leave,” Marco stated firmly, being the individual who could remain calm with his wording. “You’re in a different section then us, so unless you want me to call Shadis, head to your own station and leave Emalina alone.”

“Tch,” the female spat. “Of course you’d protect _her_. I’m surprised you haven’t grown tired of her keeping her legs open, seeing how she continues to screw the Commander to get what she wants.”

Brushing passed Jean’s shoulder, I stood face-to-face with this girl and growled. Having had enough, my chest swelled and my heartrate increased. “Watch what you say. If the Commander gives me anything I want, I could make you titan fodder.” Jean and Marco snickered at my side, knowing I was playing along with their threats, but my bully wasn’t amused. “With the pathetic amount of muscle on your body, we could easily throw you over Wall Rose.”

“You think you’re so funny, don’t you?”

“Well I’m not afraid of you, if that’s what you mean.”

My statement caused her to laugh as she leaned into close proximity of my face. “You may think you’re so smart, but I’ve got you beat, just you wait.” Knocking her fist against my fan mechanism held in place against my lower spine, she smirked as the metal reverberated. “Good luck on the exam, bitch. Can’t wait to see your face afterwards.” Walking off towards her station with the dogs following on her heels, I watched her back, gritting my teeth as my fists tightened at my side. Exhaling a shaky breath, I relaxed my fingers, knowing it was pointless to bottle the anger I held towards those girls. 

At my side, Jean and Marco turned towards me and smiled, but before they could say anything, I said, “Once again, I owe you two thanks. She’ll never leave me alone.”

Resting his arm upon my shoulder, Jean leaned into my body, forcing me to keep his balance. “As long as you keep messing with her like that, she’ll know you won’t back down.”

“That was a nice comeback though,” Marco pointed out. 

“If she’s gonna keep saying I’m screwing Shadis, I might as well have fun with it, right?”

“Just make sure we’re both there, alright?” Jean looked down and I smiled in response. As Marco opened his mouth to add something, our heads turned in the direction of Shadis’ voice. Knowing the exam was about to being, we locked our hands behind our backs, waiting for the proper time to begin.

“Listen up!” Shadis called from behind us. The rest of the groups were placed twenty feet within each other as they spanned the edge of the forest. “Your instructions were provided last night, so I won’t sit here and play with my thumbs to explain everything all over again. You have no more than one hour to reach your groups position on the other side of the forest, but remember, you can only finish when you and your group members are placed in the position with the number that was assigned to you. Are there any questions?”

All groups looked around towards each other as Jean, Marco and myself all shared a glance. We were ready for this and had spent most of our free time the night before discussing our strategies. We had no fear that we weren’t going to pass.

“Your one hour starts now. _BEGIN!_ ”

On cue, each group burst through their entry into the woods, the clinging of metal as all ODM gear was pushed into use. Using the handheld devices, I lurched forward as my wires connected into the closest tree, lunging my body onward as I soared within the air. Through my peripherals, I could see Jean and Marco follow, as they grew airborne, the three of us falling into line. We agreed to be silent once the exam started, using our hearing as a tool to listen, so for about ten minutes, neither one of us said a word as we glided through the air, the skills we gained through our ODM training maneuvered us around trees before we all landed on a thick branch. 

We all stood on the branch, glancing around the forest to see other groups or any “titans” we were to avoid. At my side, Jean huffed. “How is this a hard test if we’re not mean to _attack_ the titans?”

“You heard Shadis last night, Jean,” Marco answered.

“But why test us later and not now?” the boy muttered, looking in my direction, knowing I would eventually explain it to him. 

The adorable expression he wore caused me to laugh. “Jean, we _will_ be tested on that, but later. For now, they are wanting to see the skills we’ve obtained since we started our military training. Think about it, will we always be able to kill a titan? No, most of the time we will have to run for our lives.”

Grinning to his ears, Jean wrapped an arm around Marco, laughing as he whispered wickedly, “Don’t know why I’m complaining! Marco and I are headed to the Interior once we graduate!”

Hearing his words, the grin I wore wavered slightly. I’d known since day one Jean Kirschtein’s goal was to reach the Top Ten and join the Military Police within the Interior. The male had made it known to the other cadets what his plan was, and there were some people who resented his idealistic beliefs. My issue? He was leaving, and I didn’t want my best friend to go. 

Swallowing whatever was suffocating me, I shook the uneasiness from my shoulders, hands tightly gripping my ODM handheld devices. “Alright boys, we’ve been idle long enough, we need to get to the other side of the forest and complete this test.”

“I agree,” Marco answered. “Besides, aren’t we also being graded on our time and what place we finish it.”

“Aw hell. We’re being graded on everything excepting the strength of our blades.” Jean was still complaining, but I could understand why. We were soldiers-in-training, and although it was true he and Marco were wanting to join the MP’s, they still needed to learn how to properly, and effectively, murder the monsters we call titans. “Well, no time to sit. Let’s go!”

Jumping from our spot, we coursed through the air, dodging our way around trees and various traps the commanding team had arranged specifically for today. There were titan wooden figures of various sizes, most on the ground while some were climbing on trees; branches that would swing towards your body, meant to knock you off course; and there were buckets throughout the forest filled with mud or water. This was supposed to test us for any and everything, to see how we would manage if this was our reality and were struggling to breath the next day while running from a carnivorous ten-meter monster. 

Glancing upwards, the sun leaked through the treetops, and judging by the shadows, I estimated to the boys that it had been almost thirty minutes – meaning we were already halfway through the exam. Although the teams were scattered throughout the forest, Jean, Marco and I were lucky enough that we had come to recognize the layout of this land over the past year, which proved to work in our favor. Sadly, the offices in charge to train our hides were smarter and more cunning, as we had run into several titans and buckets of various liquids. Marco’s lower half was completely soaked, half of my side was covered in mud, and Jean would’ve been the only one clean at this moment in time if I hadn’t smudged his perfect face with a muddy handprint, which was now caked dry. 

The first titan to catch us off guard was quickly evaded, and the others we had seen from a fair distance and change our course of direction to go around the large wooden frame. By the time we encountered titan number two, I could feel a faint rumbling against my back, my hand reaching towards the gas-powered mechanism to see if any wires and straps were loose. Confirming everything was still in place, I let go and continued moving forward. 

Advancing further into the forest and to the opposite side, we noticed the traps increased n frequency, while some were only operated we one of us broke through an invisible wire. I knew we were doing well on our time and wasn’t worried we wouldn’t finish; I knew I would graduate regardless of my scores – though I obviously still wanted to do as well as I could.

My thoughts were interrupted when the rumbling from my ODM gear was growing louder, the metal gear beginning to shake as my wires released from the previous trunk and were inserted into ones directly in front of my flying form. As my wires struck the thick trunks, the fan operating the gas mechanism quickly accelerated to an unimaginable rate. My hand once again twisted around my back but shot away as the metal was burning; I knew my gear was overheating and fast. Curling my finger against the mechanisms in my handheld to release the wires, I was beat as one of the metal hooks unclenched from its position, the sudden loss of momentum caused me to drop and swing within the air. 

“Emalina?!” I could hear Jean and Marco yell my name but it fell on deafening ears. Pressing as fast as possible, the mechanisms on my handheld were jammed, the wire that fell was not responding, and as I went to release the secondary wire, I thus realized both hand grips were busted.

If it wasn’t for the thick, wooden trunk I was about to crash into, I might have laughed at my current situation.

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Jean

The fast movement of our gliding came to a halt.

Having been positioned between Marco and myself, Emalina could be seen within my peripherals at all times. As we moved, I could see her fidget and readjust sections of her ODM gear, causing me to worry, but each time she regained focus, I let the tension go. It wasn’t over though, as one minute she’s right by my side, the next, she’s gracefully falling towards her death. Flying in a frozen stance, I could do nothing but yell “Emalina?!” as Marco followed my gaze.

Her panic was rising as I could see the width of her eyes grow, her fingers working both handheld grips, neither wire would release or burst forward to restore her balance. 

And she fell.

My course of action changed, releasing both wires and accelerating my gas to thrust me in her direction. One of her wires remained intact against the tree, but the force of her fall was causing Emalina to swing in the direction of the trunk; it was only a matter of time before there would be a disastrous impact. Marco was behind me, yet my finger wouldn’t release the pressure of my gas, extending every ounce within both tanks. I needed to reach Emalina before she could sustain any injuries, or worse. It had happened all too soon, and within the snap of several seconds; the lapse of time ceased to exist, though it seemed my ability to reach my friend was nigh impossible as she continued to drop. 

I couldn’t contain the screech in my voice as I yelled Emalina’s name upon impact; her blood curling scream seeped into my bones, chilling me to the very core. 

With the one wire still attached, it seemed Emalina was thrown against the thick bark of the tree trunk, the fracture of her bones resonated across the forest. Blood began seeping through her military jacket, her unconscious form fell limp as it was being gently dangled, swaying ever so softly, but the moment I was close enough to reach out and grab for her hand, the wire snapped, dropping the girl to her death. A howl of anger and rage burst through my clenched teeth as I raced after her. Emalina was being cradled by gravity, and at this point, there was nothing keeping her safe from death. If I didn’t reach her before she met the ground, my best friend would die. 

Marco’s howls behind me proved he was just as fearful, the bursts of gas from our tanks didn’t seem to be enough to rescue the girl we were close to. As the ground steadily grew within our sight, my face was snagged on several branches, but I ignored the stinging and extended my hand. Our fingers slid against each other before I was able to fully grasp her hand, pulling Emalina towards my chest, holding her tight; but we were still being pulled by gravity to our graves. With one hand, I activated one wire, pulling us towards the closest trunk, trying to reduce our speed so I could land somewhat decently to inspect her wounds. 

When the ground was within range to land on my feet, I released the wire and dropped the remaining meters; my anticipation to land smoothly was gravely proven incorrect as my footing slipped on several rocks. Emalina and I flew against the ground, rolling apart from each other. Whereas my body came to a somewhat smooth halt, my friend landed with a substantial thud, her seemingly lifeless form completely still face down against the debris.

Jumping to my feet, my legs were shaky as I hurried towards Emalina who still had not moved. Marco landed on the ground beside me, both knelt to our knees, hands reached forward, but quickly retracted, unsure how to proceed. We didn’t know the extent of any injuries and didn’t want to cause any further pain, but I sucked in my breath knowing what I had to do. Holding my hand in front of her mouth, Emalina was still breathing, causing my own unsteady breath to be released from my tightened lips. 

“Marco, we need to remove her ODM gear.”

“Yes,” he agreed, eyes bouncing back and forth over her lithe form, looking to see if there was any external damage. Nimble fingers quickly removed her gear before our hands gently rolled Emalina from her stomach to her back, eyes slightly open. I had to remember to slow my breathing; the uncontrollable heartache was seeping forth.

In that moment, all I wanted to do was to cry.

My closest female friend lay before me, having nearly fell to her death when her gear seemed to malfunction. The depths of my being were howling, knowing the equipment failure seemed uncanny. More importantly, my heartbeat had increased, yet I ignored the feeling, brushing it off as adrenaline. Nevertheless, I knew it was something deeper as I stared at Emalina’s seemingly peaceful composure. 

Checking her pulse and discovering it was steady, I relayed this information to Marco who couldn’t do anything but shake his head. Glancing down at her jacket, he noticed her right sleeve was drenched in blood, seeping through the material and onto the ground. “Jean, she’s hurt, we _need_ to get Shadis.”

“I know, but we can’t just leave her.”

“I’ll stay, you need to go finish the exam for us and get him.”

“…please don’t leave me…” Our eyes sought Emalina’s, who glanced between Marco and myself. “We’ll fail the test if we stay here…” her voice was a whisper as her body twitched in pain. 

“That’s not important right now,” I replied, moving sweaty strands of hair from her face. She was covered in scratches and black bruises were already forming across any visible skin. “I need you to tell me what hurts. Where were you hit?”

“My…my side, but my a-arm hurts the most…!” Pushing against the ground in an attempt to push herself up, Emalina screamed and fell back against the ground, but Marco grasped her shoulders and pulled her close to his chest. 

“Don’t push yourself Ema!”

Touching her shoulder, Emalina’s eyes watched my movement as I delicately prodded my fingers along her left arm. Once I touched the ulna bone, she shrank from my touch, biting her lip with enough pressure to split the skin, blood pooling down her lip onto her dark blue shirt. Wincing in reflection of her pain, I calmly said, “Alright, looks like your arm is broken. I won’t touch your ribs, but how do they feel?”

“Sore, but…not like my arm.”

Sighing, I looked up at Marco, who seemed to understand what I was thinking. “Ema,” my friend said. “What are you wanting us to do?”

“Take me with you…we started this as a team and we’ll f-finish as a team…” Suddenly rasping, she covered her mouth, blood seeping through her fingers, covering her hand as she pulled away. “That’s not good,” she whispered. 

“Shit…yeah, that’s definitely not good. We need to get going.”

Emalina could only smile despite her condition. It was so beautiful, as I wanted to smile in return. “Consider this part of the training.”

I couldn’t stop myself from gritting my teeth, not necessarily at her statement, but more at the situation at hand. Marco’s voice interrupted my thoughts as he devised a plan on what we should do next “Jean, you take Emalina, I’ll grab her gear.”

Relaxing my features, my head nodded in response. “We make no stops. We’re almost to the other side of the forest, but we need to get her to the Medical Wing.” Crouching by Marco, I ever-so-gently positioned my friend into my arms, one behind her back, the other underneath her legs. It took several moments before Emalina stated she was ok, and after Marco grabbed her equipment, we were off. 

If I had to be honest with myself, I’d thought, on numerous times, about using the ODM gear whilst carrying Emalina in my arms, holding her close against my chest; the woman had been on my mind almost nonstop over the past year. Besides Marco, she was the first person I was with in the morning, and usually the last person at night before curfew. Looking down at her face caused confusion within my own mind, as she was the only other cadet, besides Marco of course, who believed in what I was achieving and the reasons why. After one year, the woman could see straight through me, more than most individuals I was raised with back in Trost. Her beauty was echoing within my heart, calling me forward; but something was also holding me back.

_Mikasa Ackerman._

The black-haired beauty who was wrapped around the finger of my adversary. I’d noticed her the night of initiation, the same night I met Emalina. I was enthralled by the person Mikasa was, yet the more I glanced by this past year, what was I enthralled by? Why was I putting Mikasa on a pedestal, though Emalina was the one I wanted by my side?

Groaning, my eyes shut, but they were quickly opened when she called my name. “Jean…? Are you ok?”

“Am I ok? No, no don’t ask me that. Are you alright?”

“I…I’m in pain.” Turning her head into my chest, she peered up into my eyes, and I had to force myself to divert my gaze from her glistening orbs. 

“Don’t worry, Marco and I are doing everything we can to get you to Shadis and then to the Medical Wing. We will _not_ leave your side.”

Her voice grew quiet, curling into my chest as Marco and I raced through the rest of the course. Luckily, it didn’t take us long before the gleaming sun poked through our frontal vision. Pushing our equipment as hard as we could, Marco and I burst through the forest opening, clear into the meadow we were assigned to meet our Commander. Dropping to our feet, I could hear the murmur of the other cadets chatting away as they were all supposed to wait until each team was finished with their exam. Heads turned in our direction, some gasping, others moving forward to see what was wrong with their comrade. 

“Commander!” I immediately began yelling as I stood on unstable legs.

“Commander Shadis!” Marco yelled as well, our combined voices resonating across the open meadow. All heads were now staring in our direction as we pushed through the forming crowd. The man in question nudged cadets away as he moved in our direction, his face contorted in an annoyed expression upon seeing us.

“What in the hell do you maggots want?!” As he assessed the situation, Shadis grasped what had happened and gestured for me to lay Emalina on the ground. Doing so, she grunted in pain as she looked at the Commander. “What has happened here?”

Not wanting to speak, I glanced down, staring at Emalina who solely looked up at me; from behind, Marco filled in my voice, placing her equipment down by our Commander’s feet. “We were making our way through the exam, sir, when her ODM gear suddenly stopped working. One of her wires broke from a tree and she was swung by the other wire straight into another. If it wasn’t for Jean, sir, Emalina would have died.” For those who could hear, the cadets surrounding our position instantly began to gossip, spreading word to the others what they heard. 

“Emalina’s injured?”

“They said she almost died?!”

“What on earth could have happened?”

Commander Shadis ignored the voices surrounding us as he spoke to Emalina. “Varlen, is what Marco said true?”

“Yes, sir…” She coughed once more, blood spilled onto her hand as she winced and grabbed her broken arm. 

Sighing, Shadis called for several of his assistants just as Sasha burst through the crowd towards her friend. “EMALINA!” Trying to reach her friend, Marco refrained Potato Girl from being too close, who continued to cry the name of her best friend. Emalina turned towards Sasha and offered her a weak smile, but the girl could do nothing but allow tears to fall, as she noticed the extent of the injuries. 

With two assistants at his side, Shadis ordered, “Silas, take Cadet Varlen to the Medical Wing at once, and report to me what the medic says.”

“Yes sir!” Taking the girl into his arms, Jean stood with the soldier, but before they could leave, Emalina’s voice rang out.

“Jean…” her eyes pleading with him to stay.

“Ema…I’ll come see you as quick as I can. I promise!” Though she didn’t understand, she nodded her eyes before closing, allowing Silas to return from the path they were just on towards the Medical Wing.

“Frederick, take Cadet Varlen’s ODM gear to my office and exam the equipment for what may have caused the malfunctions. I will meet you there as soon as I have closed the exam for the rest of the cadets.” Frederick nodded, grabbed the gear at Marco’s feet and followed Silas’ path towards the training grounds. Staring in our direction, Shadis grunted not quite sure what to make of the situation. “Kirschtein, Bodt.”

“Sir?” We both replied meekly, and some would’ve called on disrespect, but our minds were elsewhere, as we wanted to be by Emalina’s side. If our Commander wanted to reprimand us, he didn’t say a word. 

“After I have spoken with the trainees, you are to follow me back to my office. I want to speak more on the matter.” I opened my mouth to speak, but that’s where he drew the line. “Kirschtein you can go see Varlen when we are done talking. But until then, be the soldiers that you are and put this in the back of your mind. Consider this the field and do what you must at hand.”

Nodding, Shadis stood and called the trainees to attention, though most were still murmuring, wanting to know more about why their comrade was injured. Speaking on the exam, my head was busy recalling the scenario. Her gear had been working, as we practiced last night and she was having no issues nor any complaints about the equipment being faulty. The ordeal was bothersome but there was something on the tip of my tongue that I couldn’t recollect. Moving my gaze across the crowd, I assessed that we were the last team to arrive, but Emalina’s injuries were on the forefront of my mind, not whether I passed an exam on a skill I was already excelling in.

Moving my eyes back and forth, they stopped on a face I hadn’t seen since before the exam began – it was the three girls who had been harassing Emalina for the past few months. Their leader noticed my eye contact and raised an eyebrow in question. And that’s when it hit me.

_“You may think you’re so smart, but I’ve got you beat, just you wait.”_

_“Good luck on the exam, bitch. Can’t wait to see your face afterwards.”_

It’s her!

Trying to grab Marco’s attention, the others around us were moving, all heading back to the training grounds when our names were called by the Commander. Following his lead, we made our way through the forest and straight for his office, to which we found his assistant Frederick glancing at the ODM gear he had taken apart, moving different pieces to acknowledge the problem. Upon hearing our entrance, he nodded to Shadis before resuming his work.

“What’s the judgement?”

“These, sir.” Holding his hand out, Fredrick dropped several small rocks into the Commander’s hand, who closely inspected each one. “I discovered these in the fan compartment, causing the fans to be blocked from movement. Also,” walking down the length of the table, the soldier grabbed one of the handhelds. “The finger mechanisms to trigger the wire were cut into, but not completely severed. It’s the same for both, sir.”

Taking the device into his hand, Shadis inspected the contraption with his own eyes to confirm what his subordinate stated. Turning in our direction, the Commander handed it to Marco before passing to me, to which I confirmed the statement as well. “What the actual fuck is that?!” I whispered through gritted teeth. Marco, though just as disturbed as myself, elbowed me in the side as we were still in the presence of our superiors. 

“No, I agree with Kirschtein.” Shadis grabbed the device and placed it back onto the table. “What the actual fuck is this, Frederick?”

The soldier sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “To be honest, I don’t have an answer. If this was caused naturally I’ve never seen, or heard, of anything like this occurring. I don’t even think it’s possible.”

“Am I to assume what you are suggesting, Frederick?”

“Sir…I think Cadet Varlen’s equipment was purposely tampered with. Nothing else adds up to the cause for the malfunction.”

That was when both superiors turned in our direction as we stiffened our backs. “Kirschtein, Bodt, explain in detail exactly what happened during the exam.” We did, Marco adding details he witnessed when I was falling to catch Emalina before she fell directly to the ground. The image of her falling straight from her position burned the inside of my eyes as I couldn’t erase what I saw. When we were finished, Shadis claimed his chair, fisting his hands upon his desk. “Let me ask a different question: has anyone within this group been causing harm to Cadet Varlen?”

“Yes,” was the immediate response from my open mouth. Raising an eyebrow, our Commander pushed me to continue, and so I relayed the different incidents over the past year regarding Emalina and the female who wanted to torture her. It didn’t take long to finish as I noticed Fredrick and Shadis share a look of concern. 

“And this has been going on for some time, yes?”

“Yes sir. But…there’s something else Jean hasn’t mentioned, but I think we’re still in shock over the situation,” Marco added. “Before the exam started, the three of us were in our position when the three girls stopped and began bullying her. They, said some things and then left, but…I swear they did something else…”

“Wait!” Though I had remembered their words, going through the details pushed my memory into full motion. “As she said her last words, she knocked her fingers against Emalina’s fan then walked off.”

“But we were right there, Jean! Could she have really placed the rocks inside at that moment?” Marco asked.

Standing to his feet, Shadis waved his hand to quiet our voices. “I think we have all that we need. I won’t sugarcoat this, Kirschtein, Bodt, but this is a dangerous situation we have at our hands. Here are my orders for you two: you are to remain by Cadet Varlen’s side whilst she resides within the Medical Wing. Report to either me or Frederick if you notice anything suspicious.”

“Sir…?” Marco questioned. 

“If her equipment was tampered with purposely, we are to assume the reasoning behind these actions was to either permanently end Varlen’s career as a soldier, or to end _her._ ”

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Emalina

I could hear people all around me; some were moving, some were talking, but everything seemed muffled. My hearing strained to understand where I was and why I couldn’t make sense of my surroundings. Each time I attempted to move my limbs, they erupted in a scorching wave of unbearable agony. The pain continued for what seemed like hours upon hours, and when I was finally opened to open my eyes, all I saw was blurred colors as shapes were nonexistent. In the background, the individuals I heard speaking grew louder until my attention turned in its direction. 

“…ina? …alina? …Emalina?”

Blinking, I pushed to keep my eyes open and struggled, but after numerous efforts, they were finally open, and before me was three different people standing over my position, their voices filling my head. The longer I held my eyes open, the better my focus was grasping, and finally I was able to see my three best friends. 

Jean, Marco and Sasha. 

They were staring at me, their voices still asking how I was feeling, if could I speak and if I needed anything. My mouth opened to find it unbelievably parched to which a glass of water was placed in front of my face by Sasha. Realizing I was on my back, Marco gently wrapped an arm around my shoulder and tilted me forward at the waist until I was sitting straight up. One arm was in a sling against my chest, but the other was weak even as I raised to grasped the water on my own. Sasha scooted forward and held the water towards my mouth so I could drink, and then I realized Jean had stood from his seat and left the room. 

As my parched throat desired water, I ignored Jean leaving for the moment as the cool liquid trickled down my throat, spilling over my cheeks and onto my neck. Sasha pulled back, knowing I shouldn’t devour the entire cup and I whimpered as she removed the cup from my lips. At that moment, a door on the opposite side of the room opened to which, I assumed, was the current medic on staff, who walked in my direction, with Jean following behind. The medic approached my bed as both Sasha and Marco moved respectfully out of the way. “Emalina Varlen,” the male medic said. “It is good to see you awake. How’re you feeling?”

Smiling, my voice was a little hoarse, but I said, “Pretty hungry,” which earned a laugh from the medic and my friends.

“Yes, I could understand why. You can eat, but first, I have a few questions. Do you remember what happened? Do you know where you are?” I shook my head, eyes searching all around me, not knowing what was going on. “You’re in the Medical Wing, and you’ve been here since yesterday afternoon.

My eyes grew wide, in disbelief that the medic was stating I’d been slipping for almost twenty-four hours. Glancing between my friends, I landed on Jean who nodded yes to confirm what I’d heard. Finding my voice, I struggled to find an answer. “I…I remember our exams and I remember the last one for our ODM gear. Shadis was yelling out our instructions, Jean, Marco and I were grouped together, we had one hour… _wait._ ” My male friends looked at one another before stepping closer. “My gear…it malfunctioned, didn’t it?”

“Emalina…” Jean stood on the opposite side of my bed, taking in a seat in a chair. “Your gear did malfunction, and you were in a serious accident.”

“You suffered some injuries, but if it weren’t for Jean, you probably wouldn’t be alive,” Marco added. His words echoed through my ears until I heard a sob escape Sasha as she squeezed past the males, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me in for a hug.

“Sasha!” Jean yelled. 

“Emalina! I’m so glad you ok! I was so scared you weren’t going to wake up!” I smiled at my best friend, wishing I could return the affection, but I was physically exhausted.

“That doctor told you she was going to wake up Sasha. She wasn’t going to die,” Marco said, trying to withheld a chuckle from his lips.

“I’m so glad you were here by my side, Sasha, but I…I really need you to let go of my waist!” Letting go immediately, my chest heaved as I inhaled several deep breaths, my ribs were throbbing and I asked my doctor what injuries I was inflicted with.

Sighing as he stood, the medic grabbed the clipboard at the end of my bed and flipped through different pages. “You are very lucky, Emalina. I’ve seen cadets and soldiers who have suffered falls very similar to yours but have returned in worse conditions. With that said, you have contusions across your body, especially the left side of your ribs, which is the side, I was told, where you were swung into the tree. The ulna bone in your left arm is also broken in two spots, you will need to have this cast for several weeks, possibly a few months. Your right arm was sliced which took several stitches to close. Other than scratches and other bruises, you are in a healthy condition.”

“This is a healthy condition?” Jena asked, glancing at her different injuries. 

“Considering I didn’t lose a leg or wasn’t eaten, yes, this is very healthy in regards to injuries soldiers can acquire.” Everyone looked in my direction as the medic replaced my paperwork. 

“All your vitals are in good condition and there was no damage to your head or skull. You are to stay here for one more night, and if everything is still positive tomorrow, you will be able to move back into your dorm. Sasha, you stated you’re her bunk mate?”

“Y-Yes sir!”

“Good. Once she is released, I want you to keep an eye on her while in the dorm, but,” Looking between Jean and Marco, he added, “I would ask for the both of you to watch her as well, and to come find me if she needs assistance. Alright?”

“Yes sir!” The three said in unison.

“Thank you. Now, I must speak with Commander Shadis and inform him of your condition. Please remain with Emalina and I will be right back. I will bring you some lunch when I return.” I told the man _thank you_ as the medic left. Sasha took the chance and crawled onto the bed next to me as my head fell upon her shoulder. 

“Ema, are you alright?”

“I’m still tired and _very_ hungry.”

“You had us all worried! The other cadets are worried as well!” Marco sat on the mattress at the end of the bed, curling one leg up as he stared at my face. But was he staring at my face or my injuries? Suddenly growing conscious, I touched my cheek, and as the doctor said, my left side was more tender than my right. Understandably so, but I still felt physically exhausted. 

But then, a sudden thought ravaged my mind and I couldn’t stop myself from blurting, “Wait, what about our exam? Did Shadis fail us?!”

Grasping my hand, Jean lifted the corner of his lips. “It’s alright, Emalina. No, we didn’t fail, we finished the test within the hour as instructed. Shadis was actually impressed with us on how we handled the situation.”

“Oh my…” Lifting my head, all three of my friends were staring at me, and suddenly, I couldn’t sustain my calm façade any longer. My tears slowly fell from my eyes as I curled into myself. Sasha held her arms around me, softly rocking me back and forth while Jean and Marco waited off in the distance. “I’m sorry I put you through that…”

Tightening his grasp around my hand, Jean firmly stated, “Do _not_ be sorry, Ema. This wasn’t your fault.” Looking at Marco, Jean asked his male friend, “Should we tell her? Or should we wait for Shadis?”

“We will explain everything, cadets.” Across the room stood Commander Shadis and two members from the Scout Regiment. My friends quickly rose to their feet and saluted their superiors, whereas I nodded my head, unable to move my arms. “I do apologize for the intrusion, but we need to speak with Cadet Varlen privately.”

“Can we visit her later, Commander?”

Nodding as he acknowledged the three wanted to be by their friend’s side, Shadis said, “Yes, I will allow some time after dinner, thus your curfew has been extended. I will let you know when we are finished.” Taking one last look in my direction, my friends smiled as they walked off towards the exit; Jean was the last to leave but waved in my direction before leaving. Shadis closed the door behind him before moving in my direction. “Emalina Varlen, I was relieved to hear the good news that you have woken. How are you fairing?”

“Better than you would think, sir, though I am pretty hungry.” _Someone please get me some food!_

“I have food on its way, but I must speak with you first. However, I think you’d want to say hello to these individuals?”

I tried to giggle as I could see my close friends from the Scout Regiment, but my chest constricted and I grasped my side as the pain increased from the tenderness of my muscles. “Easy there, shorty.”

“Tch, I’m the same height as you, Levi.” The captain of the Levi Squad walked in my direction, his eyes squinting as he noticed the extent of my injuries. “Yes, I know, I need a bath.”

“Make sure it’s a good one, you smell like shit.”

I scowled in his direction before another voice was aimed at me. “Emalina, I am glad to see you smiling, despite what has happened.” The tall, blonde haired man stepped next to my bed, his arm landing on my shoulder. I used to think his large eyebrows were weird, like tiny caterpillars, but the more I was around the Commander of the Scout Regiment, the more I thought they were cute. 

“It is good to see you too, Erwin. Oh, excuse me, I should be saying ‘Commander’ and ‘Captain” as I am now a soldier-in-training, my apologies.” 

Erwin laughed. “You can still call us by name, as long as when it’s just us, ok?”

“Ok, I can do that,” I said, simply happy to be around the people who saved me years ago.

“Your friends were just here,” Levi pointed out, as he sat in the chair Jean had recently occupied. “Did they inform you anything about your accident?” I shook my head, knowing Levi was hinting at something, yet I was not sure what to think on the matter. Standing at the foot of my bed, Shadis cleared his throat as I turned to face him.

“Emalina…my assistants and I spoke with Kirschtein and Bodt after you were escorted here yesterday, and they informed exactly what happened. I’m going to tell you what they told me, then I want you to see if anything seems different than what you remember, alright?” My Commander spent the next few minutes going over the same details I remembered, and when he finished, I stated everything matched to what I could recall. Glancing between Erwin and Levi, Shadis released a hefty sigh, his shoulders tense as he walked around my bed. “We…also took a look at your ODM gear. It would seem your gear didn’t suffer a simple mechanical issue.”

My head tilted as I was confused, not quite sure how to process Shadis’ words. Clearing his throat, the man reluctantly continued, still unease about learning the information for himself. “It would seem your gear was tinkered with. We found rocks in the fan compartment and the wiring to your handhelds were cut to initiate damage when used.”

“S-Someone…someone purposely tampered with my ODM gear, to…what? So I could fail the exam?” My head turned towards Erwin and Levi, hoping they would know what was going on.

“We inspected your gear as well, Emalina, and your Commander is correct that it was tampered with,” Erwin replied as easily as he could.

“Someone wants you _dead,_ Emalina. Dead or permanently injured.”

“Levi…” Erwin sighed at the captain’s bluntness, but the man should’ve known this would happen.

“Thankfully, your death wasn’t an outcome, and from what the doctor has relayed to me, you can continue your training within two weeks, though your cast will need to be on for a few months. Though there will be limitations for some time,” Shadis stated.

Dead.

Someone wanted me dead? But who?

Blinking several times, my chest heaved as my mind tried to wrap around this piece of information, but it wasn’t comprehending the situation at hand. Looking down at my arm, I was sent through a flashback of the accident; the fear that encompassed my entire being when the wire broke, the stillness of my surroundings when I thought something worse was going to happen. Even now, sitting comfortably within the Medical Wing, I was confronted by an onslaught of negative emotions at the thought that I could have _died!_

_But you’re not, a small voice echoed deep within my mentality._

Grimacing when I flexed the muscles of my broken arm, the throbbing pain was a reminder that this was simply training, and if I truly wanted to graduate and become a full-fledged soldier, I needed to expect death every moment of everyday I would serve the people I wanted to protect. 

A smile graced my face when I heard Levi speak at my side. “The hell you smiling for shorty?”

Peering at him, I couldn’t help but laugh. “That I’m alive. And that’s all that matters.”

Erwin chuckled. “I like that answer, Emalina.”

“I agree with Erwin, but are you wanting to know who the culprit is? They have been discharged from training, having been sent home to work in the fields.” Shadis asked, holding a file, which I assumed held all the necessary paperwork regarding the investigation they must have done within the last twenty-four hours.

“No sir. I have a feeling who it is, and if I am correct, I’ve got nothing to worry about anymore.”

Nodding slowly, Shadis wasn’t sure if he felt at ease Emalina without knowing the full information regarding this incident, but she had a point: she was alive. As she was involved and wanted to leave it untouched if the circumstance was taken care of, the man had to respect her decision. “As you wish, I will be taking my leave. Erwin, Levi, I appreciate you coming all the way out here. I’ll be in my office if I can be of assistance.” Leaving the Medical Wing, I glanced between the Commander and the Captain, suddenly questioning why they were here.

“You know, usually the Scout Regiment doesn’t visit the Cadet Corps until graduation to persuade individuals to join. The visit is greatly appreciated, but may I ask why you’re here?”

Kicking his shoes onto my bed, Levi crossed his arms, the usually scowl on his face was neutral as he said, “Tch, we wanted to pay you a visit.”

“I suppose, but to travel all the way from Trost? Surely it would’ve been easier to have sent a letter?”

“You’re one inconsiderate brat, aren’t you?”

“Shouldn’t you know that by now? I mean, I did live with the Scouts for two years. Someone seems to be losing their edge.” Standing from the chair, Levi leaned over and rubbed his hand against the top of my head, tangling my already knotted hair. I growled, but grabbed my side, knowing I had been squirming and laughing too much.

“It’s true, we came to see how you were faring, Emalina. When we heard the news of what happened, we headed over here straight away. What kind of Commander would I be if I let my next best candidate for the Scouts perish during training?”

“Oh, so _that’s_ why you came all the way out here.” Maneuvering my pillows, I lowered my back against their fluffiness, my body instantly relaxing at the better position for my sore limbs. “I’m just a number for future consideration.”

“Tch at least praise yourself, shorty. A number that has top skills to make a good soldier,” Levi stated hotly.

“Not as good as you,” I pointed out.

“Alright you two. Emalina,” Erwin walked around my bed and grasped my shoulder. “I do not see you as a number. I wanted to stop by and discuss your training, to see if you remember my offer I provided before you left for training?”

The man’s words made me release my breath before I slowly inhaled. The offer Erwin mentioned was the last conversation I held with the Commander before I left to begin my training as a soldier. I couldn’t forget, as it was the day I made my decision for my future self. “No sir, I haven’t forgotten.”

“And?” Levi pushed, expecting me to talk.

“There are some things I need to settle, but I…I think I may have made my decision.”

~ oOo ~

“So, Emalina, the two Scouts who were with Shadis this afternoon? Do you know them?”

“I do,” I replied, the heads of my three friends simultaneously turned towards my direction, the simple game of cards we were playing abandoned as each began asking me questions. The others were sitting around my bed whereas I was leaning against several pillows, sipping on some tea the Doctor gave me to help alleviate the pain I was feeling. Erwin and Levi didn’t stay that much longer after Shadis left, as they were needed back at headquarters; I was able to take a nap before I was reunited with Sasha, Jean and Marco, who were kind enough to bring me my dinner. 

“You know people in the Scouts?” Marco asked, wanting to ensure he heard my answer correctly.

“You heard right. That was the Commander of the Scouts, Erwin, and Levi. You’ve probably heard of him; the people have given him the nickname ‘Humanity’s Strongest’. They…they were the ones who saved me after the fall of Wall Maria.” If the silence between my friends could grow, then this silence would be deafening. With my nonbroken arm, I laid my cards down on the bed, focusing on controlling my breathing. Jean and Marco were the first to gain an insight into the fatality my parents suffered the day the titan’s broke through Wall Maria, and Sasha had learned a few months later when we were discussing my childhood; but none of the three knew what happened after Freyja and I escaped from Uma. 

“Ema?” Jean said the nickname he had granted me softly, his fingers caressing my hand, wanting me to know that I was in a safe environment. “Don’t tell us if you’re not comfortable with it.”

Who couldn’t smile at his words? Jean really was a sweetheart and was slowly showing that sweetness a little more every day; but only to his three friends. Regardless of the man ensuring I felt safe, I knew I was free from harm with Sasha, Jean and Marco by my side. Since the day I relayed how my parents died, my inner self was beginning to relax; it was soothing, if not healthy, to uncap the bottomless emotions I secured deep within. A tender smiled was given to my friends as I said, “It’s ok, Jean. You’ll find out sooner than later how I know them, and I’d rather it come from my mouth.”

Straightening my back and taking a deep breath, I thus explained to my closest friends how I was able to survive the threat of the titans after nearly a hundred years ago. Though easier than before, it was still difficult discussing where I came from and how so. Why would I want to relive the bloodshed I witnessed? To hear the screams? The anguish, the agony?

Because I needed to speak of my secrets, to relinquish the distraught if brought upon me each and every day.

“As you all know, I left my village on Freyja’s back; at first, I had no idea what to do or where to go; the family I had was just killed, I had no one. Luckily, I had been to Trost several times with my father; once I regained my composure enough to focus on the next step, I raced to Trost, knowing the titans would soon be on my feet. When I reached the farming settlements in front of the Trost Gate, the buildings were empty, but I screamed as loud as I could for help, with no answer.

I so desperately wanted to take a break; Freyja and I had been racing all night with the open threat of titans out and about. We walked through the buildings, yelling and screaming to see if there was somebody, anybody who could help us, and, what do you know, the footsteps start pounding. I turn around to see a ten-meter titan running in my direction. And so, we ran, but…I knew my fate was over; there was no place to go.” Head falling into my hands, I groaned and growled, rampaged by anger, the fear, and the expectation of death. Swallowing the anxiety, I continued before anyone could begin speaking. 

“It’s…all a blur, and it happened really quickly. I’m astride Freyja, galloping away, and the next, I’m wrapped within the titan’s hands, about to be swallowed whole like a pig.”

 _“WHAT?!”_ All three gasped, eyes wide as saucers. If it wasn’t for the topic at hand, I probably would’ve laughed. Sasha covered her mouth, Marco was biting his fingernails; and Jean opened his mouth to speak but I shook my head, wanting to finish before any questions could be asked. 

“I screamed and screamed, but as the titan opened its mouth, I…just accepted my fate and went limp, trying to put myself into a neutral state, ignoring the fact I was about to be fucking eaten. But then…there wasn’t any pain, no blood. I was falling, the uncanny bellow of the titan echoing through my ears it’s fingers were cut from the hand, releasing me. My body never hit the ground as I was caught by someone within the Scout Regiment. I was saved by Levi.”

“Woah…” Sasha said in a stunned state. She pulled a potato from an unknown pocket on her residential clothing and began eating.

“Apparently, I blacked out because I remember waking up to see Erwin, the Commander of the Scout Regiment next to my bed, wanting to speak with me on the titans. I explained what happened to my village and how I ended up in Trost; in a nutshell, the Scouts were interested in how I survived and if there was any differential knowledge I had on the beings as I witnessed them up close.” Staring at the curiosity written across their faces, I chuckled, surprising even myself with the behavior. It was getting easier to speak of myself and what I’d been through, and I was very much thankful for the trust and support of the three people surrounding me. Without them, who knows if I would’ve known what friendship was like, to be accepted?

It’s still tough living in the fear I’ll lose everyone I cared for, but I’d grown to understand that’s life, and if you really want to live, you have to push that fear aside, say _fuck it all,_ and have fun. 

_Thank you, Marco,_ I thought to myself. _I’m actually living because of your words._

“What happened after that? Where did you go?” Marco asked. 

“Erwin and Levi asked the same thing when I said I had no family, no means to support myself. I stayed with the Scouts for a few weeks until I was…past my grieving, at least, until I was stable to function on daily tasks. I worked in the stable and helped around their Headquarters to earn my right for food and stay. Levi noticed my ability with the horses and connected the two when I said I was from Uma. He spoke with Erwin, who think spoke with Shadis; after pulling some strings, I was asked to work with Annamarie, the equestrian specialist for the Scouts. She helped the Cadet Corps before us with their equestrian training and I was her assistant.”

“Fuck, Ema…” Jean scratched his hair, not quite sure what to say. 

But before I could say anything else, Sasha muttered in a small voice, “How’re you so strong…?” I raised an eyebrow, not sure what she meant. “You’re strong physically, we’ve all seen the way you train, but I mean…Emalina, how’re you so strong in here?” Leaving forward, she poked the position of my heart, her words finally comprehending to my understanding. “I want to cry for you Ema, you’ve been through something traumatic and yet, you pull through each and every day. How do you get out of bed each morning? Why do you keep going?”

Marco nodded, slowly asking with, “I’ve been thinking that too. I’m not trying to pry - !”

“Me neither!” Sasha stated quickly.

“Guys, I understand!” Waving my hands, I laughed, grabbing my side, remembering to slow down and breath slow and deep. “To be honest…I’m not sure if I have an answer. I can tell you that I didn’t want to live any longer right after my parent’s death, but the Scouts pushed me; Levi taught me how to clean, Erwin had me do deliveries – I was kept busy. From there? I…I dunno…it kinda seems silly for me to die just because I lost my family. It’s disheartening, yeah, but I would think my parents wanted me to keep living.” Clenching my hands, I released them several times, questioning if I was simply giving them an answer, or if what I was stating was the truth. 

“Eventually, I was able to rise every morning because I wanted to become a soldier,” my eyes crossed over my friends, landing, and staying focused on Jean. “I want to protect those I care for.”

Beside me, Sasha was a bumbling mess as she fell into Marco, her tears soaking his shirt as she didn’t want to crush me in my injured state. My freckled friend consoled her as best he could but sighed knowing she was being melodramatic, but her appearance had me laughing, which calmed the girl down instantly, tears still streaming down her reddened cheeks. Her laughter joined in with mine and was soon followed by that of Marco and Jean, the Medical Wing soon rumbled with the vibrations of our liveliness. 

Sitting there, surrounded by people who had been strangers to me one year ago, I smiled, knowing that I would’ve still be lost within myself. These individuals gradually allowed me to be free, slowly pulling me by the hand to once again see the light I so missed. Life was beautiful, filled with individuals I cared for deeply and wanted to protect. For three years I had waited, desperately seeking this level of comfort, this desire to be needed and wanted, without the fear that I would forever be alone. The anxiety still rests inside me, but I wasn’t enclosing myself to save the grief I was already plagued by; my new life began the day I was initiated as a soldier-in-training, and I would do anything to keep my friends by my side.

Even if it costs me my life.

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Jean

We continued to sit with Emalina, playing different card games and simply keeping her company the time of our curfew passed. The medic wanted to keep an eye on Emalina one more night to check on her vitals, and as Shadis walked in, communicating in his gruff voice that we were to head to our dorms. Each saying our goodnights, we left the Medical Wing with peace in our hearts, knowing our friend was to recover from her injuries. 

Walking inside our dorm after we bid Sasha a goodnight, Marco and I were flooded with our roommates, questioning how Emalina was doing and the extent of her injuries. Keeping quiet on the ordeal being more personal than an actual accident, we gave as many answers as we could, some having to be complete lies or altered in order for some privacy to remain intact. Our comrades seemed pleased with the answers but were still disturbed by the incident. Since starting training, there had been several injuries, but the cadets we’ve lost were due to quitting in being a soldier, to return to the farms instead. We’d been told stories of previous Cadet Corps where trainees have _died,_ but it had yet to happen. People were now questioning if this accident was the start to the turmoil in training we had yet to experience. 

As the evening passed, we all crawled into our bunks, the candles having been extinguished so sleep could wash over our still exhausted bodies. For me, sleep did not come so easily. In his bunk next to mine, Marco had knocked out fairly easily, but that was a consistent trait for my friend; I, however, tossed and turned between my back and sides, uncomfortable and pissed that I was still staring at the godforsaken ceiling. 

Quietly climbing down the ladder after several hours, I needed a break. The dorm had a musky smell that wasn’t helping and I needed fresh air. Throwing on my shoes, I nimbly stepped outside, shutting the door as softly as possible, standing on the wooden deck as the stars in the sky became my next focus. The darkness of the night was deep, each constellation shone bright and perfect. 

But even the beauty of the night sky couldn’t shake my thoughts from what happened during the exam yesterday. Just a few hundred feet away, Emalina was resting, her injuries slowly healing, and I knew that, but remembering how she dangled by a single wire, crashing and nearly falling to her death caused my skin to tremble. The mere thought that I could’ve carried her lifeless body back to the other cadets was enough to clench my eyes shut; Emalina was too damn important in my life to simply die during training.

I grasped my nose, not understanding what I was thinking. _She’s my friend, but why am I this distraught over her dying when she’s sleeping in the Medical Wing?_ The same thought, over and over, had plagued my mind since the accident yesterday. It continued to beat against the inside of my skull, never allowing me to think of something else, but in all honesty, did I want to think of anything other than Emalina?

The way her hair’s grown longer since we met. 

Her eyes shine when she’s happy.

That smile is so contagious.

But those lips are so…

“Emalina…?”

Rubbing my still-not-tired eyes, I looked off into the distance that was the Medical Wing to see my friend slowly removing herself from the building. Head scanning in all directions, she cautiously walked across the grounds towards the forest, her sluggish steps were caused by pain in her side, I could tell. Knowing where she was headed, I sighed and followed after; consequences be damned if it meant watching my friend to ensure her safety. 

Keeping my distance, it took Emalina some time but she eventually stopped at the lakeside, staring off into the distance before taking a seat in the same place where she allowed Marco and I an insight into the cause of her pain. Removing her shoes, she dipped her feet into the cool water, disturbing the stillness and causing a ripple effect to disturb the surface. Standing almost ten feet away, I had a clear view of the façade she wore, but I was still unsure what she was thinking. 

Emalina was an enigma. There were somedays I could easily see her pain, the struggle she bore each day, while others, I couldn’t determine what she was thinking. She’s a puzzle where the solution changes daily and I have to work harder in order to crack the code. However, I didn’t want to crack Emalina; she was different, not a basic cookie cutter like my mother used. My friend was unique and it was one of the traits I loved most about her.

Wait, what?

_“Don't you think of me enough?”_

_Wait, is she…singing?_ Holding my breath, I stepped closer, not sure if I could hear the words, but I wanted to see if she was actually singing. My boots stepped over dried leaves and sticks, careful as I didn’t want to frighten her with the possibility of her falling into the lake. 

_“I've been burning my heart out, I've got to face, need to tell you. I won't run cause I'm reticent.”_

What the fucking hell? She’s…she is singing!

_“You will know you're reborn tonight; must be ragged, but I stay by your side, even if my body's bleached to the bones, I don't want to go through that ever again. So cry no more, oh my beloved. Go ahead, be proud and fight it out. You are the one, our rising star, you guide us far to home yet girt…”_

The air grew silent, but the overwhelming beauty of her voice rang inside my head. It was absolutely breathtaking as I stared at Emalina in wonder, wondering if she would ever allow me to hear her sing once again. Staring in awe, my mouth fell to the ground as I considered the words to the song, it was something I’d never heard before. 

“Jean, you can come out now.”

 _What?! She knew I was here the whole time?!_ Taking a deep breath, I removed myself from the shadow of a tree, making my way towards her position and claimed the seat by her side. Even in the moonlight Emalina’s bruises across her face and arms were prominent and I refrained myself from gently tracing over each one, wanting her to know she was still beautiful as ever. We sat in silence for a few moments, but I knew we couldn’t remain out here forever so I was the one to speak first. “How did you know I was here?”

“By your smell.” My eyebrows rose as high as they could, forcing a chuckle from her mouth. “It’s true. You have this distinctive smell that I’ve attached to you.”

“Please tell me it’s not bad…” I mumbled, ruffling my hair in annoyance, knowing that’s how she distinguished me from our comrades. 

“Oh no! You smell…you smell earthy, but clean at the same time. I don’t know how to describe it, I’m sorry.”

“So, basically I smell both clean and dirty. Lovely.”

“I like it.” Emalina smiled, causing my eyes to widen as my lips tugged upwards. Upon realizing her words, she directed her head towards the lake, a light blush accenting her cheeks, causing me to smirk. 

Not wanting to create an awkward silence, pushed aside the discussion of my apparent smell and asked, “Don’t mistake this being rude, but what’re you doing out here, Ema? You should still be in the Medical Wing recovering, sleeping your injuries off!” Her face tensed at my tone and I immediately regretted my words, but I knew it needed to be said. What I hadn’t been out there and she fell?

“I know, I’m really sorry Jean. But I…I had a nightmare and I needed some fresh air.”

I sighed, not really blaming her as I was up during the night too, but unlike her, I wasn’t injured. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Watching at me, she shook her head. “It’s nothing new. It’s the same dream I used to have after my parents died, but occasionally it happens when I’m under a lot of stress.”

“I know, we’ve all been worried about you.” Scooting closer, I delicately poked her shoulder with mine. “Hey, if you’ve survived everything fate has placed at your feet, I know you can survive this and be stronger afterwards.”

“Funny thing is, after I fled Uma, I was rescued by the Levi and the Scout; yesterday, you rescued me.”

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I always thought I was alone after the death I saw when the titans attacked.” Grasping a rock, she easily tossed it into the water, watching our reflections waver as it rippled before gradually smoothing back into place. “Having some time to think since I woke up, I wasn’t really alone, and I’m very thankful for that.”

“Sasha, Marco and I have told you that as well. We’re here, and we aren’t going anywhere.”

“True, but…” Turning her body until she faced me, I moved mine around so we were face-to-face.

“No _buts,_ Ema.”

Her lips closed as she was about to speak, her attention moving towards her cast as she fiddled her fingers. “Jean?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you…for being my friend.”

“You should be thankful,” I muttered, her face turning angry at my words, but I quickly finished with, “Not everyone gets to be friends with someone as handsome as me.”

“Oh _god,_ really?!” Poking my side, I squirmed, surprised at the amount of feistiness still residing within her. “You asshole, I thought you were gonna say something else!” But I shrugged my shoulders and she poked me more. Our laughter once again fell into silence, but I didn’t want to stop talking with her. I was carefree with her by my side. Growing up, I was always full of anger, which developed into a rage against my mother. But Emalina allowed me to be me, the anger slowly burning away, and I never wanted to lose her. 

“Hey…” Her voice pulled me away from my thoughts, her face frowning as she asked, “You know what I just realized? We never did settle our bet from the first day of training.”

“Huh? Oh, you mean about our nicknames?” She nodded. “Oh god…you still wanna finish that?”

“Uh, yeah! We made that after our initiation last year. It only seems fair.”

“For you or for me?” She shrugged and smiled, not letting me off the hook. Though I would never state otherwise, I was secretly thankful neither of us remembered. Groaning I mumbled, “Fine, alright, we’ll both say to make it fair. You go first.”

“Alright. My dad and mom called me Rosie.”

 _Rosie? Wow, that’s really pretty._ Mentally shaking my head, I scoffed and said, “Why didn’t you want tell me those last year?”

“Just to tease you. You seemed uncomfortable about yours so I tried to even the playing field by making it seem mine was really embarrassing.”

God this girl was good. “Well, you know I’ll be calling you those from now on, right?”

“Over my dead body,” she replied somewhat seriously, and I instantly knew she wanted to remember those names in the voice of her parents, not mine; I respected that. Besides, ‘Ema’ was her nickname from me. Waving her hand in my direction, she asked, “And what about you?”

Groaning, I looked down, twiddling my thumbs before finally whispering quietly, “Jeanie-Boy…” Looking up, I was thankful Emalina’s face was blank. At least, I thought it would be.

 _“What?? Ahhhahaha!!”_ Clutching her side, Emalina closed her lips, eye leaking several tears as laughter leaked from her entire being. Sitting there, I narrowed my eyes, watching her until she finally calmed down, but the chuckle would remain for several moments. Using her shirt to wipe away the cruel tears, she smiled wickedly. “If you think you’re gonna use mine, just wait till I use yours.”

“Over my dead body,” was the reply I gave, mimicking her previous answer. “My mom’s been calling me that for as long as I can remember.”

She must’ve noticed the change in my features as she grasped my hand. “Hey, I shouldn’t have laughed, I’m sorry.”

“Really?” I asked cautiously. She somehow released these adorable puppy-dog eyes as she tightened her lips, not wanting to tell me the entire truth. But with that face currently staring into my eyes, I couldn’t move, I was stunned by the perfection seated across from me. Shaking my head, her laughter became contagious. “Don’t be sorry, I’m not really upset. But if you see me around my mom when she calls me that, prepare for me to go nuts.”

“Oh, nutty Jean? I’d like to see that.”

Ruffling her hair, my next words were soft and gentle. “Of course you would. But…um, hey, I’m not gonna ask what it meant, but you sang beautifully, by the way.”

“Why thank you, and nice change of subject.” Pulling several strands of hair behind her ears, she turned her body around until she was facing the lake once more and I followed the same, our shoulders touching, her hand still clasped around mine. Did she even know she was still holding it? “You know, not everyone gets to be friends with someone as special as me.”

A snarky comeback was on the tip of my tongue, but in the moment, I didn’t want to say it. She was being sarcastic, but in my ears, it was the truth. She really was special and I was damned lucky to be in her company each and every day. Her direction was staring up at the stars, mine was gazing at her features; even in the moonlight, all I could see was her stunning beauty.

The few freckles that danced across her nose.

How her eyes sparkled each time she smiled. 

She moved with such poise and grace. 

But what had me staring each time we were together was Emalina’s strength, just as Sasha mentioned earlier this evening. Even before she trusted me with her past, I knew my friend was strong, both physically and internally. And now, with my perception on her silence, I sought her strength, for it gave me the courage I needed, the courage I had been seeking in wanting to become a soldier. 

“My mother taught me the song.” Looking away from the stars and towards me, she continued with her statement when I didn’t reply, as I was to mesmerized by _her._ “She said it was something she used to sing, to help me sleep when I was a baby. I learned from her…so I sing it when I miss her the most.”

“Emalina…”

“It’s ok, Jean. It’s been three years. I’ll never…fully heal from my grief, but knowing I still have a connection with her and my father helps me when I’m in the darkness.”

“I feel as if I owe you an apology,” I sighed, my words causing her to tilt her head in confusion. 

“Whatever for?”

“For earlier, when I said I go crazy when my mother calls me by my nickname. But…your words made me realize…that I take things like that for granted.” Grasping a small rock, just as she had earlier, I chucked the thing as far into the lake as I could, yelling in my head at the selfishness I bestowed when I was around Emalina. “I can see my mother anytime once we’re done with training, but I’ve complained before about my mother, but you, Emalina…you’ll never get to hear your mother call you Rosie again.”

“Oh Jean…no, please don’t be sorry. I mean, well, I do get upset because I’ll never see my mother cook breakfast or help my father with the horses. But I’m alive and still have my memories; I’m living for them because they would’ve wanted me to have a happy life.”

I couldn’t form the words to say anything to her statement. Instead, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into my chest, my lips dangerously to her neck. “Emalina, when you think about the future, what do you see…?” The sudden question was completely off topic, but one that had been on my brain for the past few weeks.

She was quiet for some time; I didn’t expect an answer, as the question flew from my lips. After a few moments, her voice danced through my ears, sending a chill down my body; it was soft and quiet, so full and hope. “Outside of being a soldier, I…I want a family. I want to marry a man I love and raise our children in a small cottage.”

Not even the three Walls could’ve contained the euphoric beat that was my heart. Hearing her words heated my blood, my cheeks darkening – to which I was thankful it was dark out. Was it her honesty? Was it simply knowing she wanted to have a family? Regardless, I allowed my heart to beat for this female, this woman who didn’t seem to understand the significance she had on my life. Leaning down, I kissed her temple, knowing full well the extent of my actions and the words that followed next.

“I’ve wanted the same future all my life, Emalina.”

_I want you to be my future._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very big thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. Let me know what you thought!
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	6. Beauty Does Exist in This World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There are spoilers ahead, so if you haven’t seen the OVA Episode 3.25 “The Sudden Visitor: The Tortuous Curse of Youth,” you have been warned. There’s a small part of the episode at the end, but the majority of the episode will occur in the next chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me. I only own Emalina and any other OC’s.

“Alright Bertholdt, you got it this time, I’m positive!”

“They usually say third times the charm, but you’ll definitely make it on the seventh.”

“Jean! Ugh, ignore him, Bertholdt. Just do exactly what we’ve been practicing and you’ll be fine. Just believe in yourself.”

Standing in the open training grounds, Jean and I were the only ones around, as the others were training elsewhere or doing whatever they wanted. Shadis finished our training early and, as we have the day off tomorrow, said we could do whatever we wished for the remainder of the day. Right after we were dismissed, that’s when Bertholdt suddenly asked if I could help with something e’s ben struggling with. I wasn’t one to turn someone down, and we had been working together since mid-afternoon, the sun soon to set off in the distance. We had spent the entire time correcting his riding techniques and gradually incorporated his gear to use both at once. He had been doing a splendid job and was a fast learner, but the last part he couldn’t seem to grasp was standing on the horse when needing to utilize his gear.

The poor cadet fell each time he struggled to stand on the saddle.

Groaning, the tall cadet tiredly said, “Fine. But if I didn’t succeed on the last six attempts, who’s to say I will this time?”

“Because I said so,” was my firm reply. Hands on both hips, I wasn’t allowing Bertholdt to leave until he could manage to do the technique successfully at least once. 

Standing in the orange glow of the evening, I reflected on the last few months as I watched Bertholdt ready his gear, as it had released from his body when he fell from the last attempt. It had been a few months since the end of the year exam; six months since my unanticipated accident that could’ve led to my death. Thankfully, my injuries healed without any complications, other than some scars across my frame, including the one on my arm that was roughly three inches long. Everyone was happy I recovered and returned to training not much longer. Hell, even I was ecstatic there was nothing to hinder my ability in becoming a capable soldier. 

With that said, other cadets that I either didn’t know, or didn’t associate with, suddenly asked me to assist with their training as soon as I was healed, and when we began combining our swords with the ODM gear, the requests were pouring in. I did what I could to help, but couldn’t work with everybody. 

Mounting Freyja, as I allowed Bertholdt to use my horse, the male looked concerned and feared he would fail. Poor Bertholdt...he holds a negative view of what he’s able to achieve, and sometimes I wondered if that had anything to do with the village he and Reiner were raised being attacked by the titans several years ago. Nevertheless, I still pushed him because I wanted him to succeed, and a little push does go a long way.

“Alright, do you remember what we’ve discussed?”

He nodded. “Trust the horse and focus on the task at hand.”

“Yes,” I replied, nodding my head. At my side, Jean crossed his arms and gave me a look. Nudging his side with my elbow, I gave Bertholdt the signal and he spurred Freyja on. 

His instructions were simple: maneuver Freyja around the training grounds until she was galloping towards the forest edge and attempt to use the ODM to fly towards one of the trees. Watching from the side, Bertholdt’s face held concentration, but the male focused a bit too much. 

Bursting with a rush of endurance, Freyja sped forward; Bertholdt gripped the reins tightly, eyes focused on the sight ahead of him. Clasping both hands to my mouth, I bit my fingernails in anticipation and watched as he maneuvered both feet from the stirrups and jumped upon the saddle. I instantly cheered and watched as he flew towards the trees, zigzagging between several trees before retrieving Freyja and making his way back towards the two of us. Walking in our direction, both Jean and I met him halfway and I jumped for joy, giving the cadet a high-five and a side hug.

“I told you!” The smile on my face was large, but I was really happy I could help. Poor Bertholdt seemed embarrassed as his cheeks turned red.

“And what was it I said? He’d get it correct on the seventh try?” Jean smirked at my side and I shoved him again. 

“Oh, hush you! So what if it takes three, seven or twenty times? If you practice hard enough, you’ll achieve whatever it is you’re wanting. How did it feel, Bertholdt?”

Scratching his head, the male looked down in my direction as he was a whole foot taller than me. “Just as you said, Emalina. I trusted Freyja this time and just...did what I needed to do. You think I was thinking too much?”

“It’s very possible, you tend to overthink certain situations.”

He nodded in agreement. “How can you not? We’re expected to master riding a horse, the ODM gear and put them together?”

“That’s why you need to trust your strength and your horse. Heh, then again, Freyja’s an amazing horse regardless, aren’t you sweetie?” I scratched along her nose and she whinnied in response.”

“I thank you, Emalina. You went out of your way when you could’ve done something relaxing.” Still with cheeks red, Bertholdt rubbed the back of his head.

Gleaming, I couldn’t but feel proud, not only or my friend, but for me. Hey, I have to give myself some credit when it is due, right? “I’m awesome, I know.”

Both Jean and Bertholdt chuckled, the taller of the two stating, “You are correct on that one. I... thank you again for today Emalina, I appreciate it. What can I do to help you?”

Stunned, I blinked several times. “Huh? Oh, nothing Bertholdt! I didn’t help to get something in return!”

“A-Are you sure? Is there anything I can do?” I shook my head, not wanting any form of payment. “Well...if you think of something, let me know. You’ve done a lot for us cadets.”

“I try...” Meekly laughing, I was a little embarrassed, but smiled.

“I think I’m going to get dinner, you coming?”

Shaking my head, I said, “Not just yet, but we will.”

Thanking me one last time, Jean turned, arms still crossed. “He’s right you know.”

“About what?”

“You do help a lot of the cadets when they ask for it. And... you don’t really get something for it.”

“I help because I want to. Is there something wrong with that?” My eyes widened as I considered the possibility that people could be using me, but, if so, why?

Noticing my expression, Jean’s cheeks turned pink. “N-No, no! I think it’s great you go out of your way for others. Just...don’t forget about you, ok?” Gently knocking his fist against my head, I swatted his hand away and smoothed my hair.

“I won’t because you’ll be there to remind me, Jean.”

“Ema, Jean!”

Noticing our names being called, we turned our heads and saw Marco walking in our direction, smiling as he usually did. “Hey, you’ve been out here awhile. Either of you hungry? I’m headed to the Mess Hall now.”

“I could eat!” Jean exclaimed and I nodded. If we waiting any longer, we probably wouldn’t get anything until breakfast. Walking into the Mess Hall, we grabbed our plates and drinks, heading towards our usual table. Sasha waved as I passed her, as she was sitting with Connie and Christa, along with Ymir, of course. Sitting, I consumed several bites of the potato soup, desperately wishing I could get my hands on some meat. We sat in silence, all three of us taking our time to eat before it grew cold, and, as usual, Marco was the one to instigate our conversation. 

“So, what’d you guys think of training today?”

Marco was speaking about Shadis readying us for the trial we had in two days. We would travel to Trost in the morning and be tested on what we’d been training on since the exam the day after, putting our strength, knowledge and stamina into a planned titan attack. We would be broken into teams and were assigned a specific segment of the district, directed to eliminate as many titans as we could in an allotted timeframe, while protecting the citizens. The Cadet Corps, it’s administrators that is, had been working with the Garrison Regiment in planning this strategy as an evacuation drill. 

“It’ll be different, that’s for sure,” I answered, sipping more soup.

“Very true,” Marco mumbled. “We’re used to training here. Who knows what it’ll be like within the city?”

“No difference, really. A changed environment, sure, but the goals the same.”

“But we’ll have to worry about the citizens, as this is a drill.”

“We’re being prepared for the possibility of another titan attack.”

“You think there’ll be another attack?”

I shrugged my shoulders, pushing the possibility into the depths of my mind. “Who knows? We’re more prepared than three years ago, but...it’s different when you’re in front of the real thing.”

Marco and I continued to converse about the upcoming drill; it would be a unique experience for us cadets but something caught my attention. I noticed Jean hadn’t mentioned a comment, not once joining the discussion. We both looked in his direction, a stern frown growing on his face as he stirred his bowl. Touching his shoulder, Jean narrowed his glare in my direction as I recoiled my hand. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he muttered. 

“Jean,” Marco said. “Come on, what’s going on?”

“...I don’t want to go home,” he breathed, ripping apart his bread and shoving the pieces in his mouth. 

“Is that what this is?” Marco asked and I blinked. _That’s it? He didn’t want to go home? What the hell?_

“Jean?” I asked timidly, not sure what was rolling through his mind.

“Ema.”

“What’s...if I may, what’s wrong with going back home, to Trost?”

Tearing more bread, I could see his anger boiling underneath his fingers. “My mother...”

Marco glanced at me from across the table, neither of us understanding. Sure, Jean had complained about his mother since training began, but why would that anger him in such a way? “Umm...” Trying to think of what to say, I decided to keep quiet, remembering such a time when I didn’t want to speak on personal matters. “I mean no disrespect, I just...didn’t understand. But we’re there for a drill, so we’ll be busy the entire time, right?” Glancing at Marco, I asked again, “Right?”

“R-Right!” Marco mumbled, spooning more soup into his mouth. Biting his lip, Jean shook his head and ruffled his already messed up hair before disheveling mine. Groaning, I smoothed my hair and watched as Jean’s smile slowly returned, but it wasn’t the same. But I knew the one he wore. 

Jean was agitated. 

I didn’t understand why; what transpired between earlier and now? It was only once Marco mentioned our drill in Trost when Jean just...shut down, much how I used to do – well, sometimes still do. Sitting there, slowly rotating my spoon around the remainder of my dinner, I couldn’t help but wonder: Jean was born and raised in Trost, but stated he didn’t want to go home, where I assume his mother is. Pondering on the small amount of info my friend has shared, I couldn’t pinpoint a connection. That is, until the light switched brightly on within my brain, igniting a multitude of questions I hadn’t considered previously.

_Has Jean ever mentioned his father?_ I wondered. 

No, I’m fairly certain he hasn’t.

Thinking of all the times I mentioned my own father, Jean never seemed to react in a negative manner. Then again, I’ve well versed in hiding my true thoughts while providing the opposite façade to please society. 

_DING, DING, DING!_

Raising my head, the other cadets surrounding our table stood to their feet and returned their plates before leaving. Following Jean and Marco, we exited into the cool night and I stretched my limbs. The three of us chatted for a few minutes, but my yawning proved to be too much before I found myself wishing my boys a good night’s sleep. Returning the gesture, I could feel one set of golden eyes follow my trail, making my way towards the female dorm I resided in; my gaze lingered on the back of Jean’s head just as he’d turned towards the male dorm. There were other females inside as well and I quickly changed into something comfortable before climbing into my top bunk, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders. I wanted to sleep, I needed to sleep. 

But sleep continued to evade me. 

Listening to the other female cadet’s converse between each other was something I grew accustomed too, but the only conversation I paid any attention to was the one raging in my head. 

Why hasn’t Jean every mentioned his father?

Why doesn’t he want to return to Trost?

Why doesn’t he want to see his mother?

Why, why, _why?_

It took some time with the same thoughts circling around each other inside my mind, but I was finally able to feel my eyes droop. Rolling onto my side and holding the pillow close, there was one remaining thought which lingered. One single thought instantly pulled a tear from within, trailing down my cheek and sealed my eyes shut for the rest of the night.

_Must be nice to have a place to call home._

~ oOo ~

The following morning was spent rising bright and early, watching the other female cadets within my dorm try to gain a few more minutes of sleep while others were drowsy as they dressed. As someone used to early mornings, I was already dressed and packed with the required necessities we were to bring. From my peripherals, I could see Sasha throw the sheet over her head and I gently shook her shoulder, promising my friend half my bread if she would wake up. Sasha’s eyes shot open as she hurriedly stretched, our uniform thrown over her body as she perfected the leather straps across her legs. 

“You’ll seriously give me your bread?!” Her excitement in the morning caused others to glare but I chuckled. 

“I said I’d give you _half_ , Sasha.”

“That’s better than nothing!” As we were the first to be ready, we left our bags and headed towards the Mess Hall. Surprisingly, Jean and Marco were waiting outside the doors for us and we all ate the morning meal, waiting patiently for our orders to leave.

It was an uneventful morning as the directors, Commander Shadis and all the cadets trekked from the training grounds towards Trost. I saddled Freyja but walked with my friends, my horse occasionally nudging my shoulder, wanting to play an prance around. Humoring her, I jumped on her back and strode around the path to Trost; others stared and others scorned, but my focus ignored their whispers insinuating I was lazy, refusing to walk while the others were forced to. 

Hell, my steed needed her exercise too. 

My ears ignored what they wanted to say. There hadn’t been any physical assaults in the last several months as the females who bullied me had been discharged, but some cadets still avoided me altogether. Jean and Marco thought it was because they were threatened by me, thereby separated themselves without having to deal with me, either as a soldier-in-training, or me personally. Whatever the reasoning, I let it go. Originally, I joined the Cadet Corps to grow stronger, to save humanity, not to make friends. 

But here I was, nearly halfway through our training and my three best friends surrounded me each and every day, trying to protect me from those who thought I was a threat in their ability to strive for the Top Ten. 

Though there were cadets who ignored me, but since my accident, cadets who I hadn’t spoken with came forth and we began conversing, my circle of friends growing day by day. Some were friendly and sought advice while others wanted a friendship, and I was finally confident in my ability to bond with other individuals. 

One especially was Eren Jaeger. 

It wasn’t a strong friendship, but since I trained, ate meals, and spoke with Mikasa and Armin almost daily, Eren was there and we became as “friendly” as could be. There were others I was surprised who wanted to know me and spend time outside of training. Who were they?

Reiner Braun;

Bertholdt Hoover;

Mikasa Ackerman;

Armin Arlert;

Eren Jaeger;

Connie Springer;

Christa Lenz – and with Christa came Ymir;

Thomas Wagner and Mina Carolina.

Even as I switched between walking and riding my horse, I was happy thinking of those becoming close to me on friendly terms; there was relief growing from my ability to reach outward towards others, and a comfort I’d nearly forgotten. Jean, Marco and Sasha were the only three I could truly confide in. My trust was expanding, I wanted to be around others, something I’d lost when my parents passed. 

When I was rescued by the Scouts, I had grown close to those within the Regiment, but they were older, experienced, and in a different league. I wasn’t around those my age; even living in my village, I wasn’t close to any children. I didn’t know how to be social, not wanting anything to do outside of taking care of the horses. 

All my thoughts were put on hold when Commander Shadis ordered us to attention. Standing in proper formation, our hands in salute, Shadis addressed us as he walked back and forth, his intense gaze sweeping over every individual. Moving my head when I had a chance, my sight acknowledged we were near Wall Rose, roughly a quarter mile from the gate leading into Trost District.

“Cadets! We are nearing Trost District, to which the evacuation drill will commence tomorrow morning. We have arrived here one day early because I have been most gracious to provide you with one day to relax and traverse the district before the drill. But let this be a warning: just because you are soldiers-in-training, do **_NOT_** disrespect me, yourselves or the Military. Curfew will remain the same, but I suggest remaining with Headquarters as not to pull yourselves into any sort of trouble. Any questions?!”

“No questions, sir!”

Satisfied, we were lead the remaining way towards the gate, and once we passed through, we were met with crowds looking in our direction, obviously aware what was to take place the following morning. I couldn’t help but glance from person to person. Growing up within a small village, the aspect of a city held a different perspective that my experiences. A different change, Trost District was where I had lived for two years before joining the Cadet Corps, but I still preferred the country. The open plains, grassy hills, and a clear, blue sky that wasn’t obstructed by the frightening height of the walls structured to keep its residents alive. 

But what did obstruct my view was the stone superstructure that was the Headquarters for the Southern Garrison Regiment and the Scouts. Smiling at the building, I knew I wouldn’t see my friends from the Scouts as they were conducting their own training elsewhere. Those who had never been to Trost gawked at the view, the Headquarters from the other Districts were smaller, as the titans drew from the south, pinpointing the area around Trost to be the point of interest. 

Boots clanking against the cobblestone pathways, it took some time for almost two-hundred cadets to trek their way towards our destination, but also be checked and taken towards their room. One floor was set aside for females and two floors down was for males, with the directors and Commander on the floor in between.

_Very smart, Shadis,_ I thought, snickering. 

Once all cadets were checked in, dropped their belongings to their room, I secured Freyja in her pen at the stables before making way towards my room. I had changed from the uniform into something comfortable as we had the rest of the day to ourselves. Removing the straps and outer jacket, I donned dark pants, my military boots, with a basic shirt that was a bit too big, the cloth falling over my shoulders if I wasn’t careful. Wondering around, I found Sasha and we made our way towards the Mess Hall, finding Jean and Marco along the way. Guiding them where to go, we eventually found the other cadets enjoying their lunch as we obtained ours, sitting at the table with Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie. The three nodded in our direction and I smiled, enjoying the company I was with; Connie soon joined not long after, taking the seat opposite of Sasha. 

Grabbing a spoonful, Connie asked, “Did you guys look at the drill packet?” Sasha and I shook our heads; I wanted to wait until later, but apparently, our male friends had already done so.

“I did,” Jean answered, his tone slightly dismal.

“Me too,” was Marco’s answer. “I guess you girls don’t know which team you’re on.”

“And you do?” I snickered, taking a bite as the three males nodded, looking at each other. 

“Sasha, you’re on my team, as well as Marco,” Connie stated.

“Yahoo!” The girl yelled, throwing her arms into the air. 

“Which leaves Emalina...” Connie started, but was interrupted by Jean.

“On my team,” Jean finished, his golden eyes seeking hers. 

Eyebrows raised, I smiled and leaned across the table to high-five Jean, who, surprisingly, met me with the same enthusiasm, the chin eating grin plastered on his face. _There’s the smile I know, Jean._

“Ya know, you and Jean are always on the same team, Emalina. Have you noticed?”

Nodding, I shrugged, not caring one way or the other. “Yeah, so?”

“It’s just strange!” The short male stated, flinging food into his mouth. 

“Maybe the Commander places us together because we work well with one another,” I answered, smiling at the comment. Did Shadis really placed us on the same team every time?

“I second that,” Jean agreed, knocking our cups together as if we were giving a toast. 

“Me three!” Marco exclaimed.

“Me fourth!” Sasha filled in, mouth filled with bread and potatoes.

All heads turned to Connie who rolled his eyes. “I actually have to agree. You both do work really well together.”

“Hehe, told you. So! Who else is on our teams?”

“You’re lookin’ at em, Emalina.” Came a voice from down the table. Reiner waved his hand with a bright smile while Annie stared nonchalantly towards the rest of us. 

“Wait, which team?” I asked. 

“Ours,” Marco answered. “At least Reiner is, Annie and Armin are on yours.”

“Oh nice! It’ll be good to work with you, Annie,” I smiled, but she rolled her eyes. 

“Sure, whatever.”

“Oh, come on now. Show a little more excitement,” Connie said. 

“Excitement for what? An evacuation drill for something that may, or may not, happen again. So what’s the point?”

“But that’s why it’s a drill, Annie.” Biting into my bread, I wasn’t surprised the rest of the table turned their eyes on me.

Bertholdt, at the far end, was the only one to speak as he questioned me with, “You seem confident there will be another attack.”

Chuckling, my head shook, a low voice escaped my lips when I looked at the tall cadet through the corner of my eye. “When you witness the death of loved ones, you begin to question what caused the attack. I’ve had three years to look back and wonder what happened, why did the titans suddenly attack?” The table grew quiet, my three close friends new my story, but the others didn’t know what to say.

“Emalina, did you...” Reiner couldn’t finish his statement, but I knew what he wanted to ask

“You just get to thinking. It took one-hundred years for the titans to breach the wall. And it wasn’t just one but two, so we had to completely abandon the area between Wall Maria and Wall Rose. Coincidences like that don’t just happen; they’re planned.” With the table still silent, I regretted even bringing the topic up, but it needed to be mentioned; someone needed to state there was a reason for the drill. I didn’t know Annie’s story nor the reason for her passive attitude, but the girl needed to face the truth. 

_“Cadet Varlen!”_

Craning my neck around, the others did the same, wondering who and where my name was being called from. Other cadets within the hall whispered back and forth, some searching for me while I continued eating.

_“EMALINA VARLEN!”_

“Oh dear god...” I whispered. “What the hell is going on?!”

The doors leading into the hall burst open, bashing against the stone, causing an echo and reverberated against the entire Mess Hall. Several individuals gasped but the entire cadets fell silent as Dita Ness clutched the door handle, gasping, his face beat red, eyes searching across the wooden tables. Dropping the utensils, I leapt from my seat at the table, my voice now echoing across the hall. “Dita!”

Running to his side, I touched his shoulder and bent down, watching as the man breathed in deeply before standing straight. “Emalina! Thank god I found you!”

“Dita, what’s going on?!” At this point, all the cadets stopped eating, their focus on the two of us, questioning the commotion. The people at my table stood, watching as my focus was on Annamarie’s assistant, the Team Leader for his own squad, but focused on working with the stables. 

“I need your help! Annamarie is away with the other Scouts out on their training, but...but...!” Holding a finger, the man took a few more seconds to catch his breath, the redness visibly decreasing in his cheeks. “Midnight’s in labor!”

_“WHAT?!”_ My screech echoed across the stone hall, several individuals covering her ears. At hearing the tone of my voice, Jean and Marco quickly moved from the table to my side, watching my frantic expression. Taking a deep breath, I shrieked, “How?! She’s not due for another few weeks!”

“As if I know! I thought she was showing signs of labor earlier, but it was nothing! I’ve checked on her throughout the day, and over the last hour she’s been restless and has been counting. You know she doesn’t do that. We need you, Emalina! Annamarie’s the one who assists with the births, but she’s not here!”

“DITA! Calm down, take a deep breath, everything will be alright. Now, are you calm?” I asked slowly and the man nodded. “Good, this is what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna help Midnight give birth and make sure the foal is healthy. Alright?”

“A-Alright.”

“Now, you know I have the experience so this is what we’re going to do: I’m going to assist with the birth and you’re going to get what we need. Capiche?” Dita nodded in agreement, his shoulders losing tension as they sagged in relief. “Now, let’s go help birth a foal.” Running off ahead of me, I looked towards Jean and Marco, finally noticing there was a larger crowd around me, all staring intently, wondering what my actions would be next.

“Emalina, are you really going to assist with a birth?” Christa peered around Ymir, her eyes glistening with wonder, and as her first question was asked, I was bombarded by others.

“You’ve helped to birth a horse before?!”

“You can really do that?”

“That just sounds nasty.”

“Ymir!”

Groaning, I stepped up and quickly said, “Guys look, this is really serious so I’ll answer any questions later. You’re welcome to watch but we need to go!” Following closely behind, we maneuvered through the winding hallways until we found ourselves outside and I rushed towards the stables, Jean the only one able to keep up with my speed. Moving through the stalls, I found Dita at the end, stall open as he petted Midnight along her snout. 

“Dita? How is she?”

“She seems pretty calm now, but was restless when I got here.”

“Ok. Let’s see...” Looking around her current pen, I decided a change needed to happen. “First thing’s first we need to move her, this pen’s way too small.” Opening the birthing stall across from the pen Midnight was already in, I inspected and determined it was clean enough, as we were possibly running out of time. “Dita, I need you to get as much hay as you can. The floor needs to be covered and there needs to be enough protection for the foal against the stone.” Looking towards my friends, they were watching me intently as I asked, “Does anyone want to help? If so, please go with Dita and grab as much hay, please!” Reiner, Bertholdt, Christa and Ymir nodded before following the Team Leader. Walking towards the storage, I grabbed two clean buckets, handing them to Mina and Thomas. “Both of you, please take these around the stable to the well. Rinse the bucket first and fill it with as much water as you can.”

“Of course!” Mina said as she and Thomas left. 

Glancing back into the birthing stall, I felt a hand on my shoulder as Jean’s voice soothed my hair. “Ema, is everything gonna be alright?”

“I’m hoping so, that’s why I’m taking extra precautions. Horses obviously give birth in the wild on their own, but Midnight...she’s a tough one.” Dita and the others brought in several wheelbarrows and we all packed the floor with hay. When Mina and Thomas came back, I clipped a bucket against the wall, tall enough for Midnight and then one on the floor just in case. 

My chest heaved to and fro, watching my friends assist with the unexpected situation; hell, even Annie was there, hands full of hay as she passed some between Jean and Reiner. The tapping of boots caught my attention and I saw Eren, Mikasa and Armin making their way towards me. “Emalina, we heard the commotion from the other cadets. What’s going on?” Armin asked as they neared. 

“One of the mares has gone into early labor and I’m the only one who can help.” With the floor covered in every inch, I asked the cadets to take a few steps back and grabbed a lead rope, walking into Midnight’s pen, speaking softly. “Hey they Midnight. Goodness, you’re so pretty, aren’t you?” Leveling my hand with her nose, I allowed to horse to remember my scent as her ears perked forward, her memory of me coming back. Tackling the rope to her harness, I gently pulled the mare out of her stall and into the much larger one, her hooves clanking against the cobblestone.

_Music to my ears,_ I thought happily. 

Removing the rope and harness, I placed the items on a hook outside the door, which was left open, peering eyes observing my moves. Grabbing her tail, I turned to Dita. “Hey, hand me the cloth wraps from the storage.” Once he did so, I began braiding the tail when Marco’s voice filled the silence.

“What’re you doing that for, Ema?”

“I’m braiding her tail and will wrap it in cloth. This helps so her tail won’t cause any possible complications.” With the tail braided, I tenderly folded it in half and wrapped it in cloth, tying it firmly, but not too tightly. Walking around Midnight, I backed away when she moved around, her hooves scratching at the hay before walking around some more. As she stopped, I raised her tail and inspected her vulva. “Yep, she should be going into labor pretty soon.”

“How can you tell? Isn’t it the same when women give birth?” Reiner asked. 

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his innocent ignorance. “No, not really Reiner. Birth in general comes in several stages for most mammals. For horses, it begins several days prior. Her utter begins filling with milk, her teats begin to secrete liquid to prepare so the foal can drink, and the mare’s vulva will loosen and become relaxed, allowing room for the baby to move through.” Seeing the redness appear on all the male faces, even Dita’s, Emalina couldn’t help but shake her head. “Seriously? What’re you guys gonna do once you marry and your wives goes into labor?”

None answered, which I didn’t expect them to. Behind me, Midnight whinnied and neighed, her nose pushing against me as I petted her face, moving down towards her belly. Beneath my fingers, the foal thumped against my hand, just like a baby kicking within its mother’s tummy. Looking at my friends, I couldn’t help but smile. “You guys wanna feel? The baby is kicking.”

Most shook their heads, even the females, but Jean, much to my surprise, took a tentative step forward, moving closer to my body. Grabbing his hand, I placed it where mine was, eyes watching his fingers, waiting, and waiting.

_Thump._

Eyes widening, Jean smiled, wanting to feel more.

_Thump, thump._

“Oh my god,” he whispered. Looking at me he smiled even more. “Ema...this is...incredible.”

Before I could reply, Midnight kicked her back legs and moved rapidly. I pulled Jean back towards the door; the mare knew what she needed and I wasn’t going to prevent her from doing what was most comfortable. She rolled on the ground, quickly stood, nipped at her pregnant belly and rolled on the ground once more. Laying still, Midnight whinnied, her eyes seeking mine as I moved closer, kneeling and placed her head upon my lap, gently brushing the thick mane away from her face; I could feel all eyes on me, glancing through the open door or the feeding window, but I was where I was meant to be. 

I was meant to be surrounded by horses. 

“Ema...? Earlier you stated Midnight’s a tough one. What’d you mean?”

Without glancing in his direction, I answered Jean’s question with moisture collecting behind my eyes. “Midnight’s...had two pregnancies before this one. Her first was a miscarriage and her second was a stillborn.”

“A stillborn?” Eren’s voice rang through when I finally glanced up. 

“Yes, a stillborn is when a baby dies any time after twenty weeks but before birth. In Midnight’s case, she carried her foal full term, but it was born dead. I’m...hoping she has a chance with this one.”

When the last word left my lips, both ears perked when the sound of fluid popped, Ymir quickly making note. “Ohh, gross! There’s liquid dripping from her...thingy!” The others sought what she was looking at as they made the same noise of protest. Midnight rose once more, pawing the floor with her hoof, the tone of distress releasing from her lips. Rushing towards the storage, I grabbed elbow length gloves, wiggling my hands and arms through each one, attempting to avoid touching anything other than Midnight and her baby. 

“Not much longer!” I stated excitedly, as Dita stood close by the door, observing my techniques. 

“I really owe you one, Emalina.,” he said, his voice shuttering as he noticed the amount of liquid dripping from the back of Midnight’s legs. 

“You owe me nothing, Dita. This is what I was raised to do. Hey Sasha? Can you grab the hair tie from my back pocket and pull my hair up?”

“Sure thing!” Finding what she needed, I stood still as my friend pulled my hair tight and away from my face as the long locks were placed into a ponytail. I muttered a thanks as I walked towards Midnight.

“But...what’re the gloves for...?” Bertholdt asked, his eyes somewhat sunken and concerned. 

I smiled; it was sweet my friends were curious and asking questions. “There’s always a chance the baby could be stuck in the womb, which I come into play. If needed, I’ll reposition the foal so it can move through the birthing canal.”

“You mean...you’re gonna stick your hands up her...?” Sasha paled and I simply nodded. 

“You are brave, Emalina,” Connie stated, trying to avert his eyes, but curiosity still grabbed his attention. Armin and Eren agreed whereas Annie and Mikasa remained quiet, eyes speaking in lieu of their voices. 

“It’s not about being brave, Connie.” Grabbing the mare’s tail, I checked her vulva, seeing it more relaxed, a small tuff of black hair visible. “Think about it, I’m doing exactly what a doctor would be doing if a woman was delivering a human baby. Which I’ve done too, by the way.”

“What?!” everyone exclaimed. A rampage of questions blew in my face but I raised a hand, not wanting to deal with that memory in my current situation. 

“Nope, that’s a separate story, leave it be.”

Crying, Midnight tightened her legs, dropping down and rolled onto her side. Assuming correct that position was how she was going to give birth, I knelt to my knees as well, gently rubbing her flank, whispering soft words of encouragement, regardless that Midnight didn’t understand my language. Muscles contracting, pushing and pulling, I could see the tuff of black hair being pushed forth and I smiled. 

“Come on Midnight! That’s a good girl!” But she stopped pushing, her cries growing louder as the beat of drums pounded in my head. Squeezing my eyes, I lowered my hand to her stomach, feeling the foal inside and I released a sigh when I could still sense it move. Sucking in as much air as my lungs allowed, I let it all go, muttering, “I’m sorry sweetie, but this is for your own good.”

Easing my hand through the vulva, my friends squealed, disproving my actions as they muttered amongst themselves. For obvious reasons, it was a tight squeeze and I was able to push my arm in until I felt the issue. 

“What’s going on Emalina?!” Dita hollered in a nervous racket. 

“It’ll be ok guys. One of the front legs was bent, preventing Midnight was pushing her foal through.” As gentle as I could, I unbent the baby leg and pulled it forward, so the foal was fully straight. Holding onto the baby, I guided Midnight to push the baby as she contracted her muscles with everything she had. “Come on Midnight!”

The others began chanting her name as well, their voices soft, but echoed throughout the stall. When the foal was close enough, I removed my arm just as the legs and snout nudged forward. Hands caged around the front legs just in case as Midnight was contracting and pressing with all her might to bring the foal she deserved into this world, the world we were frightened of, but was brightened by occasions such as this. 

Gradually being released, the foal finally entered this world with a final gush of energy and liquid from its mother; falling into my arms, I softly placed the baby against the hay. Encased in the thick membrane, I tore through the lining, removing it from the foal’s face down towards its back legs. Both my male and female friends gasped when the baby was released into its new world, their vision seeing a beautiful black and white foal lying upon the straw, blood covering its tiny body. All I could see was a tiny horse I needed to save, needing to give Midnight a chance to raise an offspring that was hers. 

But the foal wasn’t breathing.

“Dita! Give me a cloth!”

Hearing the urgency of my voice, I was given what I need as the cheering behind me died down. Whipping away any blood and liquid, my fingers focused on removing possible blockage from the nostrils. No visible traces could be seen before laying the foal completely on its stomach, legs stretched and head flat against the floor. 

_“Breathe!”_ I yelled, my anger taken against the air my lungs refused to accept. Refusing to accept the possible fate, I slammed my fist against the ground before subsiding any fury as my hand going against the feeble ribcage, gently pressing and rubbing in circles, craving its lungs to work, to give it life!

“Please...” I said weakly, voice wobbly, losing its strength. Midnight whinnied, her cry evident as she tried to turn her body around, the umbilical cord still connected, the afterbirth having not been shed. Not knowing what else to do, I raised my head, finding Jean’s eyes through the crowd, his fingers tightened around the door when he noted my tears. Not knowing what else to do as the seconds ticked by, there was only one technique I could do. 

It was something my father had done.

Sitting, I brushed my knuckles over the foal’s cheek, my mouth twitching, unable to accept the visible truth. “Emalina...” Dita called from behind, but I ignored him. His voice reverberated, he knew the likelihood was low, but I would not allow Midnight to suffer. 

And so, I sang.

_“You are my sunshine,_

_My only sunshine._

_You make me happy,_

_When skies are gray._

_You’ll never know dear,_

_How much I love you._

_So please don’t take,_

_My sunshine away.”_

I repeated the same verse several times, even when my knee was being nudged. Whatever was happening, I didn’t want to cause a commotion with excitement or loud noises. I slowed my voice, allowing the silence of the room to intensify. I held my breath, fingers stilling against its ribcage, that was rising up and down. Gasping, I held some fingers close to its nose, the fresh wave of newborn breath fell across my skin. 

“It’s breathing....” I whispered. “It’s breathing!”

Hoots and hollers erupted from my friends as the foal head began to move, her dark, black eyes blinking as she looked up at me and I smiled at the beautiful creature on my lap. Neighing, Midnight stood, breaking off the umbilical cord from her foal, kneeling her head down and licked her baby’s face. 

“Ema, what’s the gender?”

Looking up at Jean, I smiled so wide my cheeks burned. Leaning down, I inspected the foal and said, “It’s a girl.” My friends cooed and awed as they cheered, giving different compliments one by one. 

Reiner said, “You’re unbelievably awesome Emalina!”

“None of us could’ve done that!” was Bertholdt’s voice.

“That was so cool” cried Mina.

“There’s so much more we didn’t know about you!” stated Thomas.

“You really were meant to work with horses, huh?” said Christa.

“I guess you did do good,” came Ymir.

Armin and Eren cheered as Mikasa actually spoke. “Beauty does exist in this world.”

“My best friend’s so cool!” Sasha jumped up and down as she and Connie hopped around. I could see Jean and Marco look at one another behind glancing at me. They already knew what I could do, but I guess I had never stated I’ve assisted with live births. People sure do learn something new every day.

Dita walked towards me and placed his hand on my shoulder, gripping it tightly. “Emalina Varlen, you are...a lifesaver. Be proud of where you came from.” His words quieted my friends down, they knew about my village and how it was terrorized by the titans. 

“I’m very proud, Dita. Thank you.”

“I think...you should be the one to name the foal.” Everyone behind the Team Leader agreed as I stared wide-eyed. 

“Oh no sir, I couldn’t possibly...!”

“Yes, Emalina, you deserve it. Though this is how you were raised, not many people can do what you have done today.” Dita smiled and I knew the man would not take no for an answer. 

“Oh goodness, a name?” Watching the sweet girl attempting to stand, she wobbled several times before standing to her full height. Midnight, stood close by, gently nudging her little girl here and there, cleaning off her face of any remaining mess from the birth. The foal was a beautiful ebony color, just like her mother, with spots of white across her body, occasional small tuffs of white brushed over her body, immediately making me think of the starry sky. “Galaxy,” was whispered from my mouth. Looking at Dita, I stated the name again. “I want to name her Galaxy.”

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Jean

_What a day it has been,_ I thought. Running my hands through my hair, a groan released from my throat; the agitation was back despite the happiness I held earlier.

Staring emptily at my meal, my fingers twirled around the bowl of soup before moving my line of sight around the Mess Hall. It was fairly packed with the other cadets, some out in the training grounds some already in their rooms for the night. Annie and Armin sat across as we had discussed the drill that would begin the following morning; Emalina had been with us but was speaking with others as they continued to question about earlier that afternoon.

Having the opportunity to observe Emalina assist with the pregnant horse this afternoon was...unbelievable. From the moment the Scout Team leader stated the situation, she remained calm, cool and collected, knowing exactly what needed to be done. Hell, I had the chance to touch the horse’s stomach and feel the baby before it was born. And then to see Emalina act and ensure the foal was breathing and lived? _And some people have said that Christa is a goddess._

My gaze moved to find Emalina speaking with Eren and his friends.

Ema’s more than a goddess. She’s...the embodiment of perfection. 

Marco and I remained by her side, helping where we could while the others left after some time. Emalina was adamant that it was better for the foal, Galaxy, to be exposed to less people until she was a few days old. There was more that needed to be done to ensure the birth for Midnight was safe and we waited patiently, following her back to her personal quarters to be given the chance to shower and change. 

By the time we were all gathered in the Mess Hall, it was dinner, and this is where we had been for the last hour.

Ema, Armin, Annie and myself spent some time conversing about the drill, formation and other strategies we thought would benefit ourselves. When we reached a point all of us were confident, we finished our meal in silence; and here I was, my agitation growing by the second without a distraction to remove my mind from being brought back to this hell hole.

Trost District was my hometown and the place I was raised until leaving for the Military the year prior. Before, this used to be a place I could explore and feel at home, knowing my parents would be home each night as I fell asleep exhausted. Dreams were all I envisioned as a child, convinced I couldn’t be touched, that I was indestructible and nothing could shatter my world. 

Oh, how wrong I was. 

“Son of a...” I mumbled, noticing my elbow knocked over my water mug as its contents dripped from the table and landed on my pants. Cursing, I patted my leg, knowing nothing would dry the material yet and I sighed, inwardly angry at my mistake. 

“Is Jean Kirschtein here?”

Glancing at the door opening to the hall, I could see Emalina look at me than the door. Someone wanted her this afternoon and now me? What was going on? Standing, I moved quickly to the Garrison soldier stating my name. “Yes sir! I am he!

“Your mother is here to speak to you.” My mother?

_Wait... **WHAT?!**_

The Garrison solider was right as my mother walked through the door and down the steps straight towards me. If my eyes could widen even more they would pop right out. “Jeanie-boy!” tentatively I stepped backwards, confusion and irritation wracking my brain as my mother touched my shoulder. “Jeanie-boy, why haven’t you come home yet? Mrs. Wagner’s little boy has already come home!” She sighed and shook her head. “You really are a problem child. Huh? Did you spill soup on yourself or something? You can be so clumsy at times.” I slapped my mother’s hand away as she bent to dab the wet material with her handkerchief. 

“Stop that!” I yelled, eyes flaring before narrowing in her direction. My poor mother’s face contorted in anguish, and for a split second, I already regretted my words. 

“But, Jean...” she tried to state, though my head was already shaking. Her face, her voice, I couldn’t endure; she needed to leave. 

“It’s fine! Just go home already!”

Shock crossed her face before her hands pulled several bright apples from her basket, placing them on the table. Seeing her generosity only ignited the irritation boiling my blood. “Then...These are for everyone –” she said cautiously.

My arm swept over the table, tossing the food to the ground, seething at the woman. How dare she barge in here like this! I’m not a fucking child anymore! “You don’t need to do that!”

“Jeanie-boy!” Stepping back, my mother’s body shook, the sudden realization as he son wanted nothing to do with her. But the woman did not know when to shut up and leave. “I-I know he’s a problem child, but can everyone please be friends with him?” Digging through the basket again, she pulled forth a bento box as she muttered, “Oh, I almost forgot, Jeanie-boy, I brought your favorite.”

“Just go home!” Pulling her arm to the top of the stairs, I shoved my mother through the hall doors and slammed them shut. Teeth grinding, my fingers were curled into fists so tightly I was fairly certain I would have crescent shaped cuts along my palms later that night. Controlling my breathing to a regular rhythm, the agitation wouldn’t subside.

“You should be nicer to your mom, Jeanie-boy – ah, I mean Jean,” Eren says calmly, standing straight from picking the apples from the floor. Moving to face the cadet, my eyes still narrowed, I opened my mouth to yell at the suicidal maniac when Emalina appeared in my peripherals, making her way up the stairs in my direction. Just seeing her beauty grace my vision could vanish the ill feelings coursing my being, engulfing my senses until the darkness momentarily vanished. 

I closed my lips as she opened hers, a dangerous growl erupted from her mouth as she stated my name, her words laced with rage and a violence Emalina rarely exerted. “Jean Kirschtein!” Approaching my side, my female friend merely stood, her blue eyes darkening to a shade I’d never seen. I wanted to formulate a question, but something scolded my conscious to keep my lips tightly shut; typically, my conscious was right, and this moment was no different. It wasn’t until Emalina moved with rapid speed as her hand caressed my cheek in a kiss of skin against skin. The electrical blow of her palm left behind a scorching sting as it reverberated against the stone hall, vibrating my ears, forcing my head to turn without permission. 

_“YOU...YOU IDIOT!!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for those who watched Hey Arnold, the episode where he sings to the sick horse is where I got the idea to sing to the foal as the technique Emalina’s father used. I take no credit for that.
> 
> Please review and let me know what you thought.
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	7. You’re Too Damn Important

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It’s chapters like these that take me forever to edit. Which makes me wonder why it’s so easy to write chapters that are easily over 10,000 words for this story.
> 
> Going through previous chapters, I noticed how I didn’t mention in Chapter 5 that I DO NOT OWN the song Emalina sings towards the end. The song, if some don’t know, is “Call of Silence,” which is from AoT Season 2. I wanted to make note now that I hold no copyright and am simply using a song reference from the AoT anime.
> 
> There are spoilers ahead, so if you haven’t seen the OVA Episode 3.25 “The Sudden Visitor: The Tortuous Curse of Youth,” you have been warned. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me. I only own Emalina and any other OC’s.

**_Previously on Silence Has Been My Only Friend_ **

_“You should be nicer to your mom, Jeanie-boy – ah, I mean Jean,” Eren says calmly, standing straight from picking the apples from the floor. Moving to face the cadet, my eyes still narrowed, I opened my mouth to yell at the suicidal maniac when Emalina appeared in my peripherals, making her way up the stairs in my direction. Just seeing her beauty grace my vision could vanish the ill feelings coursing my being, engulfing my senses until the darkness momentarily vanished._

_I closed my lips as she opened hers, a dangerous growl erupted from her mouth as she stated my name, her words laced with rage and a violence Emalina rarely exerted. “Jean Kirschtein!” Approaching my side, my female friend merely stood, her blue eyes darkening to a shade I’d never seen. I wanted to formulate a question, but something scolded my conscious to keep my lips tightly shut; typically, my conscious was right, and this moment was no different. It wasn’t until Emalina moved with rapid speed as her hand caressed my cheek in a kiss of skin against skin. The electrical blow of her palm left behind a scorching sting as it reverberated against the stone hall, vibrating my ears, forcing my head to turn without permission._

_“YOU...YOU IDIOT!!”_

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Emalina

My hand was frozen in place, still in the air after my skin collided against Jean’s cheek, the stinging of my palm the only notification that I had just struck my best friend. As the cliché goes, a pin drop could be heard across the Mess Hall as it was that silent. I dared not glance at those surrounding us, knowing our comrades were switching their gazes between the Jean and I. Who were they to look at? Me, the one who struck my friend? Or Jean, the one whose fists were tightening at his side. Inhaling a deep breath, I finally lowered my hand, not knowing what else to do.

“Emalina...” His voice was so quiet, our eyes seeking each other. “Ema, I’m sorry,” he pleaded.

Shaking my head, I grasped the door handle, clenching and unclenching my fingers as I decided how to answer. Before I exited the hall, my voice was able to mutter, “I’m not the one who needs to hear your apology, Jean.” With the door slamming shut behind me, I inhaled another breath before quickly moving my feet through the winding corridors of Headquarters, searching for Mrs. Kirschtein. It didn’t take my long before I saw the edge of her skirt whisk around a corner as I jogged to catch up with her, my voice echoing against the stone.

“Mrs. Kirschtein!” 

The women froze as she turned at the call of her name, noticing me as I stopped in front of her. I could see the redness surrounding her eyes and though I didn’t know the woman, I suddenly wanted to give her a hug. Timidly, she asked, “Yes...? Can I help you?”

“My name’s Emalina, I’m a friend of your son, Jean.”

The mere mention of _friend_ and _Jean_ in the same sentence had the woman’s eyes brightened instantly. “Oh, oh my! Truly? Wait...you, you said your name was Emalina, correct?” I nodded to confirm as she reached into her apron and retrieved a letter, glancing at the writing on the front before handing it to me. “You’re truly Emalina Varlen?” Nodding once more, I took the letter, holding it within my hands not knowing what I was supposed to do. “Jeanie-boy...ahem...Jean, my son, has written about you; this was his most recent letter, even though it was from a few months ago.”

Moving my gaze between her and the letter, I slowly opened the envelope and pulled the paper from inside and immediately recognized Jean’s handwriting. I skimmed the contents, quickly realizing Mrs. Kirschtein was indeed correct; in fact, a majority of the letter was about me specifically.

_Do you remember my friend Emalina I mentioned before? Mom, this girl is amazing, and I am lucky to call her my best friend (besides Marco, of course). She’s an incredible soldier and really knows what she’s doing; she’ll stop at nothing to help her comrades, putting their needs before hers. She’s been through a lot and it’s taken some time but I think she trusts me as I trust her. I’ve never had a friendship like this mom, and it’s different than Marco’s. I keep thinking why but I’m not understanding what’s happening. She makes me a better person. Hell, she believes in why I’m a soldier and doesn’t criticize me._

_I’ve never had a friend like her._

Reading the same content several times, I finally moved my vision away, looking up at Jean’s mother. She noticed my expression as she smiled. “I know,” she said. “I didn’t think it was my own son who was writing to me as he’s very short with words.”

Smiling, I folded the letter and handed it back as Mrs. Kirschtein. Opening my mouth, I wanted to say what was on my mind, the whole reason I had chased after her and left Jean in the Mess Hall. “Mrs. Kirschtein...I’m sorry for what Jean said to you and how you were treated.”

Startled, Mrs. Kirschtein held her hands closer to her chest. “My dear, are you apologizing on behalf of my son?”

“I, well...I wouldn’t consider apologizing for him, merely that I’m sorry it happened.”

Swiping a finger under her eyes, Jean’s mother could do nothing but smile at me. “Oh my dear, please tell me you will remain my son’s friend? I’ve never seen him speak of another in such a way! He’s never been one for friends; I don’t even think he’s ever had a friend that was female.”

Slightly chuckling at this information, I eased her worries. “I’m not going to un-friend your son, Mrs. Kirschtein. He’s been...he’s not only been my friend, he’s the...” Losing my words, I suddenly realized I didn’t have any words to speak on what Jean was to me. He was my friend, obviously, but that couldn’t have been it, could it? Jean acted differently when we were together and it couldn’t have simply been because I’m a female. “Mrs. Kirschtein,” I began. “You son is the reason I’m still alive.”

Gasping, the woman could do nothing but widen her eyes, waiting for me to explain my words; and so, I explained the accident earlier in the year and how I would have died from the fall if Jean hadn’t caught me in time. When I finished, she pulled a handkerchief from a pocket and dabbed her eyes. I pleaded for her not to cry but the woman insisted it was happy tears. “I’m just so incredibly proud of my son.”

Smiling, a thought suddenly entered my mind as I tenderly reached for her arm. “Do you have some time? I’d like to show you something.” Mrs. Kirschtein nodded her head as I directed her around Headquarters until we were outside nearing the stables. Walking through the one I was in earlier this afternoon, I beamed at the animals we passed, wishing I could pet and play with them all day long. When we neared the birthing stall towards the end, Mrs. Kirschtein saw the foal and was grinning at the adorable creature. 

“The black mare is Midnight, and this beautiful little girl is Galaxy.”

“My goodness they’re both adorable! And the baby, how old is she?!”

“Just a few hours old. I delivered her this afternoon.”

“You did...there’s no way! Really?!” Beaming with pride, I stared at Galaxy who was happily suckling his evening meal while his mother enjoyed her bale of hay.

“Yes ma’am. You see, I grew up around horses and have assisted with birth numerous times. We were all in the Mess Hall for lunch when a friend from the Scout Regiment stated Midnight was in labor and the person who usually assists wasn’t here. So, I stepped in and did what I needed to do. With your son’s help, of course.”

Turning towards me with wide eyes, Mrs. Kirschtein blinked and I wasn’t sure if she heard me correctly or not. “Did you just say...that my son helped with the birth of this baby horse?”

“Yes ma’am,” I repeated. “In a...technical sense, that is. I wanted minimal contact between Midnight and my friends so I was the only one in the stall when she actually delivered Galaxy, but he and our comrades helped with getting supplies and anything I needed. And, oh! Before the birth, Jean felt the horse’s tummy and could feel the baby kick; he said it was incredible! – oof!” Mrs. Kirschtein threw her arms around my frame, pulling me close; her limbs shook and I knew she shed a few tears. My arms around her and I gave the woman as much time as she needed. When she pulled away, the woman held a huge smile across her face, one that I copied as she looked once more at the mother and foal.

“Emalina...I don’t even know you, yet from what Jean has written to me, I feel like I do. Whatever you’ve done...I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Jean was...” she took a deep breath. “He was not an easy child, growing up, he had it a little rough. 

My head tilted, answers filling my head to questions I had been considering for some time. “O-Oh?”

“Mhmm, we had it difficult for some time, but poor Jean and his _father _...”__

__“Umm, Mrs. Kirschtein?”_ _

__“Hm?”_ _

__“I...I don’t mean any disrespect, but I would kindly request you not to explain anything about Jean’s upbringing.” Noticing the look growing on the woman’s face, I quickly stated my next words. “N-Not because I don’t want to! But Jean...Jean was very understanding when it came to my...my past, and why I didn’t want to be open about it. He was caring, and...and thoughtful in how long it took me to tell him what I’ve been through. I simply want to respect Jean as my friend and give him the same courtesy.” Hugging myself, I could feel the moisture behind my eyes growing, and the realization was sudden when I thought back to the letter. “If there’s something he’s not ready to open up about, I want to give him time so he can choose when and if he wants me to know.”_ _

__Staring down at me, Jean’s mother simply...stared. The woman took a few good minutes to revel in silence as she watched Midnight care for her foal. Smiling, she looked at me. “You are special, Emalina Varlen. I simply wanted to see my son, and when he turned me away, here you came, apologizing on your own and showing me this amazing sight. _Please,_ all I ask of you in return is to never leave my son’s side. Deep down, he’s a good person.”_ _

__“I know he is, Mrs. Kirschtein. He struggles with some of our other comrades, but with me or our friend Marco, he’s different. I promise, I won’t leave you son’s side. Jean’s become too important in my life and I...I don’t think I could enjoy this world if he wasn’t by my side.”_ _

__~ oOo ~_ _

__Point of View  
Jean_ _

__Watching Emalina leave me alone in the Mess Hall hurt worse than the burning sting still caressing my cheek. Touching my face, my hand rubbed the skin, despite knowing I fully deserved her slap; I knew full well I had treated my mother like shit, but the way she treated me...!_ _

___No Jean, your mother just wanted to see you,_ Emalina’s voice rang in my head._ _

__Gritting my teeth, I followed her path and exited through the front doors but I wasn’t looking to find her; I needed my space and wanted to be alone. Making my way through Headquarters, I found my room, slammed the door shut and flew myself onto the bed, covering my red face with a pillow and screamed. I stayed in that position for god knows how long, but my embarrassment ceased to leave me the hell alone._ _

__Removing the pillow, I stared up at the stone ceiling and noticed the sunlight filtering through my window was vanishing as night drew near. All I could do was stare and think. I thought of my comrades, my dream of entering the Military Police, my mother, and of course, I thought of Emalina._ _

__I don’t know how long I lay on my bed and simply thought. My frustration coiled in my chest was from my mother’s unexpected visit and the anger? Well, I wanted to direct my anger onto Emalina, but she hadn’t done anything._ _

___She slapped you!_ My mentality screamed in my ear._ _

__“I deserved it,” my lips whispered._ _

__Standing to my feet, I began pacing around the small room, confusion and displeasure scourging through my veins. My mother had the right to visit, she simply wanted to see me; why hadn’t I spared thirty minutes to stop by? How could I simply ignore my own mother, the only parent who remained and cared for me?_ _

__“Tch, it’s not her I’m avoiding.” My voice growled as I gritted my teeth. No, I’m not angry at my mother, not her, she never left me. I’m pissed at my...at my..._ _

___Son of a bitch, I can’t even say his name!_ _ _

__With my feet moving on their own, I found myself leaving my room and headed two floors above, searching for Emalina’s room. When I found the correct door, I paused with my knuckles against the wood, inhaling and exhaling before knocking. Waiting a few seconds, I didn’t hear an answer so I knocked once more, harder, so the sound would echo within. For a third time, I knocked and loudly said her name. “Emalina? I need to speak with you.” Still, there was no answer, so I grasped the handle and walked in, but what I saw froze my limbs; my eyes widened, the attempt in diverting my attention failing miserably._ _

__Before me stood Emalina in only her underwear, gracefully folding her clothing on the bed._ _

___By god, she is...so unbelievably beautiful..._ _ _

__I needed to move, I ** _HAD_** to move, but my vision continued to gaze at the female before me, lingering on everything that was visible. In the waning sun, Emalina’s skin glowed, her hair shone with tints of red and I could see every scar across her form. To which I could see her entire form; her luscious legs, her curvaceous waist and even the extraordinary shape of her breasts._ _

__Gulping, my hand clenched, desperately needing to move, to leave, to do something other than stare at my best friend. My best friend who just happened to be a female. My best female friend who was currently standing in only her underwear with a goddess aura outlining her frame. Quickly glancing down, my brain realized there was yet another problem at hand as the crotch of my pants tightened dangerously._ _

___Snap out of it Jean Kirschtein! Emalina is your best friend and you’re starring at her almost naked body!_ Shaking my head, I closed my eyes and leaned against the door, thinking of any and everything than what I had witnessed. Marco in his underwear, my mother embarrassing me, Commander Shadis yelling in his underwear! When I felt brave enough that I had lowered my additional dilemma, I knocked against the wood again, _finally_ gaining Emalina’s attention._ _

__Even though I shouldn’t have been surprised, Emalina’s screech made me jump within my own skin._ _

__“ _JEAN KIRSCHTEIN!!_ What the hell are you doing here?!” Eyes still closed, I opened my mouth to answer, only increasing my stupidity. Emalina’s hands grasped my arms tightly, her nails digging into my skin as she threw me outside, slamming the door shut and presumed to use the locking mechanism. Falling onto my ass, I groaned before standing. _Way to go Jean...__ _

__Several minutes flew by before Emalina opened her door and glanced up into my eyes, her cheeks painted red. Crossing her arms, I noticed she had donned a pair of shorts and a loose shirt, possibly her night clothes. “Give me one good reason why I should allow you back in.”_ _

__Lowering my gaze, I didn’t deserve to look upon her beauty, but the image of her gorgeous form was deeply burned into my memory. “Ema, I came to apologize. Though it seems I now have two things to apologize for.”_ _

__Sighing heavily, Emalina said, “Fine, come on in.”_ _

__Leaving the door open, I took a seat at the desk chair as she continued to fold her clothes on the bed. Biting my tongue, it was now or never. I had a feeling Emalina wouldn’t stop being my friend because of this, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it did. “Emalina, I came here to apologize. First off, I am extremely sorry for what just happened. I knocked on the door and called your name but nothing happened, so I wanted to make sure you were ok. But when I opened it...”_ _

__“How long were you standing there?”_ _

__“Just a few seconds,” my voice answered immediately. “I...I opened the door and noticed you...well, your attire and instantly closed my eyes...”_ _

__“Jean, you promise you weren’t simply staring because you could?”_ _

__“No! Emalina, I would never do that! Do you think I’m that type of person?”_ _

__“Oh Jean...” Grabbing her folded pile and placing the clothing on the desk, she nudged my shoulder with her fist. “No, I don’t think you’re that type of person, but come on, don’t I have the right to ask?”_ _

__“Heh, you’re right Ema, as usual,” I mumbled, a smile forming on my lips as our gazes locked. “Ema...I’m also sorry about the way I treated my mother. Emalina, I am...truly, truly sorry – ”_ _

__My voice was halted when Emalina placed a finger against my lips, my mouth closing on instinct. Grabbing my hand, she pulled me from the chair towards the bed, forcing me to take sit as she claimed the spot next to me. “Jean, do you remember how you once told me that I was a mystery but you could still read me?” I nodded, remembering that conversation well. “After I left you in the Mess Hall, I went after your mother and we spoke for some time.” My mouth fell open wanting to speak but Emalina shook her head. “I took your mother to see Galaxy and she started to talk about you and...mentioned your father.”_ _

___Did I just hear her correctly?_ _ _

__As always, Emalina could see right through me, speaking before I could open my big mouth. “She didn’t say anything about your father Jean, other than mentioning him. I asked her to not speak of your upbringing.”_ _

__“...why?”_ _

__Emalina crossed one leg over the other. “I didn’t want to betray you, Jean. You gave me time to speak of my past and, as I told your mother, I wanted to give you the same respect. Your agitation grew the closer we were leaving for this exam, so I began to wonder if there was something here in Trost that was the cause. I may not completely understand why you treated your own mother in such a way...”_ Damn, she has a way with words that could make me cringe._ “...but I’m fairly certain you were redirecting your anger onto her. That’s why I accept half of your apology.”

“Half?”

“That’s right. I’ll accept it fully once you apologize to your mother.”

Wrapping my arm around her, I pulled Emalina close to my chest. Here was an angel in my arms who fully understood me as a human being whilst not knowing my full story. How many people were like Emalina in this world? How many can love with a heart as big as hers? I don’t deserve her to be my friend, but goddammit if I wasn’t a lucky son of a bitch to have her by my side.

_But if I join the Military Police, we won’t have much longer._

“I don’t deserve you,” I accidentally slipped. Slapping my forehead, my jaw clenched and my cheeks burned bright red. _Why did I say that out loud?!_

Emalina simply laughed into my side, her arms around my waist with her head leaning on my shoulder. “Yes, yes you do Jean; you deserve me as a friend just as much as I deserve you.” Watching her eyes close, I couldn’t help but ponder. A friend...only a friend? Why did her statement cause my heart to leap painfully? Whisking a few strands of hair from her face, my fingers lingered against her skin before I began tracing her cheek as my hand fell to her neck, feeling her pulse on my fingers. It was in this moment I finally understood what had been in front of me this whole time. 

I didn’t see Emalina just as my friend; I saw her as the woman I wanted to be by my side.

_I’m in love with Emalina Varlen._

“Oh, and Jean, one last thing. If you ever tell anybody what you saw, I will personally kill you myself,” she said with a devilish smirk on her face.

“Heh, that sounds more than fair, Ema. My lips are sealed.” 

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Emalina

The following morning, the other cadets and myself were up bright and early for the beginning of the evacuation scenario. Commander Shadis had been discussing this drill with us for the past month, pushing everyone in our training to ensure we were ready and prepared if our world were to fall to the titans once more. I questioned the purpose of having this exercise in the middle of our three-year training and Shadis had explained that though this was indeed a preparation for the extreme scenario of another titan attack, this would allow him and the other directors of the Cadet Corps to determine what training they should add or change until graduation the following year. 

When I considered his answer, the idea clicked into place, but I still believed this was something that should be conducted around the time we would graduate. Hell, as long as I receive grades I am happy with and to graduate, I didn’t care. I’m a damn good soldier, and as long as I can protect those I care for, nothing else matters.

Gathered around my fellow cadets, I blanked on the instructions, having memorized the drill packet the previous night after Jean left. 

**_Jean Kirschtein._ **

My body instantly tensed, back completely rigid as I used my peripherals to see if anyone noticed my odd behavior. Lifting a hand to my cheeks, I wasn’t surprised to find them burning; just the mere mention of Jean’s name now sent me into a moment of embarrassment. _The man has now practically seen me naked!_ I screamed into my head. _For the love of all that is holy I was standing in only my underwear...AND! HE! SAW! EVERYTHING!!_

Mentally slapping my own idiocy for not locking the door in the first place, I groaned. But the way he looked at me when I allowed him back into my room, he seemed...I’m not sure. He was clearly embarrassed, but his eyes were saying something else, something different. He didn’t act as though he had just witnessed me in an intimate way.

I knew my feelings for Jean yet couldn’t tell if I was truly embarrassed by what happened...or excited?

“Alright soldiers! You have thirty minutes to assemble your group and head to your assigned station. Once the thirty minutes has concluded, a green flare will be fired, signaling the start to the evacuation drill. You are already aware of your duties, but let me make this clear: stay within your own zones and treat this as if it was a real titan attack. Dismissed!”

“Sir yes sir!”

Annie was standing by my side, so we moved to look for Armin and Jean; once our group assembled, we made sure our gear was secured in place and maneuvered our way around the city to our specific destination. Each drill packet was provided with a map of Trost District and was coded, designating where each group had control and their area of focus. We were located towards the center of the district, close to the main road connecting the city and small market vendor tents. 

It took the four of us practically no time at all to reach where we needed to be and we spent the time discussing the drill and strategies to use. I truly wanted to treat this as the real deal, but I had the feeling Armin was devaluing his skills, Annie simply didn’t care with her scowl and Jean seemed more agitated this morning than yesterday. _I wonder why,_ I thought. _We were both laughing last night by the time he left, despite how I’ve only forgiven half of his apology._ As we waited for the signal, I caught Jean staring at me several times, causing my skin to flare once more, my mind assuming he was thinking of last night and my naked self. But Jean’s not like that! _Then why is he staring with a goofy smile?_

“It’s time,” Annie said, standing to her feet. Our heads turned in the direction of the stone gate leading out of Wall Rose as the green flare rose high into the sky. Grabbing my handhelds, I glanced at my comrades who all nodded. Jumping off the building, we all ignited our ODM gear and flew around Trost, seeking fake titans, hoping to never see a live one inside these walls. 

And from my perspective, the drill seemed effective.

The drill had been active for almost an hour and as we flew around our designated area, I could see citizens below running for their lives towards the gate, occasionally glancing up at us. We could hear their cries of fright as some Garrison soldiers yelled, “Evacuate calmly and obey the instructions given to you!” 

_Good,_ I told myself. _The people and the Garrison need to take this seriously. There could be another attack any day now, and unless you’ve seen the titans firsthand, you don’t truly what they are capable of._

“Jean!” Armin’s voice pulled me away from my thoughts as we ran across a rooftop. Looking around, I realized we were headed away from our region and straight into another. “Are you sure we’re allowed to push up this far? Our objective is to deal with the titans that make it through the front line - !”

“Stop being so inflexible! We’re soldiers, which means we kill titans!” Frowning, I knew what Jean was planning. From my left, Annie shot me a look yet I shook my head. 

Since when does Annie listen to me? Or anyone for that matter? “All you want to do is score more brownie points,” was her statement as she flew past everyone. Turning around to glance at me, Jean smirked and pushed his gear forward, flying between buildings and houses to seek his prize. Armin, Annie and I followed. Jean’s actions caused me to growl as I gritted my teeth. _I’m gonna have to kick his butt later, won’t I?_ And that’s when I noticed the titan several hundred feet away and that Jean used more gas, causing his speed to accelerate to move even faster.

“He’s mine!” my male friend yelled, to which I slapped my face.

_Yep, I definitely have to kick his butt later._

Just as Jean was gaining distance, Mikasa jumped from the nearest building and sliced the dummy’s neck, indicating the kill went towards her score. At her maneuvers, I could see Jean smile, causing my lips to turn down in anger. 

“Guys! This way!” Jean could not gain his kill as Connie, Reiner, Marco and Sasha all appeared and stole the titan dummies that were rightfully theirs. His smile dropped, being replaced with a frown and a snarl. All our heads turned in the distance when we heard the echo of a flare being ejected and noticed the red coloring filling the sky; the leading ranks had determined the evacuation over and our job was complete. 

Sasha’s group joined together and left, heading towards the market, Jean instantly following behind. Armin, Annie and I stared at one another before the male asked, “Should we follow?”

“He is part of our team. Let’s go.”

When we finally caught up with Jean, he was glaring at Connie and Sasha, yelling at the top of his lungs. “That was playing dirty, you thieving bastards! I spotted them first!”

“Playing dirty?” Sasha asked, taking a bite of her potato. _Really Sasha? A potato, now?_ I had to laugh at my friend. “Jean, you sure come out with some baloney. You think there’s an etiquette when it comes to hunting?”

“Don’t lay some hunter logic on me, Potato Girl,” Jean sneered. 

“Potato Girl?! I thought everyone had forgotten about that!” she whispered the last part. _Sasha, how could we forget?!_ Standing against the opposite wall, I watched my friends’ interactions, hoping neither one asked me to be on their side. Who would I choose? “Don’t call me names!”

“Yeah! Apologize to her!” Connie stood to his feet, yelling back at Jean.

This was when Reiner pushed himself into the argument. “For starters that whole area was in our zone.”

“Yeah, exactly. You know Jean, you’re acting kinda weird today, shouting out of the blue like that. Are you itching to go see Mommy?” Connie laughed.

“Ohhh! Is that it?!” Sasha had pressed his buttons. 

“As if!!” Jean leaned forward, fist raised in action against Sasha, as she and Connie posed in their... _unique_ fighting stance. Connie held a knife in his mouth – where the hell he got one I have no idea – and Sasha looked as if she was a bird about to land a kick.

“That’s enough! Stop it you guys!” Walking forward, I grabbed Jean’s shoulder, but Reiner’s words were what led my friend to drop his fist. 

“Jean, you won’t make the Military Police acting like this.”

Those words are what caused the man to stand straight, knocking my hand away from his body. “When we finish up our training tomorrow, we’ll see who can take out more targets.”

_“Interesting!”_

All our heads turned to see Commander Pyxis walking in our direction. Having met this man before, I saluted him firmly, the others following my actions when they recognized who stood before them. “Commander Pyxis,” I said, nodding my head.

He nodded in response and said, “I’ll adjudicate. Your fighting spirit is certainly commendable. However, using a training exercise to win an argument is unacceptable.” The man took a hefty swig of alcohol from his flask before he finished with, “Fight with cooking.”

“Uh...pardon?” Jean asked, unsure if the Commander was speaking in tongues or the truth.

“Fight by cooking!” The man repeated. 

This caught Sasha’s attention as I watched her eyes shine with happiness. “Cooking?!”

“That’s right, cooking. A cook-off!” The crowd surrounding us began swarming with gossip, questioning why a cook-off and its purpose.

“I-I don’t mean to be rude, Commander Pyxis, but we’re soldiers. Cooking isn’t in out remit – ”

But the Sasha was the one who shoved a potato in Jean’s face to silence him of such nonsense. “Jean! How much do you even know about cooking?”

“Exactly! I bet your mom always cooked for you at home!” _You know what? I think I’ll kick Connie’s butt too._

“Jean, my boy, I will teach you the true art of cooking.” And of course, knowing Sasha, she took a massive bite out of the potato for emphasis. Sometimes I wonder who’s more dramatic: Sasha or Jean? Blinking, I noticed Marco appeared by my side, tapping my shoulder to gain my attention. 

“Do you really think Sasha and Jean will fight in a cook-off?”

“I wouldn’t put it past Commander Pyxis. I’ve heard he’s serious when it comes to three things: his position as Commander, his alcohol and food.”

“Fine! Let’s do this!” Jean’s voice pulled our attention towards him. Hands clenched, face set in aspired determination, there was no stopping the man now. “Cooking, cleaning. Throw what you like at me. If I win, you must stay outta my way forever, Potato Girl!”

Marco and I narrowed out eyes and Pyxis spoke once more. “Excellent! The battle will take place tonight. Both of you will cook and serve a main course for dinner. Bring your best dish to the table!” The crowd cheered as soldiers jumped for joy and called with excitement. Marco and I, on the other hand, crossed our arms, shaking our heads. As I glanced up, Jean turned his head and our eyes met; I held a stoic face, anger still coiled in my stomach, but Jean smirked, giving me and Marco a thumb’s up. Honestly, I didn’t care about the cook-off, but that wasn’t why I was angry.

I’m angry because Jean smiled at Mikasa the same way he smiles at me.

~ oOo ~

It had been several hours since Commander Pyxis declared the cook-off would commence that night and my group found ourselves at the hands of Jean, assisting him with acquiring the ingredients he desired. Jean declared he was seeking meat for his main course and that is where we had traveled through the forests of Trost within Wall Rose to fight a massive boar that had been causing havoc for several years. We found ourselves searching for some time before we ran into Sasha’s team, Marco giving me a sympathetic glance but I shrugged it off. We both were there mainly for support, but didn’t really care.

I had to admit, poor Jean couldn’t catch a break.

By the time we discovered the boar’s whereabouts, it was nearing late afternoon and Sasha’s team already declared victory of the massive beast. Arrows and gunshot wounds covered the boar’s fur; I knew the creature did not go down without a fight. And so, after all the time we spent searching, my team walked behind Sasha as she rode the boar as it was being carried back through Trost, the townsfolk hollering and cheering that there would be enough meat to share and how the creature had been defeated. 

Standing on the sidelines watching Sasha ride the boar as a prize, the four of us couldn’t do anything other than accept defeat that meat would not be on the menu. Personally, I’d never seen Jean cook, since all our meals as cadets were prearranged, so I didn’t have the knowledge regarding his cooking skill. Was he so set on meat because he could cook with that particular ingredient? Or was he hoping to win with the boar on his side because meat had become a scarce commodity since we lost Wall Maria?

My thoughts were interrupted when Jean abruptly said, “For fuck’s sake!” and left, heading towards Headquarters to think of something else. Sighing, I followed with Armin and Annie. We found ourselves in the Mess Hall later eating our dinner as the night where my friend merely picked and prodded at his meal. 

Wanting his attention, I grabbed Jean’s shoulder. The male had been so preoccupied with obtaining some form of meat, he wouldn’t listen to reason in considering the idea in making a different dish. “Jean you are going to win this cook-off. We are going to think of something you can cook and it will be delicious!”

“Ema, you heard what Sasha has said! She’s right; the only meal that can win is one that has some kind of meat. What else are you wanting me to do?”

“What else can you cook?” Armin opened his voice and spoke. Jean acted as if he would answer, but closed his lips instead. 

“Actually, there’s something I want to show you. Follow me.” My friend stood and Annie groaned. 

“Is he really going to drag us around just to win this stupid competition?” She glanced between both Armin and me, though her usually glare focused mainly on myself. 

“Yes,” I admitted. “Once he’s determined, you can’t stop Jean until he completes the task.” Leaving the other cadets and making our way towards the stairs, we all looked at Jean who held his hand out after a moment revealing a golden key in his palm. Armin’s eyes widened upon the realization of what the key was; it took me an additional few seconds before I groaned and grasped my nose.

“A-Are you serious, Jean?!” Armin’s voice lowered but was laced with seriousness.

“Apparently there’s beef in the officer’s pantry; I’ll use that.”

“O-Out of the question! I can’t _steal!_ I-I’ve always been slow and awkward.” Judging from Armin’s face, I could tell he’d lost it. The shorter male began rambling how he’d never won a race, that he was terrible at hide-and-seek and some other nonsense. Turning towards the stairs, Armin took off running as Annie and I crossed our arms. I knew Jean was a little crazy for taking this as seriously as he had, but he’d gone too far in stealing the key. Jean continued calling Armin’s name when the blonde male was suddenly screaming, grasping his leg in pain. 

In hour later, we found ourselves in Armin’s room as the cadet lay on his bed, his leg wrapped tightly in bandages. The medic thought Armin might’ve obtained a small fracture in his tibia when he fell, his leg landing on the edge of the stairs. In a chair by his side, Jean was contemplating his next actions; he felt guilty, this I knew.

At this point, I was annoyed. Annoyed I wasn’t with Star or visiting Galaxy, annoyed that we had searched all afternoon for a stupid boar, and even more annoyed because Jean was only growing more frustrated. What Connie stated earlier this afternoon was true, Jean had not been acting like himself lately and I knew it was because he was back in Trost, especially with his mother unexpectedly visiting him the night before. 

“I’m sorry Jean, but with this battered body, I don’t think I’ll be of any help to you,” Armin suddenly stated, his words lifting my gaze from my position against the furthest wall. At his statement, Annie pushed herself away and walked towards the door.

“I’m out too, I can’t risk getting caught.”

“But, Annie. I thought you aim was to join the Military Police as well!” Jean’s tone seemed angry though I knew it was from him feeling lost.

“Sorry,” was Annie’s reply before she walked out of the door. 

Gritting his teeth, Jean narrowed his eyes before turning towards me, needing to know my position and where I stood. I offered my best friend a smile. Despite not appreciating what Jean had planned, I would not abandon him. Hopefully he would listen to me on the way to the officer’s pantry; I’d made the promise to stick by his side, not even this could break my promise. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll help.”

“Emalina!” Armin cried. 

“Don’t worry Armin, I’ve got this covered. You just get some rest and please let us know if you need anything.”

Taking a breath, Armin relented, letting the matter go. “Alright. Just be careful.” Leaving Armin’s room, Jean and I made out way deep into Headquarters until we reached the level we were searching for. We were hugging the wall when we reached closer to the officer’s pantry, knowing that if an official soldier caught us, we would be dead, and most likely, discharged. Looking around a corner, Jean leaned back against the wall, reaching his arm out against my chest and pushing me towards the stone. I could hear two officers laughing in the next corridor, thankful they stayed straight instead of turning in our direction. 

“Kirschtein.” Standing straight at attention with arms at his side, the Garrison soldier from the previous night stood to our side staring at us both in confusion. “You made me hunt everywhere for you. Here,” the soldier handed Jean an item wrapped in cloth, his concerned expression turned into confusion, taking the item from the soldier’s hand. “Your mother stopped by a while ago and asked me to give this to you.” Moving his gaze between Jean and I, the solider asked, “What on earth are you doing down here anyways?”

Jean was still caught off guard with the item in his hand so I answered the soldier, already having an response planned. “I apologize sir, we were walking around Headquarters to familiarize ourselves with the layout and didn’t realize how we made it here and sorta...got lost.”

“Are you serious?” Pointing in the direction of the stairs down the hall, the soldier stated, “Take those stairs up one floor and you’ll be on the main level. This floor isn’t authorized for cadets such as yourselves, but I’ll let it slide this once.”

Saluting the soldier, I nodded in understanding. “We greatly appreciate that sir. We’ll take our leave immediately.” Grabbing Jean’s jacket, I pulled my friend away from this area towards the stairs as we made our way somewhere else. I didn’t know where he wanted to go, but when we were back on the main floor, Jean took my hand and led me further up until we reached his room. He stood outside of his door but instead of entering, Jean pulled me down with him as we slid against the wall towards the floor. Jean pulled at the paper tied into the fabric of the item and opened it; leaning against his shoulder, I read the note as well. 

_Dear Jean-Boy,_

_Please eat this and carry on working hard. Don’ be a burden on other people, you hear? Share some with your friend Emalina and enjoy each other’s company._

_Love, Mom_

Crinkling the paper in his hand, Jean put the paper in his jacket before removing the cloth from the small package. Inside was a small bento box and when opened, revealed a delicious looking omelet with a small side of vegies; my mouth watered despite having already eaten dinner. Reaching over, I pushed my hand inside Jean’s jacket and pulled the note from his pocket. He eyes my carefully as I folded the piece of paper and placed it securely inside my bra, not saying a single word for my actions.

“Ema.”

“Yes?”

“I know what I’m going to cook.”

“Oh really? That’s good, I bet it’ll be delicious,” I whisper, leaning my head against his shoulder.

“It’s the...first dish my mom taught me to make.” Looking up at my friend, Jean offered a small smile, but it was sad, the corners of his lips not reaching his eyes. He replaced the lid and rewrapped the linen, placing his head against my own. “Ema...I feel there’s something I need to tell you...”

“It’s ok, Jean. Remember what I said last night, I don’t want you to tell me anything unless you’re comfortable with it.” Reaching his hand over, Jean began running his fingers through my hair, causing me to purr and close my eyes in relaxation. Though he was in a stressful situation and wanted to win the cook-off, I was very content and happy it was just the two of us in this moment.

“When I was real young, my dad left me and my mom.”

Slowly pulling away from his shoulder, my eyes widened, not quite sure I knew what his words meant. “Do you mean he...?”

“Died?” Jean finished my sentence before shaking his head. “Tch, I wish, that fucking bastard,” he whispered. Inhaling as much breath as he could, Jean exhaled, his eyes searching mine. Was he looking for answers? Comfort? Whatever it was, I would give it to him. “No, my father met a...much _younger_ woman and left me and my mom to be with her.”

Covering my mouth, I tried my damned hardest to not gasp, but a small breath of air released from my lips. Though not all my questions were answered, the dots were connecting and I could discern his actions for the past few days. “Jean...”

“I was young enough that I didn’t understand what was going on but old enough to remember _everything._ After my father left, my mom completely took over the household and raised me on her own. She’s...” Taking my hand, Jean locked our fingers together and I wondered if he was looking to borrow the strength he claimed I had. “My mother is an incredible woman and she did everything. I was distraught about my father leaving that she began cooking me omelets as a treat, something to put a smile on my face.”

“Is that why she sent one to you?”

“I can only assume so, yes. When I was old enough, she taught me to cook them on my own. I...Ema, I was a rebellious kid.”

Rolling my eyes, I answered with, “Oh really? I had no idea.”

Flicking my head, Jean smiled at my sarcasm. “It’s true. I didn’t commit any crimes or do theft, but I fought with a lot of the neighborhood kids and got in trouble a lot. I was angry all the time when I was young; I was angry at the world, angry at my dad, angry at the woman because she was the reason he left and...” Squeezing his fingers, I wanted Jean to know I was here. “You were right, Ema; I acted angry towards my mom, taking my frustration out on her even though she didn’t do anything.”

“Hey, hey look at me.” When Jean didn’t move his face, I grabbed his cheek and moved his attention to look straight at me. Those beautiful golden orbs stared into mine, and for a moment, I was left breathless. “Jean, I am...so grateful you have trusted me enough with telling me. But I can tell you this: your mother loves you very much, and if she’s just as perceptive as you are, I’m fairly certain she knows the reason for your anger.”

Raising an eyebrow, it took him a moment to reply. I couldn’t resist but to stare at the expression he wore. His eyes shone, eyebrows raised in confusion at my words, mouth open with lips slightly wet. _Oh sweet goodness._ “You, you think?”

“Mhm, yeah, I do. That’s...Jean I am very sorry you had to go through that. You can look at it as a blessing in disguise, if you want.”

“How so,” he muttered. 

“Sadly, yes, your dad did leave you and your mom. But guess what? Your mother stepped up and loved you a thousand times harder. From what it sounds like, she never left, she never gave up on you and she was someone you could always count on.”

“Heh, why is it you always know the right thing to say?”

I smiled. “I don’t, but I do know you, Jean.” Placing my hand over his heart, I emphasized my words. “In here, you are a good man. Your actions and the way you uphold yourself are different than others, but you are loyal, you are caring. You’re just...you are Jean Kirschtein.”

Taking my hand from his chest into his, Jean leaned down, placing his lips upon my palm, kissing the skin before curling my hand over his cheek. “I stand by what I said last night, Emalina: I don’t deserve you as a friend.”

“And I stand by what I said as well: _yes you do._ And I’m not going anywhere. There will be times I’ll be mad at you and tell you why, but I will always be here.” Reaching forward, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled the man in for a hug. Jean copied my movements and as we stayed in that position, I couldn’t resist but to inhale his scent of cleanliness and his natural, earthy musk. Placing my lips against his cheek, I kissed my best friend before pulling back, my skin burning. Jean only smiled and continued to hold my hand.

_Oh Jean,_ I thought, suddenly saddened by the intimate-like moment we just shared. _I wish you loved me just as I love you._

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Jean

It had taken some time, but several hours later, I stood upon the stage used for the cook-off along with the rest of my team. A table stood in the middle waiting for Commander Pyxis to take his seat; the two Garrison Soldiers who were always by his side stood on each end, waiting for the right moment to declare the start to this random turn of events. Across from us, Sasha glared in my direction as Reiner and Connie matched her expression whereas Marco waved, smiling on his own. Emalina and I returned the same gesture just as the Commander walked out from behind the curtains to claim his seat.

“Well, well! It looks like you’ve both brought you’re a game to this contest.”

I was surprised to see Commander Shadis appear from the opposite side and stated loudly to the crowd, “We will now commence the cook-off between the 104th Squad members: Jean Kirschtein and Sasha Blouse!” The crowd cheered and roared, excited for the match, excited to see the meat containing the meat. “For the first dish: Sasha Blouse!”

“Sir!” she said, pushing her cart forward and placed her covered dish in front of the Commander. Lifting the lid, she said, “Bon appetite!”

_Fucking Sasha,_ I thought.

“Whoa!”

“She’s served meat!!”

“Alright, let’s try this dish out.” Cutting several slices, Commander Pyxis swallowed a bite before becoming silent; to which he stayed silent for some time. The crowd began to murmur, wondering if the Commander was simply silent or if the meat was tainted. “This...” the man whispered.

By my side, Emalina grasped my elbow, pulling on the sleeve of my shirt. “You’re still going to win,” she whispered, only for me to hear.

“I don’t know Ema, see the look on his face?” I looked again and the Commander was stoic with eyes wide as he froze. 

“Ha! The contest’s ours!” Reiner exclaimed.

“Not necessarily Reiner,” Marco intervened. 

“Whose side are you on anyways, Marco?” Connie said, poking Marco in the shoulder.

“Let it go guys,” Sasha said confidently. “It’s Jean’s turn anyways!”

I took a deep breath, hands gripping the cart tightly before I could feel Emalina’s hand cover mine. She looked up and gave me that beautiful smile of hers. All day I was so focused on wanting to win, consumed that I had to win. But seeing Emalina smile, her sincerity and confidence I would do astounding was a better feeling than desiring to win. Pushing the cart forward, it was time to place my dish in front of Commander Pyxis, and when I did, the man grinned in amusement.

“Well, isn’t this a cute little thing?”

With the support of my team and Emalina’s assurance in my ability to succeed, I created the first dish I had ever cooked myself: a fluffy omelet. Standing straight, I said, “Please, have a taste, sir.” The Commander took his time, but within a few minutes, consumed the entire dish; I was surprised, considering he had only taken a few bites of the dish Sasha made. I could hear Sasha and Connie speak how victory was theirs, only because their dish consisted specifically of meat.

Then the Commander stood. 

“And now, my decision. The winner of this contest...” Everyone stood on their toes. The crowd grew quiet as my team and Sasha’s leaned forward in expectation. “...is Jean Kirschtein!”

And the crowd grew wild with cheers and hollers, screaming that my omelet beat the meat but they were impressed. I stood stock still, not believing my own ears until Armin grabbed my shoulder, giving me a thumbs up that I’d won. When he let go, Emalina burst forward with her arms on my neck as we almost fell. Her body formed into mine as she hugged me tightly, cheering just as the crowd, but her next words were only meant for me. “I am so proud of you Jean. There was no doubt in my mind that you would win.”

Opening my mouth to thank her, Sasha began crying in front of the Commander, realizing she had relied too much on the meat itself and didn’t provide any side dishes to compliment the meal. Releasing Ema, I pulled her with me as I made my way towards Sasha, reaching my hand down. “There’s no need to be embarrassed, Sasha.” Her tear stained eyes looking up into mine as I offered the truth to this contest. “You aren’t the only one who just roasted their dish.”

“I’m sorry Jean,” Sasha said, and I knew the tension I’d created earlier that morning was no longer there; we’d come to a truce and put any ‘bad blood’ behind us. Marco walked over to congratulate me as Emalina hugged Sasha, giving her a congratulations for trying and doing her best.

Looking at my friends and those around me, there was something about the conversation Emalina and I shared earlier that knocked against the inside of my skull. I wasn’t just taking my anger out on my mom. Anger and skepticism was what I held when entering the Cadet Corps, assuming those I met would leave just as my father would. I was afraid to lose those I came close to.

In a way, I’m similar to Emalina. She’s afraid to trust others, thinking, and blaming herself, that if she grew close to others, she would lose them through death; whereas I was afraid people would simply leave, not wanting to be around me anymore, simply thinking my existence didn’t matter.

We both pushed others away to protect ourselves; in the end, we were causing more damage to ourselves. As I peered around at my friends and comrades, I finally made a decision.

I was going to visit my mother, but I wouldn’t be going alone.

~ oOo ~

“Jean! Where on earth are you taking me?”

“I told you Ema, it’s a secret.”

“Do we even have permission to be out? Curfew will start soon.”

“Don’t worry, I spoke with Shadis. Do you trust me or not?”

“I trust you, Jean.”

The following night after the cook-off against Sasha, I grabbed Emalina, told her to pack an overnight bag and escorted her out of Headquarters and into the bustling district of Trost, my hometown. Question after question had left her lips since we left the base, but I didn’t want to tell her my plan, not yet. I was directing Emalina away from the base and headed East towards the river that ran through the city. We passed other soldiers who nodded in our direction, children playing in the streets and families finishing their daily shopping before heading home. 

I wasn’t sure how she would take this surprise, but it was something I needed to do, something where I wanted Emalina with me. 

As we grew closer, Emalina grew relentless and I laughed. “It’s not funny Jean!”

“Mmm, yeah it kinda is Ema. Besides, we’re here.”

“Here where?” Stopping in front of the wooden door I’d known all my life, Emalina glared in my direction, causing me to laugh even more. 

“Emalina, welcome to my home.”

Swiftly moving her head between the building and me, Emalina was silent. “You mean, this is your home? Where you grew up?” I nodded. “But why are we here? And why did you have me bring some clothes?”

“Ema, with everything that happened yesterday, I began thinking once the cook-off was over. We’ll be leaving Trost the day after tomorrow, and I didn’t know the next time I would get this chance, but...I decided to stop by and visit my mom.”

“Oh, Jean. But...still, why am I here then?”

“Because...” I swallowed and took a breath. “Because I wanted you here. You give me...this strength I didn’t know I had. And I, well...” Turning my head away, I said in a hushed voice, “I wanted you by my side.”

Looping her arm through mine, Emalina grinned. “You are such a cutie, Jean!”

“What the hell Emalina?!” But her sudden laughter caused me to chuckle too as I knocked on the wood, the echo of footsteps grew close before the door was open, revealing my mother. 

“Hello? Can I...Jeanie-Boy? Jean!” She corrected herself.

“Hi mom...” I said meekly, embarrassed about the way I treated her several days prior.

“What on earth are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be staying at the base?”

“Yeah, but I was given permission for tonight to stay here since your family. Before that...” I held Emalina’s arm in my hand and glanced between her and my mother. “So, I know you’ve met her before, yet but I wanted to introduce the both of you myself. Mom, this is Emalina Varlen. And Ema, this...is my mother.”

My mother stepped forward and pulled my best friend into her arms. Shock ran through me, however, thinking back on how they met before, I wasn’t all that surprised. “Emalina, it is good to see you again. Has Jean been treating you well?”

“Ugh, mom...” I groaned, crossing my arms, but Ema only chuckled. 

“Jean’s been quite the gentleman, Mrs. Kirschtein.”

“Good, that’s how I raised my son.”

“Mom?” She turned towards me; it was now or never, despite my best friend watching the interaction between us. “There’s something...I need to say to you. T-The other day when you stopped by to visit me? I need to, well I need to say...I’m sorry. I should not have treated you that way, and I’m sorry for the way I was as a kid and it was never against you...!” I was speaking so fast, needing the words to leave my lips that I didn’t notice my mother try and calm me down.

“Hush Jean, I know, I know.” Reaching forward, she pulled me in as I slowly fell into my mother’s arms. “I was never mad Jean, I’ve always known the reason for your behavior. I just wanted you to have a good life.” She kissed me on the cheek as I pushed her away, but my mother laughed it off, looking between me and Emalina. 

“Would it be ok if Emalina spends the night here as well?”

“Goodness, of course! Emalina you are always welcome within my home!”

From the corner of my eye, I could see Emalina’s back stiffen, her eyes slightly glossed over but her voice betrayed what I could see. “Mrs. Kirschtein you are so thoughtful!”

“Nuh-uh! I don’t want any of that _Mrs. Kirschtein_ nonsense. You can call me Jacqueline. Now! Have you two eaten dinner yet?” We both shook our heads when I realized the smell lingering from the inside of the house. “I hope stew and fresh bread sound good.”

“That sounds delicious! What can I do to help?” My mother allowed us to enter my house as we entered the open area with the kitchen on the opposite side of the wall. 

“Emalina you are so sweet! No, I want to treat you both. So, while I’m finishing dinner, Jean, why don’t you show Emalina where the spare bedroom is? Grab some clean sheets and a pillow from the closet.”

“Alright mom, we’ll be down shortly.”

With Emalina following, I did as my mom asked and grabbed the items from the closet beneath the stairs before we walked towards the second floor. The spare room was next to mine and as we walked in, I placed the linen on the bed, allowing Emalina to look around where we will be staying. Placing her small bag on the bed, she remained quiet and I questioned if I should’ve asked her permission for this surprise.

“Jean,” she took a seat and looked up. “What you said to your mom was wonderful, I think she really needed to hear that.”

Casting my eyes aside, I couldn’t believe simple words as hers could cause such an effect on me as my skin grew warm. “Your words yesterday got to me, and deep down, I knew you were right.”

“Thank you for bringing me.”

Looking at her, I asked curiously, “You’re not mad?”

My question raised an eyebrow. “Mad? Why would I be mad?”

“You...seemed a little upset downstairs, and I thought maybe you were uncomfortable and that I should’ve talked to you first before doing anything.”

“Oh no, this is wonderful! I get a night away from Headquarters, I get to spend some time with your mother and I get to see your home where you grow up?! That’s a win-win for me!”

Before I could reply, my mother’s voice echoed from downstairs. “Dinner’s ready!”

Sitting around the table, we enjoyed a meal of my mother’s homemade stew and bread; it was such a relief considering the food we were used to at the Training Grounds. Past dinner would consist of me and my mother, as I rarely had any friends growing up; this evening was obviously different. Emalina’s spirit and personality brightened the night and I found myself conversing with her and my mother, but the two of them spent a majority of the evening talking to each other.

I simply watched. Though still somewhat of a mystery, I felt confident that I knew my best friend inside and out, as much as one could know another person over the course of eighteen months. She smiled, but it was off. She laughed and talked, but something was holding her back. It was her eyes that gave away; they were misty when my mom opened the door and they were teary over now. Was she wanting to cry? If so, what for?

We spent some time at the table before my mother declared she was headed to bed and suggested we do the same. Neither me nor Emalina disagreed as we were still exhausted from the previous day and wanted more sleep. Once the table was cleared, my mother bid us a good night – not before pulling me aside and stated there would be no funny business – as Emalina and I retired to our individual rooms. Donning loose trousers and a thin shirt, I opened my window, allowing a cool breeze into my room before dropping onto the mattress, almost instantly asleep when my head met my pillow. 

Several hours later, I was awakened when the sound of creaking wood pulled me from my sleep. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes, glancing at the window thinking it had been swayed from the wind or something. Standing to my feet, I walked towards the window when a door out in the hallway closed; ears perked to attention and eyes glanced towards the hallway, I questioned who would be up this late. Leaving my bedroom, I slowly made my way downstairs and when I reached the last step, I could hear my mother and Emalina speaking; sitting down, I took a seat on a step and leaned against the railing, listening in on their conversation.

“Emalina, dear, what’re you doing up this late?”

“O-Oh, Mrs. Kirsch...I mean, Jacqueline! Goodness, you scared me!”

“I’m sorry dear, I came down to get a drink of water, I wasn’t expecting to see you. Were you not able to sleep?”

“A-Ahh, no, it’s not that...” Emalina said. Even from my position on the other side of the house, I could hear the tremor in her voice.

“Emalina, is something the matter?”

“I...” Her sniffles paused the words she wanted to say. However, I knew what was wrong and I prepared myself for the tears that would fall. “I had a n-nightmare, is all.”

“Goodness! Are you alright? Do you want to talk about it?” I could hear my mother pulling at a chair as it squeaked against the floor. Peering around the railing, my mother had Emalina take a seat whereas she knelt in front of my friend. “Sweetie, has this happened before?”

“Yes,” my friend nodded. “I usually only have them when I miss my parents...”

“Your parents? Do they live in another district, or...?” I could see how Emalina’s face fell, only assuming my mother did as well. “Emalina, don’t tell me your, did your...?” She nodded, covering her mouth, a small sob escaping. Turning my attention away, I grasped at my shirt, clinging to the skin where my heart lay underneath. How many times would she be haunted by her past? When would the nightmares stop, so she could live free of fear? Free from her never-ending pain? 

“I’m from Uma, and when the titans broke through the wall, everyone, including my parents, were eaten...”

“Emalina...”

“It’s been almost four years, but sometimes i-it’s just so h-hard...!” Needing to glance at both females again, I saw my mother pull Emalina into her arms. My mother cradled Emalina’s head into her shoulder, softly brushing her hair. My friend froze before she shut her eyes and quickly fell against my mother, sobs echoing within the house, her fears becoming a reality in a moment of weakness – in times such as this, she truly believed she was still all alone.

“Shhh, my dear, everything is alright. Now, tell me, what’s running through your head?” Fingers clenching my chest tighter, my heart broke with Emalina’s next words. 

“I forgot what a mother’s hug feels like...”

“Oh sweetheart, look at me. I may not be related to you, but my son cares for you deeply and from what I’ve heard and seen, you are his best friend. I meant what I said earlier: you are always welcome here.”

“M-Mrs. Kirschtein...why?”

“There’s no why, sweetie. I’m not taking pity on you, but it sounds as if you’ve been through enough. I just want you to know you’re not alone, and I will help you in any way I can, any way you’d like.” Emalina tightened her arms as my mom stayed in the same position for a few minutes before pulling back. “How do you feel?”

“A b-bit b-better,” Emalina stuttered.

“That’s good to here, sweetie. Now, we can always talk in the morning, but I think it’d be best if we head back to bed.”

“Ok, I just...I need a few minutes to myself.”

“Of course. If you need anything, you can always come get me. Get some sleep, Emalina.” Nodding, Emalina smiled as my mother made her way towards me and as she reached the steps, my mother gave me the same frown I wore. “How long...?”

“From the beginning, mom.”

She sighed. “I’m assuming you knew everything?” I nodded. “That’s good to hear.” Caressing my shoulder as she moved past me, she said in a hushed voice, “Don’t ever leave that woman, Jean, you hear me?” and then made her way upstairs.

Before she was out of earshot, I replied, “I don’t plan to, mom. She’s too damn important to me.” Chuckling, I could tell my mother wanted to ask more questions, but remained silent, returning to her room. When the door closed, I stood and slowly made my way towards the kitchen. With my footsteps, Emalina’s head shot up in my direction, hands quickly wiping away any remaining tears from her cheeks. 

“Oh, Jean! I didn’t know you were up.”

“I...I heard you get up earlier, though you were talking with my mom so I didn’t want to disturb anything.”

Her face slightly fell. “You, you heard all that?”

“Yeah.” She didn’t say anything other than the occasional sniff of her nose. Grabbing a cloth from the kitchen, I replaced my mother’s position and knelt before Emalina, gently dabbing the linen across her skin, erasing the sadness which lingered. “Ema...you know you can always find me, if you have another nightmare. I don’t want you feeling alone when they happen.”

Grabbing my hand, she pulled it close and linked our fingers together. “I know. When I woke, I just needed to walk around, to take a deep breath and think. I didn’t expect your mother to come down at the same time. Yet...I lied to your mom.”

“You did? About what?”

“My nightmare. It started out as the memory of my parents, but what scared me the most was that it turned into you.”

“Me?”

“Yes. First, I’m seeing my parents being eaten all over again and then I’m running and running. Everything turns black, I can’t see or hear anything, but I hear your voice. You keep calling out to me and I’m searching for you, then the sun fills my vision and all I see is you in the hands of a titan. You’re calling out my name and I desperately try to fight, to save you. Despite my efforts, your screams were the last I heard before you were eaten...and that’s when I woke up.”

“Emalina...hey, you know that won’t happen, right?” She looked up into my eyes, fresh tears on the verge of falling. “I won’t be near the titans because Marco and I are joining the Military Police, remember?”

“No, Jean it’s not about which regiment you’re joining after graduation. I’m absolutely terrified of losing you!” Pulling her against me, her tears fell though it wasn’t the same as before. I rubbed her back a bit before I brushed off more tears, smiling down at her beautiful face. 

“I know, Ema, _trust me,_ I know. You’re my best friend and I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but you’re different than others; hell, you’re different from Marco.”

“How am I different from Marco...” she said whilst sniffling.

“I can’t say...” _Liar, yes you can Kirschtein._ “What I can say is this: if you ever left me, Ema, I would be the same person I was before we knew each other. And you wanna know something? I like who I am now because of you.”

“So you wanna keep me around simply because I make you a better person.”

“Yes – wait, no! No, no, no!” My stumble had Emalina giggling, causing her cheeks to burn red. I grabbed those perfect cheeks and pulled her close, noses touching and our breath mingling. “Emalina Varlen, if you weren’t by my side, I’d lose my way, unsure how to live, not knowing who I can trust.”

“Oh stop it, you sound like you’re confessing your love.”

“Well you are my best friend, I’ve heard they’re one and the same.”

Smiling, she reached forward and touched my cheek. Our intimate moment reminded me of the previous day when we were in her room. “If you could confess your love to someone, who would they be like, Jean?”

Stroking her cheek, I was left speechless, caught between keeping my love a secret and declaring that I wanted her to be my equal, to be with me in more ways than friendship. Debating against myself, I decided it was best to hold off. Despite wanting Emalina to love me as well, I didn’t want to drop my own feelings onto her, especially as we were still cadets with over a year left before graduation. 

When though? When would I gain enough courage to tell Emalina I love her? Once we graduate, I would join the Military Police and she would join whichever regiment she wanted. What if we were in different regiments? Would we ever see each other again? Or worse: would she begin to love another when I never proclaimed my own feelings?

“Emalina, they would be perfect like you and just as beautiful. I would want someone to be just as caring, just as helpful, and just as willing to help others, putting their needs before hers. She would need to be gentle and kind, humble, and she would also need to have a mouth on her. I like a woman with a bit of an attitude.”

I could see Emalina swallow deeply, her eyes trembling, as if she was holding something back, something she wanted to tell, though too afraid to do so. “Goodness Jean, you want someone like me? Hate to break it to ya, but I’m one of a kind. A copy just won’t do you justice.”

“You’re right, that is true; I guess I’ll just have to search long and hard. Come on, it’s late and we need our sleep.” Taking her hand, I led the way upstairs and once we reached her door, I quickly kissed Emalina on the cheek as we said goodnight. Falling upon my bed once more, I stared up at the ceiling, knowing I would’ve opened to Emalina about how I feel and that she’s the perfect woman for me.

_Emalina Varlen...you are my perfect woman, the one I’ve been wanting my entire life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m thinking we’ll be hitting the Battle of Trost District Arc within the next few chapters, which I cannot wait to write.
> 
> I did want to ask my readers: do you guys prefer longer chapters? Or shorter ones? Asking out of curiosity.
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	8. I Was Never Meant to Fight on My Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I worked really hard on this and would appreciate all comments and/or feedback. The theme and title of this chapter comes from “On My Own” by Ashes Remain. This song is so perfect.
> 
> Chapter Spoilers: In case you can’t tell, I’m not a huge fan of Eren Yaeger.
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me. I only own Emalina and any other OC’s.

Point of View  
Sasha

Utter darkness was the first sight I had, for when my eyes suddenly opened on their own accord, all I could see was the still of the night. Through the open crack of the window, the moon was low in the sky with no sliver of light indicating morning had yet arrived, but the day would soon join. As my female cadets still sleeping peacefully in their beds slowly grew into my vision, I rolled over to see my best friend tossing around in her sheets. I hadn’t just woken from my slumber on my own; Emalina was moaning in her sleep, and as my eyes grew to focus on her features, I was frightened to see tears strolling down her face. 

“No...no, please, don’t...” were the sudden words whispered from her lips.

Sitting up, I stretched over and tenderly grasped her arm, shaking my friend awake. I’d known she was used to endure her nightmares, she shared this with me awhile before, but never had I seen her like this. Had this occurred before and I never noticed? Or had I never woken up to see it in the moment?

“Ema...Emalina?” She did not stir, but the sound of my voice triggered something unconsciously in Ema, her body fidgeting, face muscles tightening and her whimpers grew louder. “Ema sweetie, wake up, please...” I was about to shake her harder though the chance did not arise.

For my best friend opened her mouth and began to scream.

Endless, high-pitched shrieks poured from her lips as she curled deeper into the fetal position, her fingers gripping the sheets in a death-lock. “Emalina!” Shaking her shoulders, I repeated her name over and over until the rest of the dorm was now awake, their annoyed voices growling and grumbling when they stood around our bunk, asking what the hell was going on.

“Sasha what is wrong with her?” Christa’s sweet voice asked as she rubbed her eyes.

“God, we’re all trying to sleep just shut her up,” snarled Ymir.

“Come on Ymir!” was Mina’s voice.

Ignoring the others, I took a deep breath, my voice the next to sadly roar, _“EMALINA!”_ My yelling her name had done the trick.

Convulsing, Ema sharply drew in a breath as she shot upwards, hands grasping at her night shirt, sweat pouring down her face, or was they fresh tears? With the dorm now quieted, other than my friend’s sharp breath intake, I observed the state of this situation. It took a few moments, but her breathing began to slow, and when several of the girls attempted to ask questions, I shushed them, my attention on Emalina who was staring at me.

“Emalina, I...are you alright?”

“Yeah,” was her immediate reply. Moving her vision around the dorm, she noticed our female comrades staring solely at her, some were concerned though most were annoyed. “I...my goodness. I’m so s-sorry...” Biting her fist, Ema slid her eyes closed, chest heaving as I noticed another fresh wave of tears on her flushed cheeks. Mumbling an apology after apology, she swiftly jumped from our taller bunk, rummaging through her personal trunk as she grabbed her uniform, leaving the dorm before the rest of us could comprehend her actions. As the heavy door slammed into the frame as she left, I became the target for all their stares.

“What the hell was that about, Sasha?” one asked.

“I...”

“Geez,” Annie scowled, rubbing her eyes. “There’s only an hour before we’re supposed to be up and this happens?”

“Guys c’mon, give her a break,” I stated weakly, jumping down to the floor as well.

“Why should we? She wakes us all by screaming bloody murder and just leaves? What the fuck gives?”

“Ymir!” Christa cried out. “We all know Emalina’s had it rough the last few years...”

“So? She’s not the only one who’s had it rough. Stop putting her on a pedestal and giving her a pass.” Ymir continued and I was growing tired of the other girls bashing my friend. 

“Stop it you guys!” I growled, surprise written over their face. I wasn’t one for confrontation, but Emalina had been through enough during training with others giving her crap. My friend hadn’t done a thing to deserve some of the treatment she received and I wasn’t about to stand by while others gossiped behind her back. “You all know Emalina’s not like that, she doesn’t think she’s had it worse off. We all carry our own burdens and it all affects us differently.”

“Just as long as she doesn’t wake up screaming again,” Mikasa stated before turning and climbing back into her warm sheets. 

The others soon followed as I was left by my bunk before grabbing jacket and following my friend. With only one other place she could head to on the grounds, I quickly made my way towards the female washroom towards the back of the building where the showers were. Entering, I found my friend sitting on one of the benches along the back wall, head buried in her hands before tilting upwards as I approached. No words were needed as I took my seat, stretching my arm around Emalina as she leaned me, silently sobbing.

And that was how we stayed for some time. I could feel the warmness of the morning sun creep through the building just as Emalina forced to cease her tears, avoiding my gaze at all costs. “I’m sorry, Sasha...”

Removing my arm, all I think to say was it was alright, and I knew it was. I was fairly certain Jean, Marco and I were the only ones who knew of her history and the angst it still caused her to this very day. “There’s no need to apologize, I just wanna know you’re ok.”

“I...w-want to say I’m fine, but truly...no. I’m not fine today...”

“Do you...I’m here if you’d like to talk about it.”

Though she held a grateful smile, Emalina still withdrew herself just as she had before we were friends. With a shake of her head, Emalina said, “T-Thank you but, I-I think I just need some time alone.” Finally meeting my regard, her resolve was strong and I was not one to deny what she needed. Nodding in agreement, I stood, but not before crushing Emalina in a hug, wanting to say more yet not sure how; leaving her behind, I made my way back towards our dorm to find the others asleep where I curled into my blanket, not wanting to fall asleep.

After an hour passed, I grabbed my belongings as the others were rising for the day, deciding it was time to prepare for the new day. By the time I trekked towards the Mess Hall, Jean and Marco met me halfway, giving them a lopsided smile. Entering and gathering our food, we noticed Emalina in the back corner, twirling her utensil around the bowl, staring aimlessly into its contents. 

“Emalina...” Jean whispered curiously, taking a step forward before my arm reached to grab his. 

“No Jean, she needs this morning to herself.”

“What’d you mean Sasha?” Marco asked, eyes moving between us and our friend. 

“Umm, here take a seat, I’ll explain.” Far enough away from Emalina, I explained everything as the males ignored their morning meal. “She woke all the girls in our dorm with screams and...muttered several apologies before grabbing her clothes and leaving. I followed her to the washroom and she was just _crying_...” I whimpered. 

Daring to glance across the room, Jean and Marco could do nothing but watch as she continued to stir her food, consuming nothing she had grabbed. Marco faced forward, but Jean resumed his gaze, leaning his chin upon a hand while we began to eat. Unbeknownst to Jean, I was watching him. His shallow breath along with the redness creeping along his neck; he wouldn’t even turn his head to eat, exclusively watching Emalina. 

“I’m worried,” Jean’s sudden voice pulled Marco and I from our reverie. When we didn’t question his meaning, my male friend explained his statement. “I haven’t seen her like this in some time, and it’s not like her to hide things from us.”

“True...” Marco agreed, taking a sip from his soup. “But you know she doesn’t tell us everything.”

“She doesn’t have to!” I snapped.

“Whoa, calm down Sasha.” Turning back around, Jean raised an eyebrow in my direction before I sighed and muttered an apology.

“Sorry. Some of the girls this morning accused Ema of thinking she’s had it worse than others and I got mad. We know why Emalina’s the way she is, but people don’t see that because they don’t know, so they make assumptions.”

Sighing, Marco rubbed his face. “Sadly, she’s had those accusations against her from the beginning.” Nodding, the three of us finished the meal in silence before the bell rang, signaling the first class of the day was to begin. Lingering as the other cadets filed out of the Mess Hall, we waited for Emalina to gather her dishes and when she didn’t, we allowed her the peace as we left. Trekking across the training grounds, we filed in to class that was already filling up; I made my way towards Connie as the other two found a row with three available seats, waiting for Emalina to join. But when she didn’t, another cadet took the seat next to Marco as we all watched the door, waiting for her to walk through.

“Good morning everyone.” Several students replied in earnest as one of the Cadet Corp directors began discussing what he would discuss for the day. Roughly fifteen minutes passed before the door suddenly opened, revealing Emalina glancing around nervously. Pausing, the director acknowledged her presence and said, “Ah, Cadet Varlen, pleasure of you to finally join us.”

“I-I apologize sir,” she answered with a curt nod.

“Care to explain your tardiness?”

“Yes sir, I accidentally fell asleep in the Mess Hall.”

With a light scowl, he ignored her reasoning, pointing to the open seat next to Bertholdt who was seated in the row in front of Jean and Marco. “As this is your first tardiness, I will let it slide. Please take your seat next to Cadet Hoover and I will continue.”

“Yes sir, thank you.” Taking her seat, Emalina sought me out across the hall, lips curving upwards but her face screamed the opposite, holding the same expression as she found the two males. Whispering a good morning to Bertholdt, she took the seat and opened her book, folding her arms upon the table as the director continued his lecture. 

For two hours we listened, jotted down notes and held different discussions with the other cadets. With thirty minutes left before we were given a break, the director suddenly closed his book and turned towards the class, arms clasped behind his back. All fell silent before he cleared his throat and walked around the desk in the middle of the bottom floor. “As you are all aware, you only have a few months remaining before your graduation from the Cadet Corps, which means choosing the regiment you will devote your life to as a soldier. As part of the 104th Cadet Corps, you all are part of a fascinating group of individuals I have worked with and my curiosity has been growing over what regiment each of you will choose. So, for the remainder of the time we have today, I want to ask each and every one of which branch you are considering, whether that is your final decision or not. So, let’s start over here.”

Moving across the room, most of the cadets were deciding on the Garrison Regiment with some who were wanting to join the Military Police. Watching everyone decide made me question where I wanted to be. Initially, I though the Garrisons would be nice, but the more I’ve trained, the more I decided the Military Police would be my final decision. I was guaranteed safety within the inner wall – plus, the inner wall had meat. Lots, and lots of wondrous meat!

Moving towards the center column seats, the question finally landed on Eren’s shoulder, who proudly stated he was joining the Survey Corp, to rid this world of all the titans. I could see Jean opening his mouth but the man caught my eye and I sternly shook my head no. Some muffled voices were heard across the room, as we’d all heard the male state this before, with the director moving along to the next individual. By the time it was Emalina’s turn to speak, she remained quiet.

When Emalina still didn’t say anything, the director asked, “Cadet Varlen, is everything alright?”

“Sir I...I would politely request to not answer the question, if that is acceptable.”

Blinking, I wasn’t sure if he knew what my friend had suffered, but the director’s expression seemed to confirm what I was thinking. “Are you not sure which branch to join?”

“No, it’s not that exactly – well i-it is, but...” Rubbing up and down her arms, Emalina was struggling for words. In the last two years we knew each other, I had never seen her like this. I’d known her better days and her worse, but this couldn’t even compare. Her dream...what was it she dreamt of to cause my best friend to be so seclusive of herself? “Right now, I would preferably like to keep that to myself, sir.”

“Tch, are you serious?” Rotating to glare at Emalina, who flinched and leaned away from the male, Eren narrowed his face. “Why the hell are you even trying to be a soldier anyways if you can’t give an answer to the question? What’s so hard to say you’ll join the Garrisons?”

“Excuse me?” she whispered, not knowing why she was suddenly being attacked. Sitting on the edge of my seat, my hands forming fists as I watched the spectacle. The rest of the class fell silent, not even the director stopping Eren from speaking to Emalina in such a manner. _Ah hell, I bet Jean’s fuming right now._ To which, as my vision moved, I could see Marco restraining Jean from bursting off his chair. “What makes you think I’ll join the Garrisons?”

“Really? Think about it. Yeah, you’re a decent soldier Emalina, but do you have the potential to be in the Military Police? You certainly don’t seem to have the guts or the strength to be part of the Scouts, so the Garrison is the only regiment fitting for someone like you, if that.”

“Eren...” Mikasa growled by his side.

Soaring from his chair and causing it to fall against the ground with a crash, Jean yelled at Eren, their history still caused friction when their paths crossed. Connie’s mouth fell as I smirked, knowing it was only bound to happen for Jean to stand up for Emalina. “What the hell gives you the right to speak to her like that?! You have no idea what her reasoning is!”

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Jean

“Oh, and you do Jean?” Moving from glaring at Emalina to me, Eren smirked that stupid fucking mouth of his.

Maybe I was playing right into his hands, but damn this asshole for speaking to Emalina the way he had. Not even knowing why she was upset wouldn’t stop me from protecting her from those who wanted to badmouth her. Not while I was sitting right behind the woman. “Yes, Eren, I do! But unlike you, I don’t tell people where they should be placed when I know nothing about them!”

“Of course you’d know, horse-face, you two are _buddy-buddy._ ”

I couldn’t believe the interaction I was having with this suicidal maniac. Had he always been this dense? Not everyone had to be as vocal as he about his ridiculous craving to rid all the titans and it was pissing me off the way he was forcing his opinion upon her. “You damn idiot! Who the hell are you to decide her future? Just because she’s not as open as yourself changes nothing! She’s a damn strong soldier and her strength doesn’t depend on telling everyone around her the regiment she wants to join. She doesn’t have to be like _you!_ ”

“Oh yeah? If she can’t decide now what regiment she’ll join, what’s she gonna do in a few months when we graduate?”

“What the hell do you know Eren?” Both of us moving our attention to the female standing in between, quickly glanced behind to me before moving onto Eren. “You think you’re so special just because you lived through the hell of four years ago? Your self-righteous attitude is disgusting; is that what gives you the right to be an asshole?!”

“I’m not...! I don’t – !”

“Then what gives you the right to determine where others should be placed? Where I should be placed? Jean’s right, just because we don’t act like you, are we not good enough?”

“N-No...”

“Then what is it, damnit?! Huh? You think you’re the only one whose passion comes from when the titans broke through the wall? Look around, you’re _not_ special Eren! I lost my parents and my village, just like you."

“What the fuck Emalina?! I _don’t_ think I’m special! But at least I know why I’m here! What about you? Why can’t you just answer the question? One who can’t admit their reason only proves they will never be strong enough!”

“Oh! So just because I don’t give my personal reason for becoming a soldier gives you the right to accuse me of not being strong enough? Your attitude only proves your egotism! You really wanna know which regiment I’ll join? Well here’s your answer: _I don’t fucking know_ because I’m not sure which branch will allow me to better help the people suffering from the titans!”

“The obvious answer is the Scouts! They’re the only hope we have for finally defeating the titans!”

“And that’s _your_ belief, not mine! Eren, we’re not as different as you think. I first enlisted as a soldier for revenge; I wanted to tear each titan apart for crushing my father and eating half my mother! But now? I just want to protect those I’ve grown to care for and love, anything to make them feel safe! I don’t thrive on revenge anymore because it _won’t_ bring my parents back...I’m here to better serve those around me who are still alive!” Hurriedly grabbing her book, Ema moved from the row, making her way down the stairs towards the exit. But Eren had to open his mouth as she passed his seat. 

“Only the weak cower behind the walls. You’ll never amount to anything Emalina, and will fail as a soldier. How will you protect those you care for?”

“That does it, you suicidal maniac!” Restraining me any further, Marco jumped to his feet and held my shoulders before I could tear the damn fool apart. The others within the room were either quite or gossiped amongst their neighbors. Did any of them not want to stand up for Emalina? Why were they all so damn quiet?!

**_“You son of a bitch!”_ **

Curling her hand tightly, fingers digging into her palms to draw blood, Emalina whipped around, her clenched fist connecting with Eren’s jaw as he stumbled backwards into Armin. Hand outstretched in midair, Emalina huffed, her narrowed slits piercing Eren who was wiping blood off his lips. As Marco’s arms grew lax and fell to his side, neither of us could grasp our friend’s reaction. Fucking hell I was impressed!

“Don’t...” was her first word when she finally spoke. 

Everyone within the room cowered from her venom; hopefully this taught them to not piss off Emalina Varlen. Seeing the way her eyes stared at Eren Jaeger confirmed the raging fire she controlled, ready to wield at her fingertips when need be. She was strong, she was determined, and she would not let others hinder her urgency to protect others.

“Don’t you **_DARE_** tell me I will fail. I carry the burden every day that I couldn’t save my mother and father...So what if you think I’m _weak_ , I’m here as a soldier to save those I love from further death, and suicidal maniacs like you will not stop me from saving those I care for!!” Rushing to leave the classroom, her form whisked through the door as the room fell silent. Huffing in anger, I grabbed my belongings, as well as Marco and Sasha who followed my tail, the three of us rushing after the female we all cared for. 

We knew Emalina and where she would be. Moving across the training grounds, we made our way towards the stables, and if she wasn’t with Freyja she would be near the lake. As the door was already thrown open, we weren’t surprised to see our friend in the horses stable, her arms wrapped around the gentle creature’s neck, sobbing uncontrollably. Hay and rocks crunching underneath our boots, signaling our presence as the brunette straightened her back, but did not glimpse in our direction.

Sasha and Marco protested but I tenderly stepped forward, hand reached out to touch her arm, and when I did so, Emalina whimpered, the noise piercing my chest as she moved into my body, arms wrapping around my waist. Holding her form against mine, I let her cry, the tears seeping through my clothing as our friends watched from behind. Whether she forced herself to stop or the tears ran dry, she pulled back, hastily removing all liquid from her face. “Emalina...”

“I’m sorry....” she said, still not looking at our faces. The other two stepped forward as well, not sure what should be said, but waited patiently, wanting Emalina to know they were there. “I’m so s-sorry that was...i-inexcusable behavior and-and I shouldn’t have...”

“No, Emalina.” Sasha reached forward to grasp her hand. “Eren had no right to say those things to you. He hurt you and I’m glad you hit him. He totally deserved it.”

“Yes, yes he did. Emalina, don’t regret your decision and don’t apologize,” Marco added, giving her a soft smile.

“Are you...” her voice was quiet, finally glancing up. “A-Are you guys mad at me...?”

“Whatever for, Emalina?” Sasha asked.

“For this morning...”

“Like we said, there’s no need for an apology.” I finally spoke through the others. “Sasha...told us what happened, so we knew you needed some space.”

“Oh.” I though her face would fall, but I guess my words caused her to smile, even just a little as her lips curved upward. Watching as Sasha consoled her best friend, she pulled Emalina into a hug.

“The other cadets may not understand, but we do. You never have to explain anything to us, just know that we’re always here for you.” Nodding, Emalina bent forward, whispering something into Sasha’s ears before Potato Girl peered at Marco and I. “Guys? Can you give me and Ema some time alone?”

A pang in my chest had me hurt. It seemed Emalina had always sought after me when she wanted a shoulder to cry on or just needed to talk. I think this was a first where she only wanted Sasha, and I should be grateful she had others by her side – for which I truly was – but damn if I didn’t want to be the sole person she could turn to. _Damn Jean, jealous much?_ I couldn’t help but think.

“No problem you two.” Giving the female a hug, Marco smiled even more as he stated, “Hey, your right-hook against Eren was amazing, by the way.”

Chuckling, Emalina cracked another smile. “That...thank you, that helps a lot, Marco. I feel a bit better that I socked him.”

“And sock him you did, that asshole had it coming.” Scratching the back of my head, I could feel Sasha staring at me to leave, but fuck, I didn’t and couldn’t leave Emalina’s side. “We’ll take off, give you two some space, but don’t forget about the evening training later.”

“We won’t. And thank you, Jean.” Emalina gave me another hug as she leaned forward to peck my cheek, but refrained at the last second and decided against it. “You’re always there to yell at Eren for me.”

“Someone’s gotta get it through that thick skull of his that he’s a suicidal maniac.” Still wanting to converse, even if it was small talk, Marco and I left the stall. Glancing over my shoulder one last time, I caught Emalina’s eye and noticed she was nibbling her lip. Cheeks flushed and the way her tooth bit into her lip had me withholding a groan, the pressure of her action had my pants tighten and my knees weaken. Adjusting my now hardened erection, Marco and I left the stables, both wondering why we were asked to leave.

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Emalina

Watching the backs of my male friends leave the stables was saddening, as I was always able to use their comfort on my worst of days. But today, I wanted to speak with Sasha, the only real friend I had that was female, just as I. Moving around Freyja’s stall, I gave the steed more hay and water before crossing my arms, becoming uncomfortable in my own skin. Sasha noticed as she pulled me outside the stall against the sliding door where we slithered to sit upon the cobblestone floor.

“So, what’s going on in that head of yours you wanted to speak with me instead of Jean?”

Sighing, fingers run through my hair on their own accord, scratching at my skin before curling both knees against my chest, I then laid my head atop before I answered. “You wouldn’t believe me if I said I couldn’t speak to Jean about this...”

Scooting closer, she knocked her shoulder against mine. “Wow that’s...yeah, I am surprised, considering you share more with Jean than Marco and I.”

Cheeks growing heated, I stared at Sasha. “I do _not_ share more with Jean!” My hunter friend merely tilted her head dumbfounded, bot buying my words and she huffed her breath. Giving in, I huffed as well, blowing my breath into the open air. “You’re right...I do share more with Jean...”

“You do realize Marco and I have known that from the beginning, right?”

“Seriously?”

“Oh yeah. Don’t fret though, we don’t take it personally; you and Jean just...your connection was instantaneous from the beginning.”

“Hmm,” was all I could mutter. Sasha was right, yet...was I a bad friend because of it?

“What’s wrong?” Sasha questioned.

“Today marks five years...” I rushed the words to leave my lips before I shut them for good, remembering earlier that morning with the screams and the blood. There was so much blood...

“Emalina...I-I didn’t know...” My friend stammered, mouth opening and closing as I turned my head. She had tears in her eyes and I tilted my head, not understanding.

“Sasha, why’re you crying...?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?!” She burst, her voice angry though I knew it wasn’t towards me exactly. “Emalina...do you remember last year when you were injured during the exam and I questioned how you were so strong? It’s moments like this that answer my question. You still carry on and...and you...” Yet as she tried to speak, the more her tears fell, causing my eyes to water once more.

“No, no, Sasha please! Don’t cry for me!”

“How can I not? I cry because you’ve lost so much and carry it all on your shoulders. Emalina Varlen...how you k-keep going everyday surprises me, and that’s why I’m h-happy you’re my best friend. With everything we’ve seen throughout our training, you’ve taught me about inner strength, something I admire most about you.”

“Oh, Sasha...” I said, leaning towards my best friend, wrapping our arms around the another in a side embrace. Giggling as we cleaned our faces, my smile began to falter, but I kept it strong and confident. Without a smile, I would fall back into the darkness, back into the grave of death I nearly dug.

_“Whenever you get that feeling, confide in me, I’ll be your safe haven; I won’t let you suffer alone.”_

_“Emalina, if you allow yourself to trust me, I’ll be there to pull you out.”_

Blinking, Jean’s voice lulled me away from the dark. I could see the shimmer of his arm stretching towards me, begging to take his hand, wanting to save me from myself. For over two years I had continuously reached for the man to pull me into his warmth, and time after time I would crawl back, seeking solace in my deepest memories. And yet, Jean Kirschtein would crawl on hands and knees, digging deeper and deeper, reaching for the hand he knew was seeking his.

Glancing at Sasha who still rubbed her eyes, she and Marco were my saviors as well. She was right, I saw Jean differently. Was that because the man had captured my heart? Maybe so, yet my guilt was still there. I loved Sasha and Marco equally, both bringing a smile to my face when needed and had become family throughout training. But with Jean Kirschtein, the cocky, golden eyed, two-toned haired man was all I could see day and night. Being around the male offered me the opportunity to remember my suffering, to remember the struggles I’d endured, which brought me to the present of being a soldier-in-training, without the hinderance from what I witnessed. 

“Thank you, Sasha.” My smile was apparently contagious as my friend who loved potatoes grinned, the redness from her tears disappearing. “It hurts, and it probably will for the rest of my life...”

“It will get easier,” Sasha quickly interjected.

“That it will,” I agreed, nodding my head. “It’s just...these reoccurring nightmares don’t help.”

“You’ve told me about them before but...never what happens.”

Sighing, I stretched my arms, glancing around the stable as I pondered on the explanation to give. “You already know they began not long after my parents died.”

“Mhm,” Sasha hummed. 

“Some days are good, but days where I miss them the most, I have more nightmares, and sometimes they’re very graphic. Lately though, over the last few months they’ve...changed.” Emphasizing the last word, Sasha quirked an eyebrow. “Remember the evacuation drill we did in Trost last year?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you recall the night I stayed at Jean’s home? That he wanted to introduce me to his mother?”

“Oh yes, I remember,” the female added.

“These different nightmares I’ve been having started that night.” Instantly waving her hand for me to continue, how could I not chuckle at her antics? “It was...well what happened...”

“Emalina Varlen, are you _blushing?_ ”

“I-I am not!”

“Oh yes you are, and you’re stuttering! Oooo what happened? Tell me, tell me!”

Her statement deserved a smack to the arm, which I rightfully gave. “The nightmare that night started as usual, where I remembered my parent’s death but then...” I took in a large breath and quickly let my words roll off my tongue. “My dream turned to Jean, that I was witnessing his death and I could do nothing to stop it.”

 _“No way!”_ Gasping, Sasha jumped to her knees and shook my shoulders. “No, you’re lying, that didn’t happen...did it?!”

“I’m telling the truth!”

“Oh my...and, does that mean last night you were having a nightmare of...?” I nodded, which I guess is what Sasha wanted to hear as she smiled brightly, I thought she’d break her jaw.

“Since then, the nightmares I have are becoming less of my parents and more of me fearing I’ll lose Jean because I...” I _t was now or never._ Inhaling deeply, I cupped both hands over my heart, staring at my best friend as her smile began to falter, not understanding my movements. “Sasha...” my voice was small, I didn’t want the words to be carried off into the wind. “I’m in love with Jean Kirschtein.”

Abruptly sitting straighter, Sasha said, “Oh, Emalina...Oh, _ohhhhh!!_ ” Knowing she would shriek, I jumped forward, clamping my hand over her mouth as she did, in fact, scream to the high heavens; if there really were Goddesses of the Walls, they would be covering their ears. The high-pitched noise was muffled and after a few seconds, she quieted down, but I waited before removing my hand. With a quitter tone, Sasha beamed in my face, eyes wide and I swear they were sparkling. “Emalina Varlen you...you’re in love with Jean...?”

Just hearing his name from her lips caused mine to curve upward, as the corners of my eyes watered. “He’s...I know the man’s cocky but he’s...Jean is such a sweetheart, I am in love with everything about him. His eyes are so beautiful and the way he has his hair in an undercut? Damn,” I whispered the last part, knowing my skin was physically on fire. I couldn’t contain my voice as it wanted to keep speaking of the man in question. “Sasha, Jean is kind, gentle, brutally honest, brash, hot-headed, handsome...I could go on but I love everything about that man...”

“So that’s why your nightmares changed...are you...Ema, are you afraid because they’re changing? That your nightmares of Jean are replacing your parents?”

“I thought of that, but I’m not sure that’s it. I feel...Jean’s become so important to me that if I lost him, I don’t know what’d I do...”

“Hey, hey,” pulling me closer until our shoulders were touching once more, Sasha smiled. “You know that’s not gonna happen. First, I’m fairly certain Jean wouldn’t let that happen because, if you haven’t noticed, you’re pretty important to him as well, and second, he’s joining the Military Police, so we won’t be any real danger.”

“Here’s the thing, I know for a fact I don’t want to join the Military Police, so I’ll lose him anyways.”

“O-Ohh,” her face fell as she rubbed her neck.

We were quiet, but I didn’t like the silence, only because I loved speaking with Sasha. “You won’t, tell anyone, will you? Especially not Connie?”

“Ah hell no, this stays between you and me. But answer me this: are you gonna tell Jean?” My head shook vigorously. “And why not?!”

“Oh come on, you’ve seen the way he looks at Mikasa. Yeah, he’s my best friend, but he’s had eyes for her since day one.”

“Mmm, are you sure ‘bout that?” Sasha seemed skeptical regarding my statement, but I’d seen the signs over the past two years. The longing stares, the statement he made about her beautiful hair, the way he smiled over her. “I know he doesn’t have anything for Mikasa. Ema, Jean’s crazy about _you!_ ”

Puffing my cheeks, I whined in my throat, knowing I should trust Sasha’s words, but the same nagging voice at the back of my mind still told me Jean only held eyes for Mikasa. “Bet he hasn’t seen Mikasa naked...” I whispered before swiftly clamping a hand over my mouth. 

“Excuse me? What on earth are you talking about?!”

“Ugh...” _Cat’s out of the bag Emalina, fess up._ “Fine. The night we arrived in Trost, after Jean yelled at his mom and I left? Jean approached my room later, wanting to apologize but I didn’t hear the door open, I was in my own little word folding my clothes when he walked in on me...with me only in my underwear.”

 _“WHAT THE FUCK?!”_ As she screamed once more, my hand clamped over her lips, though the high pitched shrill leaked over as I dangled my head, actually laughing. Quieting down, Sasha inhaled several deep breaths, though I wouldn’t remove my hand until I knew she could keep her shock to a minimum.

“If I remove my hand, will you stay quiet?” Nodding, her facial features wide, I dropped my fingers as my friend visibly shook and I wondered if it had been a good idea to state the truth of what happened that day. 

“Emalina...you’re joking, right? _Tell_ me you’re joking!”

“That’s the truth. I was completely naked except for my undies when he walked in, I shoved him out the door to dress, he apologized and we went our merry way.”

“Ah hell no! _Something_ else must’ve happened!” Shaking my head, Sasha laughed. “Wow. And it hasn’t become awkward between you two? There’s no tension?”

“Tch, well, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t awkward at _first_ , but...I...it doesn’t help that I sometimes imagine him naked...” my voice quiet and cheeks on fire, I dared not glance at the girl beside me who was basically jumping up and down.

“Emalina, have you...you know, done anything about it?”

“Huh? What’re you talking about? I already told you I’m not gonna tell Jean my feelings, so why would I do anything about it?”

“Oh, oh my sweet goodness!” Holding her side as she laughed, I was stunned, not even knowing what she was getting at. “Oh sweetie, no! You,” dropping her voice, Sasha pulled me in closer. “You said you imagined Jean naked right? And you like it?” I nodded. “Then have you done anything about the way it makes you _feel?_ ”

“Have I done...? Oh god, _SASHA!_ ” Slapping my forehead and her arm, I groaned into my hands, knowing my face would forever be stained beat red. “Oh god, do I even wanna have this conversation?!”

“Might as well talk about any and everything.” Damn, my best friend was right.

“If you must know, I haven’t. When? Where?!”

“The washroom! You either take late showers or early ones when you’re up before the others, don’t you? It’ll give you at least _some_ privacy.”

“For the love of...good god,” I muttered, embarrassment visible across my features. Though, a sudden thought pierced my head as I let my hands fall. The topic at hand, despite being unanticipated, was welcoming; who else would I have this conversation with? My mother? She died before I was even remotely interested in boys, let alone any form of sexual intimacy. Sasha Blouse was truly the only female I could turn to when in need to discuss anything regarding...personal, feminine matters.

Suddenly needing to hug and show appreciation, my arm wrapped over her shoulder until we were close. She smirked against me as we chuckled, laughing and smiling with the way today had twisted.

“Sasha? Thank you. Truly, thank you for being my best friend. I know I’m not...the easiest person to be friends with, but you, Jean and Marco are the reason I can smile as much as I do, and I’m glad we’re all friends.”

“There’s no need for thanks, Emalina. You and I are best friends, and we’ll stay by each other’s side to discuss weird and random things, always.”

“I’ll hold you to that. You’re just as important in my life as Jean and no one would be ever to replace you if you were taken from me.”

~ oOo ~

Later that evening, once we had time to consume our evening meal, the cadets trekked towards the forest edge in full uniform along with their entire ODM gear. Gas tanks and blade sheaths drummed against my thighs as I walked between Jean and Marco; we were quiet, my embarrassment evident from earlier, yet I smiled on, hoping it was received as a friendly gesture explaining I wanted to be by their side tonight. Almost three years later, I was still scared they would cast me away, but I was always welcome back within open arms, and tonight was no different.

Except, tonight was an evening drill with our ODM.

What was worse, a storm raged the previous day, leaving the ground soaked, forming mud and sludge across the ground.

Thankfully, we had the next day free of training, which was very much needed.

As the cadets were all in formation, Shadis acknowledged the group as he called us to attention. Typically, I would fuse enthusiasm into my military salute and proudly stand tall, yet with the day I’d experienced, I couldn’t give a fuck if what I presented was proper or not. Climbing into my warm sheets and forgetting today ever happened was more pleasing than soaring through trees in the dark.

Our Commander instructed that the focus this evening training was to gain further encounters with terrain suffering from abnormal weather conditions. Some cadets scoffed as Shadis stated it would rain just as it had the previous evening, though as the echoing clap of thunder rolled across the grounds, their mouths instantly shut. 

During the drill, Shadis and the other directors would be scattered throughout the forest and at any point they would exclaim a command, and whatever said command was, the surrounding cadets would stop and proceed to do what was told. If we were soaring through the trees with our ODM gear and were ordered to drop and run on the ground, that’s what we would do; if we were then ordered to move from the ground to the trees, we would switch once again. Some complained around me as some still questioned the purpose of certain exercises. I couldn’t understand; if you wanted to complain, fine, whatever, but not understanding a certain drill? It made me assume cadets entering training assumed what they’d learn would be based on the regiment they desired to join.

 _Tough shit,_ I thought. _Every soldier must obtain the same knowledge._

Giving the go ahead, the cadets were spread across the forest edge, Shadis only allowing several cadets to enter one time before allowing the next group. My location within the group grew closer as claps and flashes of light soared across the heavens. Over the course of a few minutes, the predicted storm was crashing against our shoulders, ice rain pelting over our thick, green cloaks, pulling the hood over our heads to redirect any water from our eyes, even though the attempt was futile. 

Finally, as I stepped closer, the Commander allowed several of us to commence as we ran through the trees, boots piercing the ground, leaving a perfect mold behind as we pushed on. Igniting our gear, the other cadets and I flew through the rain, navigating the sheer darkness, avoiding thick tree trunks, low hanging branches and each other. Lighting blazed the treetops, exploding our vision for a split second then leaving us stranded in the night. Knowing I’d lose sight of the other cadets who entered with me, I wasn’t bothered when the loneliness crept in as we eventually separated from each other. It wasn’t long before I could hear the echoing voice from one director yell his command, directing those who could hear to drop to the ground and run.

Safely dropping to the floor, both feet were absorbed into the muck, my balance forgotten as I fell forward on both hands, fingers sinking deeper and deeper. Mud, leaves and rocks clung to skin and clothing as I yanked myself free, the suction cup sensation emitting a pop once my legs were released as I ran in the direction we were instructed. Falling once apparently wasn’t enough as my equilibrium was shot, my entire frame landing in different positions against the ground until I was finally face first in the ground. Forcing myself from the ground, I gasped for breath, the fall claimed my breath, knocking the wind from my lungs. It wasn’t until my foot was grasped within a hidden tree root before I dropped to the ground once again, a blood-curling scream raging past my lips, competing on equal grounds with the very storm pelting into my bones.

So what if I didn’t care? I screamed and wailed, rain showering my face with the illusion that tears weren’t coursing down my cheeks. I willed myself to stop, knowing all this crying was useless, but the rivers were endless as I disregarded the training at hand.

“I’m not weak...I’m not weak...”

Diving my fingers into the ground, my strength faded with all limbs growing numb; I was soaked to the bone with mud and god-knows-what clinging to every inch of my body. My words repeated across my lips, the events of that afternoon rolling over and over through my mind as I stared at the muddy soil. 

Speaking with Sasha eased the worries over the frightening dream, yet the pain still lingered. With Jean becoming the center of my nightly terrors, how could I forget his hypothetical death and move on? Saying I loved Jean wasn’t even close in conveying the feelings I held within my heart. All I told Sasha was what I fell in love with, and more. The external features: his hair, the way he walked, his presence, and by god that smile. What Jean held internally was the reason my love fell so deep: the kindness he displayed, the cocky attitude, his blunt truthfulness, and, his heart.

No matter the time I spent understanding the beat of my heart, I was always brought back to the present and reminded of the things I’ve been through, such as today for example; how could I forget the debacle this morning with Eren Yaeger and that damn mouth of his.

 _“I’M NOT WEAK!!”_ Slamming my fist, I tightened my grip against the feeble ground, willing myself not to fall. If I fell, then I would be weak, and if I became weak, I wouldn’t be able to protect those I love.

I wouldn’t be able to save Jean.

“You’re not weak, Emalina...” Head quickly rising, a gasp left my lips when realization dawned on me that I was surrounded by my fellow cadets: Sasha, Marco, Reiner, Bertholdt, Connie and Jean.

_Jean..._

Dropping to this knee, the golden-eyed male I loved lowered his hand, widening his eyes, silently asking me to grasp his hand. Slowly reaching forward, my dirtied fingers clenched his spotless skin, tightening around each other until I was steady on my feet. With weak effort, I attempted in removing what mud I could from my face, but gave up when all eyes were on me.

“T-Thanks,” I muttered softly, too embarrassed to meet anyone’s gaze.

“You’re _not_ weak, Ema,” Jean repeated, the others chiming in their agreement.

“Jean’s right.” Stepping forward, Reiner, the bulky man that he is, clamped a hand onto my shoulder and squeezed. “Don’t let Eren’s words get to you. He had no right to say what he did.”

“Reiner...” I whispered. Next thing I knew, everyone else stepped forward, giving me their words and statements of courage, all in agreement that Eren crossed a line and deserved my fist to his face.

“You have your reasons and he has his,” Bertholdt chimed in, his lips actually curved upwards, which was probably the first smile I had seen since we met. “Emalina, you’ve been strong since day one. You’re obviously here for a reason.”

“Yeah!” Connie spoke, his shaved head nodding with vigor. “You’re our friend and we don’t care what you decide. I’m just glad you socked him!”

“If you haven’t noticed, what we’re trying to say Ema, is that we’re proud of you, and we don’t judge your decisions. You’re a strong soldier with a specific goal in mind. We think that’s great, but that’s not why you’re our friend.” My freckled friend Marco added.

Blinking, their words caused my tears to swell once more, but this time, out of happiness. Was it possible for someone to be upset for minute, and then the next all negative emotions are replaced? Because that’s how I feel right now. Just knowing these people weren’t judging me or my reasoning was enough to know they cared. “F-Friends...?”

“ _Yes,_ Emalina, how many times must we say it?” Shoving Jean in the shoulder for his tone, Sasha smiled in my direction as the male continued; I knew he meant well and only smiled. “We care for you, not because of what you’ve been through, what you plan to do or anything else.” The others all smiled and stated their agreement.

“Yes!” Connie screamed, high-fiving Sasha as Reiner wrapped an arm around Marco who sheepishly smiled whereas Bertholdt merely smirked. These were my friends.

That’s right! These people were my friends and even before the whole Eren fiasco, I knew they cared for me. Though being acquainted with our other comrades, the six individuals before me were the ones I spent most of my time with, both in and out of training. I was safe, I was comfortable, but most importantly? For these people to stop in the middle of this drill and find me? That in and of itself spoke volumes. I felt loved and cared for, something I’d been seeking since the loss of my parents and village. 

If my hands were clean, I would erase my tears. From experience, crying would lead straight to a dead-end and I was no longer in a position where I had to fight on my own, because with my friends, I was never meant to, and they wouldn’t let me.

“You guys...” Their attention turning back to me, I grinned, my cheeks hurting as I laughed and exclaimed how I wanted to give each of them a hug but refused due to my current muddy situation. Everyone laughed and before we all took flight to complete the dill, each one stated they were proud of my actions today.

Just hearing that my action in socking Eren seemed acceptable was enough to ease my guilt. Yes, I felt guilty because it was immature; however, I was glad to do it. Why? Because someone needed to knock some sense into the damn brat.

Soaring with our ODM gear, the seven of us completed the training with our comrades, and once we were dismissed, my friends wished me a good evening and asked to do something fun the following day. I agreed and everyone left, either to go straight to the dorm or to take a shower before heading to bed. Luckily, the storm had subsided before training was completed, leaving the darkened night pitch black, the eerie shadows of the training grounds more haunting than usual.

As we were wished a goodnight, Jean was the only one to stay as our eyes locked and I smiled. I was happy, and I was determined to keep this wonderful smile on my face.

“Y-You did good during the training,” Jean stuttered.

“I had a...moment of weakness, but with you and everyone else, I was able to get through the rest.”

“Emalina, we were telling you the truth. Don’t let what the suicidal maniac said overcome what you already know.”

“I know... _that_ was my moment of weakness, but now...I’m ok, actually better than ok, more so than this morning when I woke up.” Scratching my face, feeling the dried mud under my fingernails, I sheepishly chuckled. “Well, technically I screamed bloody murder and woke my entire dorm up, but still.”

“Yeah what, what happened? Are you ok now?”

“Oh yes. Talking with Sasha after the whole Eren thing really helped.” Moving my legs, we walked from the forest closer to the dorms, though I desperately was in need of a long, steamy shower. No way in hell was I gonna sleep with mud caked in my hair.

“Can I...is it ok if I ask what happened?”

“Ah, just another nightmare,” my voice quickly answered. Not wanting to bluntly lie, I still didn’t want Jean to know I’d been having more dreams of him since Trost; that was the only one he was aware of. “This one felt real, so I think that’s why it affected me the way it did.”

“Emalina...I wish you weren’t haunted by this.” Saddened by his look, my face faltered, but remaining strong, I looped my arm through his and guided our feet towards the washrooms. 

“Same here. They’re not as frequent as before, so that’s something.”

“But you’ve said they’ve been getting worse.”

“It’s probably just stress.”

“You mentioned this a few months ago in Trost too. Training is stressful and it’s been over two years since we started, yet your nightmares are _now_ getting worse?”

“Graduation’s just around the corner, Jean. With training, we’re now having our asses lectured to already choose the regiment we’ll join. So it’s probably a mixture of everything we’re doing.” Releasing a heavy breath, I stopped just outside the female washroom, Jean’s mind finally realizing where we were. But my friend didn’t seem convinced but decided to drop the subject. “Jean? I have a favor to ask.”

“Sure, what is it?”

Lifting my arms, I chuckled at slight creaking of my clothes from the still drying sludge and leaves coating my body. “There is no way in hell I’m sleeping like this, and I was wondering if you could help me rinse this gunk off?”

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Jean

_Could my face be any redder?!_

Clearing my throat, I had to question her request. Did she even realize how she asked for her favor? Whether she noticed my hesitation or not, Emalina shook her head before rephrasing her question. “My _hair,_ ” she emphasized, grabbing several chunks filled with debris and dried mud. “Would you please help me with washing my hair before I take a shower?”

“O-Oh, uh s-sure!” Stammering and a little too enthusiastic, I agreed, but it had Emalina smiling, and there was nothing else I could ask for. Having me wait for a few minutes, she retreated to her dorm, returning with the items she needed, a pair of clothes as well as removing her ODM gear. Making our way towards the water pump, she removed her cloak and handed me a small bottle that, as I lifted towards my nose, smelled just like roses. 

_Oh, so that’s why she smells so good,_ I thought.

“I really appreciate this, Jean. It’ll be much easier to get clean if my hair’s done first.” Bending towards the pump, she cranked the handle as water poured out, spilling over her already damp head, increasing the wetness until her locks were fully soaked once more. Trying to hide her shriek from the cold water, I poured a decent amount from the bottle into my hand before gently moving my fingers around her hair, suds appearing as the mixture worked to untangle and cleanse her locks. As I worked the suds over her scalp, Emalina emitted a low groan as her body shivered slightly.

_She just **had** to fucking groan._

Gritting my teeth firmly, my mind wondered into wicked territory, and although I’ve ventured in that direction before, Emalina was in front of me. Such a time for certain thoughts was unacceptable!

Focusing on her hair, I scratched my nails over her skin, around her ears and down her neck until it seemed cleaned. Assuming I thoroughly cleaned her hair, I poured a little more mix into my palms, running my fingers a second time to ensure there was no trace of mud left behind. My hair was short, how was I supposed to tell? “Alright, I think it’s clean?” I pumped the crank so she could rinse the suds, Emalina was quick to rinse before standing straight, whipping her hair as she stood, flinging water in my direction as it tenderly splashed my face. 

_Holy hell..._

I’d seen Emalina with her hair wet before, hell, we were training in a storm right before this; I’d even seen her almost naked! But the way her fingers moved through her hair, untangling the ends and inspecting to see if I’d miss any spots? Fucking hell, she was beautiful. In my eyes, Emalina Varlen would always be beautiful, no matter the situation.

“Goodness Jean, you did an amazing job!” Removing myself from thinking inappropriately – let’s be clear, I’m fucking aroused – Emalina was smiling widely as her ever-growing hair framed her face, some clinging to her skin as it fell passed her shoulders.

“You asked for a favor, so I did the best I could.”

“This’ll make my shower much quicker, thank you so much. God, it’s so clean and not filled with mud or twigs! Oh, goodness Jean...” Laying her fingers against my chin, she tilted my head sideways, looking at something particular until she found what it was. “...you’ve got some on your face too.”

“Ah, just leave it.” Were the words that fell from my mouth, but what I really wanted to say stayed within the deep recesses of my thoughts.

“Tch, I can’t do that, it’s bugging me. You help me, I help you.” Pumping water into her hand, she swathed water onto my cheek before taking a few drops from the bottle, lathering it on my face. With very little light, Emalina stepped closer, our noses barely touching while our breath fanned against the other. Massaging her fingers over my cheekbones had me withholding a groan of my own; the sensation was wonderful as my eyes fell shut, enjoying the closeness we shared.

It seemed forever had passed before she removed herself, but when she stepped away, I grasped her wrist, holding her in place. Opening my eyes, I found Emalina watching my hand carefully as she lifted her stunning blue orbs into mine. Every time I observed Emalina, my breath was taken away, her beauty absolutely stunning. Drenched hair framing her face and the way she blinked with the rising rose colored in her cheeks was enough to know an angel stood before me. For that’s what Emalina Varlen was to me, an angel. Releasing her hand, I trailed my fingers up her jacket-covered arm, leisurely moving upwards towards her face where I cupped her warm cheek, my thumb stroking the edge of her chin. 

Did her eyes always sparkle as they were now? And what about the freckles, had they always been perfectly placed across her nose?

“Jean...”

We were leaning closer, our noses touching once again. My thumb graced her skin as it moved upwards, grazing the skin of her lips, her mouth widening in response. Her name released from mine in a breathy whisper as we were mere centimeters apart, I could feel the heat of her breath on my own, the shivering vibration of excitement, arousal and need flooding my senses. 

Would this be it?

Was I about to lay a kiss on Emalina? To drown in her very being, the essence of which I loved to the core?

“Come on man, you can’t be serious!”

“Reiner...”

From my peripheral, I could see the tall frame of Bertholdt accompanied with the bulkiness of Reiner as they turned the corner, and just as their bodies faced us, Emalina and I broke away from each other. Reaching towards the pump, she used the opportunity to hide the redness of her face as she washed any suds from her hands while I stood in the same position, dumbfounded and extremely pissed off. _You motherfuckers!!_ I mentally cursed our friends.

“Bertholdt, if you need help just ask, I’m sure – oh, Emalina!” From her knelt position, Emalina smiled towards the male friends who walked in our direction. Stopping before us, Reiner’s face narrowed just as she stood to her feet, fingers flailing in an attempt to dry them quicker. “You too ok? You both seem pretty red.”

“Y-Yeah we’re fine.” Nice job stuttering, Jean. Might as well state they ruined the moment you’ve only been thinking of since the night you met Ema! “Our clothes are still drenched from the rain so I’m just cold.”

“Same here,” she chimed in, holding her cloak for them to see. “I wanted to clean this before heading to the washroom, but we started talking and lost track of time.”

“You might not want to stay out much longer if your clothes are still wet,” Bertholdt stated. 

“He’s right, you’ll both catch a nasty cold if you do,” Reiner added, his sight moving between the two of us. 

“Eh, I’m not worried. Actually, I’m headed to the washroom now, so I’ll see you boys in the morning.” Grabbing her things, Emalina walked past the three of us towards the female entry but stopped, glancing back at me. “Thanks again Jean, I appreciate it.” When she finally turned around the corner, Reiner sneered, draping an arm over my shoulder as he winked.

“You wanna hit that, don’t you?”

 _“Reiner!”_ I growled. “What the fuck?!”

“Hey I’m just saying man! Emalina’s got a nice ass and I’ve noticed the way you look at her.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Reiner,” I said, throwing his arm off.

“Bullshit. Listen man, I aint’t saying what you should do, but you still plan on entering the Military Police, right?” I nodded. “That’s where you’re going, and I can tell you, Emalina won’t join the MP’s. Take my advice: hit that before you join the regiment.” Growling once more, I curled my fist and moved towards the asshole, but Bertholdt moved quickly and blocked my frame.

“Let it go, Reiner Sorry about him, Jean.” The bulky cadet laughed and grinned as they both made their exit, but Bertholdt stopped and spoke once more. I swear, this male is speaking more and more each time I’m around him. “Jean...what Reiner’s trying to say is this: you have your objective, and Emalina has hers. Tell her how you feel before your paths become split and you’re forced to go different directions.” And then he was gone.

Standing there dumbfounded, I was confused. Had that actually been Bertholdt who just spoke, or was I dreaming? Out of the other cadets, he and Reiner were from the same village, so it’s no surprise Bertholdt understands what his friend is attempting to say, but damn! Did Reiner believe I was around Emalina just to _hit that?!_

With vibrations from my growl shaking my form, I allowed myself several seconds to cool before heading towards my dorm, retrieving clean clothes, and trekking back towards the male washroom. They were right; I’d been in the dark with soaked clothes long enough and didn’t want to risk becoming sick.

And...there was another issue at hand that needed to be taken care of.

Slamming the door behind me, I found myself all alone, thankfully, stripping naked with the dampness of all my clothing clinging to my skin, making it difficult to remove. Once bare, I entered a random shower and closed the curtain, igniting the pipes to provide heated water and sighed once the burning liquid melted my icy skin. Standing, the water droplets fell across my body, though it took a few minutes, my limbs were warming and I could feel all muscles relax in contentment. 

Following Emalina’s moves, I grabbed my soap and lathered my hair, taking the time to scrub my scalp and sigh. Suds fell as I rinsed my shortened locks before I scrubbed the rest of my body, whether there was any kind of dirt or anything else, I made sure my skin was clean. It took no time at all to rinse the soap, but the heat of the shower was comforting, and very much needed.

Propping my hand against the woodened wall, my body fell forward, allowing the water to cascade down my back. I ultimately decided on a shower, heeding my friend’s advice, but because I needed a moment of privacy, a moment where I could keep a secret to myself.

Being around Emalina was a gift, and lately, a curse. She was beautiful, attractive and a blessing to have in my life. Yet, since the moment I dropped in on her naked form during the drill in Trost, my desire has grown exponentially. Everywhere I turned, there was the woman I loved and the woman I physically desired. Sure, I’d noticed Emalina’s feminine features throughout our training. Her beauty always come first, but I saw attractiveness in the tautness of her butt, the curvature of her waist, the width of her hips, the volume of her breasts. Altogether?

I saw the perfect woman.

The perfect woman who aroused me every second of every day.

Just imaging her face sent chills down my spine as my erection grew, the muscles tightening between my legs, the damn thing mocking me. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I grasped my member, squeezing my eyes shut as my hand thrusted up and down. Being a male, of course I’ve masturbated before and had my technique down; since this was the first time I would think of Emalina while playing with myself, I could already tell this felt different. This was pleasure unlike any I’d felt before.

And I was just thinking of her!

Fingers moved quickly, my breath immediately shortened into deep gasps as my head hung low. Encased in steam, the heat coated my body, increasing the pleasure erupting through my veins. Closing my eyes, Emalina appeared with my imagination, creating illusions of her in my mind, different fantasies I’d envisioned, and everything I wanted to do if we ever became one.

Emalina wearing nothing but the ODM gear straps. 

Emalina kneeling before me with no clothing.

Emalina straddling my waist as I lay on my back. 

But the one I wished for more than anything my mind conjured, was Emalina being held within my arms after we making love, content as we wrapped sheets around our naked frames while repeating ‘I love you’ before falling asleep.

“Oh god, Emalina...” I whispered through gritted teeth. Gripping my now weeping cock, pre-cm leaking over my fingers, my hold tightened around the head and thrusted my hips. “Oh god, oh god...” I continued to whisper. The coil of my lower abdomen had me standing on the tips of my toes and in mid breath, I choked, head flinging backwards as my hips jutted forward in spasms. Stream after stream of my seed burst past my fingers, coating my hand in sticky, white substance as I cried Emalina’s name into the air, thankful I was alone.

Falling to my knees with chest heaving, my pleasure-filled state was relaxing, but with my hand covered with the essence of my orgasm, I was left feeling pathetic. Though my body did indeed feel good and pleasured, I didn’t have the right to think of Emalina in such a manner and immediately regretted my actions. 

Thinking back to the moment before we were interrupted, Emalina and I leaned closer and I swear, if Reiner and Bertholdt hadn’t walked by, I would’ve grasped her shoulders and molded our lips together. My male friend’s voice entered my head as the dream faded, reminding me that I needed to tell her the truth before entering the Military Police and she entered either the Garrisons or the Scouts. Reiner was right; Emalina would never admit it and deep down, even I knew she would never join their regiment. 

“We really will be separated, won’t we...?” I asked myself, suddenly wary that these next few months were probably the only once we had remaining. Gritting my teeth hard enough as blood filled my mouth, my semen-covered-hand smashed into the wall, head falling farther towards the shower drain. _“God damnit!”_

I’d been aiming to graduate within the Top Ten in the hopes of joining the Military Police since I decided in becoming a solider. Now? The future I now envisioned didn’t consist of me within the Interior or living the posh lifestyle, knowing I was safe from the titans behind the inner wall. Emalina was my future, with the cottage, a small farm and a newborn baby in her arms. Yet I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

Would my future consist of Emalina? Or living safely and securely within the Interior?

I had these last few months of training to decide my future. Should I proclaim my feelings for Emalina, in the hopes we travel down the soldier path in the same wagon? Or let the two of us be, she walks her own path as I travel in a different direction? Kneeling on the tile floor, my mind wondered until it seemed to draw its own conclusion. There was one thing for sure, no way in hell would I leave Emalina’s side.

It seemed my path for the future I’d originally planned just changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed. Expect the next chapter to be the last for the training arc!
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	9. Remember, I Protect Those I Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
> 
> Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. I was hit by writer’s block and decided to take December off from all writing. But I’m back and very excited for this chapter, which took me forever to complete, I swear. I hope ya’ll enjoy and please don’t forget to comment!
> 
> Song for this chapter: “Star Sky” by Two Steps From Hell. Very instrumental.
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me, I only own Emalina and any other OC’s. As of this chapter forward, I have changed the profile picture to something I thought fit perfectly. The picture does not belong to me, I take no credit for it and hold no Copyright; I simply found it through Google Images.

Point of View  
Jean

Almost three-years later and here we were, right before graduation. All the training, blood, sweat and tears – yes, even tears! – was about to come to an end. And yet, one week before the remaining cadets would discover who made the Top Ten, this is where we stood, underneath the burning sun in the last training sessions for hand-to-hand combat. 

Except, Emalina and I were on the sidelines watching Eren and Reiner deciding they could kick Annie’s butt for slacking off.

We scoffed, knowing that Annie would beat them to a pulp but continued to watch anyways. Three years ago, I would’ve mocked those taking this particular training seriously, but then the day occurred when Emalina received the thick scar on her temple and how she stated there were other monsters in the world than the titans. Which got me to thinking; if I’ll be joining the Military Police, I might need to strengthen my core and fighting techniques, as I would most likely be using those more than my skills to kill any titans. 

But taking a break to watch Eren and Reiner have their butts kicked, and to literally be flipped upside down, had me chuckling before Emalina pulled me back to our normal position. Trekking through the other cadets, mainly those who were goofing around, just as Shadis grabbed Connie and Sasha by the head for play fighting, we moved to the back from the other Cadets and resumed. Pulling the wooden dagger from my pocket, I couldn’t help but chuckle and grin at seeing Eren Jaeger getting his ass kicked.

“And pray, what’re you laughing at now, Jean?” Emalina called from her spot several feet away.

“I just find it hilarious that Eren was defeated by a girl, haha.” Glancing up at her, my body tensed at Emalina’s crossed arms and narrowed expression. _Oh....shit, maybe I shouldn’t have said that._

“Oh really now? You find it funny he was beaten by a girl?”

“I-I well...not necessarily a girl, no, m-more that he thought he could fight Annie and win?” _Way to go Jean, keep adding fuel to the fire, you’re not gonna get burned._ Stepping closer, Emalina dropped her arms, this time, laughter fell from her lips as she met my gaze; her eyes were burning with unbridled passion. I was doomed, my death certain.

Except, my death was quicker than I anticipated.

Grasping the dagger from my hand, Emalina suddenly kicked my leg out from underneath, causing my frame to fall backwards against the hard earth. Dust fluttered around my body as I stared in a daze into the blue sky above me. _Had that, just happened?_ Watching as my friend threw the wooden toy in the air several times, she grinned as I moved to stand.

“Oops, sorry Jean. Looks like you just got your ass kicked by a girl,” she mocked, an evil smile forming in her lips.

“Heh, alright, you made your point Ema, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Cocking a hand against her hip, she stopped tossing the blade and began twisting it between her fingers, her devilish appearance doing nothing but causing my heart to race and heat my skin. “Are you sure? Because, heh, I’m not the only female cadet here who could kick your ass,” she chuckled, her gentle smile replacing the grin.

Nevertheless, my eyes diverted towards the only other female I felt could truly kick my ass that was on the same level as Emalina – Mikasa Ackerman; well, maybe Annie, but even I knew not to cross her. Standing next to Armin, Mikasa held the same neutral expression as she watched her male friend spar with Mina. “Trust me, Ema, I know you’re not – ” but was not able to finish my statement. As I glanced towards her, Ema’s eyes darkened before she dropped the knife.

And tackled me.

Right back onto the ground, I fell flat as her body landed against mine, her wrists holding my hands above my head. “Why, Jean. Why?” Emalina questioned, face flushed, chest quickly heaving up and down. 

“Why what, Ema?” I had no idea what she was asking.

“What you just – ! Where you were just look...!” Sighing, she removed herself and knelt in the dirt, rubbing her chin. “Never mind, just forget it. Sorry,” she added, with a small smile. As she did so, Emalina averted her eyes with enough inclination I could assume where, or what, more precisely, grasped her attention: Mikasa.

_Oh shit..._ I couldn’t help but think. “So, that’s how you wanna play?” I tauntingly asked, with my own grin. 

She countered, not understanding as she rolled her gaze back to mine. “Play what?”

So, I tackled her.

Surprisingly, I anticipated a scream, anger in her movements, or, anything other than the beautiful giggle escaping her sculpted lips. Rolling in the dirt, we grasped limbs, forcing our bodies into various angles to gain the upper hand, to claim victory in this fight. Emalina wouldn’t succumb, but then again, neither would I. We were training as soldiers, taught every day to fight until the end; whatever the end would be, that is.

Grunting, with beads of sweat dripping from our foreheads, we found ourselves standing back on our feet, fists raised in defense, ready to strike. Smiles on both our faces, we chuckled at the sight of each other. Clothes disheveled and dust covering our clammy skin, I was surprised we were still going. Inhaling, I asked, “Ready to give in?”

“Against you, Jean? Never,” she laughed. And then she did something I wasn’t expecting. Removing her jacket, Emalina haphazardly threw the item towards the wooden dagger, flexing her arms and stretching the limbs above her head. Normally, Emalina would wear a dark blue, short-sleeved shirt underneath her uniform jacket, but today? Oh no, today, Emalina changed attire and was wearing a black, thin strapped shirt, conveniently fitting the tautness of her muscled frame. My eyes widening on their own accord; I swiftly swallowed, coughing several times as I failed miserably in looking away; Emalina knew what she was doing.

And damn it all, her nasty trick was working.

_Heh, two can play this game._

Pulling the jacket from my shoulders, I tossed mine over to hers and enjoyed the change in expression she wore from triumphant to one of bewilderment. Now, I still wore my button-up shirt, yet I firmly held her gaze as I folded the cuffs on my sleeves to the elbow. And I thought she caught me by surprise! I couldn’t help but ponder as Emalina shifted on her feet, folding her arms tightly across her chest, heat rising to her cheeks, eyes becoming cloudy and enlarged.

Copying her movements, I folded my arms and waited.

And waited; neither of us moving.

But then Emalina dropped her expression and released a soft laugh. Raising her hands in defeat, she caved. “Alright, alright, you win. Fair enough?”

“Fair enough,” I answered, following her towards our jackets. Reaching down first, she bent to grasp the collar as I stepped closer. Disregarding the distance between us, Emalina clenched her fist, but then propelled the wooden knife in my direction and I quickly captured the object, lowering my gaze from her in the moment she tackled me once again to the ground. Laughing uncontrollably, we once more rolled around, fighting to win, to prove something we already knew existed. I knew she was testing me, fighting to demonstrate the female cadets were badass and could kick my ass, or any other male, anytime, anywhere.

I _also_ knew she was fighting because my sight happened to glance at Mikasa before being tackled the first time.

Emalina was upset. But I wasn’t sure if I should be thrilled with the assumption she was jealous or disappointed in myself in thinking she was.

“You just don’t know when to quit, do you, Ema?” Rolling once more, she landed on her back as I grasped her wrists in each hand, pinning them to her side. 

Grinning her devilish smile – should I be enjoying that? – Emalina batted her eyelashes as she jolted her knee upwards, ramming me close enough to my dick that I jerked, anticipating to be hit when she used the opportunity to push me aside. Straddling my waist with the wooden knife to my throat, the other hand held my wrists, just as she’d done at the beginning of our little altercation.

Smirking, she’d won. We could still fight, but I knew Emalina bested me, and I needed to honor her victory. “On the contrary, Mr. Kirschtein, I _do_ know when to quit.” Leaning forward, she brushed her chest against mine as her heated breath phased my ear, her voice like singing angels, lulling me to a faraway land where it was just us. “But sometimes? I like a challenge.” Grinning as she pulled back, my mouth was shut, unable to say a word. Forget that she’d just won, how could I speak with our current position? The close proximity of our bodies? 

Or how about the way she ground her pelvis into my ever-growing erection?

Noticing my gaze, Emalina realized that closeness of our faces, how her lips were mere centimeters away from mine, the way her breasts pressed into mine and, let’s not forget the way she switched her sight from said lips up towards my eyes. Gulping at the same time as she, I muttered, “I...E-Emalina...” Since the night we were interrupted a few weeks back, we found ourselves in moments such as this; our bodies pulled together and faces inches from the other. But neither one pushed forward to seal the deal. 

“O-Oh Jean, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...” she replied, quickly moving to her feet and grasping my hand, pulling me to mine. Removing as much dirt as we could from our clothing and, once we grabbed the jackets, our fingers grazed the other. Pulling the damned things on, Emalina leaned over and grasped the knife from the ground, studying it then handed it to me. “You’re strong...” she said, not looking in my direction as my head lifted at her voice. “You fight well, you’re strategic and can anticipate the moves of your appointment.” Clasping my shoulder before leaning her head against it, Emalina sighed. Out of contentment? Sadness? “You’ll graduate within the Top Ten Jean, I know this.” 

“What about you thought, Ema? You have those qualities, if not more. If any of the remaining cadets will make the Top Ten, it’s definitely you,” I said. 

“Tch, maybe,” she offered, her voice and attention focused elsewhere, I could tell. “Thing is, we both know I don’t want to join the MP’s.” Thrusting hands in her back pockets, Emalina walked off; I could feel her slipping away.

“Why though?” It’s true. We’d never discussed this before as we both avoided the subject, yet with only a week left, these were probably the last few days we had left in each other’s presence. I needed to uncover what regiment she planned on joining before graduation.

Taking a deep breath, she stopped walking and switched to drawing patterns in the dirt with her boot. “Because...” Exhaling, she finally glanced at me. “Because the MP’s don’t protect everyone within the walls. They may handle dirtier crimes outside the inner wall, but let’s face it, the Military Police solely focus on those who can afford to live within Wall Sina. I can’t...” She shook her head. “I can’t protect those I care for if I’m in the inner wall. That’s not...that’s not how I want to protect people...”

“But...” Taking a few steps towards her, I pocketed the wooden toy, gently taking her hands in mine when I grew close. “But Marco will be there, I will be there. You can protect us and we – we can protect you.”

“J-Jean...”

“Emalina, _please._ ” Only her. Only this woman could have me want to drop to my knees and beg. Didn’t she understand? Didn’t she realize? “We...there’s only one week left before we graduate and choose our regiment. I don’t – I can’t lose you, Emalina.”

Quickly removing the tear from her cheek before it could fall, she sighed, but her fingers tightened around mine. “And I can’t lose you either, Jean.”

“ALL CADETS! Training’s over, bring it in!”

Dropping our hands, I rubbed my neck as she held her fingers close to her mouth. I’d made my decision a few weeks prior, but...there was still a part of me wanting, needing to join the Military Police. Emalina needed to enlist as well. She needed to stay by my side, as well as Marco’s; she needed to be kept her safe. I needed to know Emalina would always have a roof over her head, a meal on her table for every meal, and always, always a place to call home. For so long, I’d thought being a member of the MP’s meant I could obtain all of that. And as confused as I was, there was a piece of me that would still follow Emalina, be it in the Military Police or not. Even the Scout’s.

I would follow that woman to the end of our days, if it meant protecting her and that smile.

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Shadis

“And so it begins.” The commander of the Cadet Corp explained, watching over the remaining trainees install their ODM gear, readying themselves for the final exam of their Cadet training.

The other veteran soldiers dedicating their time to train and teach the new recruits surrounded myself and nodded. With the 104th Cadet Corp being the first after Wall Maria was lost, the veterans had no idea what to expect, what the trainees would be after such a tragedy shook their nation. Of the original three-hundred cadets, the two-hundred and eighteen remaining stood before us, and we knew all would pass and graduate in a few days. And yet, each graduating class needs the Top Ten recruits, those exceedingly individuals who have proven they have the dexterity, the aptitude and the mindset to join the Military Police. 

Never before had I seen candidates for the Top Ten as diverse as this group, but these individuals have pressed their time for training, and their hearts remain true to become even stronger soldiers after they leave here. 

Flipping through the sheets of every cadet, my finger landed on the bulkiest of them all.

**Reiner Braun:** A muscled cadet who gains the attention of those around him. Has the constitution of a grass-fed ox, and yet, he’s respected by his comrades.

**Armin Arlert:** Soldiers weak as can be, seems to be built like a daffodil. However, academically? The cadet’s a genius. He’s able to induce several strategic maneuvers with little information as possible.

**Annie Leonhart:** The girl is gifted with the sword, I’ll give her that. Yet she doesn’t exactly play well with others. Quiet and reserved, but deadly in a one-on-one combat scenario.

**Bertholdt Hoover:** Tallest cadet I’ve seen with heaps of talent, but is too mild mannered. Maneuvers his tall frame with ease when using ODM. Would rather talk a situation down than take action.

**Sasha Blouse:** The girl is a hunter and uses those skills to her advantage. Unusually fine instincts, leading her to detect the target with ease, though rarely shares the info with her teammates. 

**Connie Springer:** The shrimp has had me on edge since day one, but he is agile on the switchbacks. Can navigate various terrain exceedingly well, but he’s a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.

**Mikasa Ackerman:** A model cadet who excels in everything. In fact, it’s not an overstatement to call the girl a genius. But her strength in physical abilities is downgraded when near Eren Jaeger. Overly protective and tends to push all else aside for the boy.

**Eren Jaeger:** Cadet’s a lackluster in the classroom, but is marginally better in the field. Proves he can try and pass any technique or challenge. The boy has potential to be a soldier, but only because he’s driven by a sense of purpose that’s almost terrifying.

**Marco Bodt:** A cadet with his head in the clouds, desires to join the MP’s in order to serve the King. Fairly adequate in and out of the classroom, but his strength with ODM has increased over his training, most likely from the individuals he’s befriended.

**Jean Kirschtein:** Head of the class regarding the ODM gear, has been since day one. Grasps the key strengths in using the machine effectively to benefit himself in combat. But is also an insufferable smartass with a hair-triggered temper that can only be soothed by one individual.

And finally.

**Emalina Varlen:** The only other cadet that rivals Jaeger for a sense of purpose. Hers? To protect those around her, in any way she can to prevent further death. The girl is a genius on par with Arlert and Ackerman. Her physical strength is close enough to that of Leonhart, but what she makes up for is stamina; the girl does not give in. She’s level-headed, perceptive, views all angles of a situation before executing a decision, a decision she’s usually correct on. She’s unique in that she can sense what she cannot see, almost as if she has the same intuitional abilities as Braus and is, by far, the most talented individual I have ever witnessed when it comes to equestrians. And if there is anything she cannot see or doesn’t know, she seeks the answer, always learning, always desiring to become stronger. 

Looking at the other veteran soldiers, they all nodded their heads as I stepped forward, gaining the attention of the cadets ready to begin their exams. Their final exams to prove what they have learned over the past three years. For the most part, we have already decided who would make the Top Ten, but there may be a soldier who might surprise us in the end. All I know is that I have pushed their asses, and regardless, they would become strong soldiers in whichever regiment they decided to join in the coming days.

“Listen up you maggots! The final exam of your cadet training is about to begin!”

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Jean

What a day it had been.

After the Commander gathered us once the final training for hand-to-hand combat was completed – thankfully, considering the situation Emalina and I found ourselves in – we resumed the remaining exams we had left, mainly for the classroom academics we suffered through for three years. And finally, _finally_ , we were done, allowed to relax until dinner, which is where I found myself now, with my best friends by my side. 

There was an abundance of chatter surrounding us in the hall as I spoke with a fellow cadet, who was questioning my abilities with the ODM gear. Emalina and Marco sat quietly off to the side, listening in on the discussion whilst holding there own conversation here and there. The male sitting across from me suddenly asked, “But how do you do it Jean? Being swift and efficient with the gear?”

“Oh come on man! It’s simple. Instead of blaring the gas when you accelerate, you use short bursts and let your momentum do the work for you.”

“Still, that’s pretty advanced man,” the male stated.

“Duh,” I state arrogantly. “That’s why it’s called a sixth sense, especially for the finer points of your gear. You gotta do the strut if you wanna make the cut. The MP’s only recruit the best.” Retracting my hand from the table, I quickly glanced at Emalina who smirked as she continued eating her meal. The damn woman slapped me! “Tch, what the hell Ema?” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Stop being an arrogant ass, Jean. The attitude doesn’t look good on you.”

“Yes ma’am,” I muttered, biting into my bread, the table erupted into laughter as my cheeks grew pink. Once they quieted down, to my left, Marco opened his mouth to speak.

“Speaking of the MP’s...man, that’d be amazing! Working within a stone’s throw of the king? No greater honor than that,” my male friend sighed. 

“Shut up Marco!!” I slapped the back of his head, causing my friend to jerk his mug against his chin, water spilling all over his face. “We’re not children, you can stop the misty-eyed BS! Honor doesn’t have any damn part of it. You just want a _nice_ cushy job in the interior playing glorified sentry!”

“Jean Kirschtein!” Emalina yelled, her amusement and humor from a moment ago now lost. Her tone sharp as our glances met. 

“T-That’s not true! That’s not me at all!” Marco countered, wanting to ensure people saw him as the man he truly was. 

Laying a hand over his, Emalina handed him the handkerchief he’d given her long ago, giving him the chance to clean his face. “Marco, sweetie, we don’t see you like that. Jean’s just...being himself, you know that,” she shot me another look. _Yeah, yeah, I hear ya Ema,_ I thought. “You’ve wanted to serve the King since day one, and nothing’s gonna stop you from achieving that.” Nodding his head in thanks, Marco cleaned the liquid from his face as I watched their interaction. 

Yeah, I knew I was being an ass, but looking at my male friend, we both nodded, knowing everything was alright between us. He knew I never truly meant any of what was said and he understood how difficult I could be. Oh, did he and Emalina know how stubborn and difficult I could most definitely be. 

“I wonder how much different the interior is compared to here?” the male cadet asked, eyes lost in the clouds as he wondered and daydreamed.

“Who knows,” Emalina stated. “I’ve never been, but my father was there a few times.”

“Oh, really?” Marco questioned.

“Sadly,” she replied. “We bred horses for all the regiments, which you know, but he occasionally traveled to the inner wall to discuss business with the Commander of the Military Police. Whenever he came back, he would always tell me to stay outside Wall Sina, that...something about their snooty attitude polluting the people.”

“Were they bad people?” the male asked.

“From my understanding, no? I can’t say for sure, I never went with him. All I was told was those living within the inner ring held a higher status, and looked down on those living within the other walls. Tch, god knows what they think of those living in Wall Rose since we lost Wall Maria.”

“And you’re sure you wanna join the MP’s Jean?” the cadet asked me one more time.

“Damn straight. That cushy seat in the interior is calling my name,” I grinned, but it caused Emalina to laugh into her drink and for Marco to shake his head. 

“Tch, listen to you guys. Interior? Five years ago, this was part of it.” Turning to our right, fucking Jaeger spoke from his mouth as he drank from his mug.

Our table grew quiet. Emalina muttered my name under her breath while Marco dropped his head, knowing exactly where this was headed. Raising an eyebrow, I didn’t care if my tone was ugly. “You got a point to make, friend? I’m right here.”

“Poor Jean, so misguided. And besides, I don’t think your head will fit in the interior anyway,” Eren stated calmly, though their lay a poisonous tint to his words.

The entire Hall erupted into silent laughter; most individuals attempted in withholding what they could, but you could hear their snickers and chuckles. Hell, Reiner was seated next to Armin and spewed his drink onto the boy’s hair from his nose, causing the blonde to contest his disgust. Ignoring the entire room, I glared at the suicidal maniac. “Very funny.”

“Seems a little backwards, to me. You’ve spent the past three-years fine-tuning you killing skills just so you’ll be station somewhere you’ll never see one titan.” Turning in his seat, Eren narrowed his glare. “Seems like such a waste.”

“You’d rather I was good at getting killed? Thank you, but I’ll pass. Better to play the system than get gnawed on.”

Standing to his feet, Eren clenched his fists as I met him halfway. “You son of a bitch!”

“Bring it on you little bastard!”

“Eren, please! Stop it!” Armin stated loudly, wanting his friend to stop. As he did, Mikasa stood and grasped Eren’s hand while Emalina took hold of my shoulder, slightly pulling me away from the one human I wanted to bet into a pulp.

“Gentlemen, please,” Mikasa state eagerly. Turning towards Emalina, the two shared a look, which I could only guess meant they wanted to separate us males, knowing this would happen. My friend pulled me towards my seat, but I’d had enough. 

Shoving Emalina’s hand away, I reached for Eren and tightly clenched the front of his shirt, holding him within a fist throw of space. “You think you can judge me?!”

“You’ll rip my shirt!” fucking Jaeger complained.

_“Jean!”_

“I don’t give a damn about your shirt! You fucking piss me off!”

“What? Are you crazy?!” Moving as if to sock me in the face, Eren held a hand under my chin as he kicked my leg out from under me. Next thing, I’m flat on my back, groaning as I hold the side of my head. 

“Ahh, damnit! What – the hell was that move?!” I yelled.

“A little something I picked up this afternoon while you were busy with your thumb up your ass. You honestly believe the Military Police is your ticket to the good life? You’re not a soldier, you’re a fucking joke.”

_“That’s enough!”_ Moving to stand between in front of me, Emalina shoved Eren away as he nearly fell onto his ass; she was fuming with anger, and I knew the brawl did nothing but agitate her irritation.

“You can’t be serious, Emalina. You’re sticking up for Jean, _again_?” Eren groaned. 

“I will _always_ stick up for my friend, Eren Jaeger. But what I don’t get is how your mother raised you, because mine raised me to respect others and their opinions. Something you clearly don’t comprehend.” Emalina muttered lowly, venomously. She was growling, teeth clenched tightly her face was shaking.

The male cadet took a step forward, though Emalina did not back down. “Don’t you dare talk about my mother!”

“Make me, I fucking dare you.”

“You son of a...!”

“You see, Eren Jaeger, here’s the thing,” Emalina said calmly, too calm, in fact. “You have your opinion on which regiment to join, and Jean has his. Has he been an ass all night about it?” She shot a glance behind me as I stood to my feet. “Mmm, probably, but that’s Jean. You, on the other hand – ”

“Because he’s wrong, and if you can’t see that – ” And she slapped him, she fucking slapped Jaeger!

Those in the Hall gasped, the silence falling even quieter than before. Mikasa stared Emalina down, and if looks could truly kill, this would take the prize. But Emalina didn’t notice, her attention fixated on Eren, who slowly turned his face back towards her. “I don’t care if you think he’s wrong, Jaeger. Jean has the right to state his own opinions and if he wants to join the Military Police, then by god, just leave him be!”

“...why do you care, Emalina? You’re one to talk, seeing as you still can’t admit which regiment you’re joining. You’re just like him: a joke.”

“Ohh ho ho, is that what you think? The only joke I see is you, Eren. You, who always has to put anyone down if they even mention joining a regiment outside the Scouts. You think your path and your decisions are the only correct ones in this world and that infuriates me. Well let me tell you something, Eren Jaeger.” Stepping forward, she placed a finger against his chest, poking the man in the same spot, her eyes narrowed in disgust. “You’re gonna have a hell of a time in the presence of Commander Erwin or Captain Levi with your righteous egotism and that pathetic attitude, because they’re gonna eat you alive.”

“At least I don’t lie. Stop acting as if you know the Scout members personally.”

“Considering I lived with them for two years after Wall Maria fell? Um...yeah, I’d say I know the Scouts fairly well.” Turning just as Eren realized Emalina should’ve been his friend all along, she clutched my sleeve, pulling me towards the door, not before eyeing Marco to follow as well. Turning towards Eren one last time, she smiled wickedly, smugly stating, “Keep this up Eren and you’ll die out there.” And yet, just as she reached for the door handle to leave the room, the door opened and Shadis appeared on the other side, a concerned and annoyed expression on his face. 

“And where do you think you’re going, Varlen?”

“Outside, sir. It’s a little hot in here and I thought the evening breeze would do some good.” She was obviously lying and Shadis knew she was.

“Fine, you may go. Remember your curfew, cadets.”

“Yes sir,” we replied, leaving through the door just as he asked what the ruckus he heard was about. I’m not sure if I wanted to know what was said as there were muffles of laughter and the Commander seemed fairly repulsed. As the distance grew from our fast pace walking, I could no longer hear what was being said and could only focus on where she was taking me.

“We’re going to the lake, aren’t we?” I asked.

Looping her arm through mine and Marco’s, the scowl she held was replaced with a glorious smile. “Yes, we’re going to the lake.”

“Whatever for, Ema?” my freckled friend wanted to know, her smile becoming contagious.

“You’ll see.”

And so, we walked. It was a fair distance to where we were headed, but having trekked the path hundreds of times, we arrived sooner than expected. As the three of us stood on the outcrop overlooking the glistening water in the moonlight, I was struck by the beauty hidden within a world of monstrosity. Though the beauty of this world was magnificent, nothing could compare to the woman by my side, whose arm still looped through mine, her body molding into my frame. This would most likely be the last time we would see this sight, a place where tears had fallen, laughter erupted and trust was formed. 

Fuck, this might be the last time the three of us would be together like this. 

Marco was determined on joining the MP’s, leading me to believe I had as well. But then, Emalina Varlen entered my life, and I realized the Military Police wouldn’t be the same. She was my sun in the morning and my star at night, guiding me each day. I was a better person, stronger in more ways than imagined. Without her, my life would be meaningless.

“So,” her voice interrupted my thoughts as she continued to gaze into the distance. “In the next few days, we’ll learn who made the Top Ten, and then...” her voice grew quiet. “...we’ll be given the chance to choose our regiment.”

“That we will,” Marco answered, he, too, sensing the sadness hidden within her peaceful demeanor. 

“I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’d like one last night of fun. Just a random night of something spontaneous.”

“Something random?” he asked and she nodded quickly.

“Assuming we’ll be breaking curfew, what’d you have in mind?” I questioned, my curiosity had risen.

Removing herself from my side, Emalina walked to the edge, kneeling down, running her fingers through the silent water, casting ripples across the gentle surface. Standing, she shook her hand of droplets and widened her smile. “Wait right here, I’ll show you.” Removing herself from our side, she trekked towards the trees, hiding from our view as I shared a look at Marco. Shrugging our shoulders, we waited a few moments as the rustling of trees had our eyes widen. Walking out from the shadows, Emalina carried her clothing and dropped the pile by our feet, with only her underwear and bra covering her near naked body.

Creamy skin with a slight tan and hair that had once been cut to her shoulders, now fell against the gorgeous length of her back. Taking a few steps back, Marco and I wanted to move our eyes away, but we were captivated; Marco from her boldness, and me from the desire to remove the remaining pieces of fabric barely covering what lay hidden. “I said something spontaneous, didn’t I? We’ve never had a night swim, so here we go!”

As if she would wait for us to say anything, Emalina ran right on through, jumping from the edge and cannonballing straight into the water. Surfacing several seconds later, she flipped her hair, running her hands along strands caught against her face. Seeking us out, she motioned for us to join. “The water feels great! Come on!”

Laughing nervously, Marco swallowed and asked, “Are we really going to do this Jean?”

My ears were in his direction but my eyes were on her. Floating in the darkened water, she winked and then bit her lip. _God dammit woman, don’t temp me!_ “I don’t know if you will, but I am.” Stripping from my clothing, not caring who was watching – though the longing gaze from Emalina as I dropped my pants was very much appreciated – I stood in naught but my boxers and jumped in as well, following the girl of my dreams. 

Water splashed in my face as soon as I surfaced, my friend giggling uncontrollably as I splashed her back. Rotating to the one dry individual remaining on land, Emalina presented Marco her best puppy-eyes as I smirked. Sighing, Marco stripped as well, finding his way into the water. Just as I, my freckled friend would do anything for Emalina – I mean, who wouldn’t?

I couldn’t even say how long we stayed past curfew, but who the fuck cares, we were graduating within a few days. Swimming and relaxing was how we spent our time; no worries were found on our faces and I could tell Emalina was forgetting her conversation with Eren. Destroying the memory, it didn’t bode well to remember the negativity, but I would not forget Emalina’s smile as she put that suicidal maniac in his place. Right now, we were to enjoy the remaining time we were stationed as cadets.

By the time we decided it was time to head back, the moon shone brightly high in the sky. Marco disappeared for a few as he swam laps, saying he wanted to cool off the adrenaline from our activities, leaving Emalina and myself treading water, moving towards the shoreline to stand on our feet against the sand. 

She remained in my arms, my muscles pulling her frame closer as her gentle hands fell against my chest. And that’s where we remained for several minutes. Hours? Time seemed endless as I dazed into her beauty. The tip of her head grazed my chin, and as I lifted her face towards mine, we were once again lost, forever consumed, but never allowed to divulge in our sin of gluttony. For when Marco returned, we resumed our casual attire and stealthily made our way back towards the appropriate dorms, wishing the other a pleasant evening.

The only way my evening would be pleasant is if Emalina slept peacefully within my arms. Sighing, I feared that at this rate, it would never come true. It seemed I would truly join the Military Police, and she would join another regiment, leaving me behind in the dust. 

~ oOo ~

Point of View  
Emalina

_Several days later..._

“Do you have heart?!”

“Sir!”

Having traveled from the training grounds to Headquarters in Trost District, the remaining cadets stood proud and strong, arms laced behind our backs as we waited for the names to be called for those who would graduate, and those who would make the Top Ten. Commander Shadis stood before us, but it was a Veteran soldier who spoke with authority to ensure we, after three long years, still bared our bravery to serve within the military. 

“As of this moment, you have three options open to you, choose wisely! The Garrison Regiment, whose job is to reinforce the walls; the Scout Regiment, who rides out into titan territory to take back what was once ours; and finally, the Military Police Regiment, maintaining law and under direct orders from his Royal Majesty.”

Murmur escaped across the cadets, excitement running through the crowd like wild fire. This is what most cadets had been waiting for all these years; wanting to graduate, but wanting to ensure they became one of the strongest to gain access inside Wall Sina and join the MP’s. From my position, I could see Marco and Jean within several rows ahead of me, their backs straight and firm with hardened muscles as they waited somewhat patiently; Marco more so than Jean. 

“And now, the moment I present those who trained the hardest throughout the last three years. These individuals have not only proven their courage, but their determination. Their strength ranks the highest within the entire 104th Cadet Corp, their skills and techniques flawless, their attacks precise, and their blades sharp. Hear me now, for I list the names of those that have been chosen to graduate, to leave as Cadets with honor, as they have been chosen for the Top Ten!”

“Sasha Braus!”

~

“Connie Springer!”

~

“Marco Bodt!”

~

“Jean Kirschtein!”

~

“Eren Jaeger!”

~

“Annie Leonhart!”

~

“Bertholdt Hoover!”

~

“Reiner Braun!”

~

“Mikasa Ackerman!”

All those who had been called removed themselves from the group, making their way towards the front, standing in line in the order their names had been stated. Once Mikasa had walked forward and joined the group, the Veteran soldier quieted down, causing the cadets to murmur and speak quietly, wondering why he hadn’t stated the name for the cadet who had graduated at the number one. Drawing a breath, the soldier finally accounted for the last remaining soldier. 

~

“Emalina Varlen!”

~

Gasps and soldiers exclaiming their confusion was what I heard first, but as I made my way towards the front line with wide eyes, the misperception turned into quieted cheer as those I passed congratulated me. Hell, I wasn’t even sure how I had placed first in the Top Ten, meaning I was, as the soldier stated, _the_ top of the class! Honestly, I thought I’d score sixth, maybe seventh place, but not first. Why wasn’t that Mikasa’s placement? Surely, she deserved it more than I did. 

Once in place, the soldier raised his hand to quiet the commotion. “These names that I have called are eligible for the MP’s. The rest of you, take a look! These are the Top Ten from the 104th Cadet Corp, with Emalina Varlen leading at number one, the top of your class!”

The rest of the ceremony flashed in an instant, for I now stood in the Headquarters Mess Hall, having discarded my uniform and was now wearing something more casual. Except, as this was our graduation, I decided to add a little flare to my outfit. Instead of trousers and a simple shirt, I donned a black, cloth dress that fell above my knee, something I considered fairly short. The sleeves draped over my shoulders, leaving them bare as the cloth fitted my upper-arm to my elbow, where the dress stopped in the center of my arm and billowed, but the fabric on the back of my arm draped towards my fingers. And, arguing with myself before finally deciding to add a bit of an eye-opener, I fashioned a dark red corset situated on my waist as it lifted my chest, appropriately displaying my wondrous curves. Braiding a section of hair on each side of my head, I pulled half into a messy bun, letting the remaining strands slightly curl against my back as my bangs dangled short across my face. 

Arriving after, I took a few moments to gather some much-needed courage, not at all expecting the conversations to halt as all eyes fell upon me as I entered. But that was nearly half-an-hour ago, and here I was, drinking from my mug and wandering from group to group, congratulating everyone. Each person I spoke with declared they were happy how I was the top of the class, but I dismissed their compliments, clearly embarrassed, ensuring this night was about everyone, that we all deserve to be proud of ourselves. 

From all the people I conversed, I had, sadly, yet to find Jean.

Maneuvering through the numerous tables, I could hear Connie and Sasha exclaim their happiness they were joining the Military Police and how they would have three meals a day for life. Sasha’s honesty made me chuckle as I finally spotted a patch of dark undercut hair across the hall, sitting all by his lonesome. Making my way towards the man, Jean was brooding, irritably sipping his mug, lost in thought.

“Tch...how in god’s name did I get ranked under Eren?”

“Jean Kirschtein, is this how you’re gonna spend your evening?”

Jumping in his seat, Jean swiveled around to find me by his side. Seeking my eyes first, Jean didn’t even attempt in hiding his glance as he slowly eyed me up and down. His action caused me to laugh as I sat upon the table, swinging my short legs into the air. “W-Wow, Ema...Emalina you look...oh fuck...” The male rubbed his neck instead of finishing his sentence.

“Yes, Jean?” _I need to know what you think. Please tell me..._

“Emalina you look...absolutely breathtaking...” Grasping my hand, Jean leaned his head down and kissed my skin, goosebumps and tingles erupting across my body upon impact. Eyes wavering between my face and the dress before he finally let go, seeking his drink as a diversion; I could easily tell I’d caught the man in a corner.

“Thank you, Jean. You look very handsome yourself,” I stated firmly, cheeks growing warm. It was the truth. His typically trouser, white button up and black vest is something he’d worn numerous times, but the material clung to his skin, allowing me a visual of the muscles he hid underneath. Clearing my throat, I turned away, the heat becoming too intense. “A-Anyway...I agree with you Jean. I’m surprised you didn’t rank higher. Or, at least above Eren.”

He growled, rubbing his chin in anger. “I don’t fucking understand...”

“Hey. Jean, look at me.” When he didn’t, I grabbed his chin, forcing the stubborn male to make eye contact. For once, he stared up at me as I was the taller one. “Look, we both have issues with Eren, that’s fine, but please, stop moping all night. We fucking graduated, sweetie! Once we choose our regiment in two days, we’ll no longer be cadets. So get up off your ass, celebrate and give me a dance later!” Patting my cheek, she smirked. “We placed in the Top Ten, so here’s to us! Because in my mind, you’re a stronger soldier than Jaeger will _ever_ be!”

Suppressing a laugh, Jean held his mug towards mine and said, “Heh, alright beautiful, here’s to us.” Clinking our glasses, we downed the remainder of our drinks and stood, walking around the hall together, grabbing food and filling our mugs before heading back to the table. Of course, I was blushing the entire time. Could I set aside and ignore how Jean called me beautiful? Oh hell no.

Sitting there, it was just us while others stopped by, chit-chatted and left before we were alone once again. We didn’t need company. That’s what I loved about our relationship – ahem, _friendship_ – because we were content with being by the other’s side. And that’s all we needed.

Marco joined us some time later and we discussed both the ceremony and the evening. Our freckled friend was enjoying himself, and as he talked about being stationed in Trost tomorrow, I noticed Thomas and Mina across the way. Excusing myself, I migrated to their location and was met with large smiles and hugs as they congratulated me. 

“Oh stop it, please. Congratulations to you two as well! I’m not the only one who graduated tonight,” I said. It was wonderful how everyone I spoke to mentioned my triumph, but the entire ordeal was awkward. I didn’t want others to feel inferior only because I was nominated as the top of our class. 

“Emalina, you’re so humble!” Mina squealed.

“She’s right. Soak it in! You were placed first in the Top Ten; that’s an amazing achievement and you should be proud!” Thomas stated, patting my back.

“I’m very proud, and equally surprised, trust me. But soak in your victory for graduating! We _all_ survived three years of hell. Please don’t look at me as the top of the class; I’m still Emalina, your comrade, your _friend._ ” Reaching around my side to hug me, Mina was a sweetheart as she changed the subject to our chosen regiments. Spending a few moments with their conversation, I excused myself, making my way backs towards Jean and Marco. Passing Armin, Eren and Mikasa, I smiled and applauded them in passing as two heads nodded in appreciation.

One, did not.

“I don’t know what the hell you did, but you don’t deserve the spot for being the top of our class, _Emalina._ ” Halting my tracks, I refrained from turning to the prick, curious to see what he desperately needed to say. “That rightful spot belongs to Mikasa, you stole it from her.”

“Eren, stop this,” Mikasa pleaded, yet made no movements to refrain him.

“Oh goodness...” I moaned and rubbed my face. Was this seriously happening? I merely walked by to commend them and now this? The fuck? “If she wants it, she’s more than welcome to take it.” Those close enough to eavesdrop lowered their voices, some focused solely on us. “It’s just a spot within the Top Ten, nothing more. The Commander and other Veteran soldiers made this decision on their own, I held no part in it. You wanna whine and complain? Go bitch to them.” Slowly turning to scowl at Jaeger, my back stiffened in realizing how close in proximity he was to me. Moreover, the numbingly, cold contents of his drink hurled into my face, the liquid steadily dripping down my skin.

And if that wasn’t enough, the asshole grabbed Armin’s drink and dumped it over my hair, thus leading my head to become completely drenched.

_“What the fuck Eren?!”_ I screamed, using the sleeves of my dress to dry the damage. It was only water, but I was now pissed off. Their stares were penetrating my back; we now had the full audience of the Mess Hall. Wiping the strands from my eyes, I growled at the man. “What the hell was that for? All I wanted to do was commend you guys for completing training, and this is what you do?!”

“Because you don’t deserve what’s been given to you! All three years you were treated special by Shadis when al you did was sit on your ass. You’re not top of the class, Emalina; you’re a joke, a worthless soldier, just like Jean,” he repeated the same phrase from a few days prior.

“Emalina!” Cutting through the crowd forming around to see the ordeal, Jean rushed to my side, moving soaked hair behind my ear. “What happened?” I blinked at Eren and Jean immediately pieced the puzzles together. “You...fucking bastard! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Admit the truth, Emalina; admit what those girls were saying to you in the beginning. You were screwing Shadis and he gave you everything so easily. You never worked for anything, never pushed yourself as hard as you should’ve. How can you call yourself a soldier!”

“Can’t you hear yourself? What’s with the pettiness, Eren?” I asked, the anxiety I used to hold resurfacing. “Stop bothering yourself with what you know nothing about, it doesn’t concern you.”

“You can never admit the truth, can you?” Eren questioned smugly. 

“Eren, stop this!” Armin pulled his friend’s arm trying to remove him from the hall, but Eren wasn’t have any of it.

“Admit the...? I don’t have to admit anything, especially to you! But you want the truth? Here’s the truth: I was chosen as the top of the class, so suck it up and _move on._ ”

“That’s not good enough! I can’t stand by and watch you become a soldier when you don’t deserve to be one.” Eren reached forward and grasp my arm, but Jean caught his wrist, pushing the male away into the table behind him. 

“Don’t even think of touching her!” Growling, Jean moved in front of me. The gesture was sweet, but I needed to handle this with Eren on my own. Taking his hand, I moved by his side and watched as Eren looked ready to burst. 

“You’re so pathetic, Emalina – ”

“Drop it, Eren, I’m warning you,” I threatened, stepping forward as Jean stood still. “I’ve _never_ wanted to fight you, but you’ve been an asshole to me for a while now and I don’t understand any of it. Why bother, why must you know? Do you want me to prove that I am a full-fledged soldier? Because I’ll gladly kick your ass, right here and now.”

Stepping forward, Mikasa snarled, eyes narrowing and darkening. “If you touch him Emalina I’ll – ”

“Mikasa Ackerman, if you so much as say another word and _shield_ Eren, I swear to fucking god I’ll burn your scarf.”

The crowd gasped. 

But it did what I needed my statement to do. Mikasa covered her jawline with the scarf and stepped back, glaring the evil eye at me, but I was tired of her allowing Eren to do and say some of the things he had said to me, and others, throughout training without stepping in. 

“Listen up, Eren Jaeger, because I’m only gonna say this once. My past is my past, and there are reasons why I have a different relationship with the Commander than you, but they’re my reasons. I worked my ass off just as hard as you – if not harder – every single day for three fucking years. But go ahead and believe what you wanna believe, I don’t care, but don’t treat me like shit and assume anything when you don’t know me or the truth. Are we clear?”

He didn’t answer except stare.

“And one more thing.” Stepping forward I poked his chest as I had the other day. _Man, I’m a real bitch when around Jaeger. I don’t like this,_ I couldn’t help but ponder; too late now. “If I hear you mention to anyone else that if they join another regiment besides the Scouts, I will personally tell Captain Levi to make your life a living hell.”

“If we’re gonna obtain our freedom, everyone needs to join the Scouts and take back what is rightfully ours! That’s the only way to live in this world, we have to fight!” 

_I am so tired of hearing this speech._

“Are you serious?” Jean joined in, rubbing his head in frustration. I was actually surprised he had refrained from speaking and kept quiet. “Tough shit Eren, I’m joining the Military Police, so you can cut your bullshit and let anyone do what they wanna do. I’m gonna lead a cushy life in the interior while you go and get yourself killed!”

“Then you’re not a true soldier!” Eren was yelling, and I could only imagine where this would lead. 

“For the love of...You little bastard!”

“You son of a bitch!”

_I swear, that’s all they call each other._

And they began to fight. Most likely I instigated this response when I mentioned the Scouts, but how did Eren and Jean began fighting when he was having an issue with me? They were holding each other at arm’s length, trying to physically overpower the other without having to throw a punch. Or, so I thought. 

Eren raised his fist first, nearly landing a blow against Jean’s cheekbone, but he dodged in the nick of time. Forming a right hook, Jean widened his stance, preparing to sock Jaeger, but Eren held a trick up his sleeve. Able to see what he was planning, I moved forward to grab my friend’s arm to hold him upright when he would fall, but Eren’s foot was still able to connect with Jean’s shin, causing the man to stumble – and then everything became a blur.

Jean’s shin buckled beneath his weight from Eren’s kick. In response, he formed a fist with the opposite hand in attempt to take Eren down from the momentum of his fall. However, as everything happened within the blink of an eye, my position faltered just as Jean threw his punch. His target?

My cheek.

The force behind the attack threw me off my feet as Armin caught me in his arms, holding me steady as my head swam and eyes blurred for a few moments. Those around us gasped and called my name, the only, silent individuals were Eren and Jean, the latter staring at his fist in pain and regret. Standing on my own feet, I tenderly ran my thumb over the skin before holding the side of my face, the skin and muscles overly tender and stung, wincing each time I tried to move the muscles. I shouldn’t be surprised in the strength Jean held. 

“Emalina!”

All I could hear was my name over and over, yet I wasn’t fazed. Everything was silent.

I was just hit by Jean – my Jean! _No,_ my mind countered. _His attack landed on me because Eren decided kick his opponent, throwing both of us off. It’s partially my fault for jumping in between them._

“E-Emalina...” Jean’s voice broke through the silence fracturing the barrier between me and the rest of the room. “Please...are you alright?” He stepped forward, though my foot stepped back, refraining from his touch, needing a moment to gather my feelings. Mouth falling, Jean pleaded, his face screamed everything he desired to say.

“I-I’m tired...” Swallowing, I gathered my thoughts, knowing I was about to burst in anger and needed to calm the adrenaline pumping my frustration. “I’m tired of the fighting. I’m sick of the threats, the bullying, the accusations. We’re supposed to be comrades!” Screaming, I moved in between the two males once again, my feet firm as I stood my ground, blatantly ignoring the pressure in my face. They would hear me, and I would not be interrupted.

“Each of us will be choosing separate regiments two days from now, but we’re all soldiers, all comrades! Eren Jaeger,” I said clearly, spinning myself around to face him. “I’ve never done anything to deserve the treatment you’ve given me. If you’ve had issues, you should’ve talked with me, I might’ve answered any questions you had, but _no_. You preferred to sit on your ass and make assumptions based on gossip instead of asking for the truth! And for the record: stop being an egotistical prick! You wanna join the Scouts and leave the walls? Search for freedom you feel we all should believe in? That’s great, knock yourself out – but _don’t_ put someone down for wanting something different, for wanting to live their life differently.”

“They’re living wrongly then!”

“WHO THE FUCK CARES?!” I screeched before he could finish his sentence. He was repeating the same reasoning over and over and I was truly sick of hearing it. “Everyone is entitled to how they want to live within these walls. Some want to live carefully, some want to discover the world. Jean wants to join the Military Police for safety and security; I may not fully approve, but I support his decision because he just wants to _live!_ ”

“Emalina...” Jean voiced my name quietly. 

“ _Don’t,_ Jean, just...don’t. I’ve held this in for far too long, but you seriously need to stop criticizing those who want to save humanity outside the walls. And...” Inhaling a large breath, I prepared myself for the inevitable. This may strain our friendship, but he needed to know; it was now or never. “...if you’re gonna keep up that attitude until you join the MP’s, then you need to add me to that list of people you dislike, because I’m joining the Scouts too!”

From there, running was all I could do, forcing myself through the crowd, leaving theirs stares ad whispers behind. I couldn’t escape fast enough, couldn’t leave the shocked expression of Jean as I vacated the Mess Hall, scrambling through Headquarters into the starry night. My legs carried me where my mind knew naught where to go, and thus I found myself outside the stables, searching for Freyja, Midnight and little Galaxy, who wasn’t so tiny anymore. 

Not in their stables, I assumed Annamarie moved them into the corral outside and when I walked close enough to the wooden fence, Freyja noticed my presence, instantly trotting to my side and nuzzled my face. She accidentally nudged my cheek, still tender from Jean’s fist, so I pulled my head away and rubbed her muzzle, my usual smile unable to form. 

With all the quarrels and fights throughout training, I wasn’t all that shocked there was one this evening. But did it really have to occur? Did Eren really need to protest his issue with my placement in the Top Ten? Did he – did he – ?

“Eren Jaeger,” I growled his name through clenched teeth. Wincing, I held my cheek again, gently rubbing the skin, wishing the stinging would go away. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was already a bruise forming. And then the reality of the situation crashed through me.

Not only had I been humiliated in front of all my friends and comrades with my still wet hair, but I had been verbally attacked and then received a punch straight to the face. The night of graduation I’d imagined was obviously nothing as it had evidently played out, and needless to say, I was hurt. For so long, I envisioned this night to be full of laughter, conversation and an evening of enjoyment with my friends. We would eat as much food as possible, dance, drink and just celebrate our achievement, that we survived and were now soldiers. 

I sighed, one lone tear escaping, trailing down the side I wasn’t touching, as if my inner emotions wanted to heal the external injury. 

“E-Emalina...?”

Turning the side of my face that wasn’t bursting with flares of pain, I angled my head behind me, noticing Jean standing outside one of the stables. The Jean I was used to, and the one I had seen tonight, weren’t even comparable to the Jean Kirschtein who was seeking me now. The man looked defeated, eyes wide in discomfort as his body sagged against himself. Gingerly closing the gap between us, my friend deliberately strode to my right, the side he had hit as he held onto the wooden planks of the fence. Freyja happily greeted the man she’d come to recognize as he stroked her snout. I expected there to be tension between us, but the air was clean, free of any toxicity from my spat with Eren.

Then again, who knew what Jean was thinking about my outburst regarding the Scouts.

“I’m sorry,” was what he said first. I didn’t turn my head, didn’t want the man to see my face. His voice was quiet when I remained silence, not sure how to respond. Of course I was bothered about being punched in the face – who couldn’t? – but I wasn’t mad at Jean; it’s not as if he hit me on purpose. “Emalina I...I’m really sorry,” he pleaded. “Please, you know I wasn’t trying to hurt you...”

“I know,” my voice interjected. There was no need for him to apologize when he had nothing to be sorry for.

Nevertheless, Jean pulled my face towards him, taking hold of my chin as he inspected the infected area. Using his hands as gentle as I’d ever seen, Jean brushed his fingers against the skin. It burned, but I wasn’t sure exactly why. “It’s...already bruising.”

“How bad?”

“It’ll be black and blue by morning,” Jean answered, wincing as he did.

“Look, it could be worse.”

“It shouldn’t have happened at all!”

“But it did.” Taking his hand, I squeezed my fingers, needing the man to know it was ok, that I held no ill will for this accident. “I got between the two of you because I’m tired of the fighting and we didn’t anticipate Eren to use that move on you again.”

Searching my eyes, it seemed Jean didn’t find what he thought was there and loudly exhaled. “I’m still sorry,” his voice pitched slightly higher.

“Jean, I’m not mad at you, not at all.”

“...I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” he muttered quietly, avoiding my gaze as he turned his body. Facing away with his back towards me, I reached forward before he decided to leave, my arms circling around his waist to pull him against my smaller frame my face resting against his muscled back. Holding him there, I was afraid, so very afraid and I couldn’t pinpoint why, but I knew the silence on my announcement to join the Scouts was crackled with dangerous energy.

“Don’t say that, don’t ever say that. You haven’t done anything to not deserve my forgiveness.”

My words edged the strain from his shoulders as he pulled me around until we were face-to-face. “Yet,” he added to my previous statement. Glaring up, Jean managed to chuckle. Letting go, he made way back towards the fence, whistling softly as he called for Freyja. She returned to his side, as well as Midnight and Galaxy, all pushing for his attention, giving each a rub and a smile. 

“You know...” he voiced, being quiet for a few moments. Moving to his side, we both stared forward, patiently waiting for him to gather his thoughts. “This is off topic, but...I was kinda surprised what you told Mikasa.”

“That I’d burn her scarf?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not entirely happy with myself for saying that, I was...I was just so tired of her always protecting Eren, rather than those he fights with, the things he says to others. She – She just stood there while he attacked me; I’d had enough and lost it!”

“I get that Ema, but that was a bit much, don’t you think?” Blinking, I breathed in and out. My irritation rising within me once more; but more to the point, was Jean on Mikasa’s side for what I said?

“Um, forgive me, but...are you...are you _defending_ her?” I stated lowly, raising an eyebrow.

“What? No!”

“That’s not what it sounds like. You just said my words _‘were a bit much’_. If that’s not taking her side for what I said, then what did you mean?”

“That’s not...! Ugh,” he growled, rubbing his face, staring off into the distance. “All I’m saying is that what you said didn’t sound like you at all. Your words were a bit dark, not something the Emalina I know would normally say.”

“Then why are you out here with me then?” _That got his attention,_ I thought, as Jean slowly narrowed his eyes. “If what I said was too dark, why aren’t you inside with Mikasa, telling her you’re sorry on my behalf? Because I don’t regret any of it and wouldn’t change my words.”

“Ema...”

“And since we’re on this topic...” Turning, I crossed my arms, glaring at him, my voice continuing to rise. “Why on earth would you argue with Eren for me, but not against Mikasa? She’s just as guilty by not stopping Eren for pouring not one, but _two_ , drinks on me and verbally harassing me in front of everyone.”

“Emalina...!”

“So why aren’t you with her, Jean?!” I could feel myself rambling, beginning to pace back and forth as the poor male stood there, watching my every move. “You’ve had your eyes on her since Initiation. Her hair, her strength, her attachment to Eren. Mikasa this, Mikasa that,” I mimicked. “Seriously! Why be out here with me? You could be inside next to her! She’s always what you wanted, it’s _always_ been Mikasa!”

Nearly screaming my anger, the echo through the night fell silent, halting my steps. Lowering my head into my hands, I desperately held back the tears. Tears of anger, tears of pain. What kind of person had I been today? Jean was right. I wouldn’t normally say such a thing to anyone, and even though my reasoning of being fed up was the truth, it felt as an excuse all the same. 

Nonetheless, one could now say my jealously was out in the open. Maybe Jean had known, maybe he hadn’t. Didn’t matter, for now he knew I knew Mikasa was the one he wanted – and that I wasn’t.

“...is that what you think?” His footsteps crunched heavily against the ground. Feeling his presence behind me, I dropped both arms against my sides, simply standing there as my head fell back, staring high into the starry night sky. 

“Emalina...Mikasa is not my best friend; you are. And I won’t apologize to her because I agree with you. Mikasa was out of line when she didn’t step forward. She always seems to let Eren’s antics slide, but never lets anyone attack him when he deserves it.” Covering my shoulders with his large hands, Jean rubbed up and down against the covered skin of my arms. The sensation was soothing and I bit my lip, refraining myself from releasing a hefty moan. Sadly, the fear of losing him overwhelmed my senses, blocking Jean’s words and the hidden meaning. 

“She’s...she’s the one you’ve fallen for since Initiation,” I rephrased my sentence, the quietness of my voice barely audible.

“No, she isn’t,” he replied quickly. Stepping closer, I could feel the heat of his breath against my neck, one hand moving my drying hair over the shoulder. His fingers brushed my neck, tracing designs, causing the skin to tingle and bring forth electrifying goosebumps. “Emalina...” he whispered into my ear, leaning his head down against my shoulder. “Mikasa is nothing more than a comrade...”

“But you...”

“Her hair is plain; yours shimmers. She is strong, but that’s her only good quality as a soldier; you’re stronger, in more ways than her. Mikasa only thinks of Eren whereas you have a huge heart, always considering others and helping whenever you can.” Each word escaping his mouth, Jean moved closer to facing me head on. “Mikasa has nothing compared to you, Emalina. Yes, I was infatuated with her when we started training, but the more we spent together, the less I thought of her.”

I remained quiet, happiness pulsing my blood, needing to hear what else he had to say.

“You, Emalina Varlen, are so beautiful, so goddamn incredible. Every day I have woken up and questioned why me. Why would a person like you be my friend and deal with my shit? I know I’m stubborn and that I can be an ass. But you? You’re...in my eyes, you’re a goddess. When you hug me, I never want to let go. When you cry, my heart breaks because I can’t stand to see you upset. When you’re happy, I’m the first person you tell and that gives me joy.” Clearing his throat, Jean was struggling with locking gazes with mine.

“I want to make you happy, to see your smile that always brightens my day. The way you laugh, the way you treat others so fairly, your kindness and how...” Cupping my cheek, Jean leaned forward, his lips landing against my temple. Leaning into his frame, I raised my head, desiring more pressure from his kiss against my flesh. “How you’ve given me a chance. A chance to prove myself as a friend, a chance to become...” He grew quiet as his forehead fell against mine.

My voice was frail as I meekly called his name. “...Jean?”

“You made me the soldier I am today. From day one, you believed in my wanting to join the MP’s and never gave me shit for it. You laughed at my stupid jokes and played along with my antics. You’re...” Pulling away, his palms found my cheeks, pulling our faces closer, noses touching until his voice was just as quiet as mine. “...you’re perfect, simply perfect and I’ve only wanted you. Emalina Varlen I...I love you. I love you so very much...”

That was all I needed to hear. 

Jean was not given the chance to see my expression as I threw myself at the man, tightening my arms around his neck, fists forming in his hair. Our lips formed together, earning an instant moan from me and a deep-throated growl from him. Nudging me against the corral fence, Jean trapped me within his arms, hands gripping my hips, our bodies pressed tightly together. Leaning downwards, he tenderly licked my bottom lip and I gave him everything. His tongue darted towards mine, and all we could comprehend was consuming each other. Here stood the man I loved, and consequently, the man who loved me as well. 

We flowed together like two pieces needed to complete the puzzle. Jean’s body holding mine was warm and the moment our lips met, the flood gates consumed my senses. There had been several instances over the last few weeks where we found ourselves in a similar situation, but something, or someone, always broke the spell, and we were never able to discover the magic. And now? All I could ascertain was Jean; his fingers digging into my skin, one hand circling around my back, pulling me ever closer against his taller frame, and his tongue. The muscle currently intertwining mine as we shared our kiss, the first of what I was hoping would be many, many more.

And yet, I was still lost. What was happening? How long had we been kissing? Better yet, was this all a dream, or true reality? This couldn’t happen, it would never work. Opening my eyes to see his closed, I whimpered, knowing Jean and I would never truly work as a couple.

Gently shoving the man on his chest, Jean tore his lips away as I traced mine, arms circling around me, protecting myself from false hope. 

“Ema...” he voiced my nickname, reaching forward to grasp my cheek, but I turned my head, his hand falling, eyes crushed by my action. 

“Jean this...this can’t happen...”

“What, what do you mean?” he stumbled with his words.

_“This,”_ I emphasized, waving my hand back and forth between us. “It would never work and you know that,” I cried. Tears I forbade from shedding earlier were overflowing down my cheeks. My statement was a lie, and it was killing me to even speak. “Y-You’re joining the MP’s and I...I’m joining the Scouts. We would never see each other...”

“So I’ll join the Scouts.” My head short forward. Jean’s face was stern and I knew this was the face he held when the man was serious and had already made up his mind. “Or you can join the Military Police. Either way, I _will_ make this work because _I_ want it to work. I’ve told you so many times, Emalina. I cannot, and will not, lose you.”

“There’s no other way, Jean...” I whispered, hugging my arms against myself, needing some form of comfort, knowing I was all alone.

“How so? Is it set in stone you’re joining the Scouts?” He was taken aback when I slowly nodded. “Wait, are you telling me you’ve known you were gonna join the Scouts?” When I nodded again, his face fell into a scowl. “What the hell, how long have you known?!”

_Are you ready to admit the last truth you’ve hidden from him, Emalina?_

“I – I considered the Scouts when I was living with them before training, and then Erwin and Levi made me an offer that edged me closer to join. But I hadn’t come to a conclusion until our first year was done.”

“That...that long?” I nodded once more, not trusting my voice, not with the increase of water covering my cheeks. With a pained voice, Jean dared to ask, “Why haven’t you said anything to me?”

“How could I?” was my immediate rebuttal. “For three years you’ve condemned anyone who wanted to join the Scouts, always stating it was their death wish. I sat by your side for three years, withholding in telling you where I wanted to join because I was afraid you would treat me the same way!”

“I would never Emalina and you know that!” he growled, body shaking in anger.

“Really? What about now?”

“I’m more frustrated at the fact you never told me!”

“This is my choice, Jean,” I calmly stated. Relaxing my gaze, I didn’t want to be mad, couldn’t truly be mad at him; I loved Jean too damn much to become pitiful. “Trust me when I say this, Jean. I’ve battled myself thinking of joining the MP’s because I want to stay with you and Marco. I _can’t_ lose you either. But the more I considered switching regiments, the more disrespect I held against myself. Becoming a Scout means I can attempt, with everything in my power, to protect those I love.” With more tears falling, I softly added. “I’m joining the Scouts to protect you. Outside the walls, I plan to fight with all my strength and willpower, safeguarding the titans will never break through the wall and find you. Out there, I can keep those bastards at bay, knowing you are safe and alive inside the inner wall.”

“Emalina that’s...” Swallowing, he returned to his position in front of me. “I still believe that’s suicide...but you’re not like Eren, and you’ve never been like him. But I can’t...I can’t just accept you in joining!”

“You’re gonna have to, Jean,” my tone was sharp, but he needed to know my mind had been made up, and there was no backing down. “My mind is set – ”

“No!” He yelled, grabbing me by the shoulders as my gaze widened. “You cannot do this and I won’t allow it.”

“You won’t _allow_ it? Excuse me Jean, but you don’t own me, you do not get to make my decisions.” Lower his head until we were eye level, I recoiled, suddenly needing to move away. Jean’s eyes held a fire I’d never seen. Scorching hot, they burned with such intensity and conviction, I had to question myself this:

Was this anger from my simply joining the Scouts, or was this because I wouldn’t remain by his side?

“ _Please_ Emalina...I understand why you want to join and I’ve accepted you’re reasoning, but I can’t simply let you go out there to die!”

“If you truly accepted my reasoning, then you’ll let me go. This is something I’m set on doing and I cannot change it!”

Huffing, Jean released my shoulders and stepped back. The fire I witnessed in his eyes was now extinguished, having been replaced with a bitter stare of indifference, as if he was looking at an acquaintance, and not me, his best friend, the person he said he loved. “Heh...you say you can’t let me go Emalina, but you’re so quick to leave me for the Scouts. Are you wanting to die? Are you wanting to be eaten by a titan?!”

“What...? No! Jean!”

“I should’ve known...all this time I wished you felt the same. I was hopeful these last few weeks as I thought maybe, _just maybe_ , you held something for me as I do. But...it looks like I was sorely mistaken.” Stepping back, Jean removed himself to leave. Rushing after him, I grabbed his arm, deathly afraid what this meant for us. 

_“Jean!”_ I cried.

“Leave me alone, Emalina. I don’t want to be near you.” Quiet and filled with devastation, Jean’s demeanor screamed to leave him alone, but as he looked at me one last time, his face was told me differently. I saw anguish, pain, and hope? Why was their hope if he believed I didn’t reciprocate the same feelings as him? Slowly, the muscles in my hand relaxed and fell, allowing Jean to advance forward, never looking back as he moved on out of sight, leaving me behind near the corral with an unknown atmosphere choking my very existence. 

Jean had said the same thing earlier that I hadn’t sounded like myself when I spoke with Mikasa. Well, I knew Jean Kirschtein in and out; what he said did not sound like him at all, at least, not when his words were directed at me specifically. The man was pushing me away, defending his inner self from fear I was rejecting his proclamation. Either way, it hurt worse than the bruise forming on my cheek, and as I ran back to the fence, jumping over the wood, Freyja sensed my change and heartily trotted towards my side. Comforted by my oldest friend, I wept and collapsed into the dirt, allowing the events of the night to crash into my mental state, finally able to perceive everything that transpired and how the evening fell apart.

I hadn’t been paying attention to the time, nor how long I’d been outside until Marco went and searched for me. When he found where I was, Marco stated his concern that I’d been out here a few hours. Apparently, he had questioned Jean why I wasn’t with him when he returned and gave him no answer before he left to his own room. Not knowing what to say, I decided to stay silent on what happened between Jean and I. Catching the hint, Marco guided me to my personal room, noting the redness of my eyes, never questioning the cause. 

He asked if I needed anything before leaving, but all I wanted was my bed and some sleep. Granting me that, I quickly tore my clothing, throwing the items across the room, searching for my night clothes, and when I was finally dressed, I threw myself onto the bed, curling into the blanket. Wanting nothing more than for sleep to curl in my bed along my side, I couldn’t help but reimagine the kiss we shared, all before...well, before we had our fall out. 

_Oh Jean...we choose our regiments the day after tomorrow. If you can hear me, please...I love you, and wherever our paths take us, I will always love you._

~ oOo ~

“Can you guys keep a secret?” 

Sasha appeared atop the wall, walking towards us with her arms crossed over the bulge in her military jacket. I was stationed with other cadets to inspect canons and other artillery needed if there was to be another titan attack, so we were placed upon the wall above the Trost District gate, overlooking the distant land between Wall Rose and Wall Maria. Eren had been assigned to this group as well and I’d avoided speaking with him all morning. And yet, there comes my best friend Sasha as she pulled a giant piece of beautiful meat from underneath her jacket.

“Because I totally just helped myself to the officer’s pantry!” she silently squealed. The other cadets nearly shit their pants while I laughed my head off. Kneeling against of the canons close by, Sasha grinned at me as I shook my head before getting back to my work of cleaning and oiling the beast of a machine. Not wanting to avoid her gaze, I decided against meting her eye, she would only question the slight redness, including the swell of my cheek. Jean was right, it was definitely black and blue when looking in the mirror this morning. 

The other cadets told her she would get in a lot of trouble, but with drool falling from her lips, Sasha was out of her mind. “It’s fine, I’m willing to share. Could you...could you imagine the _sandwiches?!_ ”

Wanting to see the expressions of the other cadets, I wasn’t all surprised when they were drooling as well, imaging what it would be to have a sandwich with meat once again. Mina had stated it, meat was a rare commodity since we lost Wall Maria, yet one by one, each pleaded to have a sandwich, followed by the others while Eren stared at the others. He finally spoke up when he asked, “Ugh, fine. I’d like some meat as well, please.”

“No,” Sasha stated firmly, placing the meat in a nearby storage box. Kneeling down, she closed the lid, her eyes narrowed when she glanced at Eren. “After the way you treated Emalina last night, you don’t deserve any meat.”

Back going rigid, I slowly turned to see her giving me a soft smile, all the while Eren stared wide-eyed at her before glaring at me. Shaking my head, I didn’t want there to be problems between my friends and Eren at my expense, so I returned to completing my task on the canon. “Sasha please, it’s alright. Eren can have my piece.”

“But Emalina...” she said.

“It’s alright. He was an asshole last night, that’s for sure, but I don’t want you treating him differently on my behalf, that’s not right.”

I gave no heed to their expression, but could tell Sasha was conflicted. “You’re lucky Emalina’s a generous person, Eren.” He remained quiet, as did everyone else while they returned to their task, as not to be caught slacking off by another soldier. We worked independently, our silent voices content as we fixed to improve and keep the artillery in perfect condition. 

If only, if only.

Igniting the sky with a blast of yellow electricity, we were suddenly engulfed in titan steam; the other cadets and myself strained our attention to face forward towards the open titan territory – and there it stood.

_The Colossal Titan._

Blood red and skinless, the stories I’d heard were true. The formidable titan stared down at us like ants, and in the blink of an eye, it exploded an intense vapor of fiery steam, thrashing us until we were thrown off the wall, scrambling with the ODM to save our lives. Connie was screaming towards Samuel when Sasha released her gear and ran down the wall, releasing the wire until it snatched his leg, holding the man in place from an impending death.

Gasping in fear and shock, we all stared down at the gate, mouths open in disbelief. Just like five years ago, the titan smashed its foot into the wall, leaving behind an open space large enough for all titans to enter unprohibited. Frantically searching to see if all the cadets were safe, we clung to the wall for safety, but I knew we needed to move. Any minute there would be titans appearing through the hole, and if we didn’t act fast, humanity would surely be doomed. 

“This is our chance!” Eren was yelled, quickly bursting his gas to maneuver over the wall. The others made to follow but I held up my hand to stop them.

“Wait!” I screamed, intently watching the Colossal, analyzing and predicting his moves. “Cover your heads!” They followed as we watched the titan’s blood red arm slam atop the wall, whisking across the length, breaking and beating until the tracks and canons were no more. 

Within in a matter of seconds, it was over. The damn titan no longer loomed over our fears as it disappeared, leaving just as soon as it arrived. Making our way towards the top, I assisted Sasha with Samuel; the poor cadet was unconscious with a nasty slice above his temple, and let’s not forget the spike spearing through his ankle. Flabbergasted, I watched the other cadets as they stared down the wall, scared out of their wits what this meant. 

No one dared to speak, except for Sasha as she removed the spike from Samuel’s leg, carefully wrapping the wound before joining my side. We needed to take action, someone needed to lead these individuals back towards Headquarters. I commend Eren in attempting to take down the Colossal Titan, but with its disappearance and the threat of titans breaching the city, we had to act quickly, needed to be the soldiers we’d just become and prove our worth in saving Trost. Stepping forward, I raised my voice to the heavens, because it was now or never.

“Come on you guys. I know we’re all in shock, but we need to get moving! We need to get to Headquarters and report what we saw!”

“She’s right guys,” Sasha stepped forward as several pairs of eyes turned to us.

“B-But there’s titans...!” Connie stumbled, fear clearly written across his face. 

“I _know_ Connie, trust me. We have some time, but not long, so we must use it wisely and head back.” The others nodded except for Eren, who I briefly passed my sight over. If he was gonna give me shit, I wouldn’t deal with it; not now, when my main concern was guaranteeing we made it back to HQ. “Connie, Eren, I need one of you to carry Samuel. Sasha, Mina, Thomas. You guys go on ahead and inform all the Garrison soldiers you can find what has happened. Let them know the gates been breached and all the main canons have been destroyed.” No one moved an inch so I stepped forward, raising my voice even more. “Chop chop, guys! We are on a time limit, and the more we dillydally, the more lives will die today. _Now move!_ ”

One by one they left, the distant trail of their gas the only evidence I could find once they were out of sight. Standing on the wall for a few moments, I assessed the damage, knowing it was pointless, but was hoping there was something to be salvaged. Growling, I left as well, jumping down the height of the wall before activating my ODM, soaring across the buildings, watching as citizens down below ran from their homes. Children screamed and people ran into each other. It seemed the evacuation drills the Garrison tested was effective as hordes of people moved towards the inner gate, seeking sanctuary within the land buried between Wall Rose and Wall Sina. Gazing upon the people running for their lives, I glanced back at the large, gaping hole; no titans had appeared just yet, giving us a bit more time to prepare. 

I was nowhere near Headquarters when I slammed my feet into the ceiling tile of a random house, my boots clinking against the fragile plates. Heart hammering within my ribcage, I glanced once more at the gate and then towards the towering castle-like structure that was the Headquarters for the Military within Trost District. Since the Colossal broke through the gate, I was solely fixated on getting the other cadets moving, but as I stood there, frantically searching the streets and the rooftops, one face entered my memory, one face that I needed to know was safe and sound.

**_“Jean!”_ **

Screaming into the air, I jumped off the roof and continued flying through the city. Winding through the buildings, I pushed my gas swiftly as possible. Reaching Headquarters within a matter of minutes, I saw the other cadets rushing around, some carrying supply crates, others attaching their gear, filling their tanks or replenishing their blades. Across the open courtyard, I saw Jean run into Eren, the latter shoving my friend into a stone pillar, growling into his face.

“Damnit Jean, we trained for this! What do you think the last three years were about, huh?!” Idly standing by, my curiosity rose at what else Eren had to say, completely forgetting about the danger we were about to face. “We survived, and stared death in this face where some others weren’t able to do the same. Some died, but we made it. We powered through for three years, what’s one more day. You can do this Jean, alright? If not for yourself...” Craning his neck at me, Jean followed his gaze as they both sought my face. Expression slightly falling, it was just enough I could tell Jean was remembering the previous night’s events; he refused to blink the moment he saw me. Gripping Jean’s jacket tighter and shoving him further into the pillar, Eren coldly said, “Don’t survive this day just so you can join the Military Police. Survive for _her!_ ” 

Letting my friend go, Eren stalked off as Jean stared blankly ahead yet I still made my way towards him. Raising his head, Jean was shaking. The man was terrified for he truly believed he would never have to encounter a fight with a titan, that he would always be safe within the interior. “Jean” I called softly. He inhaled deeply before saying my name in return while barely a sigh escaped his lips. “I...kinda overheard what Eren said to you. Look,” knotting both hands, my stomach felt queasy. “Regardless of what you think, we will get through this, I promise you that.” 

“There’s no way...just, no way we can win.”

“Yes, we can!” Grasping his hands, I held them in front for both to see. “Do you see these? Do you see your hands? They have guided you through training, making you a strong soldier and will help for one more day. These hands will carry your blades with courage, cutting down every titan that crosses your breath.” Sighing, my thumbs smoothed over his course skin. Simply doing this action had my breathing increase. “Whether we like it or not, Eren was right; we _must_ survive this day.”

“Why...” Taking his hands from mine, Jean was struggling, limbs shaking as he pulled me into the shadows, away from any prying eyes. “Why aren’t you terrified, Emalina?”

“Oh, sweetie...” What was I supposed to say? Mumbling, I uttered, “I’m horrified, completely and utterly scared today could end horribly. I’ve seen firsthand what these monsters can do, the horrors they bring so I know what to expect. Besides, you’ve known all this time why I became a soldier.” Grasping his cheek, I brought our faces together, barely touching. “This fear will not restrain me from keeping my promise to those I love, and that includes you, Jean, whether you believe me or not.”

_“Varlen!”_ Letting Jean go, I saluted to Ian Dietrich, member of the Elite Squad for the Garrisons located within Trost. 

“Sir!”

“You’re with me, you’ve been assigned to the Rear Guard on special orders. Let’s get going.”

“O-Oh?”

“Yes, you’re one of the strongest from your graduating class. We need your skills to assist with evacuating the citizens, so you and Ackerman will join me and my comrades.”

“Yes sir, I-I just need a quick minute, please.” Ian flashed his eyes towards Jean then back at me.

“Make it quick.”

When Ian left, Jean regained his voice, the same tone I knew and loved. “Ema, I need to tell you...about last night...”

“No Jean, now is not the time – ”

“Now may be the _last_ time!” Folding me into his frame, Jean kissed my head. Breathing in his wonderful scent, I burned this memory, engraving this special moment in preparation for the worst. “This could be the last time I hold you like this.”

Staring up at him with wide eyes, I was reminded where my fear actually lay. Fighting against the titans wasn’t what I was scared me. Terrifying, yes, however, I wasn’t afraid. No, I was more fearful of losing this man holding me within his arms. Who knew, by this evening, there could be the chance that I would never feel his warmth surround me again.

“We _will_ win this, Jean. You and I will survive to see another sunrise, another day to live our lives, where you will join the Military Police and I the Scouts. Let’s fight as soldiers, side-by-side, and win this day back against these horrendous beasts. Let’s send them to hell for even thinking of destroying _our_ chance at happiness.”

Standing on my tiptoes, my lips fell upon his, firmly molding us together, as one single drop of anguish fell down my cheek, becoming absorbed in our embrace. Sadly, I forced myself to let go, taking a few steps back; otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to leave this man’s presence.

“I love you, Jean Kirschtein.” I whispered, my eyes locked directly onto his beautiful, golden orbs.

And those were my last words before I turned and ran across Headquarters to join the Elite Squad. My heart hammered and my head was screaming, yet I knew he deserved the truth. One of us might die before the day runs cold, with my only wish for Jean was to be hopeful. I wanted my last words to comfort him, to give him strength in battle with a promise to hold me once more when all this madness was truly over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun to create. Bit hard to develop an angry aura for Emalina, but from the beginning, I knew these events would correspond in such a way. My only wish is for my readers to enjoy what I have presented. Let me know what ya’ll think; your words and suggestions – or even constructive criticism! – are very much appreciated and helps with writing the next chapter.
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


	10. The Fight for Trost Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy One Year Anniversary! Can’t believe it’s already been a year and I am so happy with this story. And to all my readers, as this is something I want to try, I have a challenge for you!
> 
> If Silence Has Been My Only Friend can receive TEN comments by next Tuesday, 2/26, I will upload the next chapter by the following day. Two chapters in one week for only ten comments? I call that a steal of a deal :)
> 
> And please forgive any mistakes, I went through this really quickly.
> 
> Disclaimer: Attack on Titan does not belong to me, I only own Emalina and any other OC’s. The new story picture does not belong to me. I hold no Copyright and found the it through Google Images.

Point of View  
Emalina

Before I could even see, I smelled it: _blood._

After being recruited by Ian Dietrich to join the Elite Squad in the Rearguard, we were directly sent to defend the evacuating citizens. Attack beginning in front of our eyes, we rushed to have all the people escape into Wall Rose and were thankful no titans had appeared to eliminate the remaining evacuees; at least, not in the near area of the gate. I’d lost track of time and how long it’d been since leaving Jean at Headquarters, with my mind dancing between remembering the last expression he wore and the danger at hand. 

Instructing me to scour the nearby area to see if there were any lingering people, I searched high and low, skyrocketing through the back half of Trost to find anyone who may need my assistance. Luck had been on my side as I searched for nearly twenty minutes, finding all homes deserted, forgotten belongings scattered the streets as the people left hurriedly, fearing for their lives. Flinging myself atop the closest building, I knelt, scanning for any sudden movement, whether it be a person or a titan. The beasts were slowly making their way through the city and I hadn’t seen one yet, but they were there; they were coming.

Blinking, my head snapped to the left as I jumped towards the roof’s edge, my mind swearing it saw a blur of white and brown flash down the street. Peering over the tile to find what caught my attention, I gasped, gut squeezing tightly as my eyes shadowed the person running the opposite direction of where they should be going. Wasting no time, I ran the length of the roof, keeping my eyes on the individual – able to identify it was female – and track where she was headed. Following this woman, I jumped from roof to roof, clenching my teeth when I glanced downwards once more to see where this person was headed; and that’s when I realized who this was. 

_Jacqueline!_

Tightening my grip on both handhelds, I jumped down, swinging through the street until I was close enough to yell her name, but quiet enough to not acquire any unwanted attention. “M-Mrs. Kirschtein! Jacqueline!!” 

Halting to a skid, Jean’s mother froze as she glanced back at me, her fearful face somewhat brighter the moment she noticed who it was. “Oh my – Emalina!” Running back towards me, I held her close in a tight embrace before pulling the woman closer towards the building, hoping to blend in the shadows. 

“Mrs. Kirschtein what on earth are you _doing?!_ ” I whispered harshly. “You should be evacuating towards the Wall like everyone else!”

“I – I was, trust me! But I couldn’t...I needed...!” Dropping her head into both hands, her shoulders started to shake with sobs as I pulled her close. 

“Jacqueline, tell me what is going on. I need to get you to the gate before it closes!”

Wiping her face, she gently stated, “I was headed towards the wall, but had to come back. There’s...there’s a portrait of Jean I have at home and I-I wanted to take it with me.”

“Mrs. Kirschtein...” I breathed. My mental state was set on surviving and protecting, but I understood her reasoning. How could I be upset? Inhaling deeply, I glanced in all directions, gaining my bearings and locating the Kirschtein house from our position. “Alright, we’re not that far from your home. Here’s the plan: I will take you there, you grab the photo and we head straight for the gate. Alright?”

“Yes!” She nodded frantically. 

Breathing, I took hold of her shoulder, quickly moving between the buildings as I kept my senses on tracking any close titans. I was correct in stated we were close, and within a few minutes we were through her front door. Closing the wood behind me, I watched Jean’s mother run upstairs as I viewed the home I had only been in once before. It remained unchanged and I was thankful for that. Having only been here once, I still considered this place my home, or at least a homely place where I felt safe; this was where Jean grew up, and where Jacqueline lived. 

We’d exchanged letters during the last half of our training and I grew to admire and love the woman. She took me in that one night, allowing me a place to stay and food to eat, treating me as if she’d known me for a long time, to which I was grateful. Yes, she was Jean’s mother and I wanted to treat her with respect, but respect wasn’t due on his behalf when I truly cherished the woman. She raised Jean all on her own after her husband left for another woman; she fed him, clothed her son and raised him to be a somewhat gentleman, but still a good man. 

Maybe this why I took her back home instead of going straight towards the gate.

“I got it!” Jacqueline stated quickly, running down the stairs as she met me by the door. Holding the portrait in my direction, I took the wooden frame, fingers tracing over the glass of Jean’s structured jaw, appreciating the likeness of the drawing. Swallowing the sudden sadness, I gave the frame back towards her as I clasped the door handle.

“We head straight for the gate. Run as fast as you can, alright? Do not call my name unless you need help, that way I know you’re in trouble. Alright?” She nodded, and just as I opened the door, Jacqueline tugged on my jacket. Noticing her wide eyes, I asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I...Emalina, please, can I...ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Can you tell me where Jean is?” she pleaded, clutching the portrait closer to her heart.

Sighing, I sheathed my blades and took hold of her shoulders, looking her square in the eye. “Jean is with the other soldier trainees who were sent to guard the central part of Trost. Each were separated into their own squads; which squad he is in, I have no idea because I was listed to join the Elites in the back.” Body shaking, Jacqueline dropped her head, but I adamantly said, “Listen at me.” She raised her eyes, the same color as her sons. “Jean _will_ survive, I know the soldier he has become; he is strong and keen on how to use our ODM gear to his advantage. Your son will not fail.”

“I...” She dropped a tear but was still able to give a small smile; I was only hoping my words were of some comfort. “Yes, you’re right. Jean is a stubborn boy but he is strong. I will see him again.”

“You sure will. And when this is all over, the three of us will have dinner once more.” Smiling at the idea, I checked the outside again as I motioned for us to leave. There were still no titans in sight and I was questioning my luck. How could there _still_ be no titans? Regardless, I held Jacqueline’s hand tightly because her life depended on it, and I would do anything to save this woman. She was Jean’s mother, and she was a woman I wanted to see again in the future. 

And so, we ran. 

Fleeing through the deserted streets, we moved quickly, and the closer we grew to the gate, the more concerned I became. The wall was two streets over and suddenly, my feet halted, Jacqueline running into my back as I turned in the direction we just came, gasping as the noises I heard were confirmed. Before us, a few hundred or so feet away, stood two different titans, one a ten-meter and the other, a five-meter, their ugly faces moving in our direction as they turned around the corner.

“Oh god...” Jacqueline muttered, body trembling as she stepped backwards, wanting to escape. Standing in front, I removed my blades, gripping the handles as I kept my eyes on the two monsters, their heavy steps slowly inching towards us. 

“Run,” my voice commanded, never once looking back. The moment I lost vision, our deaths would be imminent. Whimpering, Mrs. Kirschtein didn’t move and I hated to raise my voice, but this wasn’t a time to panic. “Run, run to the gate – _now!”_

Her footsteps thumping against the stone, I was content when the distant sound of her running diminished, comfortable knowing she was a far enough distance away so I could take down these beasts. One step forward led into running, swinging into my harness, directing my body to swivel and spin around the buildings before linking my wire to the shorter titan’s neck. Gas increased and momentum leading me forward, I hurled my arms, blades slicing through the thick skin, having landed the killing blow.

“One down,” I muttered, never stopping my movement; as soon as I stopped, I would die. And I was not ready to die.

As the smaller titan fell dead, its body dissolving into the air, my attention caught off guard to see the ten-meter lose desire with me and was moving quickly towards Mrs. Kirschtein’s direction. Raging with anger, I screamed, bursting my speed as swift as it allowed, inching closer and closer, still out of range for an efficient attack. 

The wall was growing closer and I was unaware the gate being blocked, the remaining citizens trapped to an attacking titan. My hands were stinging from my grip on both handhelds, fingers turning white as I held the specific levers down, allowing me to fly through the air. I needed to beat this titan; Mrs. Kirschtein and the lives of others were on the line; their blood would be my responsibility.

_“You stupid bastard!!”_ I cried, raising my arms up to attack, noting, at the last minute, the titan’s arm raised to smack me out of the way. Spinning, I pivoted around the damn limb, barely missing being smack to death. Wires wedged in its skin, I landed on the head and stomped my foot before jumping off and slicing its neck, killing it instantly. Falling with the titan until it collapsed onto the street, I jumped a second before it crashed, my feet skidding against the stone as I stood tall, watching my handiwork. I was proud, for I just defeated my first two titans. 

And by god, it felt so fucking good.

Inhaling deeply, my limbs slightly shook; it wasn’t out of fear, but from excitement. It had taken five years, but I was finally on my way to becoming a Scout, finally able to prove  
I gained the ability to protect my family, my friends – to protect Jean.

“Emalina! Oh thank god!” Shaken from my thoughts, I was grabbed from behind to see Jacqueline hugging my life away. Several other individuals smiled as they thanked me before quickly making through way through the gate, some holding their children close as others were all alone. “Emalina I was so scared for you!”

She made me laugh and considering the way our day was headed, I would need it. “Thank you, Jacqueline, but I’m fine. This is what I trained for, this is what your _son_ has trained for.”

“You’re...”

“Ma’am, I’m sorry but we need to close the gate.” It was Ian as he jumped down from the roof, Mikasa by his side. Mrs. Kirschtein nodded as she turned to leave, looking at me one last time.

“I am so thankful you helped me, Emalina. This portrait of Jean...I held it every night before I went to bed while you both were at training.” Quiet for a moment, she continued. “Please, I have a favor to ask.”

“Anything,” I answered, just as before. Taking her hands within mine, I wanted this woman to know I cared for her. Jacqueline wasn’t my mother, not, and yet, I saw her as a mother figured I had missed these last five years, someone I could turn to if in need.

“Please, please keep my son safe; h-he’s all I have left,” she said, tears forming in her eyes. 

“Without a doubt,” I answered instantly. “Your son, Jacqueline...I love him, and regardless of a titan attack or something else, I would do anything in my power to keep him safe. I will bring him home safely and we will survive this day.”

“You, you truly...?” Widening her eyes, she realized what I had stated.

“Yes,” I smiled, knowing she understood my intent. Just with her son, I wanted Jean’s mother to find hope in my words. “But you need to go. I’ll find Jean and we will protect each other. After this is over, we’ll find you, I promise.”

“Thank you, thank you!” Embracing me one last time, I watched the woman walk away, our gazes connected and held until the thick, stone gate lowered before attaching to the ground once more. Hand upon my shoulder, Ian nodded his head.

“Your first kills were respectable, I’m impressed; very strategic with good use of your gas. No wonder you were ranked number one.”

I scoffed. “Thanks, but that’s just a number to me. I won’t be using my rank to join the MP’s.”

“You won’t?” he questioned, a look of surprise crossing his features.

“No, I’ve...never wanted to join their regiment. Ahh?” Holding my hand out, I was shocked to feel the patter of water droplets against my skin. Rain instantly poured from the sky, the very heavens crying over the death and destruction this city would see by the end of the day. Tugging my jacket closer to my body, I adjusted the straps of my gear in certain places, accepting the coldness of the rain seeping into my bones. It was then I heard it: the heavy reverberation of their footsteps.

There were more incoming titans. 

Drawing both blades, my eyes narrowed in anticipation. I’d been wanting to murder these beasts the moment my parents were eaten. The battle to obtain revenge had long been gone from my desire, replaced with my need to defend all around me, whether I knew them or not. This intensity only grew through training and there was no way in hell this desire would ever diminish, for I befriended some amazing people. If need be, I would lay my life on the line for them, no questions asked. 

Ian, Mikasa and I flew through the air, going in different directions as we all slayed titan after titan, their lifeless forms crashing into buildings and streets, steam the only remembrance of the threat they once had in our world. But it wasn’t enough. Slicing through the necks of more titans, it was a never-ending process. When I began training with the ODM gear, way before I joined the Cadet Corp, I’d always considered myself flying when in the air. This would be the first time I’d actually used the military gear in order to take down these monsters. Now, I wasn’t just flying. This was a form of dancing. 

A dance of death, it seemed, as the scent of blood flooded my senses. 

Rain continued to pelt into our bodies, the downpour not letting up as the sky darkened and remained grey. My blades had probably eliminated a dozen titans, possibly more, not including what the rest of the Elite Squad had done. Attacking the last titan in the area, I stopped atop the closest building, tossing my dull blades to the ground and replacing them as Ian and Mikasa joined our side. 

“How can you two be so nonchalant about all this?” His sudden question had my ears raised as we both turned sharply to the elite soldier. “I’m sorry, that was inconsiderate.” Mikasa only pulled the red scarf over her face as I answered for the two of us.

“Because we’ve seen what the titans can do; this isn’t anything new.”

Ian gasped. “You mean...? You’re both from Shiganshina?”

“I am, not her,” Mikasa answered, still not looking in his direction.

Rubbing my arms, I said quietly, “I’m from Uma.” I never thought it would become this easy to say the name of my hometown.

“Uma...” he gasped. “Levi never stated that.”

“That’s because I asked him not to; I was the only survivor.” Our conversation cut short when another Elite soldier dropped beside Ian, relaying a quick message before leaving.

“Alright. It seems we’re in the clear, we can now scale the wall.”

“Not just yet, sir. I’m gonna help the Vanguard withdraw!” 

“Ackerman, wait!” But she sped off through the air, jumping from roof to roof until she was out of sight. Taking a deep breath, I readied my handhelds, knowing the remaining Vanguard could be anywhere, or if there was anyone remaining. “You’re headed with her, huh.” A statement, not a question.

“Yes,” my voice firm. “Our task was to have all the citizens safely evacuated, and we did that. I need to make sure my comrades return safely. Their lives are just as important!” Though I intended to stay firm, my temper was rising at the thought of my friends’ locations, the possibility that they could be injured – or worse. 

“Then go, I commend you and Mikasa for wanting to help them. Just stay safe and make it back alive. You’re an incredible soldier Varlen, and I would be disappointed if we lost you; you’d make a great Garrison.”

Smiling, there was a reason I had always liked Ian. “Tell Levi that next time you see him, you might make him laugh.”

“Ah, I see,” he laughed as well. “We’ll save that talk for another time. Go. Help your friends, especially that male from earlier, he seemed pretty special to you.”

“Yeah,” my voice was soft. Despite the cold of the rain, my cheeks were heated. “He is, and I would be lost in this world without him.” Jumping off the rooftop, I was gone, soaring through the wind, taking down any and all titans I saw. Seeking my comrades was now my goal, yet, where was I to look? Where would they be? Better yet, all the trainees were separated in squads, were the squads still divided or were they all together?

_Oh, how I wish Levi was here with me._

Levi, and the entire Scout Regiment, left earlier that morning for a reconnaissance mission to patrol the surrounding area. I wasn’t there when they left through the gate, rather giving him my goodbye after breakfast, having the man make me the same promise he always had before leaving on another mission: that he would always come back to me. The man saved me from certain death, and since then, I have stayed by his side, studying his techniques and learning all that I could. For two years before joining the Cadets, I was glued to Levi, the man becoming the first individual I learned to trust after the death of my parents. And in the two years I lived among the Scouts, Levi Ackerman has become a man I love with all my heart; a friend, a future comrade, but most importantly?

I love him as the brother I never had.

~ oOo ~

**Flashback**

**One Day After Titan Outbreak**

 

_“Run, Freyja!”_

_I remember screaming into the hours after dawn. The day before had been a living hell when the titans had broken through the wall and attacked, with my steed and I racing against the clock to find safety and other survivors. Trost District was the only walled city I’d traveled too and knew where to guide my horse, though the traverse from my destroyed village had been a nightmare. Having been chased by titans, not knowing how I evaded them the remaining day and into the night, it amazed me I had even survived._

_When day broke less than twenty-four hours after my parents were eaten, I came across the buildings in front of the gate leading to the city of Trost. My voice had never been so loud as I screamed and screamed, begging someone to open the gate, someone to save me. My voice encouraged nearby titans to follow my trail and before long, there were three titans of varying heights chasing me, closing in the closer I grew to the gate._

_Shrieking and yelling hadn’t been enough as my body was thrown from Freyja’s back when a titan’s foot nearly crashed into her, launching me to the ground. Before I could even understand what had happened, the tightness of a monstrous hand clamped around me, lifting me towards its opening mouth, my voice falling quiet as I accepted my end. Death flared through my nostrils, the sickening taste of rotting flesh stuck within the titan’s teeth, my eyes gently closing, willing myself to stay calm, to remember the happiness I had within my short life._

_But then there were human arms hoisting me away, soaring through the sky as death receded, allowing my life to continue in living until my actual time to die was on my doorstep._

_“Oi! Are you alive?”_

_All I remember was seeing a male holding a stoic expression, his semi-long black hair flowing in the wind as steel-grey eyes penetrated mine. The strong voice I owned was now weak, raw from screaming for help. My whisper had the man widen his eyes. “Save my horse...please, save Freyja.”_

~ oOo ~

**Flashback**  
**Three Days After Titan Outbreak**

_“It would seem you’re awake. How’re you feeling?”_

_Groaning at the voice entering my ears, I rolled over in bed, taking my time to wake up and clear my vision. Once my sight could see my surroundings, I grew frightened, forgetting everything that happened, momentarily wishing for my mother and father. Crying their names, the man who spoke grabbed me by the shoulders, his deep, soothing voice drew me back down to his level, the tears streaming down my face cold and full of hopelessness._

_“Where...” Swallowing nothing, considering my throat was raw and parched, I struggled to speak and ask questions. “Where am I?”_

_Standing before me was a tall man with the required military uniform, his jacket sleeve stitched with the insignia for the Scout Regiment symbol. His blonde, combed-over hair and thick eyebrows was an image I’d seen from afar, yet I knew his identity: Erwin Smith, the thirteenth commander for the Scouts. Taking a seat in the chair next to the bed, he calmly said, “You are in the military Headquarters located within Trost District. Do you remember anything that has happened?”_

_“Umm...” Holding the sheets tightly within my fingers, the tears still fell. I knew naught how I managed to make it towards their Headquarters, but the events leading to my escape were clear as day. The memory was fresh and terrifying. “Y-Yes...t-the titans broke through Wall M-Maria and...and...” The scenes were flooding back in frozen images._

_Friends bitten._

_Neighbors devoured._

_Voice screaming._

_Endless shrieks of the dead._

_Blood feel upon Uma like a thunderstorm bringing fresh rain. Drops of deep red stained the grass with limbs, severed heads and lifeless eyes falling onto me, the only survivor to make it out with my life._

_**“MOM!!! DAD!!!”** My voice found its ability to scream, and that’s all I could do. Calling for my parents, yelling all the gory details I witnessed; everything poured from my mouth whether I wanted it to or not. There was a hand softly rubbing my back, allowing me to release the memories without prejudice._

_“Oi, Erwin!” came the same voice I remembered. My head raised, blotchy red and swollen eyes able to recognize the man who saved me from death, his short stature closing the door behind him to the small room I currently occupied. “What’s the brat crying for?”_

_Sniffling, I bravely answered this man. “I-I-I’m not a b-brat!”_

_“Then stop crying.”_

_“Levi,” Erwin stated firmly as the Captain dragged another chair to the opposite side of the Commander and took a seat. “Let her be. It seems she witnessed the titans attack her village.”_

_“Tch, so we need to find this brat’s parents.”_

_**“I DON’T HAVE ANY PARENTS!”** My voice screamed again, it seemed that was all I could do lately. Struggling to kneel on my knees, I stared down Levi, my posture firm despite the frailness I felt in my bones. “My entire village was eaten before my eyes and my parents were one of them! I’m the ONLY survivor!” Punching his arm, Levi remained stoic as he leisurely moved his gaze to the spot on his arm I smacked and my red eyes. “S-So don’t call me a b-brat for crying, you a-asshole!”_

_And though I had seen Levi smile several times in the years I’ve known him, that day was the brightest one he has given me. The second I blinked didn’t compare to the swiftest movement the man possessed as he placed my body to sit on his lap, arms securely holding me as I allowed my head to fall into the crook of his neck. My tiny fingers compared to Levi’s held onto his shirt with barely any fight I had lingering, a fresh wave of tears soaking his weird neck tie while his arms held me firmly._

_“Then continue to cry, brat.”_

_“S-Stop being n-nice just cause I-I punched you.” I could hear Erwin laugh in the background though all my senses ignored him. Levi’s beating heart entered my ears, the gentle thump-thump-thump slowing my need to cry, allowing myself to finally breath fresh air._

_Leaning close to my ear, Levi’s sarcastic voice was soothing, his words held a truth I didn’t understand at that moment. “Don’t get used to it brat, you just remind me of myself. Remember that it’s ok to cry for the ones you’ve lost.”_

~ oOo ~

**Flashback**  
**Two Months After Titan Outbreak**

_“Levi. Levi?”_

_“What the hell do you want, shorty?”_

_“Agh! Seriously, we’ve been over this before. I’m getting taller!” I walked into the Captain’s office at Headquarters, tray in hand with steaming cups and some light snacks. “Besides, I, uh...brought your tea like you asked me too.” Placing the tray on his desk, I stepped back, waiting for the man to finish the current paperwork before sipping the concoction. As he held the rim of the teacup rather than the handle, he sipped the steaming drink, neither smiling or frowning._

_“It’s adequate at best, but consumable,” was his first statement before continuing to complete the pile of paperwork stacked on his desk._

_I smiled and jumped in the air._

_Levi and the other Scouts had me run various errands for them since they saved me two months ago. Erwin allowed me to stay with them until they were able to find a permanent home for me, but with the other citizens struggling for shelter since the fall of Wall Maria, this was the best option for me. Personally? I loved it. The condition to my stay in the Scouts section of Headquarters is that I would occasionally work with various members and run their errands or do anything they might need._

_I made Levi’s tea._

_I delivered paperwork for Erwin._

_I even talked throughout the night with Hange and Moblit about their titan theories._

_And the best part? Erwin introduced me to Annamarie, who was both the head Equestrian Technician for the Scouts and the Equestrian Instructor for the Cadet Corps. When not around Levi, I was attached to Annamarie. She knew the village I was born and instantaneously respected my passion and skills with horses, having me work by her side in the Scouts stables, training incoming foals for future expeditions. And though we hadn’t done so yet, Annamarie had already spoken with Erwin and Ketih Shadis – whom I hadn’t seen in some time – about me accompanying her to assist in working with the new recruits for their equestrian training._

_The two agreed, knowing and understanding my knowledge would benefit both sectors within the military._

_“Oi, shorty.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Shouldn’t you be at the stables with Annamarie.”_

_“Oh, oh yes.” I scrambled out of his office, my voice echoing down the hall, “See you at dinner, Levi!”_

_That’s typically how I spent my days. Most of the time I relaxed in Levi’s office, lounging around on the couch reading whatever I could find or trying to recreate from memory a specific notebook my father had that’d been passed down from his father, and his father before him. The contents were on the secrets and techniques my family used to breed and raise steeds for the military. If I wasn’t in his office, then I was with Freyja. I was so thankful to learn the Scouts were able to save my best friend, for she was the only remembrance of the life I had, and where I came from._

_Later in the evening, I joined the other members in the room they occupied for dinner, rather than consuming their meal in the Mess Hall with the Garrison stationed in Trost. Since the ability of cooking meat has diminished, having lost a good portion of our land for grazing and farming, we had been eating potato soup and bread, though it wasn’t all that bad, considering the alternative: having no food at all._

_“Levi, were you able to complete those forms I gave you?” I was surprised to see Erwin joining with us this evening, as he mostly had his meals in his office, due to the work he had to complete for the Scouts._

_Spoon in hand, the Captain pointed the utensil towards the Commander. “Yeah, yeah, you’ll get them when I finish.”_

_Erwin could only laugh at the man’s statement. “As long as it’s on my desk by tomorrow.” Glancing at me, Erwin asked, “And what of you, Emalina? How are you faring?”_

_Sitting beside Levi, of course, my head nodded enthusiastically. “I’m doing good. Oh! My tea skills have increased. Levi says my tea is now adequate and consumable!” Tugging on Levi’s sleeve, I caught the man’s attention, his eyes that were always narrowed turned in my direction. “You’ll drink my tea again, right?"_

_“As long as the tea doesn’t suck, then I’ll drink it.”_

_In response, Erwin smiled genuinely, causing me to giggle, along with a few others members at the table as well. “That is good to hear. Emalina, I have a task for you in the morning, so meet me in the office when you can, alright?”_

_“Yes sir!”_

_Next to me, Levi patted my head. “Don’t push yourself to hard, shorty.”_

_“I won’t!”_

_More members laughed, yet there was one individual towards the opposite end who chuckled lowly. I hadn’t learned his name; he didn’t seem to approve of me being here as I wasn’t of age nor a Scout. “Little Emalina, so attached to Captain Levi, like she’s his little sister!”_

_“Watch it, cadet,” Levi stated warningly._

_“Wha’, it’s true! She survived from the titans, made it all the way here but she can’t go one day without sitting next to big brother Levi?” Downing his gaze on me, he saw the straightness on my posture, the glare I had, begging the embarrassment of tears to not fall. “Aw, is the little girl gonna cry?”_

_“Cadet!” Erwin commanded, growing tired of this man’s antics, though he, and the other Scouts, gasped, for I stood to lean over the table, tossing my drink into his face. <.em>_

__“You fucking jerk! You don’t know anything!!”_ _

__And I ran, away from the crowds watching my form exit the room. Running up the stairs two at a time, I shoved past any who saw, making my way towards the top of Headquarters. Standing on the tip of the tower, the highest place in all of Trost, I could see all across the district as I sat along the edge, legs hanging against the nothing but the air. Stars brightened the sky as I stared upward, ignoring the citizens below my feet, returning home after a long day at work._ _

__Two months had passed since the titans broke through, causing hell for everyone living within the interior between Wall Maria and Wall Rose, including the outpost cities. It had been tough within Headquarters, from my knowledge and observation, but my heart grew slightly cold; I didn’t care about others, only myself and those who saved me. Two months since I lost my village, the horses I raised, and my parents; two months clinging to Levi’s side, for his presence calmed my near shot nerves into thinking I could trust others wouldn’t die and leave me all alone._ _

__“You shouldn’t dangle your legs like that.”_ _

__Levi’s presence was closing in, but I didn’t register his form, even as he claimed his usually seat beside me. Brightly in the sky, the stars seemed brighter, or was that my imagination? “You say that all the time,” my voice whispered._ _

__“Because it’s dangerous, brat.”_ _

__“...yeah” Hung head low, I didn’t want to answer more. Why was he even here? The Scout was right, I’ve clung to Levi every day since he saved me from being eaten alive._ _

__“Shorty, listen to me.” Warmth flooded through my clothing, noticing Levi wrapped his arm around my shoulders, yanked me into his side, my own arms dropping into my lap. “Forget what that asshole said.”_ _

__I tried wriggling from his grasp, but the Captain refused to let go, though I shoved his sides and finally stood when his fingers fell. Walking across the small rooftop, my feet led me to the opposite corner, facing directly towards the gate leading out into tour recently lost territory. Right on the other side lay the bone fragments of the titan that nearly swallowed me whole. Two months ago could’ve been my last day on earth._ _

__“But he’s right. My parents only had me, I didn’t have any younger siblings, though I always wanted an older brother. Someone I could look up to, someone who would protect me.” Not surprised to find Levi behind me, my height was almost as tall as his, yet there were still a few inches to go until we stood at eyelevel. “I’ll admit. At first I stayed by you cause I was scared; your face brought me hope since you were the one who saved m. But since then...I, I dunno...” Scratching my arm, it seemed weird explaining all this to him. Levi was stoic and overly blunt; those were rumors I heard from others soldiers. The Levi Ackerman I knew was dedicated and warm, gentle and...yes, he was a bit of an ass._ _

__“I’ve...been looking up to you as a brother figure.”_ _

__Silence rang loudly, vibrating with intensity in both ears. I understood. Words weren’t needed; I was a fool for speaking. “Shorty, I’ll say this again: don’t listen to what the asshole said.”_ _

__“Huh?”_ _

__His large hand patted my head, ruffling my short hair as he did earlier at dinner. His facial expression normally neutral, my surprise was evident when I noticed his lips curved upwards slightly. “In this world, we’re allowed to believe we won’t regret our choices or thoughts. Do you regret in thinking of me as an older brother?”_ _

__“...n-no.”_ _

__“Then keep thinking that.”_ _

__“...y-you don’t mind?”_ _

__“No. Are you keen to know why, brat?” My head shook eagerly. “Shorty – **Emalina** ,” he corrected, having rarely ever stated my name. “You remind me of someone I used to know, a girl who was a close friend.”_ _

__I’d never heard Levi actually state anything from his past. It seemed no one really knew the man down to the core. “What, what happened?”_ _

__“...she died, eaten by the titans last year.”_ _

__“Oh...is it, bad? That I remind you of her?”_ _

__“Not at all, shorty.” Encasing me in his warm arms, I found myself in a hug, the only solace I’d found since the titans silenced the life I once had. “She was like a sister to me, so I understand. If you see me as an older brother, keep it that way, for I see you as my little sister.”_ _

__And...commence the waterworks._ _

__“Oi! Brat, you serious?”_ _

__“...mhm...I l-lost my family and have no o-one...Don’t say I’m your sister c-cause you’ll just leave me too...”_ _

__“Look at me, Emalina.” Wet blue orbs met grey. “Whether you want to or not, you need to hear this: the world can be cruel and people you get close to will die. Believing in people will stay by your side is your choice, but I won’t leave you. The tea you make is passable, your cleaning is greatly improving and I’m amazed a brat as young as you is more skilled with horses than our own technician – but **I will** protect you. Isn’t that what an older brother is supposed to do?_ _

_~ oOo ~_

_**Flashback**  
**Six Months After Titan Outbreak** _

__Having completed different tasks for Erwin, I was granted the remainder of the day to what whatever I pleased. Content other Scout members wouldn’t ask me to run more errands, I snuck around the Scout Headquarters, other soldiers who were acquainted with me nodded as we passed. Erwin decided its members needed a break from the district to work on their personal techniques in an area they were accustomed to. Since this castle-like structure was built some distance from Trost, there were open plains and forest landscapes where the soldiers could train. Heading to the first floor, my feet made way towards the equipment room; I’d been concocting this plan for some time, and was prepared for the consequences._ _

__Having watched and traveled with the Scouts for training – within Wall Rose, of course – I saw first hand the use of ODM gear and how soldiers maneuvered their way through the air, as if they were flying, soaring like birds I could see escaping over the walls. It was fascinating! The entire ordeal with the straps, gas tanks, fan, blades and the handheld controls that manipulated all the movements? I had to try it for myself._ _

__I wasn’t stupid though; I knew using this gear set could be deadly if used inappropriately. Did that mean I was looking for my death sentence? No. I admired Levi and the others, respecting their strength, their conviction. Clearly, they decided to become a Scout for a reason; to join a regiment with a high death ratio, I would think the reason would be personal. Growing up, my father told me those who joined the Scouts were brave, having to put their life on the line every second they stepped outside the walls. So, if it wasn’t personal, why would they join? Sure, I could ask those who were friendly to me, but I wanted to place my feet in their shoes, to see the horrors and wonders beyond the walls._ _

__Here I stood, having just turned thirteen curious in what caused a person to become a soldier, why they chose the regiment they did. More importantly, what led one to decide they were willing to risk their death for others?_ _

__Having memorized the ins-and-outs of the equipment room, I “borrowed” a spare harness, hiding the leather underneath my shirt – albeit, failing miserably – crossing my fingers no one would see me. Ignoring the designated racks for the actual gear, my feet led me back towards the third floor, seeking Levi’s office. The captain was currently in a strategy meeting with Erwin and the other Squad Leaders; the man would be preoccupied for some time. In the six months I’d been living with the military, Levi, obviously, was the one individual I was closest with, though I was proud as I was, slowly, opening myself up to the other members._ _

__But in that time, I’d learned Levi preferred to keep his ODM gear in his room; the gear would not stay in the equipment room unless it was in need of repairs._ _

__Smirking as I snuck up the stairs, my eyes swirled around my position within the hallway, making sure there were no witnesses as I carefully opened my brother’s room, gently closing the wooden door behind me as my vision fell upon the treasure I had sought. And there it was, polished and siting as if it’d never been used. And I will say this: having watched others conform their bodies into the leather straps and wrapping them around your own frame are ENTIRELY different._ _

__“How in the hell are they able to get these suckers on so quickly?!” I muttered quietly, not wanting to attract any attention if I could prevent it._ _

__Yanking and stretching, pulling and groaning, time was lost with how long it took to perfectly place and tighten all the individual belts and whistles. By the time the leather was digging into my body – “The leather needs to be tight!” Hange once told me – my shaking fingers delicately grasped the ODM gear, knowing exactly how this equipment attached and which pieces to place first. Finally, when all mechanisms were connected and the damn weight had my knees shaking, I moved around the room, growing accustomed to the added pressure on my back and hips. Jumping, stretching, walking, jogging – as much as I could in the tiny office – I was ready!_ _

__Despite the missing equipment, I left everything intact before sprinting out of the building, somehow not being caught by another soldier as I hadn’t passed any as I made my way outside. Tall, thick trees were fairly close to the building, so I sped towards the nearest patch. Closing in, I stalled, fingers flexing around the handheld controls, needing a basis for how to grasp the damn things. From there? Well, I had fun._ _

__I hadn’t just watched the others train. No; I had observed, studying their movements, vigilant in learning the simplest techniques of how the gear worked. Which lever did what, the triggers and the few buttons along the back and edges. Putting all the memories to practice, my fingers moved slowly, watching as the gear roared to life, gas swimming through the tank as it blew behind me, fan spinning quickly and the wires shooting forward rapidly, the hooks burrowing deeply into a tree trunk several feet away._ _

__And then I was flying!_ _

__I stayed within the trees, glimpsing back at the fort to see if I had any unwanted attention. No one had lectured me on any consequences if I were to use anyone’s gear; still, I assumed it wouldn’t be good. I had to try! And try I did, for I swung from tree to tree, several times narrowly falling to the ground though I saved myself with quick thinking of the gear’s controls. It hadn’t been long since I grew airborne and gained a deeper insight of people using the ODM. It was fucking liberating! It wasn’t the same exhilaration I had when riding Freyja; the difference was slight and I appreciated the freedom it momentarily granted me._ _

__One insight still eluded me. Why did people choose to become a soldier? More importantly, why do they decide in joining the Scouts?

_“Emalina Varlen! Get your ass down here. **NOW**.”_

**_Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit!_ **

_Landing on a thick branch, my head timidly turned towards the voice, and there he was: Levi. Arms crossed with a worse scowl on his face than I’d ever seen, his dark eyes followed my every move as I flung myself on the ground, walking in his direction with my head hung low. Embarrassment that I’d been caught: check. Scared of the lecture or anger Levi would bestow me: check. Feeling ridiculous that I “borrowed” his gear knowing full fell I could be in trouble no matter what: also check. Standing before him, neither said a word until I glanced upwards, the man shaking his head and grasped his nose in annoyance._

_“Emalina,” he growled. “What the fuck were you thinking.” I couldn’t tell what was worse when Levi was mad: when he lowered his voice or when he raised it. For the sake of my impending doom, I believed he to be too quiet, furious individual._

_“...do you want the truth or an excuse?”_

_“The truth, you brat, now.”_

_“I...I wanted to...”_

_“Speak!”_

_Jumping, my arms crossed, voice small and shy, knowing Levi wouldn’t accept any answer, whether it be the truth or a lie. “I wanted to understand why people join the military. Why they choose the Scouts...”_

_“Emalina...” Exhaling, didn’t reply to my answer as his fingers moved across my body, unclasping the gear and removing all items completely. I wasn’t sure how long the ODM gear weighed me down, but with it off, my body felt lighter; it also felt bare, as if I was meant to have the gear attached to myself. Levi placed the different sections on the ground, leaving the leather harness on my limbs. “Do you have any idea how dangerous this was?!”_

_Jumping once more from his tone, my head lowered in shame. I expected this, knew I’d be in trouble depending on whoever discovered what I’d done. Still, getting yelled at by Levi, the man I saw and loved as my older brother, was still upsetting._

_“So you stole a harness and someone’s gear from the equipment room. Whose gear is this anyway?”_

_“...y-yours,” I hesitated in answering, knowing full well my ass was about to get chewed._

_“Tch, so you waited until we were in our meeting, stole a harness and then stole my gear?”_

_“I wasn’t stealing! More like...borrowing...” Levi hardened his glare; I was forever doomed. “Believe me or not Levi, but I’ve been wanting to use ODM just like you and everyone else! I’ve watched you train and know how it works!”_

_“You were careless! Watching me then using this on your own are two different things! What would’ve happened if there had been an accident? What if you fell and injured yourself, who would’ve found you? No one knew you were out here!”_

_“So what if I got hurt, Levi?! Besides you and Erwin, the others only treat me as their errand girl, someone they can use to get their shit done! Compared to them, I’m the lowly survivor who clings to you because I have no one else!”_

_Shoving me against a tree, Levi held me there, one arm tightly holding my shoulder. “Is that what you think? From what I’ve heard everyone appreciates all that you do. They see a girl who survived from the titans on her own and continues to live despite losing everything!”_

_“That’s not true...” I whimpered._

_“Not true? Then how the hell are you here, brat? Why’re you still living?”_

_All the strength I possessed shoved Levi off of me, my teeth clenched so hard blood pooled in my mouth. “I’m still here because I failed! Couldn’t even save my parents...” My whimpering continued. “I just...ran away and watched...This is why I took your gear, to see if this is how...” I breathed, realization dawning on my mentality. “...if this is how I can save others. Because if I can use this, I won’t fail again. I will NEVER fail in protecting those I can!” And then I ran._

_Of course I ran, that seemed to be the only thing I could do these days, it became the easiest escape to take. I ran instead of saving my parents; I escaped being alone by clinging to Levi when I could’ve joined my parents; I avoided letting anyone down because it brought me happiness, knowing I was doing something right. In my room, I collapsed on the bed, sobs echoing across the room while my body curled into a ball. It hurt, mainly knowing Levi was right; I knew the others didn’t see me the way I said they did._

_Levi stopped by an hour later, his blank stare noticed my position on the bed, as I had moved my back against the wall, blanket wrapped around me whilst I had my arms held me knees close. He asked if I would follow him to Erwin’s office and I agreed without saying a word, silently following Levi as we headed one floor up towards the Commander’s room. Sitting perfectly behind his desk while scanning several documents, the tall, blonde man acknowledged our presence, having us wait until he finished._

_“Alright, take a seat, Emalina,” Erwin said after taking a moment or two. Once settled, Levi decided to stand beside me, arms crossed, ignoring the glance I shot at him. “So...I have heard from Levi of your adventure this afternoon, but I must ask. Are you alright? Your face seems slightly red.”_

_“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied somberly. “Levi and I...shared some words earlier and it...hit a little close to hear.” Placing a hand over my heart for emphasis, I glanced at my brother once again, this time, our eyes met, his stare different from before._

_“Yes, he told me the conversation you two had. I must reiterate what Levi has already said: what you did, Emalina, was dangerous and very foolish. ODM gear is not to be trifled with. Each year the Cadet Corp loses potential soldiers due to lack of respect for their equipment. Do you understand?”_

_Head hung low, I awaited my punishment, answering with, “Yes sir...”_

_“Emalina, you’re aware I cannot simply let this pass. In taking a harness and another soldier’s gear that was not yours, you need to face the consequences.”_

_“...yes sir.”_

_“However, let me ask another question. Emalina, have you considered becoming a soldier and joining the military?”_

_Blinking, my mind caught off guard from such a question, I raised my head, raising an eyebrow in confusion. “Um...I-I don’t think the idea has crossed my mind. Besides, I’m not sure I’d be brave enough for such a thing.”_

_“On the contrary, Emalina,” Erwin spoke._

_“Bravery has nothing to do with it.” Finally speaking up, Levi turned to me as we both stared._

_“It doesn’t? Why not?”_

_“Emalina...being brave doesn’t make you a soldier. Having the will to fight and breaking through the fear is what makes you brave.” Kneeling down to my level, Levi never let go of my eyes. Since the day he held me crying after I was rescued until now, he had always been able to sense what I wasn’t willing to say. “Shorty, remember earlier when I said that despite losing everything, you continue to move forward?” I nodded, immediately knowing why he was restating these words. “That’s bravery, and whether you believe so or not, you have this fire in you that won’t allow you to quit.”_

_“Is...is that true?” Switching my sight between Erwin and Levi, the Commander nodded, agreeing completely with the Captain’s observation._

_“There’s talent hidden within you, shorty. I watched how you maneuvered yourself before stopping your little shenanigans. Hate to say this Erwin, but the brat can use ODM without proper training.”_

_Chuckling, the Commander stood, walking around his desk until they both stood in front of me. “Considering you were self-taught, Levi, it doesn’t surprise me you two view each other as siblings.” ___

___“Wait. You’re self-taught?!” Smiling, Levi noticed my excitement and smirked, ruffling my hair as he always had._ _ _

___“That’s a story for another time, shorty.”_ _ _

___I still wasn’t sure what my punishment would be, but Erwin gave a smile of his own. “There is...one other thing Levi said as well.” I cocked my head, not sure what else could’ve been stated about their disagreement. “It would seem your will to protect others.”_ _ _

___Abruptly standing, I moved away from both males towards the office windows, watching several members down below. Neither said a word as I observed the scenery. “Maybe...maybe as Scouts you can understand better than someone else...but I have never seen death, that is, until the titans broke through. I didn’t just witness a death – I saw a massacre. And...whatever Levi told you was right.”_ _ _

___The tears were there once more, but I let them be free. “I may only be thirteen, but I know death is inevitable. I may have failed to save my family, though I will not fail to save others. Erwin?” Looking at the older man, I questioned his reasoning. “Why did you become a soldier?”_ _ _

___“A very good question, Emalina. I fight for humanity, to win against the titans; most of the Scouts have a similar reason. So, what about you? Levi says you have a fighting spirit and I see it every day. What’re you willing to fight for?”_ _ _

___Fists clenched tightly, I faced the two men, determination apparent across my features. This whole time, I probably knew what my reasoning was, why my spirit was fighting so hard to live and breath another day. When Erwin asked if I had considered joining the military – I lied. Being surrounded by both the Scouts and Garrisons on a daily basis, how could I not. Stealing the ODM and testing it out truly was my way of knowing if I was in a place meant for me._ _ _

___“To protect all I care for. Like I said, death is inevitable, still, if I can prevent further casualties, I will risk everything. Since losing my parents, I’ve learned this: risk your life to save the ones you love. I-I know I didn’t abandon in saving them...yet that feeling of failure haunts my very dreams.”_ _ _

___“Sounds to me like you want to defeat the very creatures that have silenced you,” Erwin proposed._ _ _

___“I do,” my voice quiet, as I glanced out the window once more. “And you’re right, Erwin, they have silenced me.”_ _ _

___“Tch, you act like your silence has become your friend.”_ _ _

___“That’s because it has.” Breathing in and out, I’d made my decision. Even if I decide today, there was still less than two years before I’d be eligible to join, my choice might change. For now, it might be rash, I was agreeing with my heart, paving the way my path was directed to lead. “I will become a soldier, and I will find my own way to protect those I care for.”_ _ _

___Clasping my shoulder, Erwin nodded; whether he knew this would be the outcome, I knew naught. “You have some time to choose which regiment you would join, though I hope the Scouts will be where you stay.”_ _ _

___“I can’t say. This decision...thinking of becoming a soldier? It’s all unexpected...I need to look into the other regiments. Who knows, maybe my reason will benefit from a regiment other than the Scouts?”_ _ _

___“That may be, Emalina. I’ve yet to see you in action, but Levi is adamant your talent is far superior compared to a fresh graduate. However...” Extending his hand towards my chair, I resumed my seat, Levi still standing on his feet, never glancing away from me or the Commander. “I have a proposition for you. Obviously, the choice is yours, yet if you do complete training and become a soldier, I would want you as a recruit for the Scouts. In these six months, I’ve noticed the work you complete. Emalina, you’re efficient, responsible, perceptive, intelligent, persistent and headstrong. Including this unknown talent with ODM, I would be honored if you joined the Scouts. And if you did, here is what I propose: once a member after your training, you will be granted the ability to join Levi’s squad. Also, when our regiment has extra resources on hand, we will travel on an expedition towards Uma and retrieve your father’s notebooks, the ones you have mentioned before.”_ _ _

___“...no...” Stunned into silence, I could only blink, while opening and closing my mouth._ _ _

___“Yes, this is the offer Levi and I have discussed.” Whipping my head towards the stoic man, he nodded as well, though I was still in denial. Joining the Levi Squad? Such a feat would be fantastic. However! To obtain the notebooks and journals my father held in possession which held all the secrets and techniques we used when breeding and raising our horses? Such an opportunity would be too good to pass up; though, I was still stunned. “It seems this has been enough information I’ve placed on your shoulders."_ _ _

___And think about his proposition I did._ _ _

___Later that evening, I sought out both Levi and Erwin, letting the Commander know how I was interested in his proposal, yet still wasn’t giving him a guarantee for joining, and asked if I could take my time to really consider. Erwin was patient and empathetic, giving me time I needed, whilst making sure he wasn’t simply bribing me to join – though I still thought he was._ _ _

___And so, with the grounding of my decision in the works, Levi immediately began privately instructing me, teaching me how to properly use the ODM. It was so much more than that. The man taught me his techniques, how to use the gear when riding a horse, the advantages and disadvantages based on the environment and anything else the male was knowledgeable on. Before I knew it, a year-and-a-half later passed, leading me to pack my belongings in preparation for joining the Cadet Corp._ _ _

___Silence has been my friend, and so, I will fight. Standing as a new recruit, I vow to save those I love, the ones I have lost. Monstrous titans may have had the opportunity to diminish our ability to thrive, to live, but no more. Rising as a strong soldier, my sword will cut through the silence, allowing the scared girl I had been to blossom into a fighter, becoming someone who will confront the pain of death, never allowing family or friends to be eaten by those I vow to kill._ _ _

__~ oOo ~_ _

__Shaking my head, I couldn’t believe my memory would reminisce such events at a time like this. Slashing my blades left and right, it was nonstop in killing all the titans who dare cross my path, flying through the destruction of Trost. Such memories were in the past; besides, why now? Maybe it was because I knew Erwin and Levi would know what to do, yet, they weren’t here, they probably wouldn’t even return until their patrol was done._ _

__Sliding against the slick tiled roof, I stopped moving, observing the area to see if there were other titans. Luckily enough, I couldn’t see any, pushing myself forward, eyes continuously scanning all the rooftops I passed. “Marco, Sasha, Connie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie...Jean...where in the hell are you guys?” Rain finally ceased to fall, my uniform drying quickly as I flew through the air, circling tall homes, even several bell towers. My vision couldn’t see any of my comrades, the anxiety bubbling in my stomach increasing by the second. Hundreds of “what if” situations circled my thoughts: what if everyone was separated; what if they’re injured; what if they’re hiding in a random home; and worse, what if they’d been eaten._ _

__“Stop thinking like that, Emalina!” I screamed at myself, motivating my hope to stay alive. Until I found proof of their death, I would continue in believing my friends were alive. Rubbing the weariness from both eyes, my feet locked in place, taking a few moments to calm my near-shot nerves. Of all the knowledge I gained from Levi teaching me, there was one wise tip I would always remember. Other than never to regret my decisions, my brother taught me to always use my mind, to think before acting._ _

__“Your emotions will try and get the better of you, but never let it dictate your actions. If you stop and think, you can determine what to do, but you can’t take back a choice you’ve already committed, so make sure it’s on you won’t regret.”_ _

__And so, I began to think. Plan in mind, my gear continued in leading me around the city. Before, I was focused on looking everywhere my eyes could see. Now, I was focused on searching the rooftops. In the time I left Ian, I hadn’t seen nor run into another squad, leading me to believe they were all gathered somewhere, and a large rooftop would be the best place gather._ _

__Five minutes, thirty minutes, two hours...by god, how long had I been searching? Every damn rooftop looked the same. “For the love of...where the fuck are they?” All I could do was growl, head swinging back and forth, scanning my left, my right, and then left again. Suddenly laughing, I couldn’t tell what was worse, slaying titans or trying to find my friends; the later seemed to be winning. And then I stopped midair, feet carelessly landing on the roof right below me; tripping over my feet, all I could do was widen my eyes and confirm it was all real._ _

__My friends, they were all there!_ _

__Several buildings away, I could see them, a cluster of several squads together; some stood and walked around, a majority sat, heads held low or were looking around. They were separated across different roofs, but still close enough together. Their fear was evident, even from my position. From where I stood, it was hard to see who all was there, so I flew across to the next building, frightened and excited all the same. The same “what if” scenarios from earlier surging forward in my mind once more; shoving them away, I concentrated on seeking who was who. Vision hopping from one individual to the next, the increased beating in my chest slowed when I recognized who all was there: Annie, Bertholdt, Reiner, Marco, Connie, Sasha, Armin and numerous others. They were alive!_ _

__“Wait...” Covering my mouth, I climbed the closest chimney. The height wouldn’t make much of a difference; I was holding back to fly over, not until I could see one more individual. The male with copper-blonde hair and golden eyes. “Jean...where are...? Oh god...” He was there, sitting, head hung low as Connie spoke with him. Was something wrong? Not wasting another second, I ran the remaining length of the roof, leaping off as I zoomed straight towards my friends. My gas must’ve given my position away as several heads turned in my direction, some yelling my name, others watched as I closed in. Connie turned and noticed me as Jean lifted his gaze, meeting mine as my voice frantically called his name._ _

___“JEAN!”_ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember! TEN comments within one week and I’ll post the next chapter next Wednesday.
> 
> Chocobocolina :3

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I originally wrote this in 3rd person, but for some reason it was NOT working for me at all so I switched to 1st person, which I think works a lot better. Let me know because 3rd person is easiest for me!
> 
> Tata for now!
> 
> Chocobocolina :3


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